Beyond frustrated
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2004:
Beyond frustrated
My sister-in-law said she was coming for a visit sometime during the kids winter break. No specific date. I told her that we couldn't handle a visit right now because we are working 7 days a week. During winter break I am babysitting every day except Christmas. My husband works 70+ hours a week and Sunday is his only day off. He tries to rest up to do it all over again.
To top it off my daughter is recovering from the flu and the rest of us have bad colds.
Well My sister-in-law called and said she was coming anyway. She said she is passing through to another town but can not tell us the day she is even coming (just sometime next week).
Last year she did this and tried to convince me to keep her daughter while she went off with the boyfriend.
Am I missing something here? Is she right to just push her way into our home? We told her that any other month she is welcome for a visit but this month is beyond hectic for us. If we had time off we would be there visting our inlaws for the holidays.
Please help me handle this. I am at my witts end. I am exhausted from the holidays, the flu, and this just feels like the last straw.
Thanks for your advice!
Yvonne
Yvonne, I know how you feel...people in my family or dh's seem to totally disregard anything I say if it contradicts with something they want to do. Really all you can do is when she shows up tell her AGAIN that this isn't a good time for a visit and that you would love to see her another time but you just can't now. I know it is frustrating to have to say it AGAIN and AGAGIN and AGAIN when you really should have only had to say it once but DON'T give in because that is what she is probably expecting you to do.
Well, if you made it so clear, I might be brave enough to just not answer the door or phone over the next week. It's not like you have time to anyway.
Hmm, guess that wasn't the support you were looking for.
HUGS to you. Hope it all works out.
Of course she doesn't have a right to push herself into your home! Doesn't mean she won't. It's up to you to say No and mean it.
People will take you as far as YOU LET THEM.
Wouldn't it be great if people acted the way they should?
Really--I am NOT a pushover but whenever I tell her no she simply refuses to hear. Now the inlaws (husband parents) are involved saying that we have to let her come. "She's family. How can you not let her stop by"
I feel like I am up against the wall. If I refuse to open the door or answer the phone I am the bad guy. Since I work from home than I am home so I have no excuse.
I do not want to start a war with my inlaws.
My sister-in-law is the only person I know who would insist on coming when its been made clear that she isn't welcome.
I would never show up at someones house uninvited.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Maybe She will catch my daughters flu---just kidding----kinda
"kinda" LOL Maybe she will. 
I have no suggestion. I have never and will probably never have that problem. No one wants to come to my house LOL and when they do they don't stay long. My house is crowded with 6 people in it so add to many people and we are sitting on each other lol..
Of course she doesn't have the right to come whenever she wants. That's just bad manners, family or no family. And when you tell her you cannot have her and have a sick child plus working every day but Christmas Day.
When she stops by, if it were me I'd greet her, say I'm sorry, but as I told you I am working and my dh is working and we are all either sick or recovering. I'm sure you and your daughter don't want to be exposed to what we have, and I certaily wouldn't want to risk you catching it. Here's the address and phone number of the nearest decent hotels/motels. After you get settled, why don't you call and if we are feeling better maybe we can visit for an hour or two. Of course, if you absolutely have no other place to stay and want to risk getting ill, we can give you a bed but we don't have either the time or energy to socialize - I'm sure you understand.
Of course, before you make any decision, talk it over with your dh. If he will be made miserable by turning your sil away, then you have to rethink, but if he agrees with you, you are on safe ground.
Your in-laws have no right to say that you have to take her in. If they didn't teach her good manners, it is about time she (and they) learned that you are not a patsy just because they are in-laws.
It's easy for me to give you advice on this because I don't have to live with your dh or your in-laws, and I have never been in this situation. Even my dear mother would never, never have dropped in without calling first to make sure it was OK. (Of course, how could it not be OK - she was my mother, after all, but at least it gave me a chance to clear up the worst of the mess and comb my hair.) I was raised that the only time you drop in on someone or come when you are told it is not a good time is if you have a flat tire or breakdown and that person's home is the nearest or only place you can get to.
No, i hope she doesn't catch your daughter's flu, then she'll be sick and stuck in your house till she recovers ! 
I don't have any good advice for you. I just want to say that i agree that it is very rude of her to barge in uninvited. Can't she get a clue? I would never go somewhere uninvited, that's just wrong and rude.
I was about to send a reply, until I read Ginny's post, and it pretty much said what I was going to (great minds, right Ginny?).
I was always taught this maxim, and I think everyone should repeat it daily:
"No one can take advantage of you unless you let them."
Good luck with the situation - although I think it's utterly important to maintain contact with family (unless it's harmful), there are limits to our patience and well-being.
My husband IS in agreement with me and spoke with the inlaws (sister-in-law and his parents) last night once again explaining why it is not a good time. They refused to hear him and simply said she is coming.
He got off the phone defeated and asked what more could he have said. He even suggested going out when she comes but I think running away from her is ridiculous.
The funny thing is whenever she visits it is the most awkward visit. I don't understand why she even wants to come? It is not like we get along.
