I'm posting anon on this even though some of you might figure out who I am.

This morning I was bored and killing time so I was just looking through DH's medical records that he had picked upto give to the hospital where were going. I came upon one entry that was entered while he was away in Japan. It stated that DH went in for a rash on his genitals. The notes wrote...." Last sexual contact was 3-4 weeks ago while in Thailand with a prostitute, protection was used."

WHAT???????????????????????????????????????????

I could just feel my heart breaking in 10,000 pieces. This was 1 1/2 years ago by now and I dont know what to do. Imade him come home from work to talk about it and at first he denied it, then he said he blacked out because he was drinking and doesnt remember. I know hes still lying because if he doesnt remember it would have the time period 3-4 weeks written in his file and nobody would have written that protection was used because he would of had to tell them that. I am so heartbroken.

Our relationship has been absolutely perfect up until now. He cried and apologized and begged for forgiveness but I dont know if I can. How can I ever have a sexual relationship with him and not have the thought of a prostitute in the back of my mind?

Do I let it go and forgive him because its been so long ago? What can I do now, not much.

Please any advice is appreciated.

By Dana on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 12:38 pm:

I know of women who, with lots of counseling, were able to forgive and continue in the marriage. The husband also went along and participated....a big deal, I think. Just going doesn't cut it.

If you both love each other, and you just can not see yourself with another man in your future, then I would fight to stayed married....HAPPILY married. I have seen it before.

I have also seen the opposite.

Many hugs!

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 12:39 pm:

You gotta deal with it, then both of you gotta decide and be honest about where your relationship is now. He has to be honest and you have to be honest and you may need counseling.

It is so easy to say, yeah go ahead and forgive, but guess what, sometimes it still crops up in the back of your mind.

This is easier said than done that's why I'm posting anon. I don't know what I would do.

If it were my position, I would have smacked him with a skillet, then asked questions. Please go and have blood work done

((((Anon))) Just remember I'm thinking and praying for you.

By Tyaustinsma on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 12:39 pm:

wow that is a rough one, not even sure what to say (((HUGS))). If you just found this out just don't do anything until you have really sat down and had time to think clearly, I know it must be very hard, if I myself found that out about dh I would be blown away and want to kill him, I think I would make him talk about it though and find out everything, the fact that he may have got something from this prostitute and not thought of the risk to you is frightning. I am so sorry I wish I had some great advice but I don't

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 12:57 pm:

All I can say is good luck I have BTDT. An it has been more than 5 years since it happened and I am still very insecure about things. I always have to know where he is going and 9/10 times he doesn't go without me or 1 of our children when he does go somewhere. Trust is very hard to get back and he needs to understand that when you ask questions taht I don't know just won't help at all. He has to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything or you will never be OK with anything again.

By Colette on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 01:02 pm:

Good luck. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I would be shocked and hurt and feel sick to my stomach. I think the last anon had some good advice. (((anon)))

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 01:29 pm:

(First Anon here)
hanks for the advice so far. We talked and I told him to go back to work and give me time alone. I really want to forgive him and I want to work this out because he is my life but it hurts because he wont just fully admit it. I have to forgive him knowing he is being fully honest and open about this. We already agreed that we are going to counseling so thats set. In my heart I know he has changed since then and wouldnt do it again but then again, thats what I thought before. I guess only time will tell.
Dana- youre right, I couldnt see myself loving another man, ever!

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 01:58 pm:

i'm also going anon,because btdt.the next question,how do you know that was the only time this happened? since it obviously didn't bother him enough to confess it to you (doing this because he was drunk and not pre-meditated, so he says)i would think he did it simply because he wanted to.if it were truely an "accident",wouldn't he have been so distraut over it that it would have come out before now? my x truely loved me,but he was very caught up in porno and he believed that it was right for him to satisify his "urges" any way that he needed to and it had nothing to do with me or our marriage.he picked up women at bars; sometimes prostitutes;and he went to sex clubs where ANYTHING, short of murder,goes.and,believe it or not,we had a VERY exciting sex life together and for the longest time,i never suspected a thing !!! i'm not saying that your dh has gone this far,and i sure don't mean to make you feel any worse than you are right now,because i know how bad it hurts,but it's something to think about.my prayers and hugs are with you.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 03:01 pm:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... Ijust want to fall off the face of the earth!!! DH just admitted that while he was there he always carried a condom on him. Meaning- it WAS premeditated. What do I do? I hate him so much right now and I wish hed fall off the face of the earth but at the same time I love him. Why does this hurt so bad? Why did my "picture perfect" husband turn into a cheating a**hole???

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 03:24 pm:

2nd ANON here is a suggestion that works for me sit down and write him a letter and ask him every question that is running through your head right now and tell him you want an answer to each ande very quesiton and you want a truthful answer. It will help I promise. Don't let him write you back make him sit down with you and read the letter and then go questionto questionwith his answers face to face. The reason for writing the letter to him is to make sure you don't forget something you want to ask.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 03:32 pm:

I really hate to do this anonymously but... I feel for you soooo much. My husband was unfaithful two weeks after our daughter was born. Like you, I had no clue that he would EVER do that. Not that you were, but just in case, don't blame yourself (we women tend to do this), don't think that ANYTHING you are feeling is weird/wrong/unfair etc. You feel what you feel. My advice is that if you love him and he is willing to work at it too, it is possible to rebuild trust. I still have my moments of insecurity but it will eat you alive if you let it.
Take care of yourself. I will be praying for you.

By Truestori on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 05:09 pm:

Anon,

First let me give you a big e~hug!
This must be so hard to deal with. I can't imagine the sadness you are feeling. Just for safety sake I would go down and get tested for any STD's and H.I.V. I teach to local teens about these virus and your husband has put you at risk! This breaks my heart...Take your time to decide what will work for you and your family.

