Husband freaked out
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2004:
Husband freaked out
oops
He threw a cookbook at you and hit you on the head with a metal object? He broke a door down.
The cookbook could have hit your eye and you might have lost an eye.
What if you were behind the door when it broke down. It might have killed you.
Easy for me to say what I would do, but I am not in your situation. I would call the police and have everything documented on what he did. I think he would be arrested and put in jail. I also would get an order of protection against him so he could come near my house again.
Did something happen earlier this week or in the day? Is he on any type of medications for anything?
Once again, we never know what is going on in a person's head until we have walked in their shoes. I am not agreeing with anyone's actions. But maybe something else set him off.
Last night I was crying because I missed my mom. I don't know what set it off but I wasn't sad on Christmas day. I think it was just a build up
Doesn't matter if he was sad. He assaulted you. You have marks on your body from the assault.
I would avoid him also.Though,the both of
You have to talk at some point.
I was going to ask the same as Marge,if your DH is on some kind of medication.
Is he under some kind of stress that you know of???
If you don`t feel safe,is there any place you can go? Maybe a friends house?
If this is completely off the wall with him, I would think something happened to him...either explainable or something in his neurological or chemical make up.
Time for a sit down face-to-face talk. He really needs to take a look at what happened. and then do something about it. See a dr or discuss what may be bothering him. His actions were certainly irrational and something to be concerned about. And he needs to see how odd his behavior was.
Good luck to you both.
Feona, are you actually saying if your husband did this completely out of the blue, you would have had your husband arrested last night? Just curious. My husband has never hit or threw anything at me. I don't know her full situation so I don't know what I would do.
I would not have my dh arrested. If he has no prior history of abuse. I would demand to know why he acted the way he did. Is he on new meds? Is he someone who would use street drugs behind your back? Is he under increased stress? I would try to get him to tell you. Then I would stress to him that you will NEVER take that from him again. Don't end your marrige over a one time occourance without getting to the main issue, something is bothering him. Get him to open up.
I hope things get better for you 
Mara
I'm sorry but I agree with Feona. None of the EXCUSES you listed make a man's assault on his wife right. If I were assaulted by a street thug, I wouldn't ask him why he assaulted me. I'd have his butt behind bars as quickly as I was able. Any man who would strike me in anger is no better than a thug, and would be treated with the same courtesy I'd treat a mugger. He could explain to the magistrate why "He lost it." When he figured it out, and was willing to do WHATEVER it took to make me feel safe again, I might accept him back into my life.
Whatever his "reason", he has no right. This is abuse, plain and simple. I agree with Feona. I might not have called the police at the throwing things and being hit with a strainer, but breaking down the door - I would definitely have called the police. This is really scary.
Whatever he says, whatever his excuses, he must immdiately go to a doctor and you must go with him and relate the event to the doctor so the doc can decide what kinds of meds and/or tests are needed. If this is a one-time thing and he has never freaked out before, or if it is a repeat event but stronger, either way you and he need to know whether there is a medical reason or if this is "just" behavioral.
I don't know any of your history, but I cannot say too strongly that you cannot ignore this or try to pretend it never happened. Nor can you accept apologies and excuses with no action being taken to find out the cause and prevent future episodes. If it is medical, then there may be medical helps. If it is behavioral, then counseling and anger management programs are needed. And, I strongly urge you to connect with a domestic abuse program for yourself, for counseling and for advice on resources.
If he won't go to the doctor or for any counseling, I strongly urge you to tell him that you want him to go now, and that if there is any future episode, no matter how mild, you will be calling the police and applying for a protection from abuse order. As for breaking down the door "to apologize", could it be that he thought you might be on the phone with the police and wanted to stop you? That thought just crossed my mind after re-reading your post.
One of the things about domestic abuse (wife beating) is that it often starts with small things - a smack on the head or a too hard smack on the backside, a slap on the face and "oh, I was drunk", something a little stronger and "oh, I was so angry because of (whatever)", maybe sort-of forced sex (you just got me too hot) or rough sex. The point is, each time the excuse is accepted, the behavior will escalate because he knows it is OK, there are no consequences. My ex raised his hand to me once like he was going to hit me, and I said to him what my father had told me to say if that ever happened - if you are going to hit me you'd better make it a good one because you will never get another chance. He lowered his arm, and never raised it again.
