The 4 yr old post got me thinking....
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2004:
The 4 yr old post got me thinking....
My daughter is 4 and will be 5 in July. Yes, she has had her moments, temper tantrums and all, but thankfully things are getting better as she grows older. She is still one to say NO easily, but has learned(just recently)that we are the boss not her. This little defiant creature at home is the perfect child at preschool, I dont get that 
But, there are times we are at the store, and I must keep telling her "Dont touch that", stop bothering people(she loves to talk to people, touch them etc..)people look at my like I cant control my child.
Thats where my question comes in, do people ever give you dirty looks when your child is acting up. Or do people ever say "my child would never do that". Or "My child always does etc..."
For instance, my daughter very rarely will sit in a shopping cart. Apart from when she was a baby, she doesnt sit in a shopping cart. So in turn, over the yrs, I try not to take her grocery shopping, or on long shopping trips in Walmart. I spendmore time dealing with her, then shopping. I have friends say 'Oh my child always sits in the shopping cart" Or "I make my child sit there, they know who is in control"...Sure I could "make" my daughter stay in the shopping car over the yrs, but not without fussing and yelling and crying..To me, that is not worth it, I rather just leave her at home...
My child is not a big eater, so there are many times we go out to dinner, and she doesnt eat. we dont order her food, unless she really wants it as she is so picky. This isnt a problem for us, we usually just bring some applesauce or cheesesticks for her. I have friends say "Oh I wouldnt do that, if she cant eat whats there, then my kids wouldnt eat at all".
Why do people think they have to the right to make you feel bad about your child rearing techniques.?
Alot of times I dont always agree with what friends do in regards to their children,but I bite my tongue. Im not the perfect parent, and figure I have no right putting down anybodys parenting style(well as long as they arent beating their children etc.. LOL)
I am the one who posted about the Help with the 4 year old. I know exactly what you mean. I took my little girl shopping with me Friday night. It was so miserable. It is just constantly fighting, although thankfully she will sit in the cart. She talks to everybody, and it's cute at first, but then people just want to get on with their shopping. She started talking to a man at Target, and then she just kept SCREAMING his name afterwards. Oh, well, I know, my mom always says you never acted this way, or people will say she's spoiled, blah, blah, blah. She probably is a little spoiled as far as me buying her things, but I don't think this has caused her behavior problems. My friends just think I don't discipline her enough or harsh enough. I try to not feel bad about people giving me their opinion. They don't live with this child and have no idea. Every child is different. So just let them talk and don't listen!
LOL well my 1 year old wants to walk in the store on his own without holding a hand so that he can pull EVERYTHING off the shelves, if we put him in the cart he either screams or he gets things out and starts to tear into them, once he chewed through a pack of cheese!! If we hold his hand he goes limp so it looks like we are dragging him! One time 2 guys were in the aisle and actually looked at me and one guy said " That is exactly why i hate kids!!" You know i just think to myself, your day will come!! I don't care about those women who say my kid would never do that cuz i am sure their kid did something that mine would never do.
I have learned to ignore other people in stores, on planes, etc. Concentrate on your child. If you have to leave a full cart in the aisle, do so.
( I have done this a few times. I would let the clerk up front know....with a screaming toddler in tow they smile....they see it everyday!)
Follow through with what you say to the child and do not start buying them things to make them be quiet. Believe me, it may work for one child but four kids in all a person can go broke trying to pick up milk and eggs! ;)
Another tip is to let the kids help with the grocery shopping. At home they can help with a list. They can help write it out, pick out pictures in a magazine, draw pictures, etc of the items they are in charge of finding at the store.
You can set it by the certain aisles in which you will be in for that store trip.
Let them help with one meal's planning and let them decide help with finding the items. If you are buying pasta, let them pick out the shape, showing them two choices, not the entire pasta section to choose from!
Let them be involved in the experience of the shopping trip not just to tag along, being bored and looking at all of the exciting things to buy.
This does take longer....but it does help!
I hope this helps a little.
I was so happy to read all these posts today! I almost posted the same thing on Wed. From the day he was born my ds has been a bit of a handful.I spent the first few years being quite strict and very consistent. To be honest, it didn't work at all for us. When he was about 21/2 I gave up on all that and now I basically let him do ALMOST anything he wants. I definitely do have limits with him.If we go shopping somewhere, he always gets one small treat and it usually keeps him quite happy,however, I wouldn't buy him everything he asks for. At home he just runs wild,runs around half naked...loves to dress up as a clown....doesn't have a set bedtime...I really don't sweat the small stuff anymore.I used to give him time-outs according to his age. That was a big mistake for us. He would go ballistic in his room and pull on the door, so I put on one of those safety door handle things and he would have to stay in for 2 minutes. He would go hysterical. One morning, I was sleeping with him in his room. I got up to leave the room, and I couldn't open the childproof handle thing!First I was annoyed...then I was mad...then I was frantic and almost pannicky! I ripped that thing off the door and chucked it in the garbage. I hated the thought that ds had maybe had those exact emotions.... Now if he is violent or hitting out(very rare thank god) I do a 'time in'. I pick him up and sit on the couch and give him a big bearhug and hold him and soothe him.
