Wedding etiquet question
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2004:
Wedding etiquet question
OK I need advise here, My brother proposed to his girlfriend at Christmas they are getting married on 4/8/2006. So a little over 2 yrs away. They found the chapel and hall they want but they are popular so they have to be deposited soon to hold the date and time.
Here is the issue her dad is going along with the traditional way of things and he is paying for the wedding and chapel, my parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and give her dad $$$ for the hall since all drinks come with the per person payment he is making.
Well my mom is working on #'s for people from our side to give her dad and he is working on his #'s to get the right count to the hall. My family is close to her dad's 2nd ex-wifes family have been for over 20 yrs they are on my moms list well her dad says (even though he is again remarried) that if they are invited he wil lnot pay or attend the wedding.
Do you guys agree with this? I don't I think her dad and his wife need to grow up they have been divorced for over 4 yrs now and they are both remarried. If that family is close to my brothers family (meaning my parents for almost 30 yrs) then there shouldn't be a question. Should there?
I mean hey I would just tell him even if he was my dad that it is wrong and if he chooses to act that childish then it is his decision to nto attend and I would find a way to pay for it myself. It is their wedding not his how can someone be like that. And now my poor mom is so upset because of these things happening that I think she is going to get really hurt it gets put to her that way.
I think I would rather elope that go through that mess.
AHHH wedding troubles! The joys!!!
You IMO are right on. Is the FIL is going to be that petty, maybe BRO should watch what he is getting into. You marry the family ya know. LOL
His guests are his guests and her guests are her guests. The payor does not have any room to say who attends and who does not. IT is not HIS wedding even though he is flipping the bill.
He will get over it and if he doesn't oh well he will be lonely that day.
I went through this issue with my parents (very bad divorce) and it was extremely difficult. They both ended up coming (my dad though never threatened not to pay) but it was touch and go until the last second. Since the friends of your family are not directly related to the wedding party, I think the other dad has a point. Yes, it's childish, but if also is his daughter's wedding. Would you want your ex-boyfriends showing up if you were paying for the wedding? Just MHO
This is going to be the only problem they come across I know it but this is a huge issue and they haven't even been engaged for a month yet.
In my eyes her dad needs to grow up and so does his new wife.
They are doing this for my baby shower too his new wife is not coming cause the ex-DW, ex-MIL and ex-SIL are and when the new DW told me I had to choose I told her fine that she could throw her invite away that it was my day and she would not dictate to me who could or couldn't attend.
Laura I could agree but the ex-family is very close to my parents. My dad stood up in one of their weddings. They have been friends for almost 30 yrs.
Maybe the decision should be left up to your brother and his fiance. It is *their* wedding. Maybe they can discuss it and come to a conclusion that *they* feel is best.
I have to say that I think family is more important than friends. I'm not sure that it would be worth creating horrible memories over inviting/not inviting someone. I'm sure that your family is close to this lady that you will be able to explain the situation and she will understand. Maybe she doesn't even want to come if he will be there anyway.
If she gets invited and the dad doesn't come to the wedding, that will cause feelings and regrets that will last a lifetime. You can never re-do your wedding the "right way"...believe me, if I could I would. This is sort of a BTDT for me, and I would just make sure that both families are there and that the bride and groom are happy.
BTW, why such a long engagement? 2 years sounds like a long time to me.
I can see your point Robin I guess it just irks me that her dads is even acting this way in the first place.
That is what I told her that she needs to talk to my brother and they need to decide that I would listen and give my opinion but it was not just her decision it was his too since he is the other person getting married.
They are waiting the 2 yrs because they are going to get a house this summer and they both have braces right now that won't be off until the end of 2005 they want to give both sets of parents time to save the money they need to may the payements on things.
And like I said I like her but maybe in the next 2.5 yrs he will realize he doesn't want to be with her. It wouldn't hurt my feelings any at all. She is a selfish person and has a very money greedy side that we were not raised with where her dad raised her with money is important and it makes you who you are with what you wear and can buy. We wer raised on K-mart cloths and she was raised on LL Bean and Tommy cloths and would never buy things from K-mart or Wal-mart. My brother is the K-mart and Wal-mart shopper and is trying to change her and thinks he is making it happen but he isn't.
I know this is a petty thing, and I'm likely to get bashed for this, but I'll risk it. You said they were waiting for 2 years to get married because they're getting a house this summer, and want to give the parents time to save, etc.
I've always felt that if a couple can set up housekeeping together, then they should not expect their parents to pay for the whole wedding. I know it's old-fashioned, but I put a lot of stock into old-fashioned values.
I wanted to mention something else, kind of to defend myself I guess LOL...DH was raised on K-mart clothes (if he was lucky) and definitely did not come from any kind of money at all. He had 2 brothers, and an alcoholic dad.
I was raised as an only child, and I always had name brand clothes/shoes/toys/etc.
