Still having moments..
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Still having moments..
Well ladies, it has been almost 3 months since we moved. I am still having some serious issues with the whole move. We have managed just fine financially despite my serious concerns not long ago. We haven't paid off the VISA from the move yet but will in a few weeks when the house sells. But, I am still not happy.
One of the reasons DH wanted to move was to see his family. We are a 4 hour drive to his parents place. Despite the fact that we have made this drastic change to our lives, WE are still the ones expected to do the travelling! There is already talk about when we are going there for Christmas and my SIL has mentioned the same to me about going to their place (7 hours away). I'm sorry, but this really bugs me.
I knew this would happen. I told DH this before we moved.
I'm thinking I just want to stay put at Christmas and if anyone wants to see us they can put their bottoms in a car and drive to us. Am I being unreasonable?
Of course, it doesn't help that I am tired and stressed (report card time) when we're discussing all of this.
Thanks for letting me vent ladies. I haven't made any friends here yet so I don't have anyone really to talk to. I appreciate that I can always come here.
I totally 100% agree that you should stay put where you are. You just had a huge move and should not be expected to travel more when you aren't truly settled yet. Roads travel in two directions. Let them come to you. Set a date and time for Christmas dinner or get together and tell the family that you welcome. Let them decide whether they are coming or not.
Maybe they are thinking of sparing you the work of having to host the holiday at your house?
I know this has been quite the saga, but if the whole purpose was to be nearer to his family, why did you buy a house so far away?
Not being picky, just curious.
You are in a tough spot right now. Lots of hugs.
You should have your husband take the initiative and invite his family to your house for Christmas and whoever comes, comes.
Ditto Adena.
Ame
Paula, I agree with Adena - you have enough stress, have Christmas at YOUR home and invite them to come to YOU.
I know this has been incredibly stressful for you, but please try to hang in there.
Another way of looking at it is, even though it's very stressful and scary right now, and you are feeling upset and unsure of your decision, it can be exciting, it's a fresh start, and maybe some great things will come out of this. As in *things happen the way they are supposed to*.
I wouldn't be upset over Christmas - stand firm in your decision to do Christmas at YOUR home, invite them all to come either on Christmas or a day before or after, where you can celebrate with all of them. If they don't show, then you've done your part. In the future, you can drive to their house(s) if you choose to. IMO, you have enough to deal with THIS year without planning to be traveling on Christmas day.
Again, I know it's hard on you right now, but the glass is half full - perhaps the next year(s) will bring wonderful things to you and make this move worthwhile.
If I went to their house it would be around my schedule (kids school and your work). I dont know about you, but my kids only wake up in their beds on Christmas morning. That's the magic of Christmas morning and we never miss that. So i wouldn't try to be there (at the inlaws) on Christmas morning is what I am saying. Surely they can respect that and plan dinner that evening or the next day.
(((HUGS))) You made a big move and you are still adjusting. Do you know when we moved to CR we were counseled on the process we would go through emotionally?? There is a 6 to 9 month adjustment period. The first 3 mos is like a grand vacation/ honeymoon period. Then you go down hill (picture a roller coaster ride) and start to get a little depressed/sad/lonely, etc... Then you pull it back together and level out again. Then again you can go down hill and so on. Let me tell ya when you have a big move and you have stressors from all over the place it's tough. So don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself time to fully adjust and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It'll all be ok in the end.
Christmas is Christmas...You can have Christmas at your house AND the inlaws. OR just stay home for this year. But I'd skip out on that 7 hr drive to the sisters house this year. Maybe you can go to her house on spring break or summer break.
Your feelings are normal. Vent anytime! You are adjusting to a new job, new house, new town, new school for kids, finding new places to shop, change in finances, etc... It's ok!!!  (((HUGS)))
Conni, you got that right! My kids are always home for Christmas morning. Always. I've made that very clear. Most Christmases we were in VA at my grandparents' when my sister and I were kids. We woke up on Christmas morning kind of sad because we knew that we weren't waking up to finding our stockings filled and our toys from Santa. All day long we got to see all the neat stuff our cousins had gotten, but we didn't have anything to share. I know, I know, Christmas isn't about what you get, yada, yada, yada. But when you are a child, that's a big part of the magic!
