Marraige in trouble- Can anyone help?
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Marraige in trouble- Can anyone help?
I am not a regular here any longer but I do feel comfortable asking you all for help. My husand of 2 1/2 years has finally confided in me his use of marijuana recreationally. He didn't come to me on his own but I found out his best friend and his wife were apparently using and I asked him about it. He started off telling me it was something they did (he and his friend) before he got serious with me but by the end of a long weekend I found out he has used just this Saturday. I also found out the three of them have done this together and on a regular basis until the last year. This last year we are not as close in proximity so the times are less frequent. My immediate response was to grab all four of out children and leave NOW! Problem.. I have no cash funds available and no where to go. We talked and talked (including monday when we took off of work just to get this straightened out) and he wants us to stay and promises he will NEVER associate with this couple again. His friend has always supplied it and he has only used when offered to him... I guess that means he didn't ask for it. I admitted to bring it home from their house on occasion and hiding it in the garage. I AM OUTRAGED! I have never been associated with anyone who I knew did drugs of any sorts until now. I do not want to think the kids will find out and know not only was their biological (three of the kids' moms) mom a drug addict but their Dad uses too. I will not tolerate him bringing this anywhere NEAR my daughter (birth) either. I just don't know what to do.
He promises to stop all contact with these people and NEVER use again. I don't trust him.. why should I? I just don't know where to go for answers. My husband suggested the pastor at our church but I am about to be installed as an officer and I will do anything to not ruin my reputation as a decent moral person. I can't tell my friends or family so I turn to you all.
THANKS!! PLEASE REPLY!
I think the first step would be drug counseling, if he's really serious about not doing it anymore. I wouldn't throw him out right now, I would give him a chance. It sounds like he wants to work at this....he really needs a chance. It's good the other couple is farther away now. Obviously, if he DOES see the couple again, or does use it again, then he starts losing his chances. I don't know your husband...I don't know if he's prone to this type of behavior or has other bad habits, or if this is a totally out of the blue thing and he's normally a great, responsible guy. You need to weigh all the pros and cons, but if he's willing to get help, help him get help. As far as your pastor and your church, don't you think it's more important to be honest and to love your husband and show your support, rather than hide it all and be DIShonest? Think what your pastor will think of you if he finds out your husband wanted help from him and you purposely refused to let him talk to him and chose to cover it all up.
You're in shock right now, which is understandable. That's why you shouldn't do anything rash like throwing him out or running out with the kids. It doesn't sound like you're in real danger for the moment, so stay put, calm down, and get ready for a long road ahead.
Good luck.
Your pastor is there to offer you support and guidance when you need it. If he is going to sit in judgment of you, perhaps this isn't the best place to find your spiritual guidance from. I think working on your marriage is far more important than the church position.
I can understand you being wary, and I am not condoning his actions, but has he broken promises to you in the past? Does he have a history of not keeping his word? If he is sincerely saying he is sorry and will not do it again, do you have reason to believe he is not being truthful?
Well,
I too am anti~drug but he deserves a chance. I know you must feel hurt and angry about the whole situation. I have found in the years that I have dealt with addicts alot of people tend to choose Marijuana as their drug of choice. Depending on the age of your husband, this was a well accepted practice back in the day. From your post it seems that you were upset about him smoking it but really hurt because he felt he couldn't tell you. He must know your stance on drug use and there has probably been some guilt on his part making it hard to admit it to you. An addict will not quit just because his spouse threatens to leave, divorce etc.. So don't make the mistake of backing him into a corner and making him admit he won't do it again. I'm not sure if he is addicted but if he is and really wants to quit he needs intervention. I don't know what state you live in but there are programs, classes all over that can help. Feel free to email me at Truestori@adelphia.net if you need more info or just to talk.
Thank you all for your guidance so far. I haven't moved far from the computer screen today hoping to hear some well thought out advice. My husband is a wonderful man, thoughtful and kind. He is a good father, hard working, kind man. We have only been married 2 1/2 years but it feels like forever. He is steadily employed (nearly 10 years with this company), pays our bills on time, volunteers at church, coaches, etc. I would NEVER have looked at him and thought anything like this. I guess that is the hard part about drug users........ they don't all look the part.
