Here's a quick background before I get into my problem: dh and I live with his father. his father and mother are divorced and his father has a serious girlfriend who has become close to us as a result of us living here. girlfriend has one dd who is my dh's age.

Ok, last night my dh and I went out and my fil and his girlfriend offered to watch my dd while we were out. that was nice of them. Before I left, I wrote a list of things that I wanted them to know and also told them verbally as well. One of the things was not to give my dd anything to eat or drink because she wakes up alot wet in the middle of the night so I try to prevent that by not giving her anything after dinner. We came home and we were told that she wanted to put her 2 cents in on a few things. She started going down a list of things that she thought we "should do" and wanted to buy my dd things that she thought she should have. Is it just me or did I ask for any parental advice? I don't think so. Then this morning I went to the kitchen to find 3 oz of formula sitting there on the counter! I can't believe she went against what I said and gave my dd formula anyway, AND ON TOP OF THAT, didn't put the unused formula back in the fridge and left it out so now it is wasted! OMG I want to yell. People here know how much formula costs.

What do you ladies think about this? How should I handle it? Should I confront her or let it alone?

By Marg on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 11:46 am:

Tracie,

I would opt out and leave it alone (that's my own personality though).

My dad's in the same situation, and I DON'T LIKE DAD's girlfriend. I will never leave any of my children alone with her and my dad. She is very domineering and critical even of her own grandchildren (I heard it from their own mouths).

Personally, I would opt and be nice to them, never let them babysit again and find another babysitter.

My dad can't see the light when it comes to this woman, he hasn't seen his own grandkids since Christmas and only lives 2 miles away. I don't know what the problem is but many people have told me.

To be honest (everyone) I have given up on dad. I'm tired of trying to paint a rosey picture, and it ain't working.

So what my advise is let everything blow over and ignore her, your dad is more important than her, and she may or may not be around for a long period of time.

Sorry, it sounds as if we are in the same boat

By Sunny on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 12:00 pm:

Practice this saying right now: 'Thank you for your input, but we are doing fine. If I need any advice in the future, though, I'll be sure to ask you'.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to continue to get a lot of unwanted advice, from family, friends and strangers. Some of it you may find helpful and might try, but mostly it will be unwanted and annoying.

As far as your FIL's girlfriend, I would ask why she gave your DD formula after you had asked her not to. In her defense, it could have been the only way she knew to get her to sleep or calm her. I don't know...she could have done it because she wanted to, regardless of your instructions! You know her better than I do. I probably would drop it after that and not use her again to babysit. If you can't trust a sitter to follow your instructions (no matter how good the intentions), how can you trust them in other ways when in comes to caring for your child? I know I couldn't.

By Trina~moderator on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 12:02 pm:

Ditto Sunny

By Insaneusmcwife on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 12:04 pm:

That is a real sticky one. When ds was about 6 months old I moved in with my inlaws to try to find a job and an apartment as dh thought he was getting out. I was there about 2 months and it just about killed me mentally. My mil was always doing things her way and she knows best and I was just a first time mom that didn't know anything. One day I came home and they had given him a choc. egg with carmel inside. He had it all over him and ofcourse was wired. I was irate. I called dh and he said what he always said, let it go. And I did. Then I came home from work and there was a bottle sitting on the counter it looked like water with some syrupy stuff in it. I freaked. It was honey. I called dh again and he told me that it didn't kill her childeren and to just let it go. I packed some bags and took a trip to So. California to visit with my parents. While I was down there dh decided to re-up so I moved back to Pendleton with him. Well to make a long story short we went back to go camping for a family reunion. My mil started in on me about how I needed to be doing things and treating me like a child that dosn't know anything. I had had enough. I blew up and we got into a huge screaming match. Every since then she has backed way off. She said she didn't know I felt that way since I had never said anything she figured I need all that guidance. Now, she asks me before giving the kids anything she knows I don't give them. Which now with their ages they can have just about anything. She still makes her comments but more in a have you tried this kind of way not you need to do it this way kind of way. I am NOT saying to blow up at her. Just maybe talk to her and explain that although you appreciate her help and advice, that you are the mom and you do things your way for a reason. She may not know that she has upset you. What does your dh think about this?

By Newbabysarah on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 01:46 pm:

He doesn't really have an opinion on this. He agrees that she shouldn't have offered her advice without us asking for it. She even said " I am going to give you my 2 cents even though I probably shouldn't say anything." Duh! If she knew she shouldn't say anything then why did she????? Thanks for the input.

By Carolk on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 04:05 pm:

***She even said " I am going to give you my 2 cents even though I probably shouldn't say anything." ***

I just had to comment about this. That quote actually sounds like my Mother. My MIL never butts in with anything. I agree that you shouldn't blow up at her and that you should try to talk to her. You know her better than we do. If I say one thing that sounds like I'm criticizing(sp?) my Mother, she'll either start crying or she'll try to turn it around on me and then we'll start arguing and she'll end up crying. She uses it as a guilt trip. I find myself getting very annoyed with her.

Kristie had posted about the way advice was given. I have that same problem too. But again it's my Mother that says that I "need" to do this or I "should" do this. My MIL words it differently. If I tell her I'm having trouble with a certain thing with my son, instead of telling me what I should do, she will tell me what worked for her. I guess this to me is less meddlesome.

Sorry for going on like that. I just needed to vent. The last thing I will say is to try and figure out what type of a person she is before you say anything. She might just have a problem with choosing the correct words and it could have come out the wrong way.

By Vicki on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 04:37 pm:

I can see how this situation could be tricky. How long are you planning on living there? Is this just a temporary thing or is it is permanent arrangement? If it is temporary, I think I would bite my tongue and let it go. If this living arrangement is going to be lasting awhile, it might be worth it to get things out in the open now. But, until things are cleared up, I would not allow her to babysit again. I think no matter what, your wishes for the care of your child should be followed. No one had the right to just do what they want when you have left specific instructions for them.

By Newbabysarah on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 05:28 pm:

Well let me just say thanks everyone for the input. It has really helped me to see the bigger picture. No, she is not the type of person who is usually meddlesome and she doesn't normally do this. I just flipped out when I found out that she gave my dd the formula when I told her not to. I think I am going to bite my lip on this one. My fil is extremely generous to let us stay here and I think maybe it's better not to say anything and just not have her babysit anymore. Do you guys agree with that? I really value everyone's input here. Thanks for being such a wonderful source for assurance and guidance. I love it here!

By Tonya on Sunday, February 1, 2004 - 08:20 pm:

I agree with everyone just let this be and let this be a lesson to you and not leave your DD with her anymore that is really the only way to curb it and nicely from now on if the advice comes out tell her thanks but no thanks.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, February 1, 2004 - 08:52 pm:

I think you are wise to bit your lip on this. As you say, your fil is being very generous, and she is his lady, so you don't really want to rock the boat.

What I do when people give me unwanted advice is say something like - Gee, you've given me something to think about, thanks for your input. And, yes, don't ask her to babysit if you can avoid it. That may be hard though, if she and fil are staying home and you and dh want to go out. You may just have to decide whether you want to go out if that means the girlfriend doing the babysitting, and if it does then maybe have to change your dd when you get home so she won't be soaked in the morning.