Looking back now, knowing what I know about the way DH grew up, I guess I had a privelidged (sp) childhood. I didn't realize it so much at the time, but I do now.
Something that we are very careful about is not trying to change each other. The way we were raised made us the people we are today. That's why we fell in love and got married, because we loved the person that each other had become.
I just want to make sure that you don't pre-judge her because she likes/has nice things. She can't help the way she was raised. But, she may be a very good person. Once they are married, they will have to live on their own budget and she may have to change some things. Or, maybe it will be your brother that ends up liking the sheets from Nordstroms better than the sheets from Wal-mart. LOL That's what makes marriage interesting is bringing two people together and watching things work. Opposites attract!! DH and I have been married 6.5 years and we're still going strong!
One more thing ;)
I wasn't taught to be "money greedy". I was taught that family is most important, and that you have to work hard for what you have/get.
Kay, must say I agree with you about the buying the house thing and not helping to cover the wedding. I also think that it is a bit silly to have a big family issue about who should and should not come to the wedding. It is the bride and grooms choice, their wedding. Tonya you are 100% right on. In two years he could have moved on and all of this would be for nothing. 2 years seems like an awful long time for more conflicts to come up. And is this woman a friend of your brothers or is she a friend of your parents?
I can see the dad's point by the way. Although this woman is a friend of your family she is his ex for a reason. But it sounds like a huge party. Maybe they can be sat far apart so contact would be limited. Sounds like your brother and g/f need to talk to both parties and decide what THEY want to do.. It is their choice and those that wish to throw fits will just miss out.
Since we are throwing in other thoughts here. Tonya, All of this is between them not your parents and her parents and surely not about you or your sibs or anyone else for that matter. They are the ones getting married. They are the ones that should have final say who comes or who doesn't. It is no ones business but theirs. Just like what goes on in your home and with Rich is no ones business. You don't want anyone telling you that you have to do things their way or you are wrong. We all make mistakes and IF this is a mistake on your brothers part then let him make it. Support him and complain to Rich or us about what is going on but not to him. I have seen issues like this cause all kinds of family rifts. Not worth a battle or worse loosing contact.
OK I totally agree with it being between my brother and his GF. The people in question are close to my whole family brother included and he will want them there. The GF doesn't have any good friends to talk to and she talkes to me about allot of things so that is why I am sortof involved. I did inform her yesterday when this all started that she could vent to me about it but I was only going to give her my opinion about things and she needs to talk to my brother and they needed to decide what they wanted to do.
I agree why argue about it now but the issue came up because of my shower his now wife is not coming because the ex-DW, ex-MIL and ex-SIL are and when the new DW told me I had to choose I told her fine that she could throw her invite away that it was my day and she would not dictate to me who could or couldn't attend. This is what brought up the wedding people and her dad said if they are planning on inviting them then I won't even help with the deposit let alone the total expense.
Also the plan for them has always been they have to give the parents 2 yrs notice so that money can be saved and they can have the big wedding. Both sets of parents want to pay so the old fashioned stuff is out the window. They have been sharing an apartment for almost 3 yrs now. They are ready for a house. I won't lie I don't believe it the old fashioned way of doing things now days you have to live with someone to know if you can handle being with them all of the time. Also they did offer to help but the parents told them NO.
I will never put myself in the middle my brother knows that. But I will be there for his GF because she needs someone and has hardly no body.
I feel bad for her that her dad is being this way. He is the one saying his way or no way and I agree it is wrong but what can one do. My mom said she will do whatever needs to be done to give my brother his day if it means not inviting those people then she will take their names off the list. But she did say that when it comes up as to why it is my brothers responsibility to explain to them why.
Robin I am sorry I didn't mean it to sound like I was saying people with money were greedy. As I stated they have lived together for over 2 yrs now and she does have to conform to a budget but she isn't very good at it. She still gets her comments in about cheap cloths and stuff of that nature. Like I said I take her the way she is because I love my brother and don't want to fight with him. She is a nice person she just has semi different values than me and the way I was raised.
Tonya...just wanted to say you didn't offend me at all!!  I just wanted to point out that people can and do change. Especially when mom and dads money is no more LOL
Gee, makes me wonder now what my husband and I did right to be married for 22 years (without ever living together first), and yes, I was a virgin when we married. Both our sets of parents were married over 50 years, as are most of our family members. I don't see it as old-fashioned, come to think of it....I see it as making a commitment with both your heart and your mind. I entered into my commitment with a promise of forever and unconditional love and acceptance. What can I say? It's served me and my family very well.
Our wedding, paid for by both sets of parents, was a celebration of that commitment.
Kay I didn't say the way you did it was wrong just that that is my belief. That it is safer to live with someone first to make sure you are a tight match before you commit. I would be scred to move in with someone after marriage if I had never lived with them. What if you didn't like living with this person at all it could get very ugly very fast. Again like I said my opinion.
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