So sick of.........
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2004:
So sick of.........
The stigmatism sp? of us always been broke, and the comments that my family makes because we are broke.I usually get more comments from my family than dh so this makes it really super hard on me. My family is reluctant to ask me to go anywhere or do anything because they know we do not have money. My dad is the worst with the comments, he thinks we do not have money because we just blow our money.He thinks we should budget better, I keep telling him you need money to budget. My oldest dd, is going to be graduating soon, and my sister is buying the grad dress she has taken my dd out of town looking for a dress, and I don't mind that she wants to buy the dress for her present, but it is always in the back of my mind that I know why she is doing it.( I could have went with them to find a dress, but of course, I don't even have money for lunch out. My sister and I went to visit dad tonight, and she was talking about my dd dress and their recent trip out of town, and he went on, and said why is this your problem? She does have a mother! I just sat thier, I was so numb, I felt like I was not even their, that this was not about my dd dress or anything, I felt so detached. My sister just said to my dad, well, a aunty can buy a dress for a present can't she? I just feel like crying, I want to buy the dress , basically just to show them all, that we can do it.My sister and I are pretty close and I have told her about dad's comments and she can't beleive he can be so insenstive,( meaning she knows he is, but can't believe he has the nerve to say the things he does, she also has been his target in the past, but no where near as much as myself. I have alway though that wouldn't it be nice to move out of town for an awesome job and come back in a kind of I'll show you kind of a way, come back for a visit with a new car, and nice clothes, etc.. which is not the way I really am, but just don't want people looking down on us as failures. I look at the other side of the coin too, my friends and family would most likely like to ask me to go out for lunch etc,, but don't want to put me on the spot. I read a post on here one time about someone having a hard time for a while and could not even go into a store to buy a small something I forget what it was, but that is the way it has bascially been all my adult life.
My dh has been going out of town, going with his uncle, learning to drive a semi, and well here is another example of getting --------- on. The uncle says to us, when dh gets this job I am going to take the pay cheque and I will divide it up where it has to go, because you guys don't know how to handle money!! I could not believe my ears when he said that. I am 38 and dh is 40, and we feel like we are 12, I guess if that is the way you are treated that is how you will feel.I am getting so depressed about the whole thing, my life sucks, and yes I have 3 healthy children etc, etc, but the person who said money isn't everything most likely has some. Because it is everything, you need it to be born, go to the bathroom, and it even gets you in the end. I just want to be able to buy a new bra in stead of wearing the same old ratty one, because my 3 dd need new one's first. Sorry for the vent just feeling so down tonight, I know it is no ones fault if we are broke , it is ours, but why do people have to be so mean, I can see if we were just throwing our money around and then crying broke, but we don't even live from paycheque to paycheque. Thanks for listening, usually when I vent on here I feel better but the sick feeling I have is not going away this time.
No one deserves to be talked to that way, no matter what the situation or who is at fault. You are grown, and it is perfectly fine to tell someone to shut their mouth if you feel they are offending you. Next time someone puts you down, tell them you do not want to be talked to that way and that you will not sit there and listen to it. Get up and walk away. It will feel good, and they will get the point eventually. Don't surround yourself with people that are bringing you down. YOU know the real situation, not them. It is YOUR life, not theirs. And if you wanted their input, I'm sure you would ask.
As far as not having any money, we are kind of in a similar situation. But you should start collecting spare change to save up for a special item/outing. Or vow to save a percentage of each paycheck, even if it's only five bucks. Every little bit helps. That you said your 3 dds will be getting their new bras before you get yours shows that you are a good mother and that your children come first. As long as YOU feel that you are doing your best, forget what everyone else thinks. I mean, really....WHO CARES????
I wouldn't talk to my father for a while if he treated me like that. Or I would tell him off and ignore him at family functions. That is abuse. Don't let anyone abuse you. Who cares who buys the dress.
Sounds like your husband is really trying with the new job. Things are looking up. Don't let your father grind you into the earth with negativity.
You know alot of kids wouldn't have a nice dress for the graduation so dd is lucky. You should have seen my ugly dress.
My husband would say leave the house when your father abuses you. Everytime get up and leave. You are too nice to be abused.
HUGS, Mrse. I understand your woes, however, only partly. When I was that poor, I did not have a husband or child to care for. So it never really bothered me that I didn't go to a grocery store in 2 years (I worked at a resturant and ate there). Like you I never participated in family events for the fact that 1)I couldn't afford the gas to get there 2)afford the time off of work 3)afford something as simple as a lunch or coffee out.
It is very dishartening (sp?). If I had children, I think it would have just killed me.
I can tell you, that I lost all my savings during this time and even closed and IRA account w/ penalties (OUCH!) just to afford living. BUT I knew I needed to make a change if I wanted to survive. I CHANGED JOBS! I was a server at on place and changed to another place. Same job, same chain but different store. I went from making tips of MAYBE $50/wk to well over $200/wk. The $200/wk tips was the slow weeks (about $700 on a good week, and I guess $500 avg). In no time, well maybe a year, I had gotten completely out of debt (I had over $5,000 on credit, plus my car loan) and was back in the black! I was finally able to start putting money aside for the things like milk, cereal, paint for the house and other things to restore my home after 2 years of neglect due to money. During that time of paying off, I remained with NO FRILLS! Nothing new and only the absolute necessities. Again, without kids, it is much easier to go without.
The thing that made the biggest difference was I CHANGED JOBS! I had not changed my way of living. I had not moved. I had not let someone else pay my way out. If you are having a tough time, you should look for another job. I have a degree, but during this time I chose a job that had nothing to do with having an education. So not having a degree does not have to be a reason to not have a good paying job.
Of all my jobs (all related to my degree) the job I LOVED was being a server. It was also my highest paying job.
