Question for divorced moms
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2004:
Question for divorced moms
When did you finally know enough was enough? I want to go anon for now, but some may know who I am anyway. There isn't any physical abuse and no one is cheating, but we argue all the time, mostly about the kids (or one in particular). We're both off for the next five days and I don't know how we're going to get through them. I think I've had enough. 
((((hugs))))
No advice...just wanted to send you a hug.
I guess I would say dont let this child you argue over be a deciding factor in why you get a divorce. If it is a special needs child~ they can be EXTREMElY stressful for a marriage. Have a heart to heart with dh and explain to him that you need to be a united front for the children. And no matter how hard it is for you, you might have to start agreeing with dh on some issues pertaining to this child. Have you been to family counseling? Is dh wiling to go to counseling and work on these relationships? Would he read a parenting book with you? Or a relationship book with you? How does your dh feel? Is he ready to end the relationship?
My ex and I were both ready to end our relationship when I left with the kids. However, I dont think he 'really' thought I was going to divorce him. He kept calling and visiting and talking to me as if we were going to work things out... I have never had the same issues that I had with him since leaving that relationship. However, after remarrying and having a 'stepfamily' now, there are always other issues we have to learn to work thru. I'll be honest, it was really hard on my kids, but I am glad I am not married to my ex anymore. He was a self serving, inconsiderate, jerk. He was an only child, his mother never married and so he never had a male role model. Frankly, I just lost all respect for him and he showed NO respect to me.
I remember him telling my boys when they were babies NOT to be kissing on their Mama, thats what sissy's do! bla bla bla.... He was an IDIOT. LOL 
I am thankful for my dh now. He was raised alot like I was and so we seem to be so much more compatible in all areas. We are really, really happy as long as his mother and my mother keeps their nose out of our business.
I prayed ALOT at the end of my first marriage. I remember apologizing to God because I couldnt make it work. I pleaded with God to show me what to do or how to make it work. I asked God to change ME so that I could be happy with this man. I just prayed alllll the time begging God to help make it work. The last day I was there was like a whirlwind it all happened so fast. I was laying in bed feeling nauseous and I had not started dinner. DH walked in from work and saw me laying on the bed. He got furious because dinner wasnt cooked, he started throwing things in the kitchen, I got up, stumbled in there to defend myself (lol), and he started throwing things at me and telling me he was so sick of me, he hated me, I was a blankety blank... I calmly said, ' I'm sorry to hear that.' (all of which took place in front of my 4 yr old and 5 yr old) picked up the phone and called my DADDY (lol) I again calmly said 'Dad, I need you to come get me and the boys'. (we only had one vehicle at the time) My Dad never asked me anything~ he said later he could tell in my voice something was seriously wrong. I hung up the phone packed a bag for the kids and I and my Dad was their within 20 minutes. That was it. I only went back to get our things and I never went back after that.
My parents were of course thrilled I had left him, they didnt like him. And then I found out I was pregnant. UGH! Thats why I had been so nauseous. I came to terms with that in my mind and was willing to have this baby by myself and raise it alone~ I miscarried at 11 weeks... Strange how things happen.
Kind of a stupid ending to an 8 yr relationship... (dated for 3 yrs, married almost 5 yrs)
Bottom line is only YOU know when your done. If you dont want to work on this anymore than no one can say anything to change your heart or your mind. Divorce is TOUGH just know that and expect that if thats the path you choose. As for the next five days, I guess you could use this time to talk with dh or you could ignore him and just plan some fun things for you and the kids to go do.
I hate divorce. It affects so many people. I just wish I could shake some of these men silly, because they dont know what they are losing by acting like jerks. My ex has told me several times that he misses having his family. He also told me about 3 mos after I left, 'I didnt realize all that you did all day.' Yea- he was having to wash his own underwear, take care of kids by himself every other weekend, and cook his own meals, etc.etc.etc... sheesh!
My dh and I have had so many heart to hearts about this. We are so firm on not wanting to divorce again that we will overcome anything together to make this 2nd marriage work. I am really lucky to have him.
Sorry this got so long... I think I know who you are and I just want you to know I am thinking of you! I know this is not easy for you.
