I am never awake at...
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2004:
I am never awake at...
this time of the night....morning. DH is having alot of problems dealing with the death of his 18 year old DS at this time...its 4 weeks today...or actually yesterday....its just a very hard time for all of us. I am at wits end trying to deal with this
I have been trying to be the strong one...but it just isn't going that way..
I hate to vent here but you guys are always there for support.
I have talked to a support group for DH it starts on Thursday..so hopefully things will improve here.
I just feel so bad for Dave (DH). I don't even know what to say anymore...my heart is broken just by seeing him everyday go thru so much pain.
Life is never easy I guess...and they say "God will only give you what you can handle"
I just hope we can get thru this...
Please keep all of us in your thoughts at this hard time in our life...I am sure all will be ok...I hope
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, I think, that if you just hold him, you will see it on his face when he just needs a hug. He will have to deal with the death of his sister in his own time. Hope things get better for your family, but it will take time, hang in their. I will keep you in my thoughts
You are being very supportive of your dh, and that is great. Finding a support group is a good idea.
I don't know your relationship with your husband's son, but if you cared for him at all, maybe you should not always be the strong one, but maybe mourn a bit with your husband. It might help him to know his grief is shared, and to try to comfort you.
The prayer I suggest is very simple - just - God, please give me strength.
More thoughts and prayers for you. Today is Sunday. I will be sure to say a special prayer for your family at church today.
I think, as mentioned above, just being there to listen or hold on to is all you can do for your husband. Let him know you are praying for him.
I'm sure the support group will really help, as he can share with others who are experiencing this as well (and NOT part of his own family).
((((Kath))))
You're in the same boat as my dh. However, we have both taken your position many times since so many of our relatives have passed away.
((((Kath)))) I wish I could physically be there for you. Then you could just vent out loud at me!
I know it is such a heavy burden but you are doing the right thing ~ just being there for him! He does know that. It's just a horrible thing to deal with. My mom always used to tell me, "I don't know how I would deal with the death of a child."
You are right, God will give you the strength, I know sometimes we wonder how we will get through such times, but God is there.
Remember the Poem, "Footprints in the Sand?"
I often feel, through my life, God has carried me more times than I have walked. Sometimes I wonder how he puts up with me! lol!
I'm praying for all of your family Kath, when you need us email or post!
((( kathy )))
So sorry your are going through this .
I feel for you and your DH.
I lost my brother a while ago and I remember it was devastating.
Especially for my parents. It seemed to help by keeping his memory alive , we would talk about his life..... often.
Time also helped and so did God.
A support group would be great.
It always is a good thing to talk to other people that have been through what you have gone through I think.
Also I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I think the prayer Ginny suggested is good.
Hang in there Kathy .
Oh, Kathy. I'm so sorry you all are going through this. Vent here any time. {{{{{Kathy}}}}}
Kathy . So very sorry for your loss and Dave's. I still recall the state my mom and dad were in when I lost 2 of my brothers . One was 28 and the other 42 .We were all heartbroken and in shock but my parents seemed stunned, lost in denial , their faith shaken and terrible terrible pain written all over their face. It must be excruciating to lose a child.Unimaginable pain . A child you've seen grow up infront of your own eyes , taken away so cruelly by a hand of fate . Dear God, I have a DS now and am able to understand my parents pain much better . Dave must be devastated.Big HUGS for both of you.
I helped to talk about my brothers , with my parents I mean. They seemed to appreciate that. Dad couldn't stop talking about my brothers' younger days and we all just listened.Time helps heal as well and a lot of love and support from loved ones.
Hang in there. You'll be in my prayers .
Kathy, I'm sorry for all your pain. You know, when this happened you had shock to get through, which can numb you, and you had both holidays to get through, and your younger children on school vacation, and probably company coming. So between the shock and the busy, busy season, it's probably just now really affecting everyone. There's nothing else to occupy his mind with now that things have settled down. How are your kids handling it? I hope the support group helps. Just hold him when he cries, and cry along with him.
Kathy, I really can't add anything to what others have already said. I just want you to know that I have been praying for your dh, for you, and for the rest of the family.
You all have been in my thoughts too. I think a support group is good not only because you can talk but you can listen. Often hearing the feelings and stories of others helps to comfort/validate the way you feel. This as with any other loss brings with it anger at yourself and at the person that passed, fear, unanswered questions and depths of pain you wonder how you will survive.. Things like this take time. I agree maybe you need to morn with him and not always try to be the "strong" one. People I know that have went through major loss often feel better if they take control over something (their lives feel out of control/out of their hands). Joining a support group is a good start. And no matter what you will never have the answers that will sooth DH's pain he is just going to have to come to an understanding/ find the peace with in himself. Until then just be open arms and a listening ear.. Continued hugs and prayers....
((((hugs)))))
I once heard that no death can compare to the death of a child.
I wish you and your DH the peace that you need at this time.
Many hugs and prayers coming your way.
Kathy- I am so sorry for your's and Dave's loss. I KNOW firsthand what he is going thru. It will be seven years for DH and me in March, since we lost Dan.
Of course, we were all devastated because his death was sudden, however, I had to be the strong one for everyone else. MY DH, who had always been VERY strong... a career military person, and one who was the take-charge person in other tragedies....just TOTALLY fell apart. My DD, who was with DS when he passed, was understandably, a wreck. And his young widow, who had put him on a plane one week prior to go visit his sister, my DD, was in a state of disbelief and sorrow.It's a time that shakes you to your very core, and TESTS you. I am grateful that I never got angry with God. In fact, my faith got stronger. However, DH, to this day is very angry with God.
It was heartbreaking, in the church, to see my DH, bent over in the pew, clutching Dan's picture. Becky, Dan's wife, leaning on her parents, crying hysterically, and my DD between DH and I, in a state of shock. (Even one of the Air Force honor guard airmen, standing over the casket, broke down, looking at all of us).
I was able to hold up, and make all the nessecary arrangements, and talk to the military officials. My greiving came much LATER, and when I started crying, I didn't think I would stop. My grief also, later, took it's toll on my PHYSICAL health.
There is NOTHING that you can do for Dave, except, hold him, cry with him, but most of all, let him TALK about his beloved DS. He will want to talk.. ALOT. It's like the bereaved parents are afraid if they stop talking about their child, they will lose them forever.He may even get angry, because, at least you feel in CONTROL of something. Grief makes you feel like you have NO control.
Time is the only healer, and sometimes it takes a LONG time. Everyone is different. Don't let anyone make either of you feel guilty, either, because they think that you have grieved "long enough". They "know not what they do".
God bless you, both. (((HUGS))). You are in my prayers.
|
Members