By Newbabysarah on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 06:05 pm:

Were you married when this happened? I am just wondering because if you were, he should've told you. Finding out this way seems like more of a betrayal because he never said anything. I'm sorry, I probably am not making you feel better. Please feel my hugs (((((anon)))))

I just dont know what to say. My heart is breaking for you.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 06:44 pm:

Thank You All!!!!! I have had recent bloodwork/std and urine tests recently for my annual checkup so there are no worries there. But it always hurts to think "what if?" Please just keep me in your prayers and hope that we make it through this. I would love for nothing but our marriage to work out, if that is what is in gods plan.

By Vicki on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 06:56 pm:

Wow, I have no advice to give as I have no idea how I would react. Please know that your in my thoughts and prayers though. What a terrible way to find out.

By Insaneusmcwife on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 09:12 pm:

I don't have any advice because I don't know what I would do in that situation. And what works for one might not work for another. I agree that counseling is a good place to start. I am so sorry that you had to find out this way. {{{{Hugs}}}

By Melanie on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 09:34 pm:

(((HUGS))) You will certainly be in my prayers.

By Amy~moderator on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 09:48 pm:

I would have died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I definitely agree with counseling. Strong marriages can make it past this type of thing.

By Bobbie on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 10:37 pm:

Sorry what a terrible way to find out. Big hugs to you and your DH. I think that this can be fixed. If you love each other you can fix and over come anything. This is really sad and very painful I am sure. My heart goes out to you. But I truely think you can fix this. One important thing... If you haven't already told anyone, don't. From personal experience you might be able to heal your wounds and move on but others might hold it over his head for ever. Your husband is human, you need to get this all out in the open and see what the facts are and go from there. I have a friend that cheated on her husband. She knew that minute it was the worst thing she ever could have done. She still carries the guilt but they have stuck by each other and become stronger. And she wouldn't ever do it again I know this for a fact, the pain it caused was to great and not worth it. The issues they have now are because of the people that know judging them. I think that there are cheaters and then their are people that make mistakes. (I know this is a big mistake but I think you get my meaning) Just because he did it once doesn't mean he will do it again. Good luck to you both... more HUGS...

By Mommyathome on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 11:43 pm:

((((hugs)))) I would be horrified. No advice, just lots of hugs. I hope things work out in your favor.

By Mrse on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 12:54 am:

My friend had her dd do the same thing, with a friend of hers, and she thought that she would never be able to live with him again, they split breifly, but she realized that he was a good father and husband and provider, and she figured that out weighed what he had done, I belive they went into councelling.They are ok now.
It is painful for you because you just found out. You do not trust him now because you just found out, but for the past 1.5 years you have trusted him, You wanted him to now be honest with you, so now that he has told you he always kept a condom in his pocket on his trips, it is hard to be told the truth, but you did ask him to be honest. If he told the dr, that he wore a condom, that does not mean he was lying about blacking out, he could have woke up and found it, on the floor. If I have any advice it would to be have a good cry, tell him how dissapointed you are, and find out why he felt the need to have that condom in his pocket.Only ask the truth if you can really handle it, the reasons why, he did it, if you want your relationship to work, then you have to work together in thoses area's he felt why he had done it. Drinking is a huge factor, sometimes people think under the influance, that they are invisible, that thier is nothing wrong with it, they are in a haze, untill the next morning, when they think what the heck was I thinking. I would not even start to think about if he had done this other times, give him the benifit of the doubt and just be glad he did use a condom.

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 09:33 am:

Well he did admit that he remembers everything, including his friend coming in reminding him that he was married. I found out a lot of info most I wish I didnt hear but im nosey and need to know. I got my yelling and my crying out last night and when it came down to it I just needed him to hug me and let me cry on his shoulder. Why? I have no idea. I just needed him. Some of you may think im a sucker and some not but because of how great our relationship is (or was before yesterday) I rally believe it was a stupid mistake and I think he regrets it tremendously. After I got all my frustration out last night he told me that if I wanted to ever leave him he wouldnt stop me because he just wants to see me and DD happy, even if its without him. I would always still hold his heart and it would tear him up inside but he knows how bad im hurting right now. If you girls thinkim a fool let me and and if you thinkim doing the right thing let me know that too.
Thanks for all the concern, I couldnt have made it through yesterday without these boards.

By Tyaustinsma on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 09:49 am:

I don't believe there is no right or wrong thing to do in this situation, you have to follow your heart and do what is best for you and your dd. I believe that if your love for each other is strong enough you can make it through anything, it will just take alot of talking, and learning to trust all over again. God luck to you, and no matter what anyone says to you, remember this is your life and only you know what will be best for you.

By Debbie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 09:49 am:

I don't think you are a fool. You are the only one that knows what your dh is really like and what your relationship is like.

My dh cheated on me(before we were married) with his ex-girlfriend. I found out because he decided to come clean. I will say that it broke my heart. Because of how good our relationship was, I was totally taken off guard. What made it worse is that we had been talking about getting married. I could tell though, that he truely regreted that he did it. It took a long time to forgive and forget. I did not trust him for a long time and he had to tolerate my endless questions about where he was and what he was doing. We have been married for almost 7 years now and I don't regret it for a minute. He has been the best husband and father. I never worry now that he will cheat again. I agree with Bobbie that there are cheaters and those that just make mistakes.

Your dh really sounds like he regrets what he did and you both really want your marriage to work. I still think couseling would be a good idea. A good counselor can help you take the steps to move past this and make your marriage stronger.

By Tunnia on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 09:54 am:

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can't imagine what you are going through. I really have no advice, I just wanted to let you know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

By Eve on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 10:19 am:

((Hugs)) I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You sound like you really want to work through this though. Atleast now you know the truth and can deal with it. I'm sure he feels some relief too. That had to be a big secret to carry around. I hope you can work through it, and come out stronger in the end. I'll be thinking about you.

