Venting.......(long and pretty much w/out purpose)
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2004:
Venting.......(long and pretty much w/out purpose)
Just screaming out loud here on the computer since I can't do it in real life.
My mind is spinning with no direction.
Have you ever felt like life is just spinning around you? Your mind is just incapable of holding on to single thoughts?
I'm going nuts!
Typically, I only feel so out of it when I have big things on my mind (health concerns: dr visits, appointments everyday, planning a party or gathering) It makes sense that your mind gets preoccupied during big events or time consuming events. But nothing is going on right now to take my mind away from daily regular thinking.
I have misplaced $150 dollars. And to start with that, I even forgot I had it. It was part of a bill due soon. Then I remembered DH already gave it to me the other day when I was making a list of the money I needed for bills.
Next, I have a reciept I really need. I can find EVERY RECEIPT except the one I need. I have a vague recallection of throwing it away thinking "I don't need this" OF COURSE I NEEDED IT! I *knew* I needed it, but my mind turned off. But all the other receipts from that same day? I kept all of those.
Back to that money. I can recall getting the money. Discussing the upcoming bill. But I have no clue what happened after. Where the heck did I put it? WHEN did we have this conversation? Why did I forget I had the money. I've been thinking about this bill for weeks now.
This morning I walked around for 15 minutes looking for my coffee cup. HOW DO YOU MISPLACE A CUP that you just had? There are only so many places to set it down, esp in a dark house. I finally did find it, right there in front of the coffee pot. I looked at it several times, but thought it was not my cup. Brain, are you there? Do you remember how to work?
And people. I can barely stand having people talk around me. Poor DD. I try so hard to be calm. I try so hard to speak in clear and direct request. I am so tired of asking or telling the same thing more than once. DD is choosing to not listen and it is driving me nuts. She is driving the bird nuts, which drive me nuts. I tell her to not do something. She stops only to do it again. And then she wonders and cries when the bird hisses at her and bites her. I'm ready to get rid of that bird! But she loves that bird more than anything. But I just can't go on like this. It's the bird, its the markers not put away, its the playthings left on the floor, the shoes not put away, the doors left open....and out and out ignoring me!!!! She hears me tell her something and she just goes on doing as she pleases.
My DH, who knows. Sometimes I'm in the mood to be around him, and other times I just want him to sit quietly. He can say something and sometimes I just jump right at him in anger. I tell him I'm feeling a bit frazzled and really just need things to be as unconfrontational as possible, and then he goes and does something that tics me off. Lately, he stays in the kitchen with me while I am cooking. If it were helpful and I wanted him there, fine. But I HATE him (or anyone) in the kitchen while I cook. He tells me "I'm just trying to help." He stirs and gives me directions on how I am not cooking whatever properly. He checks temps and adjusts them to his likings. He comments on how I should or should not be doing something. JUST GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND LET ME FINIISH! You do it, if you have time to stand in here. I tell him nicely, "Please go sit somewhere and do whatever you want while I finish up. I'll call you when I'm done." Doesn't work. "Please, D, it bothers me to have you over my shoulder." He says "I'm just helping you." I say "Thanks, but I don't want help right now. Please leave." He says, "I have people (his customers) over my shoulder all the time at work, and I still get my work done." I precede "PLEASE GO! I want to be alone in here" He stirs some more. "WHY DO YOU INSIST ON BOTHERING ME LIKE THIS! YOU KNOW I HATE YOU BEING IN HERE. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. YOU ARE MAKING IT TEN TIMES WORSE! AND YOU WONDER WHY I JUST WANT TO GO TO BED AND NOT TALK?" This is not the first day we have this conversation. I beg him to understand I need no talking, no company. I tell him, if he TRULY WANTS TO HELP, to go away and let me have peace.
And strangers. I can't even go there. I am ticked at just about everyone.
Okay, I know this is my PMSing. It has been occuring for 5 yrs now. Just as long as having DD. I was 35 years old and NEVER NEVER NEVER had a single PMS feeling. Periods just came and went. I never noticed. Now I go bonkers. I cry, I get depressed and mostly I just get angry. Apparently, I also loose my ability to think clearly and remember things as well. I still try to deny that PMS could cause all this. I still think it is an excuse. Even the idea of suffering with PMS angers me. It just doesn't seem possible to change into someone you are not.
I think my DD is really having a tough time living with my temperment and need for calmness. I have always suffered from cancker sores in my mouth. They are directly linked to stress for me. They last as long as the stress lasts. Poor DD has had a sore for a while now. It should have already gone away by now.
