VERY personal question re: DH's (or atleast mine)
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VERY personal question re: DH's (or atleast mine)
Do you feel unimportant/not worthy/ unneeded when your DH has the need to *please* himself a lot???
I was wondering because thats how I feel. For a while it was at a point where he would do it EVERYDAY, and thats not an exaggeration. I told him how much it bothered me that he needed for feel sexually pleased that often. (Not including what we intimately do together) He got annoyed that I was whining about it and doesnt see why it bothers me but agreed to cut down.
I believe he has cut down but now its at the point where if hes in the shower and I walk in (usually to brush my teeth, do my hair, use the restroom etc..) hes turned around facing the wall so I dont "Mr. Happy", or he'll go in locked restrooms just to do that, or he'll wait until i'm up in the bed for the evening and go downstairs.
I caught him last night (not purposly) and he even tried denying it at first. My only response (sorry so graphic)..."I've been w/ you long enough, I know what it looks like after you've done that!" He finally admitted it. All I could think is, why didnt he come to me??? We have sex 3-5 times a week so that CANT be his problem.
Am I over reacting and let it get to me in a personal way? Is it normal for him to need to do that?? (BTW - I'm a woman who doesnt do that stuff by myself so maybe thats why I dont understand. If I want to and DH doesnt I just wait until the next time. I dont think "I need to orgasm because i'm in the mood.)
SORRY IF IT WAS KINDA GRAPHIC. I just dont know what to do and I dont know if my feelings are valid.
P.s. We are young, mid 20s or so.
I completely understand how you feel. When we were first married, we had a very similar issue. It just drove me nuts. I would mention it to him, he would give the same response, it has nothing to do with you. I finally just said to him, not in the heat of the moment, when you do that I feel worthless. It is my job to please you and by doing my job yourself, it cuts down on my worth and my pleasure. He got the picture. A few years later we talked about it and he said it really just became a habit and he never thought that it had anything to do with me. It is my understanding from him that he does not do it at all anymore. I have no reason to not believe that. Anyway, no matter what your feelings are, they are your feelings and you are right. You certainly need to talk more about this with your husband and see if you can reach an agreement.
IMO, I thinks it's normal, both for your dh to *please himself* a lot, and for you to feel a little weird about it. As long as you have a satisfying sex life, I wouldn't worry about it. If he was doing that instead of having sex, then I'd worry. (It sounds like you have quite a bit.) My dh and I have been married 17 years, and he still plays with *Mr. Happy* in the shower! I just roll my eyes! We have a great sex life, and I don't take it personally. Lots of men have high sex drives, and it really releases a lot of tension and stress. (Plus, I think they're ALL still 14 yr-olds inside! LOL) He may also be worried that you'll think he's a sex maniac or something if he asked for sex everyday. I'd be honest with your feelings, but honestly, I doubt that it is anything against you.
Kaye thanks so much for letting me see i'm not by myself!!
I think sometimes I do make comments to him as far as being a sex addict but I have a very valid reason -
The only time i've ever been denied sex was when he was on a vacation from work (2-3 weeks ago) and just for fun we'd do it 2-3 times a day. No real reason for him but I wanted to see how long he could put up with it because thats how often I felt he wanted/asked for it. He went 4-5 days consecutively and boy was I exhausted. I think he mentioned *once* that maybe we could just do it once a day and thats about all the denial I got.
His comment - "This is so great, too bad we cant do it more often" OMG, does he EVER get tired of it. Sometimes I feel that he is so obsessed in it that if I dont put out so much he may so find it elsewhere. Our relationship is awesome and there are no trust issues. I just feel it controls his life that much.
Yikes.... just hoping its a young guy thing and he'll grow out if it....