By Dana on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 11:19 am:

No fool to me. Sounds like you are both on the right track. You just don't toss out a relationship in one moment. Hugs and more hugs to you. Together, you can both put this where ever it needs to be and move on, remembering how fragile your relationship is. Keep working on the positive and looking to a happy future. It will probably take lots and lots of time, and your DH is probably going to be wondering why you don't act the same any more (trust is such a huge issue). But, as long as he realizes he needs to earn your trust back, he can make it thru those difficult moments of you wondering if he is being honest.

I think you both can do it.

By Colette on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 11:33 am:

(((anon)))

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 12:07 pm:

I am going ANON cuz I do not want my opinion to disable any friendships I have here. I am mad just reading it!

First of all, it was done. He strayed for a reason. It was not cuz he was drunk. He knew how to find a prostitute. I would have no idea how to find a male prostitute! He brought condoms, he BOUGHT condoms, he used condoms. HE is guilty as hell and he knows it. MAKE HIM SUFFER!!! Maybe he has a drinking problem?

Second, I believe you still have to get HIV testing for several visits, someone please correct me if I am wrong here. I believe testing every six months for a year? IT can sohow up 6 years later? This maybe bad gossip from years ago, but that is what I remember from my dating years.

Third, yes things can get fixed with much counseling. Check out Dr. Phils advice on his website. But, you have to relize that he has/d no respect for your marriage. HE not only betrayed you , he betrayed GOD. This is the part people always forget. You got married for a reason. To have your marriage under GOD, other wise you could just be living together.

I would be so hurt, I am so hurt for you.

If this was me, and someday it might be. I would *drop* it as far as he is concerned. I would start my own savings (your name only) and stash it for you and DD. I would save as much as I could for as long as I could. If you can forgive over time you have a nice nest egg. If you just can't forgive you will have an egg to break open and use. I would screw him like he screwed you. See how forgiving he can be! Don't forget his friend knows and he drinks too, people talk when they drink. So who knows who knows!!! I would follow that trail too.

Be strong in whatever you decide. I think time apart for you to think would be appropriate and well used down the line. Dont make any rash decisions, take your time, it is your life and DD life too. What do you want to teach her?

I know plenty of people who have divorced and plenty who have stayed. I have seen both sides, but every side is different.

By Texannie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 12:24 pm:

I think with any crisis in a marriage, you have to remember your wedding vows..'for better and for worse...' and ask yourself "is this the worse?" That is different for everyone. Only you can decide.

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 02:31 pm:

i am also going anon for same reasons as above.i whole heartedly agree w/last anon.your dh knew EXACTLY what he wanted to do,what he WAS DOING when he was doing it,and he knows EXACTLY what he is doing now !!!he is playing all the right cards in all the right timing and places !!"he won't stop you if you want to take dd and leave him because he just wants you to be happy,and you would always have his heart !!"UGH !!!! where were these thoughts when he was doing wrong? and,as you have already realized,this was no accident because he had PURCHASED the condoms ,so he had every intention to USE them!!!he even remembers his friend trying to remind him of his marriage vows !!if he truely wanted to stop,that was the perfect moment! you need to find a way to open your eyes to the WHOLE SITUATION HERE,AND NOT JUST THE FACT THAT YOU LOVE HIM.do like someone earlier suggested and try to get away from him for a few days so you can decide for your self,without his manipulation or input,what is best for YOU and dd.allow yourself to be honest with yourself about everything concerning you,him and your whole marriage.ask yourself ,is he as good of a man as you have always believed him to be ?or,for what ever reasons that i might have,have i built him up in my mind to be more than he actually is?does he put you and dd first,or is he selfish and does more for himself and you have been so busy 'just being in love with him'(as most of us women do because we tend to love more deeply and more openly than men) that maybe you have over looked certain things.his act of adultry was ABSOLUTELY selfish and he never gave it a second thought about the conciquences he would pay,should he get caught.i think he feels so secure in you,that he knows that he can say and do the "right"things and this will blow over,and possibly once again he's in the clear.i do believe that this can be worked through,but ONLY if you take the blinders off and see that there is more to work through than just this one unfaithful experience.again,if this had been an accident brought on by alcohol and he was very remorseful and had come to you himself,you would still have had to work through it,but at least you would have known that he didn't go out with a plan and a condom ready for some action !! imho i don't believe this was the first time ,nor will it be the last unless you find a way to make him truelly see that you will not live like that.please get councelling,marriage and personel con.for both of you.you sound like a very loving and trusting person,which is good most of the time,but sometimes it can be our worst enemy if we don't use that trust and love with boundaries.i hope i haven't offended anyone,especially you,by what i have said.but i have been exactly where you are at.and i did the things that i have encouraged you to do.i took my blinders off ,saw the problems and situations for what they really were,cried my guts out!!and then i got help thru God and a christian counceling service.it took a while,and it was very painful! but we are happier and more secure than we have ever been.my dh learned why he did the things that he did,and that he had to 'OWN'his share of the problems.and,secondly that he was responsible for his actions,no matter WHY he did them.and that i would not stay with him ,PERIOD,if he continued to do so.i would never want to go thru that again,but i'm glad that i stayed and we worked it out togrther.GOD BLESS YOU BOTH .

By Truestori on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 02:38 pm:

Anon(above, not original poster..ok confusing I know..lol)
Anyway, you are correct in saying that she needs to be re-tested. There is a window period. What that means is you need to be tested atleast twice to prove accurate results. The first time you come in there is still a possiblity that you could carry the virus. So hopefully, in 3 months the person goes back in for retesting and it still proves to be negative. At this point the test proves to be 95% accurate but to be 100% sure you need to re-test at the 6th month interval. These results are accurate as long as you or your spouse hasn't put themself at risk again. In this situation it would be unprotected sex but there are many other ways of transmitting this virus. HTH's...I am off my soapbox now..

By Debbie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 02:42 pm:

Okay, usually I don't get into these "debates", but to one of the above anonymous posters, how can you preach about God in one sentence and then in the next talk about "making him suffer"??