Here is a link to a website listing domestic abuse agencies by state:
http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html
I tend to agree with Feona, Bea and Ginny on this.
If this was "out of the blue", then he needs to get himself to the doctor today. Like mentioned above, you go with him and explain exactly what happened.
No matter how stressed or upset a man is, there is absolutely no reason for him to hurt his wife.
I agree that if you just let this go, it will only get worse.
Well lets turn things around. If you had
thrown hard cover books at your husband and caused a mark on his throat.
(Could have killed you if it hit your throat in the wrong way.)
Hit him over the head with a metal object. I wouldn't even mention what that could have done.
Then broken down a door... your husband wouldn't have called the police to have you hospitalized.
Yes, he would have been gone. That is how you treat someone you want to kill.
I was thinking the same things that Feona and Ginny said. Your first instinct should be to protect yourself and your children. Then, get him to a doctor immediately. Chemical changes, brain cysts, etc. can all contribute to sudden psychological changes.
Just ask yourself: "What am I teaching my children about abuse?"
My husband said he lost the ability to control himself. My husband said there is something seriously wrong.
just wondering how you are doing mrse.
Hope you are O.K.
I really like what Ginny said, there is absolutely no excuse for anyone to raise a hand to me. Totally and completely unacceptable.
A big man could kill me with his pinky finger, so he better have some self control.
Hugs!!!
I would talk to him and see where he was emotionally when all this went down and if there are any symptoms prior to his outburst. I have a friend whose husband had a brain tumor. His out burst of uncontrollable anger were the reason they went to the DR. If he hadn't had the outburst they might not have found the tumor because besides the change in temperament he felt healthy. Another thing could be stress. He could be on the verge of a nervous break down. When you have a break down there is no sense to anything you say and often do. Things are done and said right out of the blue. Sounds like you all need to have a calm talk about why what happened happened and see if there might be an outside factor. How old is he?? He could have had a small stroke. He could be diabetic. He could be having a reaction to some medication. He could have seasonal depression. Could he be taking illegal drugs, sterroids?There are so many could be's.
I wouldn't have called the cops either by the way. Fights happen in marriages and if the situation is over and done with. He has no history of violence and since we weren't there we do not know how this all started or why what happened when. I would talk to my husband and find out why it all happened and see about getting help before I threw my marriage out the door.
forget it
A husband who strikes his wife has crossed THE line.
Physical violence is NEVER acceptable in a relationship.
It means either:
(A)He cannot control his actions due to being under the influence of something (drugs, alcohol or a severe mental condition).
(B)He consciously CHOSE to strike you.
In either case, this situation is so serious, that you need to take immediate and decisive action to STOP it from EVER occuring again.
If you don't, you are sending the message TO HIM that his behavior can be excused and the NEXT time he can go even further without negative consequences.
You didn't mention whether he has hit you before.
If he has, then I believe you already have your answer...
I cannot emphasize enough that you need to make clear to him that this sort of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and back up your words with action.
I haven't heard anything about his excuses for striking you, just your excuses for his behavior. That makes me very worried...
Has he promised to NEVER strike you again?
If he has, then hold him to it.
If not, why hasn't he?
I am a bit concerned that you don't seem to be taking this situation as seriously as I believe you should be.
Yes, you are right, we all have fights or disagreements in our relationships. My husband gets angry at me sometimes but he either avoids me, leaves the room or yells (very unusual for him to do that though). What I am saying is that, although we all have fights, there are certainly more appropriate ways of expressing this anger and physical violence of any kind is definitely not acceptable.
I don't know if I would have called the police or not but I most definitely would have asked him to leave. I'm not saying that the marriage would have ended after one episode but I would most definitely insist on therapy and I believe you should do the same.
JMHO
I'm sorry, Mrse, but to throw *anything* at *anyone* shows a severe loss of control - I don't care if it's a paper wad....if it's thrown in anger, then it's *wrong*.
