Too strict?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2004:
Too strict?
New rule in our house: For every 10 minutes your late (checking in or coming home), your grounded for a day. I've been told I'm being very strict...I don't think I am. What do you think?
No, I don't think so. Obviously this has become a problem in your household with previous measures not working.
Just make sure you follow through. If you do, I'm sure this can be nipped in the bud. 
What age child(ren)?
How old are your Children ?
Are they teenagers ?
If so then I agree with what Annie said.
It is so true , If you follow through it can be nipped in the bud.
It`s so hard sometime`s though .
Rule is for the older boys: 12 and 15.
I think 10 minutes is too strict. I would opt for 1/2 hour for the first day of grounding, and an additional day for each 15 minutes.
My reason is I raised three boys. I found that allowing a half-hour leeway was OK, because I didn't start worrying until at least a half hour after they were due. But, cross that 30 minute line and there was no recourse. And quarter-hour increments are reasonable.
And, if you call me at least a half hour before your due time and tell me you are going to be late and have a reasonably good reason, you are OK as long as you are on your way home right now. The first time it happens, "I lost track of time" is a good reason. But the second time you lose track of time, it is not a good reason because at your age you are able to keep track of time. So the first time I got a "lost track of time" call I said OK, but you had your "one bite" - lose track of time again and you'll wind up grounded. Other reasons - I handled it on a case by case basis: snow storms - yes; the movie was longer than I thought and doesn't end for another x minutes - ok, the first and maybe the second time but after that you check the movie schedule before you leave the house; we decided to go somewhere other than I thought we were going and I didn't think I'd be late - you got problems, kid, because you should have called me when you decided to go somewhere else. And so on.
The other part of the rule was that if you know you are going to be late and you have an opportunity to call me and you don't, there is absolutely no leeway and an extra day is added for not calling. The second time you don't call, two days is added for not calling - and so on.
The thing is, I agree you have to make rules about when kids get home and you have to stick to them. But, you also have to live with the consequences of sticking to them. If you have a 10 minute rule you are going to do a fair amount of grounding because 10 minutes can just happen with the best of intentions and with every good effort made to get home on time - do you really want to live with a 15 year old boy complaining to you and his friends about being grounded over 10 minutes?
The other thing I did and suggest you do is talk this rule over with the boys. Explain that it is not just because you want to control their lives (of course you want to control their lives - you're the parents - I certainly wanted to control my sons' lives ((and I still do - lots of luck there))), but that you worry, as any reasonable person does when someone who lives in their house is out past an expected ETA, and this way you know when you should start worrying. That's why there were additional penalties for not calling - even if you don't have a good reason, call me, because if you don't call I worry and if I have to worry unnecessarily because you could have called me you are going to be penalized.
The flip side of that is that if you go out and the boys are home alone, you tell them an ETA and if you and dh are going to be late, you call. That does three things - it keeps your kids from worrying; it lets them know that you are serious about not causing people unnecessary worry; and it lets them know that everyone has to follow rules, not just teenagers with strict parents. (One time I went out for drinks after work and lost track of time until around 8 p.m. When I called home my boys were furious - the middle one said "we were about to call the police". But they were all really, really good about calling home after that.)
I think it is important to tell your children the reasoning behind the rules. Not just "because I'm the parent and I say so because I can do this", but the real reasoning. That does a couple of things: it lets them know you are not just doing it arbitrarily or just because you're "bigger" and you can - that's important for how they treat other people; if they know your reasoning they can see how your rules apply to situations other than the specific situations you list and it gives them less leeway in terms of "but you didn't forbid this specific thing"; it helps them to understand your values, which helps them in developing their own values for after they move out.
My final comment, which I have made here and other places many times. I was a strict parent. I thought so, my sons thought so and their friends thought so. I'd be happy to discuss my many rules if you are interested. I heard a lot of moaning about how strict I was compared to other parents and how other parents weren't so strict and their kids were OK. But, each of my three, after they had moved out and experienced other life styles, came back and said they were glad I was strict. The one who gave me the most grief about my rules and how I was being unfair and other parents were less strict and more "fair" told me he was glad I was strict because he knew how to behave and was embarassed often by friends who didn't know how to behave; that my rules kept him out of trouble and on the right track and he could see how his friends had gotten into trouble and/or on the wrong track because their parents were so lenient and didn't make many behavioral demands. So I do think that it is not only important to be a strict parent - it has good payoffs if you can live through the teenage and early 20s hassle and angst.
I had this issue with my 14yo the other day. I dropped her off at church for confirmation class around 6:15 pm or so. It goes until 7:45 pm and she is brought home by her friend's mom, who is also her teacher. So, she gets home around 8'ish. Well, time passes and time passes and time passes. About 9:00pm, I call church to find out if she is there, but they said she had just left and then I heard the car in the driveway. I wasn't all that worried, because I figured she was doing something at church yet, but it would have been nice to know what.