We are a 4 hour drive away from relatives. I hate traveling with my kids at the holidays. That is why I started "Thanksmas". we celebrate both holidays at once. Hubby's family travels TO US and we do not have to haul Christmas presents. We did Christmas at their house a few years when the kids were little. It was such a pain to haul all our Santa gifts there and then to bring them back. It really wasn't fun for the kids either. Now Christmas is our holiday. we celebrate it alone.
You need to reach a compromise. Celebrate one holiday with them and keep one to yourself. Or have them to drive to you for one, and you drive to them for the other.
Moving and settling in is very difficult. Take a deep breath and sit down with your hubby to discuss the holiday situation.
(((((hugs!)))))
I agree that it is time to compromise with everyone involved. I would get it started this year, so that you don't get something started that you don't want to continue. If the whole point of moving was to be closer to family, I understand why they automatically think you want to be included in their holidays. Have they (the people that do live in that area) always in years past celebrated Christmas at your dh's parents home? If so, I can understand why they would just assume to continue that and have you included. I think that first you and dh need to sit down and come up with what you are willing to do. If you don't want to travel at all, perhaps you can do something like Yvonne and have a holiday in between Thanksgiving and Christmas at your home that would be both holidays. After you and dh set up what you would like to do, have your dh tell his parents and sister what you have come up with and ask for their input. Maybe you go to them on Thanksgiving and they come to you on Christmas? I am sure something can be worked out, I bet they are just going on what they have been doing in all the years that you haven't been there. Maybe they just need to be reminded that it might be time for some new traditions to be started since you guys are somewhat close now???
Thanks for all the input guys. I appreciate it so much. Adena, you asked why we are so far away if the idea was to be closer. Well, this is where I got a job. We were an 8 hour plane ride so this is much closer.
I think DH and I need to sit down and work out a plan. I'll let you know what we decide.
{{Paula}} It is so hard to move, trust me, we have done it 5 times! It takes about a year, to really settle in. So, try and cut yourself a break about that. You have been through a lot the last few months, a new job, new house, the stress of selling your house!
As far as your family and holidays, I agree that you and dh need to sit down and discuss how you want to handle it.
Dh's family used to drive me nuts during the holidays. His brother ALWAYS has Thanksgiving at his house, and his sister ALWAYS has Christmas at hers. To us it isn't fair, this means we would have to travel for both holidays. They refuse to come to our house for any holiday. When we didn't have dks, we didn't mind so much. But, once we had kids it was a different story. So, we now go to my parents for Thanksgiving. They live in the same town as dh's brother. So, we get to spend time with both familys. We have the only kids in my immediate family, so my parents come to our house for Christams. My brother and SIL trade off. They spend Christmas with us one year, and Thanksgiving with her family, and then the next year they switch. Things are going to change soon because my brother and SIL are expecting a baby. But, my dks are getting older, so it won't be as big of a deal to go to their house for Christmas in a few years.
I hope you and dh can come to a compromise. Let us know how it works out.
We use to do Thanksgiving away, Christmas Eve away and Christmas is always at home.. Period. We have a PJ day and we lounge around playing with the new "toys" and eating. A restful day.
As a kid we use to do Thanksgiving at both Granparents house, spent most of the day in the car. Christmas eve was at my mom's parents and then it was my dad's mom's for Christmas Day. That is when we were in Ohio, dad was in the Air Force until I was 12 and then he took a job in California until I was 14 so we weren't in Ohio most years but when we were, I hated it. We would get all this "cool" stuff and we would have to open presents, get dressed and run to Grandma's and our "cool" stuff would sit at home unplayed with while we sat and the adults chatted. We would get home to late to really get to check out our stuff and it was always "upsetting", "unfair" to the kids. Not just us but our cousins too.