And you said your fights are not 'usually' that bad. You know, I find it normal to have disagreements, but my husband and I do not shout at each other, and we have never walked out on each other, nor have we thrown anything at each other.
I realize that you came here just to vent, and perhaps in hindsight, things were not as bad in your perception as you may have thought before you posted. But, one of my main concerns would be your *children's* perception of how to handle anger, based on example.
Mrse, I just want to say that we were not in your house. We don't know what he hit you with and with what force and we have no right to judge you or your decisions. And after all these years of being with DH we have had some pretty harry fights and I know many people that could tell you the same thing. Things can get out of control and go over the top and the next thing you know you are wondering to yourself "what just happened here?". I am reading this as you came here to vent looking for been there done that responses or hope you can work things out type of things. Not crying out for help. Sounds to me that things got out of hand and that you came here to unload which is what this is here for. To clear your thoughts and come up with a clear plan of action without escalating the situation any further. I also think you need to talk to him and find out what the heck he was thinking or if he was thinking. And trust me one outburst will not give your children the impression that it is okay to break things. Just as pretending that your happy all the time will not lead your children to believe you have a happy marriage. Things will be okay I am sure. Sounds like you have a handle on things. Hope DH has control over whatever triggered this. I guess this is one of those cases of unless you were there you shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Thankyou bobbie! I am sitting here almost in tears,even though I have read all the posts, I still do not think that he is a maniac that should be strung up. I will make sure that if their is any other things I want to vent about it will not be on a computer, You have all been making my husband out to be this monster without even knowing the man. I am fully aware that women who are beat make excuses for the spouses, and stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons. I am not one of thoses people. I thankyou bobbie for your post. Thankyou to all who are only trying to help, but I have been with dh for 27 years, and he is a good man.
Mrse, Don't feel that way. The intention was good. It is to easy to read to deeply into a post. I know they didn't mean to make you upset. They do not know you or your DH and to say what is abuse or isn't abuse from something in writing just isn't fair to anyone. I think it is a clear case of jumping the gun/assumption. And like I said in your case, an off the cuff vent looking for a, what exactly happened? or a been there done that? or a all men can be jerks type of come back. You shouldn't feel like you can't come here and share your story with us. Don't take the post to personally and don't let it stop you from coming here if you need to. We have no right to judge you or your DH we don't know either of you or your situation or relationship for that matter. Big hugs Mrse... I am sure he is a good man..
I agree with Bobbie, in fact I had just come back to post the exact same thing. We have no idea what the situation is in this home and we have no right to judge Mrse's husband or herself (Judge not, lest you be judged).
Mrse, you know your husband better than anyone and I am sure that if this was a "real", "ongoing" problem, you would take the advice given on this board, however, I don't believe it is a problem such as that from what you have said. Please, don't let the reactions of some keep you from posting your vents on this board. The women and men here are wonderful and very caring and I am sure their posts were made out of concern for you and your safety.
I hope you and your dh have had an opportunity to talk about the events that happened. In my opinion, talking is a wonderful help!
I also don't want you to feel that you cannot vent to us. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I, personally, have been in your shoes, and I didn't call the police, or have him put out, either.
However, like your DH, the behavior was out of the blue. My DH is not an abuser, either. However, his behavior had gotten really bizarre, and I knew that he was under a lot of stress. Turned out, he was having an affair. He was so wracked with guilt, afraid he'd be caught, and torn about whether to tell me or not, that his behavior got really STRANGE. However, after counseling, a job change for him, (she worked with him), and profuse apologies from him, I forgave him. It was a long time ago.
I'm not saying that that is the case with YOUR DH, but SOMETHING is stressing him out badly. Try to get him to talk to you, or maybe go see your minister together. If you are not satisfied with his answers, watch for signs that he may be being unfaithful.
He probably broke down the door because he was afraid that he had really hurt you, or that you were calling the police. He NEEDS intervention, either by you, or a professional. However, you don't throw away a strong, longtime marriage because of one indiscretion. Yes, you COULD have been hurt, but you weren't. We all have close calls in life. However, IF he does it again, I would leave, or ask him to leave, until he gets help.
