Not sure what to do about friend
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2004:
Not sure what to do about friend
I swear I'm going to go crazy. I have a friend from highschool, we were actually best friends in highschool. She got married shortly after highschool to a guy that no one approved of. She went her way in life and I went my way, but we've kept in touch here and there.
Her DH is in the military and they were stationed at Fort Hood for a long time. We would talk on the phone maybe once a month. We would e-mail a couple times a week.
They are now stationed in Conneticut. She doesn't really no that many people there and she really hates it there. She wants to go back to TX. She calls me EVERY day just to see what I'm doing. I've got to the point that if I see her name on caller ID I ignore it. Not very nice, I know 
The thing is...if I answer it, she goes on and on about how wonderful and hardworking her DH is. She talks more about him than she does about her 2 kids. I don't care for the guy. I'll put up with him once every couple years when I see them and that's about it. She just talks and talks and basically wastes my time. I always have to end the conversation.
I haven't answered a call from her in several weeks now. I e-mail her more frequently to kind of make up for it. I just tell her I'm really busy, but thinking of her, and so on.
Now for the problem.....yesterday on my caller ID, she had called 16 times. So far today, she has called 12. It's like one call right after the other. It's driving me insane. She doesn't know I have caller ID. This is causing me a ton of extra stress that I don't need right now. I just want the calls to stop. I've told her in several of my e-mails that it's easier for me if we just e-mail.
She isn't one to take hints. She just keeps calling and calling and calling. In fact....my kids have gotten to where if they see me look at the caller ID and then ignore the ringing, they say "oh, is it ____". I don't want them to think I'm rude by ignoring phone calls.
I just don't know what to do. I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Just frustrated. I just want her to leave me alone. We have nothing in common anymore. She lives a completely different lifestyle than we do. I feel bad and at the same time I feel mad.
Oh my 12 and 16 times in one day no wonder
you are stressed! I don't know what you could do. If you keep ignoring her do you think she will get the hint? When you do tell her in a nice way that you are not trying to be rude but you are very busy does she seem to get mad? If it keeps up you may have to just tell her like it is.
Sounds like you grew up and she just stayed the same as she was in high school. So sorry you are having to deal with this. I will be thinking of you. Good luck and keep us posted!
Unplug the phone, lol!
I'm in the same boat right now with a young girl we know, who's pregnant, living with the guy (her second child). Her messages are she wants to come and visit. She has a 2 yo and one on the way. We have 3 dds, us, 3 dogs, a cat... I have no room and not enough mentallity right now for it. I tried to stress this in our last conversation, I don't go into detail with her. I've just stopped answering the phone. I'm afraid she'll come and not go away Not nice, she lives only 4 hours away and I'm afraid I'll find her on our doorstep some morning.
She'll get the hint Robin! Or maybe you should tell her to get out and about to find things to do in Conn. and email you pictures, maybe that'll get her moving.
Wow, that's quite obsessive! I don't believe I've ever called anyone in my entire life that many times in one day! I've been in a similar situation, but since we don't have Caller ID, screening my calls wasn't an option. I finally had to tell this woman politely, as my kids were screaming in the background (thank goodness! LOL!), "I'm sorry, I'm not a phone person and can't carry on a conversation while supervising my kids. Call me if it's important but otherwise I prefer e-mail." I felt terrible but HAD to say something!! She stopped calling and only e-mails occasionally. Whew!
I've also been in her situation re: not knowing anyone in a new community. However, I NEVER would harrass someone with phone calls like that. Yikes! The Internet was a God send but getting out and meeting people in real life is even better. How old are her kids? Tell her to check out these web sites below. There must be other moms like her on base and resources to get together, etc..
MatchingMoms.Org
MothersAndMore.Org
Parents As Teachers
MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers)
Hello ,
This is just a suggestion.My former boss used to call me like that on my days off,mostly to vent about his wife.
Any way I did the same as you and wouldn`t answer the phone. Then one day I did answer it and I said ,
we just got caller ID, I noticed that you called 12X today,it must be important,is everything O.k?
He was speechless at first then mumbled something and said it could wait till I came in to work the next day.
He never called me again at home on my days off.
May be if you said something like I did ?
Or said it in an e-mail? Good luck .
That's a good idea Sue. Never thought of that. Maybe I'll send an e-mail and tell her that I just noticed on my caller ID that she has called 28 times since yesterday and I was worried that there might be an emergency or something.
Like I said, she doesn't take hints. It would have to be pretty blunt for her to catch on. My DH says something that's not very nice "She's not the brightest crayon in the box".
Thanks for those sites Trina...I'll have to e-mail those to her and tell her I came across them and thought they might be nice for her 
I have seriously thought of unplugging the phone, but I have friends that I *do* want to call me and I wouldn't want to miss an important call from someone else either.
The bad thing about is that her family still lives here. I see her mom all the time and she is so sweet. I would feel really bad if I caused trouble and made problems between her mom and I.
Her mom has said before that "______" calls her several times a day and she would hate to see her phone bill.
I definitely think that her calling is obsessive. However, as someone who just moved I can definitely relate to her also. It is so hard when you've moved and don't know anyone. You might want to take that into consideration.
Is it that you don't want her friendship at all or that you are bothered by all her calls since she moved??? If it is the later, then I would try and cut her a break. It sounds like she is really struggling with this move. How about setting up a weekly phone call. If you have a set time then maybe it will stop her calling each day. If you really don't want her friendship, then it sounds like you will have try some other way to distance yourself.
