At my wit's end 
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive November 2007:
At my wit's end
My son (11) is having issues completing his homework from school.
As most of you know I work full time and often I don't get home until 6 or later (a mildly long commute contributes to that). On top of it all there is a new boss and she's wonderful but the old boss hasn't left yet and there is a fair amount of tension including a shift in all our priorities. I've taken on some new things and while I'm balancing a lot of the old things adding the new things has made for longer days at work.
I know things are going to settle down at work and be fine but in the meantime I'm struggling with things at home. My partner tries to help but he also works full time and often has to work late.
My son doesn't complete assignments or doesn't bring them home or does them incorrectly and his teacher tells him that he has to do them over. I lost it tonight and yelled at two of my kids about their homework not being done (my daughter has some of the same problems and while it's not to the same degree it does exist). I'm not home so they mess around and mess around and aren't taking any responsibility for their things.
I'm trying to work this out with their teachers and there teachers are being very supportive and understanding but nothing we seem to be doing helps. His teacher writes out all his homework in his planner and makes sure all his things are in his bag and I work with him on it when I'm home but he seems to forget the assignments or not remember what she's said to do and puts in half hearted effort.
I'm sitting here ready to cry and I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I've scheduled times for their homework to be done but if I'm not home to enforce it they just ignore the rules I've set. I don't know what sort of consequences to enforce. I know they'll get in trouble at school and there will be consequences but that doesn't seem to matter to them all that much especially my 11 year old.
By the time I'm home I barely have the time to get dinner going and I need to be chasing them about homework.
How do all you other mom's handle these kinds of situations? I really don't know what to do anymore all the arrangements I've made with their teachers isn't working (we had parent teacher interviews a couple of weeks ago) and being that I'm not here like I used to be it's all falling through the cracks I feel like I just want to give up and yet I know I won't but it's that feeling...
Oh sweety,I wish I had some advice for you. It's been so long since my kids were that age, that my advice would sound ancient  I know that times are harder on growing families these days.It takes two paychecks to make ends meet...and sometimes they only wave at each other instead of meeting!! ( ok, I TOLD you I'm ancient ,TeeHee)And when you have to work long hours, it's rough on all of y'all. Maybe some of the other moms can offer some good advice. It's good to see you again on here.I've been wondering where you are
When you get home, do you check to make sure the homework is done? Do you look at his planner that the teacher wrote in and look at the work? What do you do if it isn't done? Do they have any punishment at home if so, what type? Are they getting any punishment at school and if so, what type?
I just need a little more info before I give my 2 cents!
I suppose you could always come straight home from work and deal with the homework instead of making dinner....if they realize no dinner will be started until all homework is either done properly or is well under way, their stomachs may help convince them to get cracking!
Hugs! It is so tough! In school, maybe the teacher could let your son do one example of each homework item on his own. This way she is sure he'll know how to do it once he gets home. Ditto with your daughter.
Then call home at about the time they should start their work and remind them. You probably do this already.
Here's where my advice gets a little crazy . Do you have a fax machine at home? If not, they are relatively inexpensive. At a certain time, they should fax their homework to you at work. This way you can see that it's done. This is only if your bosses will go for the idea.
If not - when you get home, put out cut veggies and cheese for everyone to snack on and get your kids to do their homework in the kitchen while you prep dinner.
Mine are young yet - but on crazy days I find that if I am there doing something while my son does his homework he completes it faster.
Lots of hugs. I hope you can get it solved.
Ame
I am going through this EXACT same thing with my 11 yr old dd. My oldest DD does her homework and never needs any reminders at all. My 11 yr old has to be reminded every day! the teacher writing down the homework is great but she really should have him write it down (to get him in the habbit for later years but she still needs to check it) and if he doesn't have one a daily planner is great to write homework in (my DDs school requires every student to have one and they are identical and they call them "Reminder Binders"). My rule is you can have a snack then you are to start homework. My DD has to call me as soon as she gets home and that is when I first remind her that she needs to start on her homework right away and ask what all she has to do. I also estimate how long that will take if she starts right away so I can then say if you do it right away you will have ____ time to play. Then about 30 min later i call home again and ask older DD how things are going and if Jordan (11) is doing her homework. If she says no then I talk to Jordan and ask how her homework is going (sometimes she lies so I have to really talk here) I have a very lienient boss so I can make calls like this with no issues. This goes on about every 30 min until i leave work. if you have a cell you can call on your way home too. When I get home the first thing I have Jordan do is show me the list of her homework and what she has finished. If it is not all done then all TVs and computer are turned off and she has to sit at the bar in the kitchen and finish while i start dinner. I have found that the more I do this the easier things get.. the first week is really hard but after that it is just part of the routine...
