Need advice for a friend
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2007:
Need advice for a friend
I have a very dear friend who is a SAHM with 2 little girls. (6 & 3) Last year, her DH admitted that he was doing drugs. He went to a clinic and was put on medication for drug users and was doing well for a fair amount of time.
Lately, he seems to be at it again. To give you an example, she went to Bible study on Sunday and he was supposed to care for the girls. When she came home, he was in bed asleep and he asked her where she was because he had been looking for her for 2 hours. She was livid.
Sometimes, he comes home late and his eyes are barely open, if you know what I mean. She also found out that he got a credit card and ran it up to $18,000.00 in order to stock his business. When she goes into the store, she really doesn't see where the $18,000.00 went. My thought are that he is stealing from his own store to support his habit. Also, the store is only making about half the money it used to and they are barely making their bills.
She really doesn't want to go out to work because his hours are long and he works six days a week. She really feels that the girls need a stable parent around.
I find myself worrying about her, and I want to tell her to leave him before things get really ugly. Sometimes, he seems so with it that she gets happy and thinks that everything is going to be fine. I think that she is grasping at straws, and "celebrating" his good moments too much, because his good moments are like he should be all the time.
I am going over there for a play date/visit today, and I know she will want to talk about her situation. (I'll just listen) Moreso than loosing her marriage (she is basically a single mother anyway), I am worried that her financial situation will go from bad to worse and cause her a lot more stress than she deserves.
I'd appreciate any advice. I also want to add that this has been going on since their first was born and she discontinued working at their business to stay home. Do you think I need to offer to watch her little girl while the other one is in school so she can work at the store 2 days a week?
I think she just needs to get out...her girls' safety should come first. Maybe you can help her with babysitting when she leaves him, so that she can work to support herself and the girls. What a sad situation. 
"I also want to add that this has been going on since their first was born and she discontinued working at their business to stay home"
What I mean by that is that there have been a lot of different little and big things that have gone on since their first was born. I suspect that he was doing drugs even then. But she also noticed a few calls he made to his ex, and some other financial secrets.
IMO she should not work at the store, but get a stable job. Children's well being goes beyond having a stay home parent sometimes, and this is a perfect case for mom gaining financial security away from dad, this includes the family business.
If you are willing to watch the little one without pay that is a blessing to her, but don't feel like you have to come in and "Save" things, offering her emotional support will be hard enough, but getting thick into with her may put a hard strain on your family. Something you need to weigh.
I have been going through a similar situation with a friend of mine, her dh is an alcoholic. She has three kids 9,5 and 4, she made the decision to go back to teaching and put the little one in a home day care so she can start building a life outside of him if it comes to that, which it most likely will. I too was tempted to offer to take the 4 y/o at no charge, since I work from home and have a 3 y/o with me, but we talked at great length and both agreed that our friendship would suffer. We swap kids quite frequently and that gives us both the time we need with little obligation of "more". I hope that makes sense.
I know this is very hard on you too, keep strong and low on the opinions with her, she most likely just needs a sounding board
Wow, Your friend needs to get herself into counseling because every excuse she is using shows that she is a co dependent.
Her fears and wants as to what her life was supposed to be(stay at home mom, one example) went out the door the day her husband decided that using had more of a value to him then the security and the safety of his family. How much stability is she offering those kids, when a 6 year old is in charge of a 3 year old because dad is passed out? How much stability is she offering them, when she has no way of knowing how much he has spent on his drug of choice and how much he is in debt to the dealer?
BIL's are both crack addicted and both have dug themselves in so deep with their addiction that they are destroying the lives of the people around them. This can be extremely serious and your friend really needs to get herself into a support system so that she can get out when she is ready. They can teach her ways to give him a choice, they can also help her find her options.
And just an FYI, If one of those kids get hurt in his care and they can prove that he is addicted and that she was aware of it when she left them in his care she can be brought up on charges of neglect.
//She really doesn't want to go out to work because his hours are long and he works six days a week. She really feels that the girls need a stable parent around.//
The kids need a stable environment. Staying with her husband and saying that is like claiming people are better on a sinking ship with a stable captian then they would be climbing aboard a lifeboat.
I just came back from her house.
When I showed up, and we started talking, I noticed that she is very confused. She started out by saying that everything is alright because she had a talk with him and made him promise not to come home like that anymore. (out of it) He apparently admitted that he had bought sleeping pills and was taking 4 at a time because of anxiety. Later on she looked through his gym bag and didn't find any sleeping pills so I am inclined to think that he is not taking sleeping pill, but smoking marijuania or worse. But her conversation went from, "things will be ok", to "I don't know what to do" to "he's a good guy" to "I don't want the girls to see him like that" Etc.................
I'm worried, but I think you all are right. All I can be for her now is a sounding board. I definitely don't want to start babysitting for her only to have her flip-flopping back and forth with him. When/if she breaks free, it is going to have to be a commitment on her part. And yes, Bobbie, I think she is being co-dependent and does need counseling. The best thing I can do for her right now is to pray for her and be a listening ear. Thanks, ladies for your input.
You are correct, "The best thing I can do for her right now is to pray for her and be a listening ear." IF she doesn't make the connection between his choices and the effects on her family. IF she doesn't see that he is making a choice, he does still know right from wrong no matter how addicted he is, however that doesn't mean he will do right. Then she will flip flop until she is pushed to the point of having no choice and all you are going to do is cause issues in your own life by trying to help her. It is sad to watch, but you and your family have to come first. IF you see her or her children in danger, then it might be time to call CPS.. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that.
I still say she needs to get involved with a support group for co dependency or at least go to a few support groups for families of addicts.
But anyway, we are here, with an ear and I am sure you know that. She is lucky to have a friend who cares. 
If he is "just taking" sleeping pills, it will work it self back up to other things but I am sure you know this.
Agree with what the others have said, but to add to Bobbie's last sentence - anyone who is dependent on drugs or alcohol will need higher quantities to get the same effects/reactions if they use them daily. That's a classic sign of an addict. And, not to get on my soapbox here, but addicts will do ANYTHING to get money for their drugs, etc., INCLUDING stealing from the family, friends and business associates, and lying to them to cover their tracks.
Drug addiction can ruin lives - it destroys families and relationships. Your friend needs to make the safety and well-being of her kids AND herself her No. 1 priority. Leaving the situation she is in will be hard on her, and yes, will take a HUGE committment on her part. She will definitely need someone to lean on, and the best thing you can do is be there for her.
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