My friends and family all think that he is spoiled. But at the same time, they have to agree that he is so much happier and there is less fighting and screaming than there used to be.
I think that there are certain kids that have to be treated differently. Me and my sister were like that. I was an angel. My mom would just give me 'the look' and I would do whatever had to be done. My sister, on the other hand, was impossible to deal with. My mom was like all the other moms we knew. Everyone seemed to treat their kids the same back then. Fairly strict. When my sis was about 6 my mom grounded her in her room for the afternoon. She took the screen out of her window and climbed or jumped out(we never figured out which-it was a good story and a half from the ground)and ran away. Hitting,yelling, taking away things...nothing helped. They labeled her hyperactive and made her drink coffee(supposedly this helped calm them down).It never worked but started her on her liflong love of the beverage...When Phae was a teenager things were even worse....my mom trying to control her was a big waste of time.When she would give up and leave her alone, things would calm down...but all the years of fighting had filled my sister with so much animosity and anger...when she was 17 she left home....had a couple of years losing dead-end jobs because of her temper.Finally when she was 19 she got a job at Hallmark cards in a mini mall. A year or two later was the manger of the downtown Hallmark. She then got a job in an office and learned how to use a computer.A year later the company layed off everybody except my sister(including her boss)..little miss 'hyperactive' had been going around learning everyones job by helping them(she was also the only one who could fix the coffee machine)! They kept her on and she ran the whole office for a few years! Now she is a business analyst for an oil company.She rakes in the bucks and is the most reliable and hardworking person I have ever seen! Not bad for a hyperactive high school dropout eh?
I think her life would have been a lot easier though, if my mom had been a little less strict and gave her a little leeway.She also says that she always felt like a 'bad kid' and she still feels a lot of sadness around this.
I always wanted to tell the story of my sister.Whew! Sorry this post is so long, but I really feel strongly about this whole subject. Before I had Eliah,I planned on being a VERY FIRM mother. But my child has led me in a different direction, and my life is a lot easier now that I have let a few things go. It does suck though,when people who have compliant children(like I was)tell me that my kid 'rules the roost'. I wish they could have seen me last year!Oh-by the way,ds will be 4 in August. He is a Leo which tells you a lot if you believe in astrology.
Oh-Annie2-I love your hints for shopping.I do it sometimes with Eliah. I also talk to him through the whole trip..."So,should we get this cereal or this? Do you feel like more apples? Do you think Daddy would like some of this?"...he loves to be included......
I am lucky, because he is quite well behaved in malls and stores....It's at home that can be the problem for us
Here it is, ladies: "Excuse me, I was taught that it is rude to intrude into other people's business unless you are asked. Please leave us alone."
If you want to, you can substitute -
"She is my child and if there is a problem, it is my problem. I am sure you mean well but if I want advice I will ask a professional."
Look, some kids are harder than others. Some kids act up in public, others act up at home. If you are lucky (and I was, most of the time), the acting up is done at home. Some few people mean well when they make comments or intrude, but most, I think, are just nosy or want to let you know how superior their children are (and by extension, what superior parents they are). They are being extremely rude and should be treated the way you treat most rude people.
I remember a man coming up to my son in his stroller at the flower show and pulling his thumb out of his mouth, with the comment "He's too old to do that." Fortunately, my wits were with me, and I responded, "and you're old enough to know you shouldn't go around touching other people's children". (Wish I were always that quick-witted, that was one in 10,000.)
And when you have a special child with special needs and special problems, it doesn't help that people think they can solve all your problems and your child's problems with a few intrusive and rude remarks.
When I see a child acting up in a store and the parent(s) are clearly trying to handle things and not ignoring the child or being abusive, sometimes I'll wait until there is a somewhat quieter moment and will smile and say to them "Been there, done that, and I remember just how frustrating it was. Believe me, this too shall pass." Mostly the parent looks and me and grins and says thanks.
Annie has some good suggestions. I too have walked out of a supermarket leaving a cart full of groceries. Mostly the store clerks are alright with it if you can take the time to tell them so they can take care of any perishables.
Great advice, Annie. I am going to try your shopping suggestions and see how that works. My DD loves to go the grocery store with me, and this may make it more fun for the both of us. Thanks!
With my kids, I usually ignore a LOT of what people say. I can't be concerned about what they think or it'd drive me nuts. Especially with Robin and all his problems. People don't know what's going on with him so they don't have a clue what I'm dealing with. Thankfully, most people don't say anything directly to me, because then I'd have to come back with my "You don't know my son's medical problems, so you can't give me advise" speech. Yes, I've practiced it. Parents with kids like mine have to. I did have a 14yo last night ask me if I'd ever thought about putting soap or spray Pam (yikes!) in Robin's mouth (extream potty mouth--not profane, but just rude). I just told him we save the soap for the really bad stuff. This is a kid we know very well (I was giving him a ride home from church--he also babysits my kids once in a while) so I told him with Robin's problems we can't sweat the small stuff. If it were someone we didn't know I'd have probably either ignored him or given him a dirty "mind your own business" look. For your dd you could take some practice trips to the store. Go for just a few items and take your time. If she acts up you can leave immediatly and you haven't wasted much of a trip because you didn't go for much anyway. Good luck.
|
Members
