9 year old DD having problems with her friend at school.What would you do?
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9 year old DD having problems with her friend at school.What would you do?
My dd has been best friends with with a girl named sara since pre-school.
They have been in the same class with each other since pre-school , they are in third grade this year.
also I am really good friends with Sara`s mom
Karen.
O.K. here`s the scoop:
Last year a new girl moved to the area and was put in dd and sara`s class,
and both sara and my dd like this girl
though sara will not let dd play with the "two" of them.
Sara has really backed off from my dd and only will play with this other little girl now.
(I don`t think she likes dd anymore).
She has come over once in awhile though she and dd
usally argue,also dd was invited
to sara`s birthday party last month
and told the other girls there that she didn`t even want to invite my dd and her mom made her do it.
Dd just told me this today.Also at school they always (sara and the new girl)exclude dd
from playing with them.
When dd ask`s to play with them sara say`s something like, oh not today I just want to play
with megan alone today,maybe tomorrow.
Then of course that never happens.
I told dd just to play with other girls
and she started crying and said she wants sara to be her friend still.
also she wants meghan (the new girl) to come over for play dates also and I told her I don`t think that would be a good idea.
So do you think I should tell sara`s mom Karen?
dd is suppose to spend the night there the
end of the month because dh has
a work party.
I think I should ask someone else.
I told dd if she`s being mean to you then you shouldn`t play with her any more,do you think that was wrong for me to say that.
I really feel bad for dd, we talked alot today the dk`s had a snow day.
She cried alot and told me alot that has been going on between her and sara.I am glad she told me , but I am upset now and part of me wants to call Karen then a part of me say`s no.
So what do you think??
TIA , Sue
First of all, I'd make other arrangements for her when you guys go to the party - I'm sure your dd would be fine in the best of cases, but also miserable in the worst of cases.
My youngest is 13, and I've made it a point to NOT become involved in their friendships, unless I saw something brewing that could be harmful, and then I could make sure a separation occurred when necessary. I always felt that if I stepped in at this point to 'fix' things or become too involved, then my kids will never learn how to deal with relationship problems along the way.
I believe we do our children the most good by teaching them the 'tools' of relationships, rather than by talking to someone on their behalf.
It's worked well for me - mine are now 13, 18, and 19. I've had to bite my tongue many times, but they're turning out ok. 
Excellent advice Kay gave. My oldest son will be 18 and I did the same thing Kay did with him and he has grown into a fine young man.
I, too, don't get too involved in the friendship thing with some exceptions. When a mom calls wanting her son to become friends with my son, I sometimes politely discourage it. Sometimes the boy is a known troublemaker. In one case the mom called me twice, once at 7am and once at 10pm and I just thought that would be an indication of things to come that would drive me crazy.
Generally, I tell my 9-year-son that people will go in and out of his social circle his entire life. There are entrances and exits. His world will get bigger and he'll expand his circle and others will drop out of it.
I have had a similar issue but from a different point of view. Kids want to be friends with my son and my son doesn't necessarily like them, usually, but not always. One other kid told me to MAKE my son be friends with him and I told that child I am not going to MAKE my son be friends with anyone. Not at this age.
Moms can organize playmates and playdates up until, I think, 2nd grade, and demand everyone like each other, but past that I think the friendships develop, come and go, on their own.
There is a kid in my son's grade who none of the boys like. He is aggressive and mean. He also has the nicest mom who is recovering from breast cancer. Moms have been trying to "force" friendships between this mean boy and the other boys in the class to help out the cancer-striken mom, but the other boys are so resistant. I think it's making everything much worse.
Good luck! I would certainly make other arrangements for the sleepover, too.
Thanks for the advice Ladies.
I think your DD is old enough to call Sara and ask her if they are friends still and where their relationship stands. If the answer is no, then DD will know for sure and stop the ongoing heartache.
I have 7 YO first grade DD. I would make her call this girl, only because of the long relationship...if it was just a girl from school I would not make her call.
Then you can politely call Karen and tell her what is going on and the the sleepover might not be a good idea. Trust me she knows what is going on too. I am sure they talk too.
Also, when this happens to my DD I always look at how I handle my friendships and make sure I do not talk negative about anyone or make up stories to cover things i.e. lie. and etc....
I have a neighbor lady who calls my DD a brat and a liar to her DD and another neighbor child. Needless to say, my dd does not play with that neighbor girl, cuz we do not talk about people behind their backs. Until an apology is heard, still waiting 1 year later.
I do not have time for fake relationships and definetly want to teach my DD that....
I think at your dd's age it's hard for them to go up to kids in their school and make "new friends".
I would not get involved with these two existing friends but I would try to steer her toward making new friends by either inviting one to the house to play or to the movies, an outing, etc.