Didn't mean to scare you....just something to be aware of. However, keep posting. We really DO care about you. (((HUGS))) and prayers to you.
((((Mrse)))
Can I tell you a story about my dh?
When he was young his stepdad told me he walked in his sleep. His friends in the Navy told me he would also walk in his sleep or have "nightmares." The Navy doctor didn't even do anything about it. But I often wonder how bad they were...
After he was completely out of the Navy it seemed like these nightmares got worse instead of better. One night during a snow storm in which we got more than 20" of snow I woke up to a CRASH! Startled I thought a burglar broke our bedroom window. When I was fully awake dh was sitting on the bed clenching his hand. I said what happened, he said "nothing, you can go back to sleep." The way he was acting I wasn't sure if he was awake or asleep. I finally got him to open his left hand and on his third finger you could see clear to the bone. He had put his hand through the window. He couldn't remember the dream and the window was completely smashed. I bandaged his hand, called my dad and off to the emergency room they went. It scared me but not enough to move me out of our bedroom.
Another time I awoke to be lifted up on the bed and slammed horizontally to the floor with a blanket over me. Dazed and confused I saw dh on top of me. Trying to wake him up just seemed to make it worse, it almost felt like he was choking me with the blanket. When he finally awoke, he remembered this dream. He had dreamed that he had heard a buglar and thought he placed me on the floor to hide. He then thought he went after the buglar and thought he had tackled him. We had an old bedroom suite and the handles were the kind that stuck out and wouldn't move. With such force from his knee he had bent in clear into the wood.
Still I did not move out of the bedroom and mom was in fear for my life!
The nightmares started to diminish and the doctor said they were night terrors and something about the stress and detachment from the Navy and in a different setting.
Most people thought I was crazy and he was trying to kill me. I am still giving bits and pieces and am not writing the whole situation only because it's too long. But people can judge from my writing whatever they think. But no one but you was in that situation. You are the one to have to judge what will happen to you and your husband. However, I believe all the people here are just trying to help. They don't know the whole situation and some people fear for you while others are concerned something more might be wrong.
Years later we read about a man that killed his wife in his sleep, dragged her into their pool and went back to bed. I believe he actually used that as his defense. And I actually believed the jury accepted it. Mom often said "what if that would have happened to you?" And I replied "If that is the way I was supposed to go then so be it."
I am glad I didn't call the cops on those occassions. Dh has no more nightmares or does not sleep walk. However, dd (age8) does. She tried to walk outside one night so we got deadbolts.
HUGS, Mrse. I wanted to post this last night after reading the majority of the other replies. I prefer to email you but see no address.
I just wanted to let you know, I can imagine how you must have felt, first feeling so lost by your husbands control and then feeling battered by those you trust on line.
While reading all the posts ready to arrest your DH or kick him out, I imagined how I would feel if I got several posts to me saying the same about my DH. Boy would I become defensive in his name and I would be in tears thinking that so many others I trusted as friends thought my DH was an animal. Then I would feel terrible for betraying my husbands confidance (sp?) for sharing such a personal experience online.
None of us were there. And until we acutally experience the event ourself, we really don't know what we would do. I'm sure all the alerting posts were said with TRUE CARING OF YOUR WELL BEING. We also do not know where their own personal life came from. Perhaps some have had an abusive father, or a friend who lived/lives that way. Their alarms would sound much louder than someone who has never been thru it before.
We all have different places in our life that cause us to choose the way we do. Also, because we are going by only what we know ourselves, we are unable to see what you see.
Hopefully, you have had the chance to discuss this with your husband. Ignoring it is not the best choice. Good luck to you.
I am certain, none of the posters posted to cause you to feel more pain. I'm sure it was all said with the best intentions.
I know when I posted I certainly wasn't meaning to cause you more pain. We are all here to help and your original post was VERY scary. You are right, we were not in your house at the time.
I do hope that you will take some of the advice given and seek the root of the problem. Something must be at the heart of this if it is something that is unusual for him.