I am not divorced, but was close to it a few years ago. Luckily, my dh agreed to counseling which made a big difference in our marriage.
We too were always fighting. I got to the point where I hated when he was home. I was so happy when he was woking out of town. I would almost get depressed when it was time for him to come home. I tried several times to talk with him about things, that never seemed to help. It got to the point where we were fighting in front of our two ds's, who were 1 and 3 at the time. I hated myself for this. Finally, one night we were fighting again. My oldest ds started crying and screaming for us to stop. It made me physically ill, to see him like that. I told my dh that night that if he didn't go to counseling with me, I was leaving. Thank god he agreed and things are better.
I hate divorce and never thought it would be an option for me. However, I would have left that night if my dh hadn't agreed to counseling. The effect our relationship was having on our dks was frightening. I was depressed because of our relationship and I cried alot.
I think only you can decide what is enough. I think I know who you are and that counseling is not an option with your dh???? Have you tried couseling for just you. My SIL was thinking about divorce and her dh wouldn't go, so she went alone. It was the best thing she ever did. It really helped her figure out what she needed to do.
Good luck to you. We will be here for you no matter what you decide.
Bottom line is only YOU know when your done. If you dont want to work on this anymore than no one can say anything to change your heart or your mind. Divorce is TOUGH just know that and expect that if that's the path you choose. As for the next five days, I guess you could use this time to talk with dh or you could ignore him and just plan some fun things for you and the kids to go do.
I hate divorce. It affects so many people.
I have BTDT. It's never an easy decision, and not one I would take lightly, as I'm sure you wouldn't.
I think that for me, it was a question of do I want to spend the rest of my life completely miserable with a controlling man who cared nothing about my emotional needs, not to mention the fact that he was unfaithful, and do I want my kids to continue to be raised in a dysfunctional household. The answers for me were NO. I needed to be able to breathe without fear of upsetting the apple cart, if you KWIM. I was tired of walking on eggshells, tired of everything being *my* fault, tired of always being the one to compromise and give up and change and try to come up with ideas of how to make things work. I had totally lost MYSELF and all my confidence and self esteem in the process. And I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that what I had was a healthy marriage, because it was not, and I wanted them to know the difference, and to be able to grow into emotionally healthy young adults, and able to have emotionally healthy relationships of their own.
Only you know when or if it's right for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else tells you, even if they can see things that you aren't seeing or allowing yourself to see. You have to know in your gut that it's time to end things.
Just one word of advice though, if you do decide you've had enough, make sure you are certain it's what you want, and have a plan in place to facilitate leaving/asking him to leave. There's no way to avoid it being traumatic for everyone involved, and it will be moreso, if you leave and come back and leave and come back.........
I really feel for you, it's one of the hardest decisions you ever have to make.
I think I know who you are and I just want to say that I am sorry you are at the point that you are thinking this might be your only option. I know that you and DH have been having issues for a long time and it doesn't sound like things have improved at all. I think that you need to look at the big picture and decide what you want in that picture and then make plans to fix what is wrong and if divorce is the only way you can find peace then that may be what you need to do. I don't know your DH and I don't know how into your marriage he is and if the idea of you leaving him would make him see things in a different light. But I think that maybe you should take the next five days and look at your DH and see if there might be anything left to fight for or if you are the point where you are just going through the motions. If this is the case then you need to make a plan like Karen said. You need to dot all your I's and cross all your T's. And whatever you do no matter what you have to make sure in your heart of hearts that you are done. Because leaving and coming back and then leaving again is very very painful for the children. I have a friend that just left her DH that was the best and only way to deal with him. If she had tried to talk to him about her plans to leave he would have done everything in his power to stop her(very controlling). She told him as she was walking out the door that it was over (trust me it wasn't out of the blue he knew she was at the end of her rope) and that she would not be back. She moved in with her sister for a couple of months and then got her own place. Then I have a friend that talked to her DH and they decided that it was time to just stop hurting each other. He moved to the couch and stayed away from home as much as possible. She moved out with in the month. But the two relationships were very different, different places in their lives and marriages. So only you know how to handle this with your own DH. There is no right way to make the decision and there surely is no right way to break the news that this is the choice you have made. But I can tell you both ladies are glad they did what they did because they were both lost in their marriages and both had started to dislike everything about their spouse's and had lost interest in even trying to fix things. So much pain and hurt under the bridge that there was no going back to being a happy couple... Both are now in better relationships and thank God he gave them the strenght to get out of the bad choices they had made..