Good luck and if you need anymore advice or just someone to talk to you my email is tarable2 at gmail dot com
You have gotten a lot of good advice here. I second putting off dinner until the homework issues have been addressed. Just come in the door, quickly change into some more comfortable clothing, get out the snacks, and sit down with them at the table and look over everything. Get them started on their work and be available in case there are any questions.
Keep in touch with the teachers via email and make sure that they are bringing home all their work.
Getting organized is my son's downfall. I bought him a new binder with expandable file pockets for each of his subjects, but he went to a 3-ring binder with tabbed dividers instead. His school also provided all the kids with an organizer called an agenda. They are to write down homework assignments as soon as they receive them and then write down when they are due. He has been having math and spelling homework pretty regularly each week.
Another thing to consider is cooking or prepping meals ahead of time and freezing them until you are ready to eat them. This will probably take up most of a Saturday or Sunday, but it would make things much easier on you during the week. All the prep work has been done, all you have to do is heat them up or cook them.Or consider crock pot meals, too.
The last thing I would suggest is probably the least popular, but I have to share it because it worked for my aunt, who was in the exact same situation with my cousin. My aunt actually quit work for about 4 years to stay at home with her son, who was 10 at the time. He desperately needed her guidance and attention and she was able to get him back on track. He is now a sophmore at college majoring in music composition.
I also have a friend, a single mom of 2, who went through much the same thing you are, with transitioning from one job to the next within the company. She was promoted, and they never found anyone to fill the position that she was promoted from, so for about 2 years she ended up doing BOTH jobs full time. But finally she had panic attacks and feared that she was on the verge of a breakdown, and she decided that her kids needed her more than her employer did.
Even though you seem pretty sure that things at work will settle down eventually, it can't be soon enough for the kids. If you really have tried everything else and it hasn't worked, this may be the one thing left to try. At the very least, cut back on your hours and be home when the kids are home from school. Knowing you are there to support them might make all the difference in their performance.
Best of luck. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Do you know this kids motivation? What's his incentive for doing the work? For me it's fairly easy, my 11 year olds motivation/incentive is staying on the principals honor roll, all A's, so he has to do his work! Find your son's motivation and work from that. If he knows he will not have "abc" or go to "abc" unless homework is done on a regular basis that may prompt him?
Also, can you work a flex schedule at work maybe even Mon and Tues to get the week started off on the right foot? go in earlier to get home earlier, do some of the work from home? I know it's increasingly popular, and beneficial, to employers to offer these types of schedules to moms. I know you need and are enjoying your job, so quitting is not an option, but going to your boss with a sincere honest request may work in your favor?
And a final thought, can your bf do dinner rather than homework, that will free you up to walk in the door to fed kids, and only have to deal with homework etc. I know my kids CAN NOT and DO NOT function at any level if hungry so dinner for us does need to come BEFORE homework.
I firmly believe in TOUGH LOVE, and enforcing both positive and negative consequences for behavior. You say they mess around. Does that involve the TV or video games? Remove them from their reach. If the homework is done to your satisfaction, they can play with the games or watch TV when you get home. Lock the TV and games in your room. I agree about a later start for dinner. At this point schoolwork needs to be a priority. When you have checked that their assignments are finished, and done correctly, they can enjoy their evenings, but not before. If they are in extra curricular activities that they enjoy, use that as a motivator. Bad grades....no activities. Be consistent. That is the most important thing. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't threaten, and then fail to carry through. At this age they need to be responsible for their behavior, and accept the consequences for the failure to do what is expected of them.