I think it is very easy for us to pass judgement and say what she must do. However, we have no idea what her marriage is like and what her dh is like. Only she knows and only she can make the decision about what is right for her and her family.

I don't understand your reasoning behind posting anonymous on the last few posts. If these are your beliefs and you feel strongly, then why not post who you are??? All you are doing is knocking her dh and bashing her decision without truely knowing all the details of their relationship.

By Truestori on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 02:43 pm:

I am reading the anon. post's above and they do have alot of truth but it has been my personal experience that woman tend to forgive and not forget and this is where the situation could get tricky. I am supportive of whatever anon.#1 chooses because this is her life. I for one wouldn't accept my husband back, and to be more specific I think I would break his f#@#$%# knee caps..but that is me! .Everyone is different and we at Momsview have to be supportive.

By Cat on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 02:51 pm:

I honestly have no idea how I would react in your situation. I don't think you're foolish at all for wanting to make your marriage work, though. Only {you} know what you're willing to do to make it work or not. You need to do what's right for your family. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Big hugs to you and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

By Mommmie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 03:31 pm:

I've never been married so I can't address the infidelity issue, but please call your doc and make sure they did HIV testing the last time you were in. It requires its own informed consent specific for that test. It's not automatically done with all bloodwork.

I may be wrong about this, but it can't hurt to check. Due to who he was with specifically, your HIV risk is higher than if the person had been, say, his secretary.

By Familyman on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 03:46 pm:

He did this when he was deployed yes?
Ok, I'm not defending this, what he did was wrong. But what he did was different than running around having a relationship with someone and still coming home every night to sleep in bed next to you. He didn't cheat on you. He ####ed someone else. There is a difference. In my opinion what he did is significantly more dangerous from a disease standpoint, but less significant from a relationship standpoint. He didn't want a girlfriend. He didn't want somebody to love and hold. He wanted to get laid.
I'm not saying to forgive and forget, that's between you and him. But I am saying to keep it in perspective.

Now go ahead everybody, yell at me all you want, I'm bracing for impact.

By Texannie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 03:54 pm:

Family, I think you've made a very interesting point. I think it also shows how men and women can view sex differently too.

By Kittycat_26 on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:00 pm:

You're way too funny Seth.

But you're right. If the guy was deployed or just away from home for an extended amount of time for any reason, he......took care of business.

Men truthfully are from Mars while Women are really from Venus.

By Vicki on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:07 pm:

Wow, familyman, I don't even know what to say. So what he wanted laid? Lots of people want lots of things and that doesn't make it ok! Perspective??? He slept with someone else. To me, it makes no difference why he did it. NOTHING makes it ok or less of a betrayal.

By Colette on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:14 pm:

Let's not turn this into a bashfest. Anon #1 came here with her heart breaking. Keep that the main point of this thread.

By Moeanne on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:25 pm:

Ditto Vicki. Would it be the same thing if he, to coin a phrase, "####ed" someone different once a month? It's only , right? I mean we can rationalize anything and suddenly it starts to sound reasonable. I'm not trying to add to your pain Anonymous but it sounds to me like that someone thinks you should be LUCKY that she didn't mean anything to him. That doesn't lessen the hurt and pain Anonymous is going through.

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:29 pm:

We could turn the tables and say since he was deployed she could have ****** someone else. Not nice to say, and I know what you mean Seth, but still there is noooooo excuse. They have to deal with this not make excuses for it. What's done is done, they have to decide how they will each deal with it.

By Vicki on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:37 pm:

I have just one more question for you familyman and then I will let this go. After how long of being apart from your spouse is it different? After what day, or week, or month is is just sex and not cheating? I must admit, I am completely blown away by your response and I can't stop thinking about it.

By Familyman on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:39 pm:

When did I say it was ok?
It's wrong any way you slice it. Anon #1 never asked if we thought it was wrong or not.
What I said is that it was different and that difference may be an improtant perspective to keep in mind when moving forward (or ending) this relationship.
Some of you seem to be implying that sleeping with a hooker once is the same as sleeping with one once a month which is that same as sleeping with one daily which is the same and sleeping with your best friend which is the same as sleeping with your sister!
Different stuff, different circumstances, and likely different ways it impacts a relationship.
I'm actually tring to help here, to lend a bit of perspective to the situation that I thought was missing when reading some of the scathing responses above.

By Truestori on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:46 pm:

Seth,
You have a great point, but in my eyes..sex is sex! I don't care if he held the woman or just F@#$%^ her, he still got his groove on... if you will! He made a bad choice! Pardon the pun, but he was thinking with the wrong head!

By Truestori on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 04:59 pm:

Seth,
I just re~read what your first response was and I think if your wife read it she would be upset! THE MAN DID CHEAT ON HER!!!
So basically, if we(meaning man or wife) are gone for a length of time it would be ok to come home and say, Well, honey I F%$#@^& her I didn't make love to her?
I don't think that would go over real well in any household...(the beatings have begun!) LOL

By Yjja123 on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 05:00 pm:

I *Think* the point familyman is trying to make is that in doing this once with a prostitute it was likely more about wanting sex and not about wanting a relationship. The difference being an emotional attachment versus someone to meet a physical desire.
Does that make it right? Of course NOT! But it may possibly make it easier to accept and move on from. It will take a great deal to recover from regardless but I do understand the difference.
I might be able to understand making a huge mistake one night but if it had been a long on going affair it would be even more unforgiveable to me. Why? because an emotional attachment just means more in a relationship.
I am not in Anon's position and the only real thing thing I can offer her is my compassion and sympathy.
Anon--you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 05:04 pm:

Okay to make people understand my situation better I will give more of my personal info. I will still post anon but this will probably give me away.