Big hugs to you (((((ANON))))), I agree this is one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make and we are here for you.
Thank you all for your responses. They really mean a lot to me. It's amazing how great the support of this site it, and that's been proven over and over in the past couple of weeks. There are lots of things I want to type, but I just don't have the energy right now. It's been a heck of a day. Maybe tomorrow will bring a new light to things.
Conni, believe me, I've prayed a lot in the past several months. Dh doesn't understand that if it weren't for God and my faith I'd have left years ago (he's not a Christian). And yes, I believe you, Debbi and Bobbie know who I am.
All your support means more than I can say.
I also wanted to say that I agree 100% with Conni on the fact that if this is all about the issues with DS but you are still in love with your DH then you should not get a divorce. You need to talk to your DH and you need to get yourself into counseling. Because IF your son is truly high maintenance then no matter what you are going to have issues with raising him with or with out DH. Meaning, removing DH from the situation might not make a difference. The issues might simply transfer from DH to you. High maintenance children although often not their fault have a way of ruining marriages. Because they have a habit of building a wall between the parents. One wants to do things one way and the other wants to do things another and conflicts are a constant and the child seems to run to the parent that is the easiest on them stirring up more conflict. Children with mental health issues often like disruption, conflict and the feeling of knowing that mommy/daddy loves me more than he/she loves daddy/mommy. Personal experience here. My sister has border line personality disorder. She would work my parents against each other. She would cause situations and being a kid myself I saw more of the after effects of it than my parents did. Not saying DS does this BUT my sister would get bored and she would start doing things just to upset one or both of my parents. The other parent would jump to her defense and be like she doesn't understand, can't control herself. We, by this time, would have moved into our room because our parents would now be screaming at each other and my sister would be laughing. She thought it was funny to make people upset. Don't get that wrong often she was the most loving child you could ever meet but when she got in her moods lets just say it would get ugly and fast. She caused a lot of conflicts between my mom and dad early on and then as my baby sister and I got older she got to where she would cause conflicts between our parents and us. One time she picked the lock on the bathroom while my DH was in there. I grabbed her and spun her around and was giving her a piece of my mind. She started screaming and my mom came unglued on me because she could handle me and not my sister. At which time my sister went to her room while I took the brunt of a punishment that should have been hers. I can honestly tell you by the time she was grown everyone in our family did not want her around. Everything with her was a head game and like I said watch out if she was bored or over/under stimulated. She would push buttons you didn't even know you had and this started very very early on. I have memories of her at 4 doing something and me getting the blame for it and her standing across the room smiling at me just out of the view of my mom. I have seen her do the very same thing to my parents. One time for example... My dad asked her to pick up something she had thrown on the floor. She was maybe 9.. She looked him in the face and told him NO. He stood up and she started screaming. He was no where near her. Mom came running in and confronted dad. My sister came skipping into the bedroom and asked me if I wanted to play like the argument that was going on in the living room wasn't happening. And the thing is... My mom and dad never saw what was going on. They were blind to the games she played with them. My baby sister (now 21) and I sat my mom down a couple of months ago and spilt all. My mom couldn't believe the stories we were telling her and by the time we where done she was in tears. She had always thought dad was too hard on her she never took into consideration that my sister was actually instigating any of it. But my sister played a role in ruining my moms first marriage, once that was over she directed all her anger at mom for running dad off as she though was the case in her head and then when she remarried she tried to do the same thing with our step dad and when that didn't work she tried to ruin the relationships between my sister and my mom. I don't really understand why and I honestly don't think she herself knows why but I do know that she was very smart very early and she would do what she had to do to get what she wanted and no one and nothing was off limits.