So when my sisters and I started having our own kids we started staying home for Christmas Day. We would plan other days around the holiday for get togethers.
Paula, hold on... things are going to get better. I have faith that in all things, a positive will come. You just have to be looking for the positives. You won't be forsaken in this. (((PAULA))) Keep moving forward.. And stand your ground.
Paula - What part of NB are you in?
Yes, we only live an hour away from our parents and in laws, but we are always the ones doing the driving.
I decided that this year, we weren't driving. We are having dinner, and if my parents show up, they show up. If not, then it's just us.
You guys are just settling in and I think they're just trying to include you. I would do a low key get together at your house, after the holidays.
Or, just suck it up and visit with them on a weekend before Christmas and stay home on Christmas day. Sounds like the house will close soon enough and your relatives are important people...important enough to move all that way. It will mean a lot to your husband too.
On a different note, I know all too well how hard it is to make friends in a new area. The more involved you get with things in your area, the more people you'll know. I've gotten to know so many wonderful people because of all our moves...you'll get there, honey.
Thanks for everything guys. You guys are always full of such wonderful advice. I was telling a friend of mine the other day about a parenting site I have been going to for 10.5 years now. Of course, I didn't share the name of it...my little online getaway!
I still don't know what to do. DH doesn't expect to do 'Christmas' anywhere but home. Neither of us are interested in that. It doesn't look like anyone is going to come here though. He wants to spend a weekend at his parents so we might do that on the 21-23.
However, part of me thinks I am just being stubborn about visiting my brother and sister-in-law (the 7 hour drive). When we were in Alberta, it was nothing to drive to Edmonton for the weekend (6 hours away). Am I being selfish???
I do have lots to do over the holidays. I have to write a grant proposal for school since the deadline is Janurary 8th.
What do you guys think? Should I just bit the bullet and go? My SIL is a Vice Principal...maybe she could help me with the grant proposal.
Paula, I think you just need to give yourself a break this year. You guys have been through some major changes. If your dh is happy staying home this Christmas, then stay home and enjoy the time with your dh and the kids. I am sure it will be a lot less stressful. There is always next year to visit your friends and family. And, I am sure if you explain your reason for not visiting this year, everyone will understand.
Paula, Read Debbie's post again! I couldn't say it better.
I'd only add that there will be lots of other years to go to the relatives'. Some years you might even look forward to it.
When my kids were little, we lived 200 miles away, so always had to travel. Although, it was one day at my parents' house and a different day with my in-laws.
Then my sister moved out-of-state, and we all developed routines around the holidays, and now Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning are both just spent at home. Church and lasagna on Christmas Eve. Then I make the eggbake fora the morning and the jellow to take to my SIL's house. We wake up on Christmas morning, when we want to, hang out in our jammies all morning and maybe around lunch time finally get dressed for the day. We leave for my in-laws, around 3pm and spend the rest of the day there. After so many Christmases of having to get people up right away, dressed, the car packed and drive drive drive, I LOOOOOVE just being able to sleep in on Christmas Day and enjoy it with my little group of 4.
Paula, I hope you can work something out.
Dawn, we do church and lasanga on Christmas eve too!
Ditto Debbie
Rayelle, that is cool. I decided to make it, because it could cook while we were at church. We come home and it's almost done and it smells so good.
Thanks ladies. I think we will go ahead with our schedule of visiting the in-laws on the 21-23. I may go to my sisters (an hour from the inlaws) on the 22nd for the day or spend the night. However, if my brother and SIL want to see us over Christmas they will have to come to us.
They did offer to come at Thanksgiving but I had to decline their offer. DH and I had been apart for 2 months and were having some trouble. It was our first weekend together as a family after 2 months.
SIL said they would come for March Break.
Sounds like a plan to me! I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
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