Okay ladies, I don't post very often, and when I do it's mostly in reasponce to another post well I'm in need of a little help, it could be a vent actualy....

I don't want to come off the wrong way or offend any one in any way either, but things are realy bad for me lately. I have gone just about two years without a pay check, and it is now that it is catching up with me. I will give you a quick back ground....I was working a great job atDrs office (4months prg.) DH was getting ready to open up a small business with his father. DH and I puchase our frist apartment building (this was so I could stay home when baby came). FDH *F* = FOREVER gets into acident and loses his life our life gone...I did not go back to work as the Dr felt I should take it easy due to emotional strain while preg. See we found out that I was preg. two months after my second misscarrage. We had decided we were going to stop trying so hard take a vactation and enjoy our lives and if and when it happens it happens....Well then we found out we were preg. for the third time. We were so happy Beau cried the happiest tears ever seen. I got passed the longest piont ever and to tell one the truth I just knew this was it, we were finally getting the addtion to life we had been wanting...Then he went away...I'm vering off from where I wanted to go with this post so let me regather here. Well I ended up taking FDH place in the partnership of the business with his father. We get along great we have the same aspects and ideas that it takes to run a successfull busines. Business is great we are staying on top of things wonderfully, however we are still not generating enough money to take split paychecks. I had to sell my apartment last year just to make sure I had enough money to pay off DD birth and any other hosptial bills had occured. All normal monthly payments ie: utilities,car payments, insuances....You know normal everyday living.
I have a boyfriend now that has moved in with DD and I, he loves the death out of us. He is a family friend very respectable person. Well he is the sole money maker in the house, and he is more than okay taking care of DD and I finanicaly, but I am having majior issues with it. He wants to put me on his checking account so that I can just use that to payoff bills and not have to have him wright out ever little check I need...Thats the problem is that he is paying everything, I think it is making me feel dependant on him and that totally does not sit right with me. We had a great talk lastnight and he is so understading and knew what I was saying...But heres the thing I think I hurt his feeling, I mean here he is helping provide a loving home for me and DD, loving her and taking care of her as if she were his own and here I am as always pushing him away. He never tries to deny the fact that she has another dad up in heaven, if anything he shows her and tells her often. Now I have contemplated as to weather or not to get a part time job, however I am devoted to making this company work I went into this full boar and I refuse to give up the time that is needed of me at the shop. I love my *job* and I know that this time and engery that is put in every single day is going to be extreamly profitable, someday. I think its just so hard to go to a job everyday and not recieve some sort of pay...Its so hard to look that far down the road! Is there any self employed people out there that can give me some type of encouragement...Well I did turn this into a vent, but I do feel so much better...Thanks if you got down this far.

By Vicki on Friday, January 30, 2004 - 12:22 pm:

BKA, I can't totally understand what your feeling because I have never been in your situation. But honestly, what I am reading....your not totally giving yourself to this man. Do you feel some guilt moving on with your life? You said in your post that you had every intention of being a stay at home mom when you and FDH were expecting. So, you would have been totally dependent on his income to support you right? There is some reason that your not ok with it with your boyfriend. This may be something that is just a matter of time, or it may be something you need to look at and work through. My personal opinion, for what it is worth, is that your not ok with in yourself for some reason moving on. I am not a Dr by any means, but that is what is jumping out at me while reading your post. I feel for you so much that your even going through this. Life is just so unfair sometimes and all we can do is deal with it. It just stinks!! I hope I didn't offend you at all and I hope that you can work through all of this. It sounds like you have a wonderful guy there!!

By Marg on Friday, January 30, 2004 - 01:51 pm:

Wow, he sounds really wonderful!

Maybe you are afraid of letting go of the past (with FDH).

I guess I'm reading on the same lines as Vicki.

It sounds like you may have to reach a point to say to yourself it is ok to move on.

BELIEVE ME, I shouldn't give you any advise because this never happened to me.

HOWEVER, I am a self-employed accountant,I don't do much other than a few taxes, and I have worked since I was 16 (almost 38). Dh does not make very much and this makes me feel bad, sad and angry at myself. Don't ask me why, it just does.

(((BKA))) I know this is truly a difficult thing but let me ask you this, can you see him not being in your life (not talking financially here)?