Ok, I may be putting myself out in the line of fire here, but I think you are overreacting. Everything I am about to say is really just the opinion I have based on the things I've learned or experienced. It is normal to masterbate, just as it is normal to choose not to. And you said you have a normal sex life, so I would say let him "please" himself in his spare time. The only serious problem in all of that is that he didn't respect your wishes when you asked him to stop. But you did say you are in you mid-20s. Men are still in a sexual peak at that age, and when we hit ours in our 30s or 40's, the roles switch. If you feel that you want more sex, then initiate it. But as long as you are satisfied, let it go. What you didn't mention was if he has an addiction to porn, or if he is simply fantasizing about you when he is by himself. If he's fantasizing about you, ask him what he is fantasizing about. You might enjoy trying to fulfill them.
I guess it is a person preference issue.
I don't know when my DH does it nor do I care to know. I have never caught him, thank goodness.
But, my sister has a DH like you, stays at home till kiddies go to school to get some. Instead of going to work, which leads to him coming home late. He also just walks around and asks for it all the time. I told my sister, who is perimenapausal, you trained him that way!!! Now untrain him. IF my DH ever acted like that I don't know what I would do, he would drive me nuts. IMO- I guess that is why dating is important to see what the other habits are and if you can handle them.
Do you have kids? Wait till you are prego and the weeks after OMG!!!!! The denial of sex to a man.
DH is good in this category. He doesn't do that at all. He's very respectful as far as sex goes and if I say I don't want to, then he just waits till next time. I'm sure he could have sex everyday, but I'm not up for it! So he waits for me to be ready.
And I think that it is pretty normal for men in their twenties to want it a LOT! LOL
I think it is a normal guy thing and no reflection on you at all. I know my dh does it how much or often I don't know and don't care. We have a great sex life, it is just something most guys do. The only thing I think is not ok and maybe I misunderstood, is he going into public restrooms to do this sometimes? If that is so that is creepy and not ok in my book.
Crys - I totally understand what youre saying and im not saying he *bad* for doing it or its wrong, im just saying I didnt think/know it was *normal* for them do to it everyday, atleast once a day. He was fantasizing about/ looking at porn and I told him if he really needed that I would go take pics for him but were married and I feel uncomfortable with him looking at other women in that way.
Its not like I try to catch him, I just happen to walk in. I could care less if he does it but I guess i'd rather him come to me first if he needs it so bad. And I hate the fact that he lies and is sneaky about it. Being sneaky because he wants to please himself so he doesnt bug me is one thing. But being sneaky early in the am, after im in bed etc.... is when I feel it is wrong, only because that how he makes it seem. And no its not in public bathrooms (atleast that I know LOL). Only at home.
So I guess another question would be to you younger girls, does your DH seem like he wants it *alot*??? (Enough to where your saying, "Can we please wait til tomorrow, im so sore?" like I do sometimes)
Well,
I think it is normal male behavior. We are in our twenty's and my hubby is always "ready"!!! LOL
Maybe he doesn't realize that you are willing to do it with him when he is ready. He may feel you are tired so he will just get it over with..Men and sex go hand in hand. (Pardon the pun..lol)
*Try jumping in the shower when he is turned away from you! It would surprise him and I'm sure he would enjoy it. 
I guess I see your point Anon, if you feel like he should come to you first. But if you aren't interested at that moment, let him go ahead. As far as the frequency, I'm guessing it depends on the guy. Anyway, your DH should respect your wishes, and you should try and compromise. Maybe he should lock the bathroom door or whatever. I mean most of us know our DHs do it, we just choose to not know the intimate details. And just something to think about... DH might be excited by the idea of you catching him. Nate just told me that for most guys getting caught by your wife or GF is like getting caught by your mom, not good. If he didn't WANT to get caught wouldn't he be more discreet? Good luck, hopefully you can come to an agreement that keeps you both satisfied!
I would be hurt if he didn't come to me first. It's different if he comes to you and you are not "in the mood". However, if it is REALLY bothering you, he should take that into consideration and make some changes. After all, you can't change the way that it makes you feel. Have you all had a heart-to-heart about this?