I know that none of that might be relevant to you but I just want you to make sure that your reasons for leaving are the right reasons. Because one day your son will be grown period. And if you are in love with your husband then you need to find a way to save what marriage you have left and deal with your son as a couple not as two bodies butting heads..... My parents to this day have a lot of regrets over their marriage and over the way they raised my sister. But that all said. Like I said in my other post only you know in your heart of hearts if your marriage is over. There is no consistent fine line in marriage (that last straw) for everyone it is different. And you and you alone have to decide what steps you have to take and when. BIG HUGS, hon I know you have a lot on your plate right now. Search your soul and look deeply into your DH and make sure this is truly what you are needing to do...
Oh, Bobbie, there's no doubt you know who I am. I often think of years from now when the kids are gone and it's just dh and me. I wonder to myself if we'll be happy, just the two of us. The thing is, I don't know that we will. We're more like two people just living together or sharing a home than a happily married couple, and it's been like that for a long time. We don't just fight about the kids. We fight about a LOT of things, it just that most of it is about the kids. We probably would have been headed for divorce 7 years ago (things were awful and we both said hurtfull things), but then my dad got sick and the kids and I had to leave for 3 months, so everything pretty much got swept under the rug. Not resolved, just "forgotten." I wonder what would have happened if my dad hadn't gotten sick. I just know I can't continue like this. Something has to change. We either need to fix things or give it up. I've thought about asking him if he's willing to fix this or does he even want to. I don't want to be a single mom. I do remember someone on here once saying her mom had a saying on her fridge. I think it was Karen or Bubbles. Anyway the saying was "It's better to be alone than be with someone and wish you were" or something like that. There's so much more, but not now. Like I said, one heck of a day. Thanx again.
Man I am going to run this post aren't I. LOL
Anyway, You say,"Dh doesn't understand that if it weren't for God and my faith I'd have left years ago (he's not a Christian)." Hon, God didn't pick him for you, you did. We are human and we do make mistakes. And I think that mistakes happen in marriages too. We do not always marry for the right reasons. And our personal reasons might be right on key but out spouses might not be all that up front. I do not think that a woman that leaves a man that beats her is failing in God's eyes. She is saving her own life and protecting His temple by getting out of a very bad situation. God helps those that help themselves. And he gave you a mind so that you could make choices of your own free will. I do not think that if your DS is suffering at the hands of a bad father (which I don't know if this is the case, I am just saying) that God would not expect or want you to stay in that situation. Just like if a wife found out her husband was molesting her daughter or son. Her first commitment should be to protect her child not to cleave to her husband. That said if DH is not upholding his end of the marriage then why would our God, the loving God that he is, want you to suffer for the rest of your life???? You are human and to err is human as they say. Your commitment to your DH should be an honest one God knows your heart and he knows if you are only going through the motions of marriage. That said WHY would you think that he would want you to stay in a unhappy situation for everyone involved???
Yes I know who you are. Just try to avoid conflict with him doesn't sound like you are up for it. You have a lot of soul searching to do and a plan to set. But don't stay in that marriage because of your vows and do not stay because of the boys for sure. Going through the motions is not fair to any of you and you are short changing you all. You are not the best you can be which means they are not getting the best mom and you are not getting the best life. BIG BIG HUGS and I hope you get a good nights sleep... And that things go easy on you tomorrow. More hugs....
I know who you are as well and know that you are truly hurting and agonizing over this. Other than prayer, prayer, and more prayer to seek God's ultimate decision here (as I know you will), I would strongly suggest counseling as has been mentioned above. Even if your DH won't go, I think you should go alone to get a different perspective, some techniques to try to improve things, or just another party to help you evaluate your situation. While I have never considered divorce I have had some really bad conflicts with the family I came from and found that several sessions with a Christian counselor help immeasurably. It didn't change the person I was having conflicts with, but it helped ME change my response to them.
Many warm (((hugs))) and prayers for you...for clear wisdom and discernment, patience, and God's perfect comfort and peace.