I feel like I'm being a bad mom, but I just can't figure out how else to deal with things. I spend quality time with her. She knows the rules and really is a good girl. But when I have to say the same thing more than 3 times I just loose it. What is a good consequence for not following directions the first time? Esp that bird. I'm ready to get rid it. If it were a toy, I could throw it away. But she has bonded with that bird. I mean deep love and affection. It would crush her to loose the bird. There has got to be something to sink into her head. I've taken away her privleges to play with the bird (Parrot)...but that only distances the bird from her and make bird mean to her. And then she gets mad at bird and blows on it, or moves her hands fast around the bird in frustration...making a vicious cycle. If I raise the bird cage above reaching level, that gives the bird the "superiority" of the family (in bird language) so she has to stay on the table. And what about all those other things not related to the bird. She JUST IGNORES ME until I loose control. This is no way to live.
Much of the problem is my lack of control. I tell my family "this is the time that mommy needs some quiet time. It is really helpful if you follow directions today" or to dh "it's best to give me space right now."
I've written this all out, and still have no answers. I can't wait for next week to end so I can feel normal again.
Now I'm going to get cleaning and organizing. Hoping that new files for 2004 will help me keep my mind.
If your moods are this extreme and it is affecting your family this way, please go see a doctor. I developed an extreme seething anger, that I was able to keep inside, while on Depo. I never linked it to the birth control. I thought I was just overtired. Stopped the depo and I am fine now. Maybe your dr can give you something to help balance out your moods during this time. Do it for yourself and your family.
I have taken Sarafem, which is actually prosac. Due to costs (we have no insurance), I went off them several months ago. They definitely took the edge off of things.
I thought since I started working out each day and trying to do the healthy eating thing it would get better. Honestly, it is so unpredictable. Some months are smooth (not very often,though), others are rotten but not as bad as this month. Last month, for example, I was extreemly affectionect (physically) with my DH. Talk about out of the blue. Mean and nasty is the norm, but last month? No idea what was different. But even so, I was not my "normal" self. Enjoyed it, and so did DH, but not typical for me. LOL.
I've been contemplating going back to the dr. I have switched to a new dr that I really like and is much more affordable than the last two I had. It is just so difficult to accept that something as strong as prozac is what I need to stay on level. Just pride, I guess. It just seems like I should be able to do better than I am.
(((((Dana)))))
Boy, can I relate concerning PMS. I'm PMSing now and was even considering a similar post. LOL! Since going off the BC pill last year I'm feeling better and am able to hold myself together. It's still hard, especially when the kids are acting up. I truly believe they sense the bad vibes and feed off it. I have to make a conscious effort to chill and get down on the floor to play with them. Then we all feel better. My OB/GYN told me that even though I'm feeling better after going off the pill perimenopause can cause the same problems. Oh, I was so happy to hear that! Not.
I remember you posting about this before. I believe you did see your Dr. and started taking, or at least considered a prescription drug - can't remember the name but it's specifically for bad PMS/PPD, right? It has been awhile so I'm foggy on the details. Do I know what I'm talking about?? LOL!
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I get that way now and then and just want to be alone, however, not quite the extreme I don't think, but...maybe I don't see it myself.  As for the Sarafem, if you took this for some time and got off immediately, that can take a toll on you. You need to get off of that type of meds slowly...maybe you did. Sometimes there's just a hormonal imbalance -- no big thing. I bet your new doctor can give you some relief. It's worth it to let a good professional see you. Nothing wrong with you -- things just happen. The world isn't like it used to be either and things are more stressful and harder to deal with and that affects all of us in all parts of our lives. Everyone deals differently. (((((Hugs to you Dana!!!!))))) Call your new doctor...you don't need to say anything to anyone -- just between you and the doctor!
OOps, were were composing at the same time!
Hugs Dana! Try asking your dr for samples. Make sure he knows you do not have insurance.
Sounds like perimenopause to me! Are you 40?
The Dr. Phil show recently did a show on this. His wife Robin detailed what she did to help her out. Flax seed oil was one thing. There is also a list of symptoms on the web site. Check it out!
Oh Dana...Many e~hugs coming in your direction!
It must be that time of year, I just told my girlfriend yesterday that I was going through a midlife crisis! lol
She asked me to explain and I couldn't really find the words. I know the whole spinning out of control thing, and getting mad at myself because I misplaced my keys right after I put them down! It gets frustrating! I am wondering if you qualify for some type of assitance for your medication? You could call some clinics in your area, and express your concerns. The idea of asking for samples sounds like it may work. As for your daughter, just know that it is a stage! I remember crying when my daughter was young thinking I was the worst mom in the world. In my opinion it is harder having one child(which I had for 6 years...) then having two. At least now they keep eachother busy and mom has alittle time to unwind! Maybe lots of playdates could help..that way she is occupied and leaves you be for a few minute intervals..or even better let her go to a friends so you can have time without her or hubby. I know this is the tough one but be nice to your hubby! He sounds like he really is just trying to help. We as humans always take out everything on the person closest to us, be careful not to do this. Are there any holistic meds you could take for the meantime? Someone at Momsview may have a suggestion. Hang in there!! You are not alone.
