Talking to our kids about strangers
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2004:
Talking to our kids about strangers
This morning after hearing the news, I talked to my girls about what they should do if a stranger approaches them. We have had this talk many times before but I was shocked when I asked my daughter (she's 4) what she would do if a stranger asked her to come find his puppy. She immediately told me she would help him. I mean we have gone over this before and she didn't even think twice.
Anyways, how do you talk to your kids about strangers? We went through several scenarios today but I think we need to revisit it again. For her age, I explained that a stranger could take you away from your family. I told her if a stranger approaches or talks to her in a car, store, etc. that she immediately call for me, DH, grammy and if she is scared it is okay to scream or yell for help. Anything else I should add?
Although we do talk about strangers I try not to stress the "stranger" angle. Not all strangers are evil, and not all people we *know* are trustworthy. I tell my kids they're not allowed to go with anyone without parental consent. To scream, call for help and run if someone tries to force them. To listen to any "bad feelings" they may have and seek help. If they should get lost while out in public I've taught them it's OK to ask a store clerk/employee, police officer or a Mom with kids for help.
There's a great Berenstain Bears book about talking to strangers. It is good without being scary. I'd suggest a trip to the library to get that book and read it together. Some things we do:
*Don't talk to any unfamiliar adult without us present.
*If someone approaches in a car, then walk away. Don't worry about being rude.
*If you ever feel scared by an adult it is perfectly okay to scream, hit, pinch, bite, etc.
*We have a family code word that if someone other than us needs to pick the kids up for some reason (i.e., one time DH's secretary when I was at work and he got caught up in a meeting)they would use it. Even though the kids knew "Miss Jessica" well, they wouldn't go with her until she said the secret word. This confirmed to them that she had our permission to get them, since we had given her the code. We periodically test them on this too.
*Our pediatrician in MO did this wonderful thing!! Before he examined our boys he would tell them (even as toddlers), "Nobody should EVER look at or touch your private parts without asking your mom or dad first." Then he would turn to me and ask, "Is is okay for me to examine your son?" I thought this was great since many child molesters will say "It's okay, I'm a doctor" or similarly engage a child's trust. This ped. made it clear that even a doctor shouldn't touch them without parental consent.
First, explain that a stranger is ANYONE you do not know. Kids seem to think that a stranger looks like a "bad" person. I tell my daughter she may talk to strangers (someone she has not yet met) as long as she is close enough to touch me.
I told her this morning that if someone does actually grab her, she is to kick, bite, scratch and scream! I told her to scream "You are not my Daddy (or Mommy)". We also have practiced this with both me and DH taking her. She loves the role playing.
I must say, however, she is always scared after we have one of these talks, but I reassure her that practicing helps us to know what to do, just like a fire drill helps us. Chances are, she will not have to deal with being taken, but we want to be safe, just in case.
I have been explaining to her at every chance WHY I have the rules I do about going somewhere (such as using the same stall in the bathroom) and why she is not allowed to stand alone in public places.
We talk about nice strangers as much as bad strangers. MOST strangers are nice.
I also told her that if she is ever lost, she is to look for a mommy with children and tell her she needs help. I truly don't think looking for a man in a uniform is the best thing for a child to do.
I told her that if a stranger does get close enough to her and says "don't scream" (or run, or don't tell) to not worry about her manners. She is allowed to be rude and not follow his/her directions. She can scream, she can run and she should tell.
We also talked about what if she and her friend are together and a stranger seems nice and wants to do something. I told her to scream, run and tell mommy (or any mom) and to tell her friend to run too. As hard as it is, I told her that if her friend does not want to run, she should tell the friend to run again while she runs away. Do not stay with her friend and the person we do not know. Tell me (or another mommy) that there is a stranger wanting to be with you and friend. Show them where they are. DD has a hard time understanding why she should leave her friend w/ a stranger if she won't run too. So sad  I try to explain that by getting another mommy to help will keep her friend safe. Staying w/ the friend will not allow another adult to help them.
During this recent events, I have let DD (age 5) watch the actual abduction. I stress that this little girl was a "big girl" and even older children can be hurt. I tell her that I will always have rules for her pertection. Even when you think you are a big girl, you still need to stay safe.
We have also been talking about children (BULLIES) that can harm you too. I told her she is allowed to be rude to them too. If they touch her in a hurtful way, she may fight back. First choice is to walk away, but if they touch her and she can not leave, FIGHT!
Who would have thought I would be talking about these things at such a young age. She has had talks about molestation by family and strangers, drugs, drinking, abduction and bullies. And she is only 5! So sad to think they need to be so well armed at this age.
Pam, I love what your ped did. What a smart way to introduce your child (and the parents!) to how to talk about who can touch them.
I HIGHLY recommend this book:
Protecting the Gift Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane)
by Gavin De Becker
I also highly recommend his other book, The Gift of Fear
This guy's job is to protect people and predict violent behavior from people. He's been appointed by a president three times now. He works with the CIA and US Supreme Court. He KNOWS what he is talking about and his advice is EXCELLENT.
I'd provide links to both at Amazon, but the links are soooo long they'd mess up this thread and that's a pain. But both come right up at Amazon. Do yourself a favor and order both books. I've gotten them for the female members of my family and some female friends.
I heard on the news there are 17 "lures" that people use to attract children...
Does anyone know all 17, I would like to know them and pass them along to the kid's school.
Pamt, i love what your pediatrician did. That's great.
My dd is so quiet and trusting, i think she would just get into a strangers car. Especially if they tell her that they know mommy and daddy. That is so scary.
We have talked about strangers in the past, but i do need to talk about it more with both my kids.
I will have to check out those books that Kate posted.
http://www.safetykids.org
I found this link that might be helpful. At the top they have tips for kids and tips for parents on keeping children safe. They also have activity books and the like, that you can buy and go over with your kids. HTH
I think that video tape of the Florida girl is a real eye-opener. It's that easy to take a child. No matter what the kids have been trained to do or not do, it's that simple. Scary stuff.
Go to today.msnbc.com. You can order a book which teaches your child about the child "lures" these scumbag con artists use to capture our kids.
It is $5.00. I haven't received mine yet but I saw the authour on the Today show and it seems like a wonderful tool.
The authour is the man that did a segment on the Oprah show where they had hidden cameras on kids to see if they would go with a stranger.
I agree, Pam, your pediatrician is terrific.
I think one of the issues for children is that most of the time we tell them to be polite, and they have to understand that if a stranger touches them or tries to talk to them it is OK to not be polite - even if the stranger is a gradmotherly looking woman.
While I understand your daughter being somewhat frightened after the role play, Dana, I think you are definitely on the right track with rehearsals. After all, the Fire Dept. tells us to practice getting out of the house in case of fire, and I remember the nuclear bomb drills in school when I was a kid - this is certainly equally as important.
Kate and Pamt, those books are wonderful. Our family is dealing with something awful right now and this thread really hits home. Trina, I was so glad, when I first opened this post, to see that you posted than not everyone you know is trustworthy. That is SO tragically true.
As a matter of fact, most children that are molested, are done so by someone they know, either in the family, or close to the family.
Yes, they certainly are.....and believe me, you usually would NEVER suspect them of it........
The author of the book I mentioned said code words shouldn't be used because it is very easy for a child molester to con the child into telling them their code word. Just a thought.
Karen, prayers and hugs for problem your family is dealing with at this time. (((HUGS)))
The best explanation of this I've ever heard is to encourage children to listen to their "UH-OH" feelings. This goes for strangers and sexual abuse.
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