Oh Thank heavens someone else has that same feeling!!! We have been together for a long time & he still does it no Matter what I say. Not too often atleast 3 -4 times a week. I tell him that I would help or whatever, but he is dead set about being by himself. My problem if I want to *please* myself I am horrible that is what he is for ???!!!!
I think that you are perfectly normal to feel that way. We have sex atleast 2 a day, we always have. We are very sexual people. I think it is just a part of a man's life that you can never change !
My man fantasizes with pics of me or videos of us, my understanding is there is no other porn Pics of other people or anything like that. I enjoy that he can *take care* of himself, with 3 kids I dont have the stamina sometimes, I try, but in all reality we do have a great sex life atleast 5 -6 times a week ALOt weeks more.
I would just let him try & grow out of this period. When we first got together he did it alot more than he does now, he actually quit for awhile - then after all the kids the 6 week waitnig periods, he started again.
You are ok to feel that way, but dont let it bum you out or ruin your relationship. We all have a little insecurity & that is good.
We did talk about it but it was when I was upset that he was hiding it and he got into defensive mode. I just quit from there and decided to try later. I talked to him the next day and he listened.
My exact words were, " To me having an orgasm is not only about the feeling but the emotions that go along with it. I don't mind that you do that but it would make me feel better if you didnt do it as much so that when we do make love, it has more feeling than just getting off for the 2nd, 3rd etc.. time for the day. Turn the tables for a minute. What if you were always catching me masturbating? Wouldn't you feel like you werent doing your job right?" and he agreed.
I hope that all goes better from here. Truestori- I have done the 'jump in the shower' thing and he loves it. We have a lot of spice in our relationship.
And anon #2, im glad im not alone here
You go girl!!! Thats what marriage is all about!
Men and women have different triggers that stimulate them. Men are more visual and women more emotional. Men, biologically want to "do" the entire herd; while women want one bull.
As mentioned before, age is a huge factor in sexual activity. As long as your dh is not denying you of intimate relations, leave him alone. That is key for this topic. If he is denying you of sexual, spousal pleasure..then there is a reason for concern.
I think porn (soft, for visual reasons.. VC catalog this year!) is okay but interacting with other people on the web is not. It is normal to masturbate. Get off his case and quit walking in on him. IMO of course.
In 20 years when you are at YOUR sexual peek, you will want the same courtesy.
I have been through both sides. Now on the latter. It used to make me mad when I was younger that dh satisfied himself, but it had nothing to do with me. I met my dh in his 30's. Let your 20 years old dh's please themselves. They are walking testerone!
I have been thinking about this since I first read your post.
Help me get the picture straight. Your dh chooses to pick up porn, look at it, and masturbate while looking at it? Is that what is happening?
If that is what is happening, then imo he is choosing to be unfaithful to you. He is deliberately choosing to stimulate and "please" himself by looking at another woman or women. This is different from a man who finds himself with a hard-on - from seeing something that excites him - and masturbates for that reason.
Honestly, I don't buy that "men and women are different" as an excuse for a man to go outside a committed relationship - whether with another person or with porn or some deliberately selected stimulus because a man "has to" have sex or sexual stimulus and satisfaction more often. In Victorian times women were told that "men are different" as a reason for men having mistresses or using prostitutes, and women were expected to accept that. What it is, imo, is an excuse for a man to allow himself to not discipline himself into faithfulness to his spouse or s/o.
Several of you speak of men "needing" ... what? More sex, more sexual activity, more sexual "relief". Nonsense, imo. We all need to eat, drink, be warm and sheltered, and probably "need" many other things. But sexual activity is a "want", not a "need". Even with an unexpected stimulus, if the man doesn't want to masturbate, he can take a cold shower or use other techniques (other than masturbation) to make it go away. It is his choice, not a "need". Women also often react to a stimulus, though we don't have the same (and more noticeable) physical reaction. But we are generally taught that masturbation is not a good thing, or at least we are not taught by our peers and the same gender people in our family that this is a good thing to do. And by and large, women don't deliberately choose to stimulate themselves into sexual excitement so that they can then masturbate. Please understand, I don't think masturabation is wrong, per se. What I think is wrong is (1) choosing to stimulate oneself when one is in a committed relationship and then satisfy that stimulation other than with your s/o and (2) excusing it, in this case, by saying "men are different" so it's OK for men, especially when most men would not think it is OK for women to do the same thing.