Before saying this next part, I hope you will not be offended. When you posted this, although just meaning to vent, you must have expected that many of us would have the reaction that we did. We are a great group of strong independant women and don't like to see one of our own treated in a way that we feel is wrong. I hope you don't take that the wrong way. Again, I'm not meaning to cause you more pain.
Hope today is a better day for you and that you and your husband have had an opportunity to sit down and talk about this incident.
Mrse
Some initial details were left out i.e. 27 years of marriage. That is along time I am only on 8.
Since it is the holidays I will ask you this question. Was he drinking days before? Is he an avid drinker? I only ask because and I KNOW this. When I drink even if it is two drinks(I seldom drink) the next day or even the third day I am a whirl wind. I have a very short leash and want things my way. I turn into Hyde. Did anyone know it takes 3 days for alcohol to get out of your system? At least what I have experienced anyway. i.e. my sister drinks(alot)on the weekends, but by Tues she has a splitting headache, and she wants to know why!!! Withdrawl I keep telling her and she does NOT believe me. Ya think week after week after week she would figure it out???? I am getting off track so I will stop..
but MRSE good luck and tell everyone to chill out!!
I agree that you should not leave him or blow this one incident out of porportion. But I don't think it would hurt for him to call his doctor and explain what happened. I know he would probably be very embarrassed. But there are many neurological illnesses that can cause breaks like this. At the very least the two of you need to have a heart to heart talk. I hope everything works out for you!
Mrse, are you out there? I really hope you didn't choose to leave the group over this. I am sorry your feelings were hurt.
((((( Mrse )))))
Know how you feel, Mrse. On another board I got pretty severely jumped on about something. I think posters were WAY overthinking things and underestimating the impact of involving intrusive governmental agencies in our lives. In cyberspace things are seen only in black and white. Life is gray.
I don't blame you if you leave. I haven't been back to the other board either. It's almost like betrayal.
I'm sorry if our concern for her safety is considered a betrayal. I don't think anyone JUMPED on her at all. Several of us urged her to take strong measures, but no one accused her, or in any way was anything, but worried for her safety. If you just want to vent and have none of us offer advise, then say so in the title. Her title suggested that this was serious, and we responded in kind. I am hurt that our efforts to respond to what we took as a call for help, were taken as an attack.
ok, I think it is time to let this thread go away. I think we have all learned a lot, from this, now lets move on, I would like to partipate in other conversations on the board, I appreciate all the advice, that was given, but was also upset about it all. I did not even think, about the consequences, when I posted. I did not want everyone, being upset over this, so lets move on, and have some fun,
Bea, I don't think that is what she (Mrse) was saying. I think that she was hurt because after she came back and tried to explain she was told she was making excuses for him. I don't think all the post upset her as she does say, "Thankyou to all who are only trying to help, but I have been with dh for 27 years, and he is a good man." I think that her original post did not state things clearly because she was upset. Then when she came back and tried to clear things up she was upset because she had come across wrong so once again she didn't state herself clearly. As we both know very well getting your point across in writing is very hard for some people, forget about it when you are upset. And I think that this whole thing started out as a simple complaint and turned into her feeling even more upset than she started out. I think that it really isn't anyones fault and that it is silly to be hurt over something like this. Because this simply boils down to a miscommunication. Not thought out and not clearly expressed. A vent, something anyone coming here to unload might possibly write. I just think it is sad that she felt she had to leave over this because in the long and the short of life a miss read post is minor and really no ones feelings should be hurt over anything said in this thread of post (or anyother thread for that matter) because things like this happen easy enough. No reason to get bent out of shape over any of it because even in the best of friendships the road isn't always smooth. Words can be taken out of context and feelings are too easily hurt. Which as old timers to this we both know that this can happen but not everyone else has been at this as long as we have. LOL But that said I just think it is sad. Don't know what I would do if I didn't have my online friends to turn to some days.
Mrse, I am glad you decided to stay. Things like this happen. So many different people from so many different places in their lives and you can get pretty strong feelings about things. And once someone gets fired up it is like that trickle down effect that I am always talking about. LOL I am really glad you decided to give this all another go says a lot about you.
MRSE HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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