I do not believe my husband is truly addicted. He tells me there have been times it is months between using. I also know he has not sought the drug out himself. He is 35 years old and has openly admitted to what he used in college.. tried LSD twice and smoked marijuana. Now I deal with a problem he has used marijuana off and on for 18 years. Maybe that is an addict. Thanks for your help.
I agree with Kate.
But there's something else you should think about in addition. Addictive personalities tend to run in families. Family dynamics (his, when he was younger and now) play a part in this. Are there any alcoholics or drug abusers in his family? Another thing I would be concerned about, and look for signs of in the future (I don't know the ages of the other 3 children) is that since their birth mother is an addict as you say, and if he is using, there is the possibility that these kids will be more inclined to experiment or use when they are older (teens, or even before that).
If your DH truly wants to stop and to change, then he will, but I think a drug program and/or counseling is an absolute must. You can also go to ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings for support for YOU to help in dealing with this. I think it's as important for you to learn why he uses as it is for him to learn why, in order for you both to work through this. I don't know if I would even classify him as an addict, but the fact that he is smoking pot is enough of a concern that I'd insist on some type of a program.
He needs to wake up too, and realize that his actions could cost him everything - his home, his job, and most important of all, his family. I'd be willing to bet he's never seriously thought of that; how would he explain being busted and possibly going to jail to his kids?? What kind of example would that be setting for them?
I think your first step is a program, and counseling/therapy for him, and for you both as a couple. If he's seriously going to stop, you both need support, from each other, and elsewhere. You need to openly communicate, and there need to be ground rules concerning this. Once those are established, it will be up to you to decide what the consequences will be, but you have to be prepared to carry through and not just make idle threats. Think seriously about it all before you come to agreements/demands/rules and don't say anything or make any promises you don't intend to keep.
I truly hope he stops and you two can get past this. Four kids is enough of a reason alone to stop using. Good luck. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
I'm sure I'll be jumped on but I'll put in my two cents. For one, it was marijuana -- it could have been worse. If he is not addicted, he can do without it and that's great. It beats the heck out of him going out on you. If he has been good to you, good provider, nice, loving, I say give him a chance. As for your church, I agree with the above, the pastor (?) should not judge you -- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and this does not make you immoral (in fact, I don't know that it makes him that way either, just that he smoked something not good for him). Be grateful you have a loving husband! Many of us do not. I have money to do whatever, but I have no love. I know marijuana isn't a "legal" drug, but again -- my past experience with drugs -- I would not be greatly concerned if he's done it for a long time and that's all there is to his drug doings. IMHO
He might not be addicted. He might just be able to stop right away.
He might not be addicted. He might just be able to stop right away.
Since it's just pot, I wouldn't jump ship just yet. Are you sure it's nothing else? Did he and his ex use together?
Sometimes when people use mild altering things they are self-medicating in a way, filling some chemical need in their brains. Maybe he needs a medical check-up. My brother smokes pot bec it helps control his seizures (in conjunction with the legal medicines).
Ya know, the most disappointing aspect to me is his sneakiness. What a weird feeling it must be for you finding out your husband has this other life you don't know about, that he keeps from you. That's a problem!
The illegality of it all is how I would address it. The ramifications of getting caught are just too big to take the risk. Not that pot is that big of a deal, not that it's not impacting his life in a bad way, not any of that, but that it's illegal and if caught with even the smallest amount, his life changes forever.
Just bec you are married to someone who smokes pot doesn't make you immoral! The pastor has probably heard it all.