She has to want something. Probally she hopes I will watch her child while she goes off with her boyfriend (that is what she wanted last year but I refused)
Last time she came she put her daughter in my sons bed to nap. When she FINALLY left she picked up her daughter and was carrying her out when I noticed her daughters backside was soaking/dripping wet. She was trying to sneak her soaking wet kid out without telling me the child had peed all over my sons bed! There was no way she didn't know as she was holding her child and her hand was wet! This is the kind of person I am dealing with. ARGH!
Well, since your dh agrees, when she comes to the door you can greet her by saying - we told you that this is not a good time, we asked you not to come, and here is the address of a decent motel. Given that your dh is supportive, if she is going to be thoughtless and rude, you are free to be courteously and firmly unwelcoming. I suggest you start practicing now, before the doorbell rings, so that you have it down pat. Think about what she will say in response, and just keep repeating- you were told this is not a good time - you were told that we don't want you to come - we told you and your parents several times ... so while I'm sorry if you went out of your way, you have only yourself to blame for coming when you so clearly knew that we had asked you not to come. And just keep repeating it. Don't invite her in, don't - don't - offer her a cup of coffee or anything else. If you really want to you can offer her an opportunity to use the bathroom and the telephone and phone book to find a motel or hotel if she doesn't want to go to the one you suggest. But that would be it. If she makes any moves towards seeming like she is settling in, putting her daughter down for a nap, or whatever, just stop her and repeat - we told you that you cannot stay here. Please either go to the motel I recommended or any other place you want, but you cannot stay here. I'm sorry, but you were told clearly well enough in advance so that you could make other plans, and we are not going to allow you to disrupt our lives this way. I'm sorry if it makes problems for you but you have brought it on yourself and you will have to live with the consequences of ignoring our clear requests that you not come. Good bye. (and don't let the door hit your butt too hard on the way out).
Bless your dh for being supportive. Good luck. And no, you are not being rude. You are making as courteous a response as possible to someone who is being extremely rude. As my father would have said - keep your chin up (but not out) - good luck, honey. Remember - this is her fault, not yours. You are not to blame - she is, and her family. There is no reason for you and your family to be the victims of such behavior.
Thank you Ginny!
You have really cheered me up and I will start practicing my speech
Maybe I didn't read good enough, but why can't she stay with her parents? You say dh's parents just are ignoring what he is saying and say she is coming anyway...let them host her!!
oops...never mind! I was right, I didn't read good enough! LOL
They all live in Orlando.
We live in south Florida (4 hours away)
Perhaps we just need to move further away. LOL
Well I can honestly say I don't have that problem. My in laws will promise ds to come over and never show up. He told MIL one day she was a liar and she hurt his heart; of course she tried to blame me for it. Dh and I have been married for 9yrs and they have only been over about 6 or 7 times. It bothers me more than dh but that's because I get blamed for it. They don't ever call to let us know when something has happened or going to happen. I have tried to learn to live with it but then someone makes a comment and it takes all I got to be the person my mother raised. It's hard and I'm still trying. I'm assuming I always will.
Yvonne - if you don't mind, let us know how it turns out.
I am a firm believer in role-play, otherwise known as rehearsing in advance what you want to say and do, so you have your script down pat, and rehearsing how you will respond to various things the other person might say.
One trick I learned (after being caught on television crying in rage), is to lower my voice and slooow down my rate of speaking, so that I have an opportunity to think about what I am going to say before (hopefully before) I say it. And if you stay calm, courteous and firm, it drives the other person crazy. You just keep repeating what you have said until it either sinks in or she gives up and leaves.
Good luck.
I will let ya know.
Yvonne
I've read everybody's posts and they have wonderful ideas. As you may know I have very little family left, so maybe it is a good thing.
I would be the one to not answer the door or telephone because at that point I would be so angry I might say something I would regret.
Remember when they would put quarantined (sp?) signs up at people's houses, it wasn't in my day but my grandmother would tell me these stories. Either that either the police/fireman "caution" tape over my front door and a sign that says "beware of sil," lol, just kidding.
I hope all turns out well. I'll be thinking of you.
I have a question for Ginny! Did this really happen to you "One trick I learned (after being caught on television crying in rage), " or was it something you saw? Just curious!
Beware of sister-in-law sign?
Hmmmmmmm I like that.
Perhaps a "Beware Of ANGRY Sister-in-law Being Forced To Endure Unwanted Company" Sign.
I am afraid I will lose my temper as being calm and rational has not worked.
Maybe its time she see my angry side
Marq - oh yes, it happened. I was a co-founder of a group advocating for parents of public school children, and there was a 13 week strike (6 weeks, a break, and then 7 weeks). At some point we pulled together a public meeting of administration, principals, teachers, and parent/child advocates. When the teacher's union rep and the principals' rep started playing political games, I flipped, yelled out something (can't remember what) and was angry and crying - and the cameras of all 3 major local news stations and our local PBS station were on me. And, my then husband and children and all my friends were treated to it on the 6 o'clock news. Not one of my shining moments.