DH is military who was deployed on a 6 month tour to Okinawa, Japan with a visit to Thailand 3 months into the stay. Im not excusing him but I will say a lot of his past behavior has to do with his military "friends". Everyone knows how untrustworthy military guys (the single ones) and what horn dogs they are. I guess DH decided that he wanted to have his free time over there but took it way above and beyond. He did not buy the condoms, they were military issue (which is being investigated by the base Chaplain right now because thats just plain out wrong). They told the guys to take one whenever they went into town "just in case". Which DH still couldve just thrown it away, I know. (Which is where part of my hurt comes from).And I have to agree with Seth that i'd rather it be that one woman that a girl hes been seeing for a long time. (Then again, i'd rather nothing at all) I talked to another who knows this story (DH told him) and he said that DH stopped when he was interrupted by his friend and when the alcohol wore off all he could do is cry. (Still doesnt okay the fact that he did it, I know) He was scared to tell me because he thought i'd leave him and we were in a sticky part of our relationship and at that point I probably would have.
When he came home from Oki we went through a lot to fix the problems we were left with before he went. After that until I found out I would say I had the most amazing, perfect marriage. There was full trust, honesty (besides that) and we were/are so happy with each other. I can put my hand on the bible and say that my DH has not cheated on me since then. Why?? Because I know him. In Oki we had trust issues with each other and now I see why. We have not had trust problems since. He gave up drinking so thats no problem. I can honestly say that our relationship before this happened was at its strongest point.

I do respect everyones opinions on here but when I asked for advice i'd rather not have my DH bashed and put down. Yes, he messed up BIG TIME but lets not hang him on the cross quite yet. We started counseling today and its only going to look up from here.... I feel it in my heart. One of my closest family friends did the exact same thingto his wife when he was military 50+ years ago and they worked it out and are he happiest couple walking in the path of God. Thats how I want to be. I want to be strong, kick Satan out of my life because he wants to see me divorced and walk in the right path.

Once again, I respect ALL opinions on here but no DH bashing, Please!!!

I also agree with Debbie that if you feel so strong about a subject like this, why post anon?

By Vicki on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 05:16 pm:

Anon~ I really feel bad for the situation you are in. I hope you didn't think I was bashing your dh because I wasn't. I really don't think anyone intended to bash your dh, but allot of people have very strong feelings on this issue. It may have happened to them or they might "think" they would react a certain way. From what I have read, you have made up your mind as to how you feel about this and what your going to do, so maybe asking for advice isn't the best thing at this point. Maybe you should rephrase it and ask for support. I do really hope that things work out the way you want them to and that you can rebuild what you had.

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 05:21 pm:

Anon, I don't think anyone is trying to bash your DH. You asked a question: "Do I let it go and forgive him because its been so long ago?" You have to expect that there will be at least 2 answers for this. Yes or no. If someone says no, and explains why, that is what you were asking for. You weren't just venting you were asking for advice which is what you have been receiving.
If my DH cheated on me, I think that would be the end of the relationship. I couldn't ever trust him again.
What happens the next time your DH is gone? Will you trust him?
As for the last statement you made "I also agree with Debbie that if you feel so strong about a subject like this, why post anon?" Lots of people have issues with this subject and I see it fit to post anon. After all, you are posting anon. Probably for the same reason that others are as well.
((((anon))))

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 05:24 pm:

I'm the anon from just above. Vicki said it much better than me. You seem to not want advice, but support. You have already decided what you are going to do. So that makes the question you asked unimportant. I think everyone is just voicing their opinion in trying to help you with this situation. (you did ask for help) Don't take offense.

By Debbie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 05:26 pm:

Anonymous #1, I am so glad you and dh started counseling. I think the key to all of this is that you both really want your marriage to work. You have a long road ahead of you, but it is possible to establish trust again. Good luck to you, I will be thinking of you and your family.

Familyman, I can see where you are coming from. To be honest I was thinking the same thing. Yes, it is still wrong, yes he did break his marriage vows. But, if my dh were to cheat, I would rather it be in anonymous's situation, then in a long term relationship. Not that I want dh to cheat at all. I definitely see the difference though.

By Newbabysarah on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 05:55 pm:

All these anon posts are making my head spin!!!!!!! I can't figure out why other people besides the first one are posting anonymous.

By Mrse on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 06:14 pm:

To:Anon
I think the anon has been abused in this situation, not by you, but by other posters as it is being used to bash your dh, which is not right, you posted, because you were upset and you wanted a shoulder to cry on. I did the same thing one one of my posts, and it got way out of control just like this thread, I feel for you. I will never post another sensitive issue on here again, I learned my lesson, but at least you did it anon, I am not that smart. Do what you need to do, to keep your family together if that is what you want to do.Even though you were upset with your dh, it hurts when others say bad things that should be done to him, or about him, when none of us know him. Anything like this can happen to any of us on this board, we will all handle it differently, now if a dh was a jerk, and you were on the edge of the relationship when he did something like this, then you would be most likely not to even want to try to fix things up, but when you have a dh, that you love, and you can not wait for him to walk through that door, and he is your life, You are going to work on your marriage, I say stick with it, you will get through it, yah it hurts like hell, but what is life but a learning experience?? Hang in thier, if others want to debate this issue, maybe take it over to the debating board, and let the poor girl work on her marriage, as long as we make a issue out of it, the more confused she is going to be, and then councelling will be harder than ever to get through.

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 06:23 pm:

mrse - THANKS!!!!!!

And for those who havn't noticed, I DID come here for advice,you all gave plenty and now the decision has been made. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers and you all can post away about your "personal" feelings on this subject, thats fine with me. Im just saying dont use my DH as an example. If I wanted a debate, I would have put it in the debate area. All I wanted was advice and now support. And if you dont support me, start your own thread in the debate area about adultery.

THANKS TO ALL WHO SUPPORT!!!!!

By Missy3 on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 07:20 pm:

Anon hugs all around, in whatever you do. Try fixing it first at least you can say you tried.
Take care of the medical testing as well.
Support support support!!!