I agree on the whole it is just pot issue. That doesn't make it right but I can tell you that pot is not addictive in the same sense that crack or LSD is. I know plenty of people that smoked pot on a daily basis in high school and just out of school and had no problem stopping it cold turkey. It doesn't have with draw symptoms like most mind altering drugs do. I don't think that his quitting is the big issue here though. My issue would be one that he couldn't/didn't say no to these "Friends" and that he hid this from you. These aren't signs of addiction by the way these are signs of a man with issues but not a clear sign of an addict. If he was an addict he would be using several times a day using daily and to the point of selling your stuff and spending his whole check to get a fix. It wouldn't be casual use and there wouldn't be big breaks in it. This shows me that maybe your DH has some messed up priorities. That he isn't able to see the wrong in the use and that he isn't able to feel comfortable saying no to his "friend" or something to this effect. He can loose his job over this, he can loose his drivers license. My concern would be more over what his youth was like and what he deems as acceptable. If he grew up in the home of addicts he might not see his pot smoking as a major issue (but the fact that he is lying about it rules that out he knows it is an issue). I don't know what to tell you other than Pot is not as addictive as they try to say it is. It is a recreational/casual drug. Meaning people can smoke it or not in most cases. So he is more than likely not addicted to pot but using it out of habit with these "friends". This is assuming it is just straight pot not pot laced with something else. I really think you could be facing something far worse than this and that you can get past this if he is really seeing that this is not the way a you want to live and he wants to be with you. Just talk to him and see what he has to say about it that is all you can do.
Again I want to thank all of you for helping me put this issue into perspective. The more my husband and I talk things through the more faith I have in his ability to quit. I know I am driving him crazy with my million + questions but he has been so happy to answer and explain things to me. I hope in twenty years we can say this was actually something that brought us closer rather then pushing us apart.
I agree with the others who said that it's "just pot". I am not a pot user, and neither is my DH, however, I KNOW that my older kids experimented with it in the eighties and nineties, in high school. Eventually, they "grew up", and realized how stupid it was, and just didn't do it anymore. There was no withdrawal, as they were never hooked.
I know that it is illegal, but sometimes I think that our laws are backwards. To me, alcohol is a lot more destructive drug, and it is legal. A HUGE amount of violent crime is committed under the influence of alcohol, along with domestic violence, and highway accidents. Alcohol destroys inhibitions, and can cause reckless behavior. People under the influence of alcohol often drive fast and with no regard for others.
Marijuana, on the other hand, "mellows" people out, so they tend to be more passive. Users usually drive SLOWLY. The only real side-effect is over eating afterward. LOL!
My son-in-law is a police officer, and very ANTI drug, and he and I have this argument all the time. I just think that if alcohol is legalized,pot should be. A lot of law enforcement man-hours are spent in arrests related to pot use.
Also, marijuana is a PLANT, made by God. It has been used for centuries in religious ceremonies, by indigenous peoples, most notably, Native Americans, who lived closely with the Earth, and the Creator. Which would you prefer to ingest into your body, something made by God, or a "rot-gut" substance, made by man? (Now, of course, I'm talking about pure pot, grown for one's own use, and not that which may be cut with other substances).
Canibis has proven to relieve glaucoma, and the grievous symptoms related to chemotherapy, and MS. Perhaps your husband uses it to "unwind" and relieve stress.
The argument, of course, is that it can lead to a craving for stronger, more destructive drugs. However, "social drinking" can lead to full blown alcoholism. The ONLY thing that I would worry about, is if your DH's employer does random drug screenings, he could lose his job.
I KNOW how shocked and outraged you are, but I feel that a big part of it is that it was done behind your back, like he had this other "life" with this couple, that he didn't include you in.
However, it does NOT make him a bad person. You have clearly stated what a good husband, father and provider that he is. DON'T throw that away!!
When I was young, like you, I had the same views that you do. However, as I've aged, I've softened my views a lot, and put into perspective what is really right and wrong. JMHO.
PS The government only legalizes something if there is a PROFIT in it for them. Alcohol and tobacco taxes generate millions, perhaps billions in tax revenues every year. Prohibition, in the 1930's, was repealed when the government realized that it wasn't going to STOP people from consuming alcohol, so they figured that they might as well get a piece of the action.
When the day comes that pot use will generate huge profits in taxes, it will be legalized. Right now, there are a lot of "home growers", so they can't regulate the production.
I agree with the idea that liquor is just as dangerous but it is legal. I asked my husband the other night... what or who would you have called if the cops would have come into his house and arrested you? Would you have admitted to the kids how long you have been doing this and what kind of message would that send them? I am VERY upset because he did this with another couple... couple! I honestly think if it had been just him and his friend (a guy thing) it would not have HURT me as much as knowing this woman (whom I have made friends with because of their friendship) knew something this intimate and personal about my husband that I didn't. The idea that everytime we discussed anything related to drugs (with teenagers the conversation comes up occasionally) she knew my husband lights up with her and her husband. I HATE THAT! To me it is as close to cheating with another woman as I can get without sex being involved. I have asked about that and he adamantly denies anything sexual going on.