I'm glad you spoke to your dh - that must have been difficult. And I'm glad you put it in those terms, which I'm sure made it easier for him to understand your feelings. I hope things improve.
Mark it down...I agree with Ginny once again. I think it is an immature and selfish man who pleases himself when he is married to a loving wife who is his willing sexual partner. As Ginny said, guys don't "need" sex more often. Yes, they probably think about it more often but dwelling on something doesn't make it a need. I think about chocolate, but that doesn't mean I need to indulge my every whim. Now it is physiologically true that mean do need a sexual release every so often due to a build up of semen. BUT...masturbation is not necessary to accomplish this...it will happen in a wet dream just like in high school, if the man has not been sexually active for awhile (i.e., wife is ill or recovering from giving birth).
I haven't really sorted out all my my feelings about masturbation, but like Ginny I basically feel like it isn't bad "per se" (i.e., for a single man struggling to remain sexually pure) as long as it doesn't involve pornography or lust(which I define as thinking about someone other than a wife in a sexual way), which I think are sinful. It's a delicate issue any way you look at it though. The real danger of masturbation in a marriage is that it is the easy way out. Masturbation doesn't involve intimacy, pleasing and waiting for a partner's pleasure, love, vulnerability, etc. If a man gets so used to reaching climax by himself I think it leads to problems in the bedroom with his wife. Perhaps some sexual problems (being a considerate lover and putting his wife's needs and pleasure before his own) and also some real emotional intimacy problems. Basically, I think he is swapping sex for making love and that's just sad.
The biggest red flag to me is how often you say you are having sexual relations and how often he still feels compelled to please himself. That just sounds like sexual addiction to me or I wouldn't be surprised if some serious pornography use is involved. Hope you guys can get things worked out! ((anon))
Thanks for the great advice Ginny and Pam. Some of your key points are what I was trying to say. I've been taught that men "need" it more and have just gone along with it wondering why? Its not like breathing, eating etc...
And yes the porn was a big issue for a while but is no more. He had tons of magazines around the house and it never bothered me until I started finding them in the bathroom. Then I made him throw them out and told him if he cant please himself thinking of me, theres a problem.
But thanks for the concern, things are looking up. And DH realizes how much better our intimacy is when he can just hold back the self pleasure and wait for me.
I would like to say that I TOTALLY agree with Ginny and Pamt!!!!! Very well said ladies.
Pam, I suspect we agree a lot more than we disagree, but the ones we disagree on are biggies for both of us. However, it is always a pleasure to read your posts, agreeing or disagreeing, because you are always courteous and kind.
Having said that, I did a bit of checking, and the "build up of semen" line is just that, another line. Semen is a combination of sperm, which is just sort of there and if "unused", is resorbed into the body, as with the fluids in which the sperm is contained when it is ejaculated. No man was ever harmed, in even the slightest way, by not ejaculating or getting rid of semen buildup. In other words, less politely, it is just another one of those "bs" things some men would like women to believe. Check with your doctor if you want sound medical information about this "condition".
I never thought about the porn thing that way & really have nothing more to say on the matter.
But I did want to think you Ginny putting it that way!
It is like a man is cheating or wanting to cheat.
Though is it ok if it is pics or videos of you & him?
I think it is normal. Maybe you could do some research on the web to find out what the averages are for men his age. By comparison you might find out that he is in the average. Keep the lines of communication open with him.
I agree with Ginny and Pam also. For the recond though Ginny the release thing has some validity. My cousin and her husband were going through some bad times in their marriage (they are now divorced), they had not had sex in 3ish years, Her hubby was in the shower and fell to the floor in pain, they rushed him to the doc. The exact quote from the doc was weekly things had to be released or they CAN end up blocking things and infection set in. I don't know any other specifics, but found it interesting.