I know that I have been calling and leaning on my two best friends now more then ever. I know they are probably sick of hearing me boo hoo over our move. They have been great and I honestly don't know what I would have done without them the last few months. I don't want to make you feel bad. But, if she is a friend that you want to keep, then I say suck it up and do the best you can to help her through this. If she is not, then I would just be honest and tell her that you have caller id and know she is calling all day and you just don't have time to talk to her everyday.
To be honest, I could do without her friendship. It's all about her anyway. She is a person that I would like to weed from garden of friends. I know it sounds awful. I just don't feel like she is in this friendship 50/50.
I failed to mention that they have been in CT for over a year now. I would think that would be plenty of time to make a few friends. Especially since they are living on base. If I really felt like she was a true, good friend, I wouldn't have a problem talking to her. I have a different friend that I talk to by phone almost every day and I welcome her calls. She scratches my back and I scratch hers, so to speak.
So basically, I wouldn't mind if we weren't "friends" anymore....it doesn't really feel like we are friends anyway. But I hate to be rude and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I guess not answering the phone when she calls is pretty rude in itself though isn't it?
Robin, I would just be honest then and tell her that you are busy and don't have time to talk daily. Also, tell her that you have caller id and you noticed that she is calling several times a day. Ask her if there is a problem and if not tell her it is not acceptable.
Yes, a year is a long time and she needs to get over it and make the best of it. I thought she had just recently moved.
I too had a friend that was all about her. After trying to distance myself with no luck. I finally was just honest and told her that the friendship was not working for me. She asked me why and I was pretty honest in the nicest way possible. Needless to say we are no longer friends and it was the best thing I ever did. Yes, it was hard, but it was just too stressful trying to avoid her.
I have had a friend since grade school, and we have lived in the same town, off and on through the years always keeping in touch. She is very sick so she does not work, when she lived out of town but within visiting distance I would always go to her all the time, since I was 17 years old, as I was the one that drove.She also lived 45 min away, in the next town, and I always went to see her, she moved back to our town, and since she was a single mom, I would take her out shopping doctors and things. Now she is back with her ex, and lives again 45 min away. I have went to see her a couple of times, only because she is always sick, and has turned her sleeping schedule around,so the day time hours , is actually when she would be sleeping.Since she has gotten back with her ex, she is not calling anymore or emailing . I have talked to her and I come straight out and say is it something I said or did, and I get the same reply no I still love you. I have given up now, I do not bother to email her and I have stopped calling her. Part of me thinks it is because half the time she is strung out on pain med's but thier are thoses days when I did get ahold of her and she sounded as normal as you and I, so kind of wonder why she did not bother trying to contact me when she was feeling good. The problem with not returning calls or emails is it is just plain rude. My biggest beef is with people who do not return an email, I have friend who I have been friends with since we were small, I email her but for some reason she can not muster up eneough strength to email back, if someone takes the time to tell you what is going on with in their lives and is asking how you are, you are just being plain ignornant if you do not respond. If my friend did not want to be friends anymore she should have had the guts to say something, and then I would not have bothered to contact her.
As far as your problem, she has gone over the edge, she wants to know why, you won't answer her calls, so call her and tell her get it over with. On her end she thinks she has done nothing wrong, as you were friends before and you did not express any feelings about " the conversations on the phone" that it was really getting to you.She is only calling to find out what is going on, and it will not stop untill you are truthful. I hope you don't think I am coming down on your situation to hard, but I have been on the ignoring end, and it is not fair , she does deserve and explantion. Think of the close friend you have now, if she stopped answering the phone when you call, how would you feel? sad, confused, angry valid emotions when you are being ignored. Call her yah she will be mad at you, but at least you will not get called 16 times a day. Hope you can clear some things up with her,
Mrse, I am NOT ignoring her. I e-mail her frequently. I talk to her on occasion. I have told her that e-mail is easier for me than phone calls.
"The problem with not returning calls or emails is it is just plain rude"
This is not my situation. I don't know if you misunderstood the post or what. She doesn't leave messages ever. I have an answering machine. She just hangs up. I always always always return e-mails.
Also, she does not take the time to ask about my life or about how I am doing. It's all about her. I really think you have misunderstood my posting. It's not like she's a really good friend that puts 100% into our friendship, and I'm just deciding to dump her.
Okay Robin, I have an experiment for you. LOL, just kidding. I wish I did!
This is such a touchy situation. I don't think I would know quite what to do either. I like Sue's suggestion because it gives a stronger hint than you have given, but isn't confrontational. I know you don't want to hurt her, you just aren't interested in continuing this one-sided relationship. That's understandable. I think I like your idea of combining Sue and Trina's ideas and then wait and see what happens. If it doesn't work, you may have to become brutally honest, but I don't think I would want to do that right away either. It's not that she's a bad person, it's just that she's not a good match for a friend for you. There's no reason to hurt her feelings. Try to encourage the fizzle of the friendship.
Good luck. I hope it goes okay for you.
Just wanted to add if shes a military spouse, there are tons of functions that go on and lots of ways to meet people. Each military base has someone to contact re: get togethers and she could even look at the base website online that gives a lot of things to do. She just has to get out there and want to do it. Also, try matching moms. Its a great site.
I agree with the saying something about the caller ID and the number of calls she racked up on your ID box. One thing about it she will know you have it and stop calling so much and when you aren't returning the calls she might back off. But to be honest. I would just tell her that I seem to be in a place in my life that I don't feel like I can be a very good friend to her (busy) and that maybe she should look into meeting some of the ladies there on base........
Wow, that is really odd. That's a lot of phone calls. I would just keep ignoring her and hope she goes away. But, that's just me.
Can you change your # for an unlisted #? Would that be too much trouble?
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