(((Anonymous}}}} Sorry you had such a rough day. Please, try and seek some counseling. It would really help to talk with someone that is not biased and that knows what questions to ask to help you through this. The counselor that my SIL went to specialized in people thinking about/wanting divorces. She really helped her decided what was right for her. When my SIL did decide to leave her dh, this counselor helped her deal with it and the effects it was having on her ds. Now, 3 years later she tells me it was the best thing she ever did.
I agree with Bobbi that going to a counselor can really help how you respond to each other. The counselor that dh and I went to didn't "fix" any of our problems. He just helped us talk to each other in a way that helps us resolve them instead of just going round and round with each other. We still have major differences in opinions about a lot of things, but now we can talk it out and reach compromises that we both can live with. My relationship with dh is definitely not perfect and really not as good as I would like it to be. However, it is something that I can live with now and I am happy with him. The reason why I think counseling would be really good for you is because my dh really didn't "change" a lot of his behavior because of counseling. I think what really changed was how I responded to it. In turn, he changed how he responded to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that we probably would have had the same outcome if dh hadn't gone with me. I do think that you need to have a heart to heart with your dh and see if he really wants to work on things and make the marriage work. I think it is one of the hardest talks to have. No one wants to hear that their partner doesn't want to work things out, even when the relationship is having such problems. Therefore, I think we avoid this discussion when sometimes it is really needed.
Big hugs to you. I hope today is a much better day for you. We are all here for you!!!
Anon - I left my husband after 19 years of marriage and 3 sons. What it was for me was what my dad called playing your ace in the hole. Daddy always told me that was the card you played when you had nothing left to play and it didn't matter how the game came out, just so it ended one way or the other. I told my husband that I felt and believed we could not go on the way things were going, and either he agreed that we go into joint counseling and (having been that route before) faithfully kept all the appointments and participated fully in the counseling for at least six months, or I would leave him. He said he would not go into counseling, and I left him. At first it was to be a "separation". About 9 months after we "separated", we met to talk about whether we could/would get back together.
Here are a couple of things that were said:
I said, I don't want to live with you because I need to, I want to live with you because I love you and you love me. He said, I want you to need me.
He said, if we are to get back together, you have to quit your job. I said - but my job was what paid the mortgage and utilities for the year before we separated, and he said, well, then you have to find a job you don't like as much. I pointed out that he had quit two different full-time, benefit paying jobs because he wanted to be free to be a consultant and work on things that he "liked". He said, that's different - but couldn't tell me how it was different.
I said, we have three sons and when I am working and you are home, it is always my fault if they don't do their homework or chores when you are at home and I'm at work, and that's not fair. He said, you're the mother, it's your job to take care of the children, not mine.
And so on.
For me, it was - if I'm going to feel lonely and unhappy, I'd rather be lonely and unhappy living by myself and being able to make decisions for myself and my children, than living with someone and still being lonely and unhappy and not being able to make my own decisions.
I don't lightly tell anyone to end a marriage, especially when there are children. It was not easy, and there were many 3 o'clock in the morning times when I wished things had been different. It was hard on my children, but as one of my sons pointed out recently - they wouldn't have had much more of a father if we had lived together than they had living apart, and that's the truth. He was no more or less "there" for them when we lived together than after we separated, but physical distance was added to the picture.
I was lucky in many ways. My ex paid child support and "temporary support" (which went on for many years, as we separated in 1976 and didn't get divorced until 1998) quite faithfully. My oldest was 13 and extraordinarily reliable and aware of safety/danger issues and a real rule-follower, so I could safely have the three boys alone in the house after school until I got home from work. My job situation was such that if I got an urgent call from school or a kid was sick, I could take care of family/kid issues without any job problems. Few single parent moms have things that easy.
Do I regret doing what I did? I regret that I had to do what I did. But, as difficult as things were, at least I was able to make decisions and do the things I felt were important to do without having to argue someone else into supporting me in a decision, or trying to make someone else see that when decisions were made they had to take into consideration all the factors, like our children, and not just the wishes of one person. I had "difficult child" problems also sometimes. My youngest - I first took him to a psychiatrist when he was 5 or 6, and I should have persisted with counseling or special help for him and will always regret that I didn't. This is the son who was recently admitted as a suicide risk, for the third time.