I am no you nor a Hillary Clinton, but I would pack HIS bags. No one cheats on me and gets to keep me.

Good Luck and more power to you! Let us know how counseling goes.

By Texannie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 07:39 pm:

Anon, I agree that you really need to double check the medical stuff. I admire you for trying to work things out. Take care.

By Yjja123 on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 07:41 pm:

Hugs to you Anon. Prayers are sent your way!

By Dana on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 07:50 pm:

Good for you original anon.

"Thats how I want to be. I want to be strong, kick Satan out of my life because he wants to see me divorced and walk in the right path."

EXACTLY! Those vows we take work in so many directions. You don't just quit.....you work, work, work on it, esp when everything seems to have gone wrong.

By Bobbie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 11:15 pm:

Orig. Anon., I know exactly who you are... And I think you are making the right choice by working through this. Knowing what I know about military life and about the age your DH had to be when this went down. Hun, mistakes happen... And I honestly think from what I have read you post in the past that you have a good head on your shoulders. I honestly with out a doubt in my mind know you can get past this and come out stronger in the end. Just because he did this doesn't make him a cheater. You are both so young. Your relationship at that time had to be in it's early stages (heck it is still in it's early stages ). I know he has hurt you greatly and I am sure he will punish himself for his actions for the rest of his life. But I truly think that it had nothing to do with you. Guys in the age range your DH would have been are still trying to prove they are a mans man. That they have control over their lives not their wives especially when it comes to their single friends. It isn't by any means a justification. But life isn't black and white. I think the fact that he came home to you and, although he didn't admit to doing it, he did everything else right by you says a lot. Like I said before I know you two will make it through this perfectly fine. And I honestly think that your DH is a good man and made a mistake. One he will regret for the rest of his life I am sure. The one thing that I think many people are not getting about this whole thing is that at the age he was when this happened most men are still single.. Once again that doesn't justify it but it does make it a little bit of a different story. He was not an older man with a waiting wife. He was young and dumb and probably at a point in his life where he didn't know his *** from a hole in the ground. And at that time he probably knew he loved you but didn't realize just how deep that love can truly be. People in that age range often have a hard time seeing past themselves and their wants, that very second until it all blows up in his/her face (his friend calling him out on it). DH and I got together young and although we have never been in this situation there were a lot of stupid things we did all because we just didn't think until it was over. The world isn't black and white just remember that always and you can make it through anything.

Oh one last thing. From what I know of your life you should be fine as far as STD's. Just as you stated you have had a full work up recently. And this was 1.5 years ago most STD's would be present at the time of that testing. And unless you were both virgins at the time of marriage that risk was there to begin with. Just like with any of us that had sex prior to marriage.

Big huge warm hugs to you, Hon. It will be okay...

By Bobbie on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 11:30 pm:

And another thing for all the Anon. posters besides the original one.

Per the guidelines of Moms View:
The Anonymous feature is available for use when posting on issues of a personal, sensitive nature ONLY. Misuse of the anonymous feature (i.e., using it for obviously non-personal, non-sensitive issues or to post something negative against another user) will result in immediate deletion of the post. Repeated misuse will result in loss of posting privileges at this board. Although the identity of anonymous posters is not known to the general public, these posts can be traced to identify users in extreme cases by administration. All users should be aware of this when using this feature.


Everyone on this thread that posted Anon and did not have a personal story/confession to make is wrongfully using the anon. feature. That said, if you have something to say you should be woman/man enough to stand behind it or keep your opinion to yourself. Enough said.

By Anonymous on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 01:15 am:

Bobbie- you dont know how good that made me feel. You have just brightened my day. I had DH read it because it all was so true and he said he couldnt have told me any better. Thanks for understanding and not wanting me to fall into that 55% divorce rate that the military has. I am a good person and all I want is the best and i'm glad that you see that even though weve never really written "personal" posts to each other.

By Feona on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 06:39 am:

I am very very concerned you are forgiving him too quick and he will think you are a push over. He will think he can do it again. He will think you will forgive him anything. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I would defintely tell him that if he wants to cheat again he has to tell you.

You can't be dead because you have children to raise.

How did he get a rash on his penis if he had a condom on? What was the rash? Could it be herpes? How many times did he go with a dirty prostitute while married to you? (I don't really want to know, but you should)

Don't be so quick to forgive him. It seems like you are forgiving him too quick. If you forgive him without giving him hell on earth, he might think you are a push over or a rug to wipe his dirty feet on.

He almost left your kids motherless and possibly fatherless. He really needs to understand he almost killed you.

There is many sections in brooklyn were there are tons of kids that have no mother or father due to Aids. It really happens.

By Jtsmom on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 08:15 am:

Anon #1, I think yall are doing the right thing by going to counseling. I don't know what I would do in your situation & I hope I never find out, but I would hope to be as strong as you! I will pray for you and your family. Good luck and hang in there.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 08:43 am:

I agree with:
(1) the posts about all the anonymous posts. Most of the anonymous posters were not protecting their identity because they were posting about their own sensitive situation (as did the first anon), but abused the anonymous privilege (PRIVILEGE) to (a) bash, (b) disagree with other posters.

(2) with the first anon's decision to try to forgive (and forget - that is important), to try to understand how the situation happened, to keep talking with her husband, and to seek joint counseling

(3) with those who posted the continued need for medical testing, for both man and woman, for a least a year - and I would urge the use of condoms for that year.

By Anonymous on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 09:32 am:

Well since its been over 1 1/2 years ive had 2 physicals which means 2 different tests and everything came out fine. Being DH is military he gets them all the time and since he has his medical records I checked and there were either 3 or 4 that I counted since that point. Were clean.

Feona believe me, just because I forgave quickly doesnt mean he went through hell. He told me last night that hes still scared of me leaving. I forgive him but it doesnt mean the hurt and pain are gone and thats what he has to deal with. My random crying episodes during the day, crying myself to sleep, waking up with nightmares and pretty graphic images in my head.