Yvonne, I can only urge you to not SHOW your anger, or, if you do, show it in a calm, cool, self-possessed manner - saying "I am very angry that you and your parents chose to ignore our clear request that you not come. You have no right to do this and if it causes you inconvenience, you brought it on yourself." If she makes you visibly lose your temper and say intemperate things, she wins and you lose, because she can honestly relate the things you said to the rest of the family. And, your children may see it. Really, really better to at least visibly keep your cool - along the lines of "never let them see you sweat" - no matter how you feel inside.
And, later on, you will feel so good about yourself, and will have kept your dignity. As I so often say, better to take the high road (or at least be seen to take the high road). It looks good to others, gives you a good image and good reputation, and if/when the other person doesn't you win. And down the road you won't have an embarassing moment to remember (like mine).
I can tell you that there are many times I have kept my cool during the situation and later gone into my bedroom, or gotten in the car, and just cursed long and loud. But only later. At our recent office Christmas luncheon we were talking about a recently departed and not missed secretary, and at some point I chimed in, "X is just not a nice person." My co-workers broke into laughter, and one (the one whose work station is closest to mine), said, you know, Virginia never says anything bad about anyone and never gets angry, but when X was fired she called me at home to tell me because she was so happy." Little does she know what I said at home, but it is a nice reputation to have at the office.
Is she supposed to be visiting for a few HOURS, or is she supposed to be staying for a few DAYS?
Good question!
She has not given us a day, time, etc.
Her boyfriends family has a yearly reunion in the Florida Keys so we are assuming they are heading there.
Last year she tried to dump her kid on me so she could be with the boyfriend alone. I refused. I imagine she is hoping to be more successful this year.
This is not a person that comes for a friendly visit. She HAS to want something. The only time we see or hear from her is if she wants something.
She is divorced and her child is a monster. She blames the bad behavior on the father, As do my inlaws. If my niece was better behaved I would gladly watch her (since she is my childrens cousin and they don't see her very often)... BUT this child is out of control. She is bad mouthed, has screaming temper tamptrums and likes to break my childrens toys on purpose.
No way I am dealing with that or subjecting my children to that!
(((Ginny))) Don't worry, I've lost my temper a time or two at work. And at the time I wouldn't have cared if I were on TV or not lol!
My husband is the patient one. He has taught me to step back and look at the situation. Doesn't always work for me though He is subcontracted out to the public school system and I know how bad it is, he usually has to step out of the situation so he doesn't get angry infront of the children. The principal upsets him the most.
At 5:00 She called saying they were around the corner (voice mail on my cell).
I put the kids in the car and we headed to the mall.
My husband works until 7:00 there was no way I was dealing with her alone! I was hoping she would just go away but no such luck. They stayed in our driveway until we got home.
My husband got home at 7:30 I arrived with kids at 8:00.
The visit was 3 hours l o n g. Her daughter asked to spend the night we said no and finally they left.
It was a typical visit with her ridiculing me in every way possible. My husband gave me a diamond eternity ring for our 10th anniversary-- she told me it was pretty but her boyfriend was going to give her a rock from Tiffany. It will be platinum and over a carat.
The funny thing is my anniversary ring IS platinum and is a Tacori ring (not cheap like she thinks) but I took the high road and didn't even respond to her ignorant comments. I doubt she even knows what Tacori is.
"Tiffany store" is all the prestige she needs.
We survived it.
I stood my ground about no one staying and they are gone.
Thank you everyone for your support!
Yvonne
Glad all went as well as can be expected it doesn't sound too bad. At least they didn't decide they all needed to stay for the night and I liek teh run to the mall thing let them sit i nthe driveway for 3 hours they are the ones who were probably terribly bored. Only a yr to go until the next visit!!!!
LOL Tonya. "Only a yr to go until the next visit!!!!"
Yvonne, good for you for taking the high road. Not worth the effort of getting upset.
I still can't believe she sat in your driveway that long, lol!
I'm glad it worked out well for you and you didn't respond to her remarks. You will feel better for it. In some ways, I feel for her...you know she must be miserable, she has to be. Too bad she can't have a wonderful family like you do to come home to every night. She talks big, but inside is probably very small and feels very insignificant. Guess it's the time of year to count our blessings and pray for those less fortunate....have a great New Year!
No way would I sit in someone's driveway like that! Of course, if you told me it was a bad time for a visit, I wouldn't have come anyway!
She sounds loony to me to sit in your driveway for 3 hours. I don't think that's normal. Congrats on keeping your cool, sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut, I had to do that over the holidays but that's another story...
Amazed she waited for your return. At least there were 3 hours you didn't need to "chat". Thank goodness you weren't pushed to keep her kid the night.
As Mrsclark says, we just need to count our blessings and pray for those with less.
Sounds like you did take the high road and that you stood your ground - congratulations.
The whole thing sounds incredibly silly to me. For her to sit in the driveway for 3 hours waiting for you says to me that the whole point of this for her was to show you that she would come no matter what you said, and that her whole point for coming was to spend some time trying to make you unhappy. It would be sort of sad that this is the best way she can think of to spend her time, if it weren't such an aggravation for you. But at least you kept the aggravation to a minimum.
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