Thanks for the e-hugs. Can you believe I broke into tears. I definitely am loosing.
Had a huge out of contole bout w/ dh within moments of his waking. I was so angry before we even got into it. Of couse stupid fight. The tiki lights are missing their tops. DH accused a little girl that visited of "doing something" with them. They've been gone for months! So ofcourse I got mad at his accusation. And then while he showered, I went outside, looked around, moved some leaves and found EACH AND EVERY ONE of them. Then I told him such and told him "that is why I disagree with you all the time. I simply do not think the same as you in most cases. And this time, you can see as proof, I was right." Well, that went over well.
After really breaking down, I in tears, told him of my feelings of anger and fear and loss of control. I told him how I live as though we were as poor as dirt.....just as I have always lived, month to month scraping and saving if I spent too much the month prior. Afraid to tell him I needed money for whatever (in todays case, that much needed drs visit). I told him, of all things, I hated to ask for money on pills and a dr visit. I know he thinks of them as "quacks" and pills to just be normal as something I should have more control over without the use of pills.
He listened. I could tell he thought he was married to a lunatic. I told him I knew that he was he was thinking at that moment, and he definitely did not deny it. (He WAS married to a true crazy women for several years...scary crazy. And it always jumps to his mind and he is fearful of ever going thru that again). He wasn't really happy with what I said. I was in tears the entire time. I told him I was not blaming him, and that there was no right or wrong, but my anger was my perception of things. Maybe out of sorts, may be some valid, but still my perception. He still took defense at me thinking he was not a good provider. It did not go well, but at least I told him my feelings.
I have now made an appointment to see the dr. I told him I planned to go back on the perscription of Sarafem. I am also going to get my perscription of antibiotics for this sinus infection that I have had since Thanksgiving. I kept hoping it would just go away on its own.
I know I shouldn't, but I felt incredible guilt as a blank check was written for the dr bill. Why on earth should I feel this guilt? He tells me all the time "it is OUR money", "we are not poor, if you need it, ask." But when you have been poor all your life, and DH lives with a "cash only" system, needing to write a check just seems like breaking the bank to me. And knowing that I lost $150 this month just makes it worse. And of couse, I hate "JUST ASK"ing for money when I need it. It's like having a job that requires you to announce "I'm heading to the bathroom" each time you leave your post. Ever have a job like? It can really grind on your nerves. The budget is a whole other topic. But DH does things the way he does because he owns his business and does not have a weekly regular income. Some weeks we have more than others. He keeps a very tight budget and pretty much all the money is reinvested into the business....leaving me feeling like we are poor. When I see "untouchable money" I don't touch it. And business money, to me, is untoucable.
I am so sorry for going on and on about this. I do feel like an idiot for typing this out for all to see. But I've been holding on to these thoughts for a while now and I guess I just broke the dam.
Thanks again for the hugs. It is nice to know others go thru this too. There is nothing like questioning your sanatiy, ability to cope and ability to be a good parent and wife.
My appt is not until next week! I hope I can hold on that long. Also, I am due for my period by then. I am scheduled for my PAP that was due last Aug. I'll keep the appointment anyway just to check about going back on the Sarafem and taking care of the sinuses.
You girls have been wonderful. I hope my day is less full of tears than it has been. "foolish, foolish, foolish" is my thought just thinking about my tears.
((((Dana)))))
You should read my post on health insurance lol!
It's one of those days isn't it Dana?
I used to work and made very good money, before I lost my job, my dh decided of a career change which pays very little until he gets his degree. I lost my job and took care of my mom until she passed away. He doesn't want me to go back to work and to be honest neither do I. I've worked since I was 16 up until less than two years ago.
But the money is so tight and I feel worthless in not earning any (no critical judgement please, I'm was always used to earning money).
Dana, I do have to tell you this, (I'm an accountant). Your dh is doing a good. Being cautious when you own your own business is a good thing I know the money is unpredictable, but he is trying his best probably to not make any monetary mistakes. Believe me I've seen a lot of everything dealing with taxes over the years.
Like I said Dana, it must be one of those days.
(((Dana)))
I hope things calm down for you a bit.
I've surely BTDT with all those feelings you've described. You're not alone. Hope you feel better soon.
((((Dana))))
I have been where you are at also. I am taking low dose hormone medication and I feel so much better.
It`s like the edge has been taken off.
Do talk to your Dr.