We all go through stages in our lives where we need or want sex more often. Men are usually in their late teens to late 20's. And trust me when he reaches his peek and starts to slack off you will be wondering what is up with that too. It is just to bad we can't peek at the same time. But that isn't the way it goes. I won't say you need to get over it and I won't say that he should stop doing it. I think the two of you need to come up with a middle ground to agree on. A compromise of sorts.
Thanks for the help everyone. We have built a compromise and its working for now.
I am surprised and somewhat amused by the many diverse female views on male sexual needs. First I would like to comment upon the claim that “needs” (of men or women) include food and shelter, but do not include sexual satisfaction. It is true that few will die from lack of sex. But that is also true of love, intimacy, communication, passion, faith, fun and just about everything else that makes a marriage (and life) worthwhile. Does anyone object to calling any of these “needs” of partners in marriage?
At any rate, it is common in marriage that the husband and wife are not perfectly matched in their need for sex, or any of the other above needs. As a male who has faced this issue for many years from the other side of the sex drive, I have often faced the choice of either: (a) doing nothing to relieve the sexual tension and getting a poor night’s sleep while building up mounting resentment, (b) trying to arouse my wife even though it is clear that she is not interested (at that particular time) and generating resentment in her or (c) simply taking care of my needs (yes, that is what I call them) and avoiding the negative outcomes of (a) and (b). I usually choose the latter. This does not mean that I don’t love my wife. In fact, I love her dearly. I must admit that I am confused as to why masturbation is viewed in such a negative light by some of the above writers.
Doug, I like your way of thinking when it comes to defining "needs", especially in a marriage. My dh and I are very closely matched in our needs for sex and intimacy, so we don't have a problem with this. But I've often imagined how I would feel if in the scenario that the original poster describes. I don't know if I would be in love with the idea of him masturbating. But, then again, I know that if he had less of a sex drive, I would be feeling rejected, not attractive, like I was doing something wrong. It must be a difficult situation to be in.
I say a man masturbating is better than him cheating. However, then comes in the issue of using pornography while masturbating. THAT I would not approve of. I guess it just depends on how BOTH partners feel. If one partner is feeling hurt, the other should make a change. They should discuss the issue and come to a compromise. That is what a marriage is all about. And Anon said that she and her dh have been openly discussing this problem in their marriage. That is wonderful! Working together in a marriage is what makes a marriage strong.
I would say that a mans sexual needs adn drives are much different than womens and that does not make them "pigs" or anything of the such. As a woman it is important that the wife feel as though her husband finds satisfaction in her and that she is good enough. That is probably the problem here. She feels that she is not enough. Masturbating everyday although common is not exactly healthy. He probably got in the habit while not married and it followed him. IT is not uncommon and I know many women who don't like it especially when their husbands prefer masturbation over sex. Frankly for men it is more physical and it is a lot easier to please themselves than to take the time and energy and have an intimate relationship. As women we need to understand their different needs and vice versa adn work together to find a balance and I am sure with time they can find that. And just becuase the woman is not in the mood does not mean she cannot gladly give to her husband. whether actual intercourse or not.
sorry to post agina but porn is very addictive and progressive in nature and creates unhealthy desires and drives. Sounds like it consumes alof of his time and so to say stop it and then expect that to happen is not realistic. It is like bringing someone else into the relationship and does not foster true intimacy. Intimacy is what it take to make sex really good and not just sex. some might think that I am over reacting but I would seek some help in the area. Especially is you have children or plan on haivng children that is not something you want them to find and create habits that will hurt their future marriage.
Beisdes he is missing out on a lot by not allowing you to be his one and only satisfaction and so are you. Don't rob yourselves of something that is so wonderful by allowing other women and images in the bedroom and in the mind. Men do have different needs but they can be expected to be men and have self discipline and treat their wives with the dignity respect adn honor that they should. And vice versa. We women can also treat our husbands the same way.
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