Once again I have gotten great advice and we are working on the solutions! I received an email from his teacher and she thinks right now that the consequence at school will be that he has to stay after school to finish his work.
He's playing both her and me in regards too "she said I had to do it over again" when in reality he told her "I did it but I don't know where it is" or he'll tell me it got left at school and then tell her it got left at home.
For the meantime we've decided he needs to stay after school and finish everything during the week then come home and he will just have his music practice to do at home (Saxophone and recorder) as they are required for the grade he's in.
I want to thank everyone for their wonderful support and advice again...Tara I would love to email with you. This is so frustrating. I used to call home all the time to check on them and while I don't want to make excuses work has exploded in the last month or so and it's been well...downright awful and things have been sliding both there and at home
Cocoa I would love to quit work and stay home with my children (I was a stay at home parent for years) however financially it's just not feasible two incomes are required in our household. I don't think it's the least popular answer just not something I can realistically do.
Catherin, I understand. You need an income, and I didn't want to sound like a pushy sahm when I suggested it.
Maybe you could look at other ways to produce an income and still work part-time out of the home or part time from within the home. If the situation requires it, you can be creative.
You may just come to a point when you realize that you simply have too much on your plate. You may have to make a decision like this eventually. When you do, you know that you can always get more advice here!
With regard to him playing you against the teacher, it will definitely help if he sees that it doesn't work that way. It's as if the two different worlds (home and school) never intersect and the more separate they are the more he is able to get away with. It's up to you to tear down the barrier that he sees between you and the teacher, open up the lines of communication with the teacher, and let him know that you know EVERYTHING that goes on in school. Knowing that may force him to be more accountable in the future.
I have emailed my son's teacher at least once a week, sometimes more, since school started (just after Labor day.)
Best of luck.
I have only skimmed the replies, so don't know if this idea has been mentioned. Kids get up early and sit in school for 6.5 hours, with just a couple of short breaks. After that, they are sent home with way too much homework, in my opinion. It's so hard to expect them to sit and do it right after getting home from sitting for most of the day. What if you let them have free time when they get home, you put dinner in the crock pot, you eat when you get home, and then you work on homework together after dinner. Maybe, by that time, everyone will be ready to sit and get some productive work done.
I didn't think you sounded like a pushy sahm at all! I've been looking at "at home jobs" but realistically I need something that generates an income comparable to what I make now and I haven't found anything feasible. I do keep my eyes and ears open though
My sons teachers and I have started emails and phone calls regularily and today he seems to have done better (after I got home) although he says "I can't find my planner" so that's a problem.
Marcia I think that sounds like a great idea! I am working on dinners for my crockpot but so far I've only used it once earlier this week. I'm using it tomorrow to do pork chops in a mushroom sauce and I'm going to make garlic mashed potatoes with carrots.
What I need is a good recipe book for crockpots and then to plan all my dinner shopping around that it will definitely help.
I'm also trying to get my mornings together so I can go into work earlier and leave at 4:15 everyday and be home earlier too.
I struggled with my now 10 year old ds for years about getting his homework done in the evening. Whether it was afterschool, after snack, after dinner, etc. This year, grade 5, he decided he would rather do his homework in the am. So I wake him up 45 minutes earlier, he gets up, does his work (while I reset my alarm to wake up at the usual time or I lay in bed and watch the news), has his breakfast, etc.
Knock on wood, it is working out very well for him and me.
Missbookworm,
I'm sorry you're struggling!
Still, I couldn't help smiling when I read "I'm not home so they mess around and mess around and aren't taking any responsibility for their things." I thought my kids (ages 22 & 17) did that because I AM at home!
Seriously, though he still avoids chores, my 11 year old DS who avoided his homework has become a 17 year old schoolaholic who enrolls in extra classes. I'd like to say that it was my brilliant parenting, but I think it was mainly him maturing.
However, one thing did help: breaking things down into tasks and short work times with a reward at the end of each time. Example: 10 minutes on math (or 10 problems) followed by 10 minutes of Gameboy, then back to 10 minutes on math. My son now uses this technique without my prompting when he needs to plow through big assignments or lots of work.
I personally wouldn't try to tackle this when people are hungry.
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