Also when we didn`t have insurance last year
I always asked for samples.
Tell your Dr. you don`t have insurance.
They get alot of samples all the time from drug reps.
I had to try 3 or 4 different things before
I found out what worked for me.
Don`t give up!and hang in there.
Glad you made a Dr. appointment>
Thank you all. It is so nice to act like a fool "in public." And then be told "you're not alone." Thank goodness for the internet. I can't imagine going thru this today without your feedback. You *know* others go thru it, but until you see/hear them say it, you do feel so alone.
In regards to other posts, I watched that Dr Phil show that day, as best I could. DD HATES that show because I try to hear it instead of her. ROFLOL.....yesterday we were at the bookstore, and she saw some "self help" books on a shelf, and with great excitement (AND LOUDLY!) states "HERE MOMMMY! I BET YOU CAN FIND A DR PHIL BOOK IN HERE TO HELP YOU!" I wanted to climb under the shelves, LOL. In all there inocense, they are so sweet!.
Also, yes, I am sure this is partly due to perimenopause. I'm turning 42 in a few weeks. The last three years have been a rolloer coast for two full weeks prior to each period.  Seems like ending your menses is much more traumatic that waiting to start mensus in your teens. But then again, I thought I was incontrol the entire time. I guess I had no clue I was an irretable teen most the time LOL. Hopefully, I will be completely with periods by the time DD starts w/ the hormones. OMG, a house with a menopausel mom and a pubecent daughter....sounds like hell to me LOL. Guess I should be counting my blessing
BTW, I hope no one is counting spelling errors. As first mentioned, my brain has taken a leave of absence.
Dana,
You are so funny!! I hope you feel better soon.
No one is counting them Dana! I was ROFLMAO when I read the part about the coffee cup. I do stuff like that all the time and I also blame it on PMS and KIDS!! The fun starts here at 3:30 when my son comes home from school. My 2 1/2 year old throws a total fit when he does his homework because she thinks once he is home she has to be up his butt for the rest of the day! Today was the day I clean for a lady and her house is such a mess. It took me over 4 hours to clean it today. I am still having this dang sciatic pain in my leg and a$$!! I have to go to my OBGYN on Tuesday to see if its not a female problem of some kind ( like a cyst or even a dropped uterus pressing on my sciatic nerve )I am so sick of running to doctors about this I could scream!!
I am new to this site. Found while researching
Sarafem. I was prescribed this last fall, had it filled but never took once I read it was prozac.
I guess I was afraid of how it would make me feel.
I was told to only take it the week before my period. It seems like everyone else takes daily, thats why it is confusing to me. Sometimes I just get depressed and angry I just say the hell with it I am going to try it. Anyone else here taking it only 7 days/month?
I took it 7 days a month for horrible PMS about 12 or 13 years ago. It helped me a lot. I know many say there is no benefit to taking it 1 week out of the month, but it worked for me, and with no side effects. However, my DD was given that a couple of years ago for PMDD and she took it 2 times and could not sleep at all on it, so she wouldn't take it.
I guess the only way I'll know is to try it.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just grin & bear it. The whole reason I called the dr. was on behalf of my mom & husband. I guess I was worse off than I thought I was. I get afraid because if I am depressed not taking anything, I feel like it may make me worse and then I won't have any control of my actions. Am I just being paranoid? I'm not like that every month.
I take it daily. I have clinical depression. I took Prozac for five years after having a severe depressive episode. As I learned coping strategies, I stopped taking it under my doctor's supervision. After almost ten years, an orthopaedic specialist recommended it to help with fibromyalgia. This doctor believes both Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to be sleep disorders. He sent me to a sleep clinic, and we discovered that brain activity was disturbing my Delta level sleep patterns. The Delta level is when connective tissue is regenerated. Evidently Prozac is helpful in calming that brain activity, and promoting Delta level sleep. After about 34 days, I awoke painless for the first time in years. I feel no side effects. I’m not drowsy or out of touch. I simply sleep better at night, and function painlessly throughout the day. Prozac sure helped me, both now and when I first took it to help with my severe depression.
Thanks for your input. I guess Prozac effects everyone differently. Thats great that it works for you. I guess I can't complain too much as it is only one week out of the month.
That's interesting, Bea. I've just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I'm currently taking Celebrex, but I go back in a few weeks. He may put me on a sleeping pill as well. I'm wondering how that is different from Prozac.....
Just to let you know, I am trying the sarafem and it is working out well. I know they say it takes a while to get in your system but I can feel the difference. I feel "normal" not stressed, etc.
I have no problem sleeping and eating though I find I am not thinking of food as much. Not bad for a PMS week! I feel like all the "crap" that usually is on my mind is gone. There are times I feel slightly anxious but it passes.
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