Looking back, if I had it all to do over and things were the same, I would do it again.
I think if you are in a relationship where things are better when you don't have to spend time together, the relationship is in serious trouble. If counseling doesn't change that, or if your husband won't seriously and honestly participate in counseling, then you may be in the same position I was in. You are the only person who knows all the ins and outs of your relationship, and the only person who knows what harm or hurt ending the marriage might do to you and/or your children - so you are the only person who can make the decision. It does sound to me like you have given a lot of though and effort and energy into trying to make things work, without success. It does take two to tango or to make a marriage work (or to have a child). If a problem arises and only one person in the relationship is trying to deal with it - like a child who requires a high investment of energy and time and has a lot of problems, and one parent won't deal with the child appropriately or invest the time and energy the child needs, leaving all the burden to the other parent - my feeling is that the person who is not trying to help the situation is not acting like a partner, and is not keeping the contract of "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse". It is not possible to make things different just by wishing they were different. A child is the product of two parents, and if one parent says this child is too much trouble and I can't/won't deal with it, that parent is being unfair to the child and to the other parent.
Because my oldest son was in special ed for many years, at a time when kids in special ed went to private schools, not public school mainstreaming, I saw a lot of situations where one parent could not deal with a special ed child, and the marriage ended because of it. Usually, though not always, it was the father who would not deal with or accept the child's problems or needs. I always felt that was so terribly unfair. What I mean is that if you don't like the color you painted the house, you can repaint it. If you get a dog and decide you are not a dog person or family, you can find a new home for the dog. But a child - a child is forever, and if the child has problems, s/he is still your child and cannot be remade or adopted out. To refuse to deal with the child because s/he isn't the child you wanted is just plain wrong. To refuse to accept that a child has problems and needs to be dealt with in special ways, requires more energy, needs special help, is just plain selfish - and unrealistic and irresponsible. You can't make a child be the child you want just by wishing and by ignoring reality, and to do so is, imo, irresponsible and, again, selfish. I think once you choose to have children, you are "stuck" with the result, whether the child is the child you wished for or not.
I'm rambling, and don't know if this is much help, but this is my reaction to your post.
Well said, Ginny.............
In my case, my X was just great as long as he was the center of attention and everyone did what HE wanted them to do. His favorite *saying* was *It's MY way or the highway*. You can imagine how that made me feel. I already had one Dad, I didn't need another!
Dinner had to be on the table at a certain time. I HATE to cook and I'm not a good one at that, and everything had to be made from scratch, no boxed or prepared foods for him. He wouldn't eat leftovers. At dinner, everyone had to eat everything on their plates, no talking. He wanted to go to bed practically immediately after dinner, and he expected the rest of us to do the same. Never mind there were 4 kids in the house who needed attention, 2 of them adolescents, 2 of them toddlers. Baths, bedtime stories, homework and school problems all had to be addressed, not to mention cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, tidying up. Forget *free* time for me, there was none. And when I tried to discuss anything that had to do with the kids with him, he told me, and I kid you not, these were his exact words, *I don't want to hear about all your problems with the kids. That's trivia and I don't have time for that. You're the mother so you deal with it.* 2 of these kids were his and not mine; all 4 of them were his, period, and my interpretation was that they were just *trivia* to him. Add to this I worked full time too. With 4 kids, I don't think a week passed without a trip to the ped's office. He never took off to take any of them to the doctor or the orthodontist or dentist, or go to school functions.
I used to joke that he *rolled the sidewalks up at sundown*. Jules and Jason weren't allowed phone calls after dinner. If they had bad grades he punished them until the next report card, yet he never took into consideration when they brought home improving grades or progress reports.
He never showed me any affection whatsoever unles he wanted sex, and frankly, it made me feel like a whore, only not getting paid.
He used to stop on the way home from work and buy 2 large cans of beer and drink them on the way home. Then, after a while, he starting drinking scotch when he got home. I tried to talk to him about it because it worried me a LOT, and his response was *I drink because I have to, to face coming home. I have nothing to come home to.* Slap in the face, for sure!
