Ive thought about this quite a bit, and feel like I may have been being negative to my friend, but not on purpose.
Im 39 yrs old, and as most of you know Ive suffered through 4 miscarriages. And, I know partly this is due to my age, as all the statitics point to things happen(Miscarriage, harder to get pregnant after 35).
Anyways, I have one single friend left in Chicago. She is 39 yrs old, the same exact age as me. She has never been married, rarely dates, but is always looking. She is one of those picky types. There is nothing wrong with my friend,she is tall, thin, blonde, has a fulltime job, has a Masters degree.. She travels alot and spends her time that way.
She has recently said she is ready to get married(She has to find somebody first)and wants to have kids..Ok, this is something we all have said being single.
Being she is my only single friend left, she isnt the first person I think of to call or e-mail when it came to my miscarriages etc..She knows all about them, but I just feel we cant relate on this subject. But, she will call me and ask how Im doing , ask me what the drs have said in the past and all that...But, when Ive told what they have said, and about all the info Ive read about pregnancy after 35 and miscarriage rates, she just changes the subject if we are on the phone. Or if its in e-mail , she never responds to any of that. I really feel that Im scaring her about that as she is 39 also. I dont say these things to scare her,or to make her nervous. She asks about me, and what I know and what I think the problem is and I tell her all the statistics that I know.THen I try to put myself in her shoes, her age, never being married, never having kids, or trying to have kids. And, I know shes had a lot of female problems over the years(not pregnancy related)And, Im pretty sure she thinks Im negative talking about this? Then I think, that she has asked me about my life, about my miscarriages, about the drs yet never responds after that.
Am I wrong to talk to her about it if she asks? Like I said she isnt the first person Ive turned to when I was losing all these babies,but we have known each other for 20 yrs.

By Vicki on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 08:55 am:

Jackie, please don't take this wrong at all. But you may be giving her too much information. For one thing, it may very well be making her nervous about her future chances of having a baby. For another, do you know how it is when you ask someone how they are and they go one and on about it? LOL To some people, it is just a polite question. For the time being, try this..just be brief and basic if she asks you about it. Say something like, well, I am doing fine or I am having a bad week or something like that, but be basic and brief. It could be that she feels that is all she has to ask you about! It could be that she does really want to know, but has no idea how exactly to respond to it. Or, if she is a very good friend, I would come right out and ask her about it. Because she continues to ask you though, I am guessing she just has no clue what to say back to you. Many people say nothing in fear of saying the wrong thing. I feel she really does care, but just doesn't know what to say!

By Kate on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:26 am:

I do think the info is scaring her and probably depressing her. If she isn't even married, and does want kids, she's running out of time, which she already knows. To hear all those grim statistics just adds to her sadness. If I were you I'd concentrate with her on how great THIS pregnancy is going and that you think you're going to be one of the many who DO have a healthy pregnancy and baby at your age. There are plenty of statistics out there that are POSITIVE, too, and I'd focus on those. We all know ladies in their forties who have had healthy babies and pregnancies. Time to bring those topics up, in my opinion. She might also think you are 'lecturing' her in a way. If it was me I would think that. I'm sensitive and often read more into what people are saying. She might think you are implying that she's not smart for waiting so long and that if she wants any chance she'd better act now. Also you are more informed than most about this issue and she might even think you are acting supreme in your fertility intelligence here. Maybe she asks you these things because she's hoping for some good news and so she can have hope for herself. And maybe she KEEPS asking because she keeps holding out hope for the good statistics and good answers so she can feel less anxious about her own chances.

Now, I realize you aren't saying any of this to hurt her or lecture her or any of the other things I said. I know you've been thru a lot and when people have medical issues they know a LOT about their condition and so you have all this info at your fingertips and you give the info when asked. And I know it's all good intentions on your part, but I do think your friend isn't liking what she hears for various reasons. You're a good friend to notice her reaction to it all and want to make her more comfortable.

By Dana on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:26 am:

Vicky makes a good point. She may just have no clue what to say back. She cares, but doesn't know what to say. She may also feel unable to relate and not up to the advice she would want to give you. And, yes, she could also be very scared about how all this information will effect her.

By replying w/ only basic information on how you feel ("it's been a bad day emotionally for me" or "having a much better day today! Thanks for asking. How are you today?") she may be more open to responding and carrying the conversation further. Next time she asks, try it and see what happens.

By Karen~moderator on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:43 am:

I'm going to first say that if you *really* don't want to know how someone is, DON'T ASK! That's a touchy spot with me. I've figured out who the people in my life are who really mean it when they ask how I'm doing, and it burns me up when people ask, but don't really mean it, or don't really want to know, they are just trying to make conversation.

Secondly, it probably IS scaring her, sort of like making her own mortality a reality, if you KWIM. Being that you are close friends, I'm sure she DOES care how you are, but it's probably hard for her to process all the facts, due to her own age and marital status. It could be denial on her part, she has said she wants to have a child, but she's watched what's happened to you and what you've gone through in the last year and a half, and deep down, she realizes it could be HER.

If it were me, I'd talk to her about it. It will probably be good for both of you to get this out in the open.

And BTW, how are you doing????? I really want to know!

By Andi on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 11:39 am:

Jackie,
I really want to know how you are doing as well. I think of you often but am worried about bringing up the topic. Please know that there are plenty of us on here who really DO want to know how you are and how you are feeling.

By Bobbie on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 08:31 pm:

I think it is probably a case of her own clock ticking away and her sitting there wondering why she has waited and all the what ifs that are to be in her future. I don't think it has anything to do with you at all but I think out of respect for your friend maybe you should shorten your replies to her. This doesn't mean don't share. It means don't go in to great depth (don't share the statistics ect.). If she asks for them then tell her. If she wants to know how you are tell her how you are. If she wants to know how the baby is tell her how the baby is. Share you pregnancy with her just like you would with any other pregnancy. I am not saying don't rush to the phone with good or even bad news. But maybe a little less medical facts and a little more of the (hmmm) mommy facts (?, make sense?). You can share the stats with us all you need to. But maybe it is all to much for her to digest. BIG HUGS JACKIE and hows everything???

By Marcia on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 08:54 pm:

I would think she's asking because she's trying to make some life decisions, and wants to know what she could be up against. She might not be answering because she's taking it all in, and thinking it over and over. If it's really bothering her, I wouldn't think she'd keep calling and emailing to ask. She'd have asked once to be polite, and that would've been the end of the story.