I've always felt like I pretty much have it together when it comes to things but the past couple of weeks I feel so out of control when it comes to parenting. My son is six and boy does he have a mouthy mouth here lately and I feel like I'm always getting on to him. I work 12 hour shifts at night and he stays with my mom and his mouthiness is getting to her too.

For you single parents, do you have any tips/advice, etc on money management, dealing with exs, dating, parenting, juggling house/work/me time/his time and trying to have a life outside of work and home?

The world is so "family oriented" as in the traditional mom/dad/kids that it sometimes is really hard to feel like we're not outcasts. It's hard to find resources that give advice to single parents and just get into touch with people who have been or are there.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, September 28, 2007 - 07:10 am:

I started being a single parent after 19 years of marriage, with three boys aged 15, 10 and 9. So here's what I learned.

Housework: Prioritize. You really don't need to mop the kitchen every day if the floor is not sticky or showing dirt. Don't wear/get clothes that need ironing - at least for your son and for yourself if you can. Keep baskets in each room to dump stuff in when you do a quick run-through at the end of your day and sort it out once a week. Sort toys and put a large portion of them away - the ones that aren't used very often - to cut down on the picking up. Dusting once a week will do just fine.

Your mouthy son - he is probably picking it up at school and trying it out to see if he can get away with it. (The timing seems right - you say it's the last couple of weeks that you feel things are not so together - maybe right after school started??) So stomp on it quickly. Tell him he will treat you and your mom with respect and each time he is disrespectful he loses a privilege and make a list of privileges he will start losing. And stick to it. Making threats of punishment is just like making promises - don't make promises you don't intend to keep. When he mouths off tell him that he is being disrespectful and will be punished. And, my guess is that he may not understand the meaning of some of the words/phrases he is using or may not understand why they are disrespectful, so explain why they are disrespectful the first time he uses each word/phrase and punish the next time.

And, he must do what he's told when he's told to do it (like coming to the table for dinner, picking up his toys, getting ready for bed) or again, discipline of losing privileges, TV time, playing outside time, etc.)

At all times, with children, don't argue with them. Just lay it out - this is what you are doing that is wrong/disrespectful/disobedient, this is what is going to happen, end of discussion. If you argue, you are putting you and the child on an equal footing and you are not equal - you are the parent, with the responsility of raising a decent person, and he is the child being raised. You and mom have to discuss this and work out how you are jointly going to handle this and all other disciplinary matters so that he can't play one off against the other. Don't yell, keep your voices calm, and above all, don't argue. You were told to do/not do X, and you did/didn't do X, and this is what is going to happen - end of story. Arguing/yelling from him is more disrespect and adds to the discipline. But you stay adult, not yelling, not calling names, and so on. If you want him to treat you and mom with respect, you have to treat him with respect and be the model.

And of course, "all the other kids get to/ none of the other kids have to" cuts no ice. You are not "all the other kids", you are my son and in our family these are the rules. Period.

Money management - that's hard. Every book or column I've read says keep a diary for two weeks to a month of every penny you spend and what you spend it on. That will give you a clear list of what you must spend and where you can cut back. For example, McDonalds or other fast food is a luxury, not a necessity, and should probably be an occasional treat. For years, my kids shirts, coats, and sometimes pants came from thrift shops - but not shoes, underwear or socks. And I bought a lot of my clothes - blouses, dresses and skirts - from thrift shops. Kids' clothing is so expensive and they grow so fast. Hospital thrift shops are very good, because the clothes are often from the families of doctors and hospital execs and are good brands and good quality. Check the yellow pages for thrift/resale shops, and see if you can check out some that are for hospitals or in nearby suburbs. I even did pretty well with shops nearby me, which was sort of inner city.

I made popsicles from Koolaid or fruit juice, gave my kids Koolaid instead of soda for both thrift and diet reasons (and you don't have to use a full cup of sugar when you make Koolaid - I think I used about 2/3 of a cup). Casseroles stretch meat further (thus are cheaper) and you can make one that will work for two meals, which also cuts down on cooking time/housework.

When your son says "I want", just say "we can't afford it". I used to put the cost of things in terms of gallons of milk or loaves of bread or pairs of jeans for my sons - they understood that better than in terms of dollars. My parents were poor and I always hated not having the things my schoolmates had, but I didn't know we were poor. With my sons, I sat down with them a couple of times a year and went over finances in a "macro" sort of way. This is what I get paid every month; this is what is taken out for taxes; this is the rent, this is the utilities, this is car and house insurance, this is groceries. This is what is left to buy clothes, gas for the car, and everything else (so-called dicretionary or disposable income). The first couple of times they were amazed at how much of my income went for things that were totally non-discretionary. And they stopped saying "buy me" so often.

Dealing with your ex. Mine was decent, but not much on fathering, so the only way visitation was an issue was that it almost never happened. Child support was paid faithfully. Will your ex agree that neither of you criticizes the other in front of your son? That's so important, because the worst thing that can happen to your son is to feel he is in the middle and is always being asked to take sides. Try really, really hard to speak neutrally of your ex. When my sons asked why daddy didn't see them or call them, I had to say, I don't know, why don't you call him. So I never had to deal with visitation issues or an ex who bad-mouthed me to the boys, or having two different disciplinary systems, etc. Other moms here have, and may be able to offer experiences and advice.

Dating - with three sons, I didn't do much. And with you working the night shift, that doesn't help.

I can tell you that my sons and I survived and by and large they have fairly good memories of the good times and don't talk about the bad times. They are all good men, they all like me and love me, and I find them all likeable and loveable people.

By Tarable on Friday, September