I cant lead him along thinking im going to leave him and making him "suffer" (as one anon posted) if I want to fix this. I have to be up front and honest. Meaning I want to forgive him and carry on with our life but he has to get me through the hurt and pain without getting annoyed that I may not always want to be held, cuddled, kissed etc...

As I always say "Only time can tell" but I want this to work. Granted my DH caused one big mess up in our life besides that he has been nothing but good to me.

By Kaye on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 10:04 am:

Anon, I don't know about military. But I can say that although I go for my yearly doc appointment, I don't believe I have ever been tested for STDs. Especially not aids. It is my understanding that if the records do not specifically say hiv testing, then it has not been done. I would highly, highly recommend you going in for very specific testing. As would I have your dh do so. You are at risk, as is he. Not just for an STD, but the main type of cervical cancer is caused from HPV which is sexually transmitted. Sorry you have to go through this. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I believe in marriage and I know I would try, but you are right only time will tell. But please test your self. He did go to the doc for an STD, that is how this all started, you really need to look into that for your own health!

By Texannie on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 10:16 am:

Kaye, I know my doc does HIV testing with each pregnancy and before surgery. I had a hysterectomy in August and they did one as part of the blood work.
Anon, Kaye is correc that you need to be tested for HPV too.

By Anonymous on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 10:43 am:

To Anon #1~ I thought I would add that I have been in this situation before. ONLY, I was the one that screwed up. I went by myself on a required trip. I wasnt real happy with dh I did not trust him fully at the time (due to some things he had pulled) and I just felt pretty insecure. I went out with the girls literally drinking for hours and laughing having a great time. The next thing I know some guys walk up to our table they sit down with us nd talk for an hour or so. They invited us out in a limo. I am clueless one of the guys is interested in ME~ I think I am ugly fat married mother of 2. I end up by myself with this guy (friends went off with other guys). Things are very blurry from many shots and beers I dont recall how it started, but we did get closer than we should have if you kwim.

The next morning I was DEVASTATED that I would do something like that. I balled on the flight home. And to this day feel sick to my stomach when it creeps back in my head. Literally wanting to vomit. I did NOT have an interest in the guy, I LOVE my dh with all my heart. I am terrified to ever tell him of this event. I think he would leave me. I have NEVER put myself in these circumstances again. I only want to go on trips with my dh and I only want to go out with him on the weekends. I dont even do girls night out anymore. This happened about 2 yrs ago when dh and I were in a lower place in our relationship. Since then we have worked on having a great relationship. I know how your dh feels. Trust me, he LOVES YOU and he regrets with every ounce of his being that he has stained your relationship with this filth. I think Familyman did have a good point. There is a difference in a big mistake and an intentional on going affair. However, neither is excusable.

And yes we have both been tested since this humiliating act of idiocy in my life.

By Insaneusmcwife on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 10:49 am:

My dh is military too and I can tell you they do test them regularly for HIV and all sorts of other things. They are tested atleast every 6 months. I too have looked through dh's medical records and was shocked at how many entry's there were for this testing. I was also shocked to find how many immunizations he has been given. I agree with Anon, it hasn't showed up in her dh's lab reports so she is probably ok.

By Bobbie on Friday, January 23, 2004 - 11:14 pm:

The Original Anon. Knows what she is talking about as far as the testing. She has had a full pap and blood work up done with in the year and her DH is as Kristie said tested every 6 months (which is now manidtory for anyone working in a governement (military, prison gaurds, etc) any position with possible blood exposure by the way).. Because as many of you know HIV is not only passed on by sexual contact.

And Anon. He isn't getting away with anything. I am sure every time he looks at you guilt is running through him like fire. You need to morn and then you need to get back up on your feet and move on with this. I am not saying forget because some where it might always be there. Marriage is so much work and full of so many ups and downs. And it isn't any one elses business what we can and will take in our own personal relationships. I think from what I know from reading your post and once a very long time ago being your age(well maybe not so long ago) The woman you are and the man he is today are so much different then the young woman and young man you were when all this happend. I think what happend has a lot to do with his youth, the presure and the term oil he was seeing in your relationship. Kids getting married have absolutly no clue what they are getting themselves into. They have a Brady bunch fantsy and when that fantsy falls apart they don't know how to fix it or how to accept that things aren't clear cut in life and instead of working through the issues they turn their backs on them. He made a huge mistake. It wasn't yesterday (and yes he should have told you) and he has done everything in his power to be the man you know he is today. Once again It will all be okay and you know the saying what doesn't kills you makes you stronger. I truly think that the two of you can come out at the end of this a much stronger couple. You have all the control over how you deal with this and what you do with this knowlege from here on out. But I think you need to find away to let it go (with time)and I mean let it go (never to be rehashed again). Find a way to heal your heart because I am sure he will punish himself enough for the both of you...

By Juli4 on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 08:50 am:

very true bobbie. I think the worst thing we can do sometomes is tear our husbands down more. I sometimes think they are hrader on themselves than we are. Not to take away the seriousness of the offense because God knows I would go crazy before I would be able to get over it. US women need to be told everything truthfully and honestly and sometimes I mean everything and we need to be heard before the healing starts. One thing my Dh hasn't quite learned. So untill he realizes the extent that it hurt you and until you feel like you are understood true long term healing is almost imposible. I am sure you will get much help in counseling and I am proud that you two are working it out. DIvorce should not be taken lightly especially when kids are involoved, but hten agin we don't live in a perfect world.

