Reading thru the many posts made me feel better about the difference my husband and I have about sex in our marriage. I have been married 11 years to my second husband, both of us are in our 40's. We both were previously married and I can tell you that each marriage also had problems issues concerning sex. My first husband could not, and has not be faithful to anyone he has ever dated and been married to. This ended our marriage. My second husband claims his first wife was having an affair but that he never caught them and she never admitted. However, my second husband did admit that he was unfaithful to his first love and that was why they split and that he was infatuated with a couple different ladies while married the first time. One led to touching and kissing. In our marriage my husband has certainly had his share of infatuations. Due to his career we have relocate several times and everywhere we have lived he has had his eye on someone .....lunches out, hanging out at each other's desks, etc. He claims there has not been sex but I don't know that for sure and just what has happened with these other ladies I don't know. The man loves to look at any trim female under the age of 25. He has admitted being addicted to porn. With kids at home I don't feel porn has a place in the home so I have put my foot down about porn not being in the house. Whether he's still checking out the sites on the computer or not, I don't know. Trust is not real strong. Seemed to me that he was having more sex with the porn mags even before we were ever married and because of this I really didn't see it as a healthy to our marriage. In the beginning I really made an effort but now I just don't care. The topic of sex makes me mad. He says he has no problem pleasing himself and in all of my reading I have learned that 95% of males masturbate even after marriage. I don't know if sex has any meaning to him. It seems he can't get enough. For me it has gotten old and meaningless and I don't feel it's because of my lack of desire. I think it has to do with all the events that surround my husband's desire for sex, other women, his fantasies, etc that have turned me off. I do like sex and when we have sex I wonder why we are not having more. Then I think about all of the things mentioned here and I don't want my husband near. We have talked and nothing changes. With my husband's interest in everyone else and his huge desire for sex itself, I really do wonder if his interest has anything to do with me at all. My husband doesn't seem to have any desire to be charming or seductive towards me. If we do anything, go anywhere it's usually my idea, yet he goes to lunch with other women?? It makes no sense! I told him I feel like an old shoe. Just today as we were starting our day I asked him what his plans for today were. His response was to make love to me for an hour. I was so mad instantly that I have been avoiding him ever since. That's loving? It just made me MAD!! PLEASE, anyone who can give advise or has a similar problem I would really like to hear from you!

By Truestori on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 11:53 am:

It has been my experience that all men have fantasy's and look at other woman. I believe that is truly a natural instinct, if you will..lol

As for him acting on those desires...or anyone for that matter, IT is just wrong!
It is completely unacceptable for him to go to lunch with woman that he has admitted he is attracted too. Why put yourself in a postion where you may cheat on your spouse?? He oviously knows that he doesn't have the strength to say NO so to me he is open game..Meaning his realationship with you is on the back burner while in the presence of another female!

Advice is really hard to give in a situation such as this...but I would say protect your heart because it may get broken. JMHO

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 12:43 pm:

My personal opinion is that marital fidelity does not start nor stop with actual physical relationships. A married man who spends time with other women, taking them to lunch (when not required for business), flirting, and, yes, porn, is being emotionally and mentally unfaithful. It is what my Lutheran high school teachers called "an occasion or opportunity for sin". Or, as Jimmy Carter put it, lusting in his heart.

If it were me, I'd be very unhappy and more than a bit angry, and strongly insisting on marital counseling.

By Colette on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 01:53 pm:

{{{anon}}} This must be hard. Stori and Ginny gave some great advice. Especially about protecting your heart.

By Cat on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 04:11 pm:

{{{{{Anon}}}}} It sounds like he has an addiction to porn. I don't know how willing he'd be to go to counsiling. First he has to admit an addiction. As far as the mastrabation goes, my mom always had a saying. "95% of men mastrabate. The other 5% lie about it." And Ginny's right. If does sound like he's being "mentally" unfaithful. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

By Bobbie on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 10:07 pm:

I agree with everyone else about protecting yourself and about lusting of the heart.