Also, you are right owning a business takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice, and it will eventually pay off and he probably knows that and sees it. It's a matter of trusting him and yourself with the future.

Good luck

By Bka on Friday, January 30, 2004 - 02:26 pm:

Thank you both for responding to this complicated situation.
There have been other feelings in this as well, and I do know that this is going to take alot of hard work both for the relationship and the business. I dotrust him with my life and trust him comlpetly with my DD, he is a wonderful man. He is a few years younger than me with no children of his *own*, and I know this is a hard thing for him as well.
To respond to Vicki first yes at one piont there was the guilty feelings, but those for the most part are minumized. My in laws had a lot to do with helping through that piont, they helped me to see that I when ready and only I would know need to move on for me and DD. I have a great man by my side every day that is comforting to me when I do *have my days*, which do still happen.
Marg, I can honestly say I don't know where I would be with out him. He was one of the only true friends I had during the greiving process. I know it sounds selfish, but I have never relied on anyone finaically since I was a kid, and yes I guess I would have done the same if I had staied home and FDH was still around, I just think maybe its a diffrent feeling b/c we were married, rather than just living together. But Dan and I are both no where ready for marrage.
I thank both of you very much again. Reading responces and answering questions kinds helps put things into percpective

By Truestori on Friday, January 30, 2004 - 05:04 pm:

You have been through so much and have great support all the way around.

If Dan is willing to take care of you and your daughter, and allow you to stay in the family buisness....I say take him up on the offer!
It takes a wonderful man to step in and help you along. He loves you just the way you are, so be accepting of that. I know it can be hard to let your guard down and allow someone else to take care of you. Especially since you have been independent..Take it slow, and eventually you may be offering him your check~book! LOL

By Bobbie on Friday, January 30, 2004 - 09:53 pm:

Sounds like you have a gem of a man there. I think he is showing a great trust in you and he is just doing what a man does. Dh was raised up that he would provide for his family and that is what he did. My sisters husband had her name put on his checking account before they were married because he hated dealing with all the bills and such. They had an arrangement he brought home the checks and she made sure the bills got paid and that there was food in the house. My sister was going to college though. She had two kids from a previous marriage and was struggling to make ends meet. She would tell him that such and such a bill would be coming due and he would have to write out the checks etc. One day he was just like enough of this and he went down and had her added to his account. She had a hard time "dealing" with this because her ex was very controlling when it came to money she had to be accountable for every penny spent. With BIL she got free reign of the checking account and for a long time it really worried her to the point she would try to not spend his money if at all possible. Because one she felt it was his money and two she was so afraid to truly let herself believe in someone else. She had loved her Ex in spite of all of his short comings and their break up had hit her out of the blue (he was cheating) she was devastated and swore she would never feel that way about anyone again. And for the longest time she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Felt that fate was not on her side and that every man she loved would leave. Which made her afraid to accept his help/money, afraid she would become dependant on him and then he would leave her too. With time she has accepted a lot and has no problem spending "their" money now. But I think she felt a lot like you. This is my child with another man, you shouldn't have to pay to raise this child. I am not your wife, you should not have to pay for my bills. Thing is, BIL moved in with her and her two children. He knew Ex was a dead beat father and that she wasn't getting her child support and that the care for the children would be in his hands if he choose to move in with her and take on the job of raising the children. He moved in with my sister because he was looking for a companion and a partner and to him this meant in every way not just in the good times. So to him turning over his money affairs and taking care of her and the boys was just the next phase in their relationship. It was a commitment from him to her. They lived together for 3 years before they married and they have been married 3 years this coming July. I am running on. I will close this by saying, If Dan wants to help you then let him help you. What you are giving him no money could ever buy. And getting a second job will not solve anything because it would mean no time with him and I know DD goes with you to your current job but she might not be able to go with you to a second job. And I am with Vicki on this, Are you questioning your commitment? Because it is my experience that in most relationships once committed money for the most part becomes "our" money. I am just wondering if you are afraid to give a full commitment also? Afraid to have to depend on him to much? Or are you concerned he might become resentful for supporting you and DD? Kind of like my sister, waiting for the next shoe to drop so to speak? Hon, I would love that man and let him love me back.

By Jtsmom on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 10:33 am:

Hey! I haven't been on in a while, but you have been in my thoughts & prayers. Just stay strong, it sounds like you have a good man that understands how things are.