Good luck to you. So sorry you are feeling so down. Try not to let it get the best of you.
Sounds like you are already making changes, in that your dh is taking training. When he finishes the training he may have to work for the patronizing/patriarchal uncle for a while to get the rest of the training and experience, but if uncle does as he threatens with the paycheck, I hope your dh starts looking for another job real fast. I don't care if it's family or not, in the U.S. an employer would not be able to do that if the employee complained.
I agree with whoever it was who posted above - walk out. Your sister sounds like a real gem, and your dad sounds like a real jerk.
I remember being poor - being on welfare poor, which is pretty poor. I remember the way people looked at me when I used food stamps. And showing the Medical Assistance card at the doctor's office.
What really burned me up is that six months earlier, with 3 kids aged 2, 3-1/2 and 8-1/2, I had talked about going back to work and everyone said "oh no, your children need you at home." But, when people knew we were on welfare and my dh was having no luck finding work in his field, everyone who thought I belonged home with my kids was suddenly saying "well, why don't you get a job" and "I'd scrub floors before I took welfare". Actually, I did scrub floors and toilets and a whole lot of stuff. I did it in exchange for tuition for the nursery school my two younger boys attended, and for the church in exchange for cash which was never reported. If I hadn't done that, we would never have been able to pay for shoes for the kids (clothes came from the thrift store, but not shoes) or oil for the furnace.
People act like being poor or being broke is a choice. Sometimes it is, I suppose, but mostly it isn't, certainly not in today's economy. Think of all those people who worked for Enron, all the Kmart employees who are being laid off, all the people who were at the other end of the customer service call whose jobs are now outsourced to India.
Believe me, I sympathize and emphathize. Definitely, BTDT. Vent away, baby, and then go hug your kids.
Mrse...I just did a long post and lost it *sigh*...I'm the one who looked in the store windows and could't even afford a stupid doughnut....
I noticed on your profile that you live in BC. That is why we left and moved to Calgary. BC is so expensive and the jobs are scarce. If I were you, I would consider moving to a different Province.Our life has changed dramatically since we left! We have been gone for 2 years and now we are buying our first house!In Vancouver, we never would have been able to buy.
If you live in a big city, maybe you can get an ESL student to live with you. You get paid about $800 and just have to have a room and feed them. We are thinking about getting one to help us out on our mortgage.
GOOD LUCK Mrse......try to keep and think positive as much
as you can! I really think it helps....
fiona
Mrse, I too have been there. It really does depend where you live....big city like Van. is almost or is impossible to get ahead...unles your a doctor or something. Hang in there, things will get better, sounds like there are changes being made. Sometimes change takes time. As far as family, well, not much you can do about what and how they think you just have to assert yourself and tell them how you feel. Been there done that and actually have family that is sooo disfunctional that they are just not in my life anymore. You can't have people abuse you like that you need support! Not have people bring you down. You are not alone most of us have had very difficult times and they too will pass. I know it's easy to say, when your in that situation it seems like it will never end. Hang in there...good luck to hubby. I'm rushed today but had to respond as this hit a chord with me. Hope this makes sense. Take care, stay positive....
(((((hugs)))))
I hope you're feeling better this morning. I think most everyone has hit a "poor spot" in their life where things seemed like they would never get better. We've been in over our head before and it is very frustrating.
As for the situation with your dad, I agree with everyone above. You don't deserve to be treated that way. Just leave. Show him that you are too good for that kind of nonsense.
Keep your chin up and your options open. Maybe a move would be good for everyone involved. Do you do some sort of handicraft? Awhile back I started selling something that I enjoy making on E-bay for ridiculously high prices. I was shocked at what people were paying for my little handicraft. I make about $100 a week from it now and it's nice to have the extra money coming in.
Feel free to e-mail me if you want to. hessey@sisna.com
Thanks guys, the thing with my dad is one time, he got into this thing, that every time we went for a visit he would bring up our money situation, and go on and on, I was at a all time low, so depressed and I freaked out on him, and started bawling and told him I could not handle it anymore and he did stop for a while. It is weird because he is starting to get back into it again. I have told my mom on several occasions that he does not seem to feel better untill he has went on and on about our situation, sometimes I look at him and I tell him, do you feel better? and I also say well you have done your job, I feel like ------ I guess I can go home now. If we go for a visit, I always avoid him if he is in a mood you can just tell.
If dh gets this job out of town, and it looks like it is a keeper , we just might move but right now I have a consistant job for the past 6 years and I can potentially get 3 dollars and hour more before the end of the year. If I did not have a job, then I would move in a min, but I love my job, and I have worked so hard to be where I am, but with dh having to live out of town, I may have to choose , and of course it would be dh, but that would mean starting back at min wage again no win for losing.
I am going to try to think postive, but the job is just not coming fast eneough, hopefully he will get his training time in, and then we will be on our way to final happiness.
I agree that the treatment you are receiving is abuse and I would tell them just exactly where they can go. Focus on you and your family, getting through day by day, and ignore the ones around you who put you down. As far as your financial situation, only you and your DH know what's best for you. I'm sure you would not have made it the last 20 years on your own if you couldn't handle it. Good luck with everything!!!
Hang in there! And you are cutting your skills WAY TO SHORT! You are carrying a job and doing well with it. Clearly, or they would not have you continue and trust you the way they do. If I recall, you do that lodge or something to that effect?
If you start over, you DO NOT HAVE TO START AT MINIMUM WAGE! You have talents, knowledge and experience. Minimum wage is for beginners with no experience. HAVE FAITH in yourself and your skills and knowledge. Expect nothing less than your talents!
Good luck to you. I hope this hump ends for you soon.
Oh I so feel your pain... Big hugs for both of us..
|
Members