That said. Your DH is more than likely No different with his female friends then he is with you. What happens is that we change and we look for more, we try to find that deeper connection. So what once was exciting (a turn on) becomes hum drum and often annoying. What I am meaning is, to some young girl his stupid comments might be cute but to you they are on the verge of sending you over the edge. He is most likely not only an idiot when it comes to you. And most surely he isn't the knight in shining armor when it comes to them.. You just have the baggage with him that proves he is an idiot that they through casual contact do not see. And another thing I have found is that often girls are turned on by the fact that they can excite a married man. And many often see a married man as safe (not a threat). But no matter how she is seeing him I think your DH is showing signs of mental/emotional issues. Sex and sexuality are very addictive and often cover up for much worse under lying issues. Many people with emotional instability use the rush of sex (often outside of and in spite of marriage) as a rush. And many men are brought up believing that acting on their "feelings" is the manly thing to do. But I digress. I think it is BS that your DH found it necessary to air this bit of dirty laundry with you. It isn't a confession of the soul it is a look and see what I can do type of thing. It is heartless and emotionally abusive. And we aren't talking about him touching himself. We are talking about him opening doors to other women that should never be open and there is no one to blame for this but himself. I would see about going to counseling or maybe a support group for spouses with sex addiction. Because your DH is clearly addicted or at the least full of himself.... Big hugs to you Anon. Sad but true there are a lot of women (and men) in your very shoes right now.

By Anonymous on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 11:46 pm:

Many, many thanks to all your responses. It helps to see things when you're not sitting so close to the fire, so to speak. In my heart I have felt my husband's doings to be wrong but it seems each time I approached my husbnad he would just tell me all men are this way and that there's no problem with his behavior. I did get him to go to counseling over a year ago concerning the porn issues. the counselor told us both that porn had no healthy part in a marriage and then told my husband he needed to think about some one on one therapy. After leaving the session my husband told me he saw nothing wrong in checking out naked pics on the Internet and that he didn't want some shrink probing into his mind and refused to return. We've been married 11 years, together for almost 15. It has been a huge struggle. One that I feel I need to separate myself from and find my own sanity.

By Familyman on Monday, January 12, 2004 - 09:58 am:

Your husband is certainly wrong about one thing, all men aren't this way. Even those of us with a VERY healthy sex drive know what limits are. You don't start doing something wrong at the moment you start.....uh.....'going at it' with someone outside your marriage. You started doing something wrong a long long time before that.

By Newbabysarah on Monday, January 12, 2004 - 12:18 pm:

I absolutely agree with familyman. I am going to be bold and say that my dh has a friend who I find very attractive and I feel that it is not right for me to be around him because I don't even want to think about anyone else other than my dh. My dh has no idea that I feel this way because it would just open an unnecessary can of worms and there's no reason to send him on high alert for no reason. By your husband telling you those things about his past, he is inevitably sending you on high alert and now you are going crazy with this burden of "how stable is my marriage?" (((((((anon)))))))

Your husband is supposed to CARE about your feelings as much as, if not more, than his own. You NEED counseling or at the bare minimum, someone needs to tell him what he is doing to you if he isn't hearing it out of your own mouth.

I hope things change for you.

By Conni on Monday, January 12, 2004 - 01:55 pm:

I totally agree with familyman and newbabysarah!

By Bobbie on Monday, January 12, 2004 - 08:11 pm:

Anon. I think you need to go to therapy with or with out your DH. I think that what he is doing is trying to make you accept his behaviors as the norm and after you hear something for so long you start to accept it (blame yourself) or you just deal with it (pretend it won't happen). I think you need to look into sexual addiction. Go to the local library, run searches on the net educate yourself on the term. I assure you that you will see your Dh's actions all over the pages of those books. His addiction is not your issue it is his. And by educating yourself and getting help for yourself you will in power yourself to deal with his irrational thinking on the subject. I bet his family is sexually disfunction too. Often it is a learned trait, led by example.. Just don't sit back feeling that this is all in your head because it isn't. This isn't right, whether he acts on it or not he is cheating emotionally. He is mistreating you and teaching your children that his actions are proper. I know they aren't seeing him out at lunch with the ladies at work but he sounds like the type that is flirting with the cashier at the gas station in front of them (has no judgement of what is proper behavior). (((((ANON)))))) keep your chin up...

By Missy3 on Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 06:59 am:

check out some Dr. Phil.com advice on this. He really will tell you how it is.

I am sorry you have to go through this again. but, it does sound salvagable. He needs to get his head out of his *** and figure out how selfish he is being. He is not regarding you in any manner he behaves. Start making his lunch-LOL.

Men are just stupid at times.