He was rude to my friends, except for Pam and her X, for some reason he liked them, thank God for that. But he didn't want me to have any other friends and actively tried to discourage it.
When problems started to present with Jules and Jason, I didn't have the knowledge or tools to deal with them. I *knew* that drugs were involved; he was in denial. I found a Tough Love chapter locally and suggested we join the group. He went exactly twice. He told me *our kids aren't that bad, we don't belong there, and I'm not going to air my dirty laundry in front of a group of strangers*. I told him THOSE kids' problems didn't start out that bad, that you have to deal with the small issues BEFORE they become larger ones. He refused to go back. I went a few times by myself without him, but without his support, it just would not work.
Everytime I'd try to talk to him about our relationship problems, he'd tell me *I'm too old to change, you will have to come up with a solution*. And I thought it was all MY fault!! He refused to go to counseling with me, same story about the dirty laundry.
I was basically a slave, to my job, to the house, to him, and raising 4 kids on my own, 2 had medical problems, 2 were getting out of control, I had no clue what to do or how to handle it, and there he was, giving orders like he was our dictator.
THEN came the *chatter* about his extra-marital flings. And of course, this time *I* was the one in denial. I told everyone that it was impossible, they were friends of mine.
And actually, the beginning of the end of our marriage was when I became pregnant with Jen. *He* didn't want another child and wanted me to *do something* about this one. He told me *how would you feel if you were 36 y/o and someone told you that you were going to become a parent for the 4th time*. Well, HELLO! I didn't get pregnant all by myself.
And the thing I just could NEVER understand was, before we had kids, he was this totally different man, fun, thoughtful, the *fun* weekend dad to Jules and Jason. So looking back, I know that it was only because all the time and attention went to him. Once there was a real family situation to deal with, he couldn't handle that.
My point in telling you all of this is that every situation is different. For me, it was just that I'd had enough. I was depressed, lonely, nervous all the time, the kids were nervous all the time because of his reactions to everything, and I just could not see spending the rest of my life living that way. He was emotionally unavailable to all of us. Nothing was ever *his* fault, and he refused to take part in our family. He once told me that he made a choice, he could be a good husband, good father or good wage-earner, and he chose the wage-earner, so therefore, he couldn't be either of the other two. Now I know that he had, and still has, serious issues. And I wasn't *young* when we married, I was 26 and thought I knew what I was doing. It wasn't until years later that I realized that since *I* myself hadn't had a healthy role model for a marriage, I'd chosen the worst type of man I could have. And that's one thing I wanted my kids to know the difference about, and that's one reason I've always been totally open when talking to them about relationships, sex, etc. I want them to know they have choices.
I went through some really tough times after we split and a lot of guilt for putting my kids through that. But I know I made the right choice, and it took a few years, but I *found* myself again, and I vowed then and there, I would never again let anyone control me or make me feel that way again, and I've stuck to it.
So, to reitterate what was said above, only YOU know when or if separation/divorce is the right thing for you. Every situation is different. If you have something that's worth fighting for, that can be worked out, then by all means, I would say do it. If the cons far outweigh the pros of the relationship, do something to better your life and your kids' lives.
Thank you all for sharing your reasons and stories with me. Dh has been in a very good mood the past couple of days. I've decided that almost 12 years of marriage is too much to not give up without a fight. I'm going to try and talk to him this weekend and see what we can come up with. Things can't continue the way they are, although today has been good and you wouldn't even think anything was wrong. If he were not in a good mood things would be different. When he's grouchy, he seems to suck the life out of the whole house. Thanx again.
You have so many prayers coming from me that he will wake up. I know that this all has been so hard on you. I just hope he can see that things can change and you two can find a way to make those changes together. I have seen amazing things happen in the lives of people around me so I know anything is possible if someone is willing to put one foot infront of another.
All that said, Do not settle for being unhappy. I really think that talking to someone might help you learn a few things about yourself and ways to take care of yourself inspite of what is going on in your marriage. And even if DH is not willing to air his dirty laundry (like Karen's DH) maybe you improving yourself would trickle down on to him..
BIG BIG HUGS to you Hon. Hope the talk goes well...
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