THANKS Moms!
Pot doesn't lead to sex. It has no sexual effect to it. Like Hol said it causes the user to be relaxed unlike alcohol which is a stimulant. And I also agree with Hol that if they could regulate it it would be legal. But because anyone can grow it and sell it for profit then there is no way to tax it and thus no profit for the government and it is a crime. If they could figure out how to control the growth and charge for it they would surely legalize it.
And as far as the someone besides you knowing intimate information about your spouse and it feeling like cheating I completely understand. DH had had an issue at work he told his brothers about it but didn't tell me we were at one of the brothers house having a cook out and it came up in conversation. Them not knowing I didn't know and I acted like I had known but I was so hurt by this. DH felt he was saving my feelings by not telling me, assuming I would never find out but he learned a big lesson from this. Because I pretty much gave him an ear full about it later. It hurts when you are in a situation where you should be the one to know and you are an outsider looking in and feeling lied to and it makes you question the depth of your relationship with this person. I know exactly where you are coming from...
I would definitely give your husband the benefit of the doubt, especially if you have a good marriage.
I, like you, automatically thought...sheesh, with another woman. I think that this may be the point that is bothering you moreso than the drug abuse. I know that is the part of it that would upset me the most. And I completely understand.
But I wouldn't let that lead me to do things I would regret. I truly believe your husband is probably able to stop doing this without thinking twice. He may miss the relaxed feeling it gave him, but if he was truly addicted to it, I do believe it would have become something he leaned on more and he would have had to do it more often.
Talk through this. Leave no question unanswered because right now, your heart is demanding answers and he owes them to you. Then, move on and do not allow yourself to drag this up and throw it in his face every time you suspect something else or get into an argument. It would only hurt your relationship and drive you insane.
Trust your husband again, and build on this. But let him know it is something that will not be tolerated.
Just don't let it come between you and your relationship if he stops and doesn't do it again. Your love can get through this and is worth it.
Good luck and many prayers to you!
HEllo anonymous,
I wanted to respond to your dilemma. If your husband was not a good father or husband then I would say maybe you should consider leaving. But If he only does it once ina while I wouldn't jump the gun. I would feel betrayed . You have every right to feel that way.Let me just tell you my situation. My husband smokes pot all the time throughout the day. We are both 26 years old and the parents of two beautiful girls 7 and 3.Usually he's miserable when he's not high. I just gave him an ultimatim.He is a wonderful provider but that's not all it takes for a good marraige. He better stop smoking. I don't smoke that stuff. I'm antidrugs. Everyone knows he's a "pothead" It's embarassing. He ays he's trying to stop but after 7 years he's addicted. He smokes throughout the day. At night he passes out stoned. For the past couple of days he's let up but I know his patterns. I'm so lonely at night because he usually is smoking when I 'm putting the girls to sleep so by the time I come downstairs he cna't keep his eyes open. I don't know if I even like him anymore. I can't stand being around him when he's stoned and I'm ready to call it quits and he's not happy about it. ell anonymous your life could be worse....
HEllo anonymous,
I wanted to respond to your dilemma. If your husband was not a good father or husband then I would say maybe you should consider leaving. But If he only does it once ina while I wouldn't jump the gun. I would feel betrayed . You have every right to feel that way.Let me just tell you my situation. My husband smokes pot all the time throughout the day. We are both 26 years old and the parents of two beautiful girls 7 and 3.Usually he's miserable when he's not high. I just gave him an ultimatim.He is a wonderful provider but that's not all it takes for a good marraige. He better stop smoking. I don't smoke that stuff. I'm antidrugs. Everyone knows he's a "pothead" It's embarassing. He ays he's trying to stop but after 7 years he's addicted. He smokes throughout the day. At night he passes out stoned. For the past couple of days he's let up but I know his patterns. I'm so lonely at night because he usually is smoking when I 'm putting the girls to sleep so by the time I come downstairs he cna't keep his eyes open. I don't know if I even like him anymore. I can't stand being around him when he's stoned and I'm ready to call it quits and he's not happy about it. ell anonymous your life could be worse....
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