Maybe get your dd involved in a class/activity where she can meet other kids with similar interests.
I have also learned through my own jr. high experience and with having kids, that an odd number of kids in a group setting hardly ever works out. Too often there is jealousy and competition.
Your dd will get through this. Keep up her self esteem and confidence and give her ways to meet new kids.
I agree. I think it would be time to redirect her instead of dwelling on the friendship. I had many friends that I loved dearly but as we grew we changed and with time we moved on. I think this is typical. And getting involved would not solve this. DD friend will only resent her for having to be her friend. It is sad to go through (been through with both of my older kids) and even sadder to watch or childrens heart break. But this is truly a life lesson that she has to learn sooner or latter. And to be honest sounds like DD friend wasn't a very good friend to begin with to be treating her like she is. JMHO...
I had a similar situation happen to me when I was in 5th grade(I think) and I don't think having my mother intervene would have really helped. I had been friends with my neighbor who was the same age as me since age 3, but for some reason she decided to hang out with the "popular crowd" and I didn't meet their standards. We still did play together every once in a while if she didn't have anyone else around and I jumped at the chance since I still wanted to be friends with her. But at school she would virtually ignore me-I had some tough times for a while at school, but eventually a new girl moved into our town-and we ended up becoming best friends all the way through high school.
If you think Sara is going to be mean to your daughter, then I would definitely would make other plans for her to spend the night, if you can. What does your daughter want to do? Does she want to go to Sara's house-or does she want to stay somewhere else?
I hope everything works out. My oldest daughter is only 4 and we have already had to deal with some friend issues-I can't imagine what I'm in for once she starts school!
My dd is going through this exact same thing. I just told my daughter, to get involved with other kids, and no matter what mean things the two of them say, that she was to just ignore it. The problem is a circle of 3 , and their is always the odd man out, all the time. It has turned around since, and my dd, is friends with the one girl, and the other friend has moved on, to other people. I have suggested that when my dd goes to the pool etc.. that she should invite her too, as it is not my dd, that is not that fond of this friend it is the one she is hanging out with. My dd has alot of friends now, and alway come across an extra friend that wants to go with them swimming and it is always someone in the group that does not want that person to go. I just say what is it going to hurt you, if they go, ( it is not going to hurt you one bit) and I told dd, that one day the tables could be turned and she could be the odd one out, and she knows how that feels, not to be included. I have always taught my dd's that the person that is sitting off to the side, is more likley to become a friend for life, rather than a passing friend. I was taught this growing up, and I have had 3 friends since grade 3, and they are all still good friends today. I would not tell Karen, anything, it could hurt your relationship, let it go by, you could end up losing a friend, then the next thing you know the girls make up, and you and karen will be on the outs. I am assuming theses arrangements for the sleep over were a while ago, what I would do, in that case, is to say to Karen, I was wondering if sara would still like ( dd) to stay over, as they haven't been really getting along very well. ( do not go into details). Ask her to discuss it with, sara, and say, if sara does not want her to stay over night, not a problem. Let them make the descision. I don't think I would have told your dd, not to play with megan. I would get her to, ask megan, if she and sara would like to come over, your dd, may be giving sara a little bit to much power, once she is continuly being asked if your dd, can play with her, the ball got in her court. The best thing to do, would be for your dd to find one more friend, then sara will want her to come back into the group, then it will be a group of four, which works out much better.
Best advice I can give about talking to your friends about the behavior of their child, towards yours is do not do it!!! I did that once and lost my friend, she made out like I was screaming at her, and carrying on, etc.. and I remmber that day like it was yesterday, I was making kraft dinner, and called her and told her how her daughter was acting , and My friend, stopped talking to me, and refused to take my calls, that was several years ago now, and my friend just passed away last year. If I would have known, all that would have gone on, I would never had said anything, just not worth it.
Thanks for the advice and understanding.
It is so hard.
Today I had to get DD some new glasses and
she told me she didn`t want to go back to school today.
She told me it was because she wanted to ajust to her new glasses, but after some prying it
was really because of Sara.
I thought poor DD.
I just explained to her that sometimes this happens in friendships , and that she is a good friend and fun to be
around and should start having some different
girls over for play dates in her class.
She seemed to like the idea, and named a
couple of other girls in her class
that she would like to have over.
The kids in her class are all very close because this is the 2nd year for all of them to be together.
The teacher taught 2nd grade and then 3rd.
It`s called looping.
Also we have play dates alot because we are in
the country.
I am looking out my window right now and all I see is a crop feild and some trees.No houses.(lots of snow too!LOL)
We are in a pretty rural area.
anyway,thankyou all for listening and the advice and letting me vent.
I don`t think I will say anything to Karen.
I will change the sleepover though.
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