By Anonymous on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 11:19 am:

Thanks Bobbie and Juli, i'm glad there are people that dont look at divorce as a solution. Weve had many heart to heart talks but the one last night made me feel much better, not perfect but better. I think were gonna work this out just fine. Thanks for the continued support and for those who have prayed, it means a lot. Were taking it one day at a time and the more we talk the better I start to feel. Now i'm wondering if God did this during the strongest point in our relationship so I would be able to make it through? I'll never know but i'd rather have found out now than when we were having problems before because it would have never given our love a chance to grow into what it has today. And for all those who think i'm wrong for accepting DHs apology, you really have to know him and us to understand (or atleast that what all my friends at home say).

By Juli4 on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 02:47 pm:

ONe thing I would want to be careful of is who of your your family adn firends you share with. Even close friends can "share with other people out of concern" and you don't want his reputation marred anymore than it has to be for the good of the family. I have learned that these awful things that happen can lead to more deeper intimacy that really makes the relationship great. And really you will not FEEL good and better about him all the time and be prepared. I think the rollercoaster of he is so great and wonderful to he is awful and despicable is quite normal and should through talking and learning to communicate and time will lessen adn eventually go away. Good luck

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 06:09 pm:

Julie is right about that. You have to be very careful who you share with. Some people will just be sympathetic and keep confidence. Others will give you advice and be annoyed if you don't take it. Still others will tell "only someone who won't tell anyone else" (yeah - right!).

It sounds to me like you and dh are headed in the right direction and I encourage you to keep on with the counseling. One thing that the counselor may suggest, and I definitely suggest, is that if/when you and dh agree that this event is over and done with and everything that needs to be said has been said - leave it that way. After you've reached that point, don't dredge it up in some later argument. Whatever gets buried needs to stay that way.

I don't think I've said this before - you have my strong sympathy, and respect. I am so very sorry you had to go through this. Whatever your dh's reason/excuse doesn't change that what he did was wrong and stupid and put not only your marriage but also your body at risk. I respect you for wanting to try to work things out, and think your reasons for wanting to do so are valid for you - which is all that counts.

By Bobbie on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 09:05 pm:

I totally agree, I understand you need people to turn to but you need to be so careful about who you tell. They might be all comforting now but later this whole thing can be used against you and or your DH. My friend that cheated on her Dh told a bunch of people and many of those people choose sides and created more problems later down the line. And her MIL (why she told her I will never understand) will make comments in regards to her actions towards other men. Even simply joking is turned into something dirty by this woman. You might be able to heal but others might not understand and bring this up as an issue years from now when you have past buried the issue. People are judgmental and rude by nature. I would hate for this to be a permanent issue in your life. Just watch who you are confiding in. Even the people you trust might be carrying tales behind your back, as sad as that is it happens. This is a senstive issue to so many people and as this thread of post shows many people (until in your shoes) like to rush to judgment as to what they would do and what you should do in this type of situation. But only you can decide where this should go and what you need to do to get through it. Talking to DH just as you are doing is key. I think that if you guys are going to be just fine. And like Ginny said, when you have decided that you are going to let this go you need to let it go for real. Because as we all know we as women have a habit of throwing everything up in the face of our DH's when we get in a mood/fight.. When you are ready to move on then you need to close this chapter in your life and do everything in your power to move past it.

You know the saying, "time heals all wounds"? Don't try to fix this all by tomorrow but don't let it consume you either.

By Bobbie on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 09:38 pm:

And I just had another thought about the forgiving too soon issue, I disagree that she is forgiving to soon. I can tell you from personal experience that if you stay calm it freaks them out worse than it does if you are in their face screaming. And if you stay calm then you are more likely to get your point across because when you are attacking they are on the defense and arguments never solve anything in the first place. Staying calm also helps when you are trying to listen and get all the facts. The more emotionally distraught you are the less you remember from the discussion when it is all over. And calm is the last thing they expect to deal with so when you stay calm you have them off guard. Calm is not giving in it is staying in control over yourself and dealing with the issue head on instead of screaming and carrying on and making rushed decisions with out any thought and that you really don't mean.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 10:04 pm:

I totally agree with Bobbie's last post, from experience. Let me repeat the most important part: Calm is not giving in, it is staying in control over yourself and dealing with the issue.

By Anonymous on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 11:12 pm:

Awwwwww..... thanks guys. Juli, when you wrote about the whole intimacy thing my mind just went, "Wow!" because you read me. You would think that since finding out that I wouldnt want a physical relationship with DH in an intimate way (or atleast I pretty much "knew" that at first) but that is all i've wanted. To be cuddled, hug, kiss and make love. I've felt so awkward about it and didnt want to tell anyone that (even DH) because I didnt want to look like a fool. And the more im getting over the shock that it even happened I feel even more in love (yet I still have my times of hurt and pain).

And Bobbie, I really hope I get the strength to finally "leave it behind" because i'm a good example of a woman who will bring up the past in arguments. Though this may be an easy one to want to forget and not bring up because of the pain that comes with the thought.

Ginny- thanks for your concern too. It does mean a lot.

And ive been living off the quote that DHs grandma tells me...."Today is the first day of the rest of your life!"

By Bobbie on Saturday, January 24, 2004 - 11:58 pm:

Anon, all that tells me is that your DH is a nurturer and you are turning to that side of him to get you through this. You aren't a fool I think this would be one of the typical responses of a woman that truly loves her husband. I don't think that anything you are going through is out of the norm. And I think that sex intimacy is very healing for a person. We need to be nurtured and we need to nurture..

You two have been on my mind a lot and I really think that you can live a long and happy life together. Because you are learning a few very painful life experiences early on and you are facing it and standing up to it together. And I don't think your DH is going to see you as a push over that he can do this too again. I think he is seeing your pain and feeling your depth of love because you didn't kick him out or leave as so many other women would (am sure he has had friends kicked out for less). What he has done is in his face and he is right there trying to make it right. Marraige is about unconditional love and support even when we are at the depths of the worst things we have to go up against in life. You two make it through this the rest of your lives is going to be a cake walk. Big hugs to you both. And DH's grandma is 100% right on... Every moment of every day is the perfect time for a fresh start.