She forgot to tell me she was staying later to make cupcakes for the homeless meal that would have happened today. She said she thought about calling! Grr. I told her she should have either told me before she went to class, or when she realized she forgot, she should have called home to tell me.
I know she knows this. When she was about 5 or 6 and running around with the neighbor girl between our 2 houses, once the neighbor girl went to another neighbor's house and didn't tell her mom. Ann was frantic wondering where M. was. So, M. got grounded to the yard for a day. This had such an effect on my DD, too, that she never forgot to run in the house to tell me she was going to M.'s house. I didn't care if she went to M.'s house, I just needed to know she was going there. I should remind her of that!
I agree with Ginny. I think the 10 mins is a little too strict. What if they are stuck in traffic? Or what if they are at a movie that is longer than 2 hours?
Do your boys take a cell phone with them when they leave home without you? I think you might consider this, at least for the 15 year old. That way if they are going to be late, you won't here the "there wasn't a phone around" story.
I remember when I was a teenager and sometimes things just happened that were beyond my control, but I always called my parents. Sometimes, I think we, as parents, forget what it is like to be a teenager much too quickly.
I do not think its to strict. I mean if they have a good reason why they are late then no I would not ground them. This day an age you can always call if you think you will be late. Pay phones are everywhere if you dont have a cell phone.
These teenagers are going to have college someday and jobs so they might as well get used to it.
Ginny and Mommy I agree with you that yes sometimes things do happen that just cant be helped. Sometimes things like that happen and I would never ground my kid for something like that.
that WOULD be to strict.
That you for your insights. I am a very strict parent in some respects, but feel I give my kids (especially the older ones) a lot of leeway.
The problem isn't with my 15 yr old (surprise!), he is very responsible and has only been late a couple of times. My 12 yr old is the one who is consistently late. It started gradually, 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 20 and so on until he seemed to completey disregard his check in time. I accepted each excuse (he didn't realize what time it was, he had trouble with his bike, etc.) and told him to make sure he was on time the next time. He's not at the movies or a scheduled activity, he's over his friends' house. The one day, he came in 45 minutes late and I kept him in for a day. The next time he went out, he came home 30 minutes late. So, rather than yell and lecture, I instituted this new rule. I didn't know what else to do.
Given the history and the age of the child, I think you are doing the right thing. He has taken advantage of your accepting his excuses and it is past time for him to learn that he has to keep track of time and either get home on time or call you.
I would, however, keep a diary and after several weeks or a few months of being on time, if he asks for a somewhat longer leeway before being grounded, be open to discuss it.
I'd diary it on the calender for another reason too, so that you have a record of how late he was on a specific day and how many days he was grounded, so he has a concrete reminder of the consequences of not paying attention to time.
It is simply common courtesy to either be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be there, or call and explain. It saves the person(s) waiting for you a lot of worry, and when those persons are parents there is already so much worry it is not only discourteous, it is very unkind to add a worry that can be avoided with simple courtesy.
I think it sounds reasonable. IMO, if you give them an extra half hour before any punishment sets in, then that's essentially extending their curfew for an additional half hour. They will know that they can be a half hour late, and will most likely push that to the limit.
If they need to be home at 10pm, then they should start thinking about it at 9:30 (depending on where they are of course) and plan to be home by 10. If there is no punishment till 10:30, then they will most likely not start to think about getting home until 10 or just after. Which, obviously is already past their original curfew.
Sometimes something happens and you are late...nothing you can do about it. But, for the most part, you can get where you need to be on time. I think that by setting the "10 minute" rule that it will teach them responsibility for other situations in their life. It's not OK to be 30 minutes late for work.....it's not OK to be 30 minutes late for school, church, meetings and so on.
I don't know what my mom would have done if I had missed my curfew. I never missed it because I never wanted to find out! LOL! If my parents said to be home by midnight, I was home by midnight.
Not too strict at all I dont think. I have a 17 year old sister still at home with parents. She comes home whenever she feels like it. So my mom recently had to lay down the rule after some serious mishap..so she is under a similar rule. I was never ever late for my curfew, was way to scared to ever be late. Funny how the little ones get away with more.
When we were growing up for every minute we were late we had to be in that many minutes early. For the next month and if we were late again then we were grounded for the entire next weekend from going out but for the rest of the month we still lost those extra minutes.
I don't think you're too strict, but if you're concerned, give him 2 "get out of jail" cards a month. That should free him up for circumstances out of his control.
I don't think you are being too strict. I think it is very reasonable. I will have to try to remember this when my kids become of age to come and go. (right now they are 2 and 6, I'm too paranoid to let them in the front yard alone and we live ON base)
I totally believe in strict rules, and no excuses. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort to follow up with the consequences when kids flaunt the rules. It seems harder on you than on them. You need to be consistent in seeing that the punishments are administered as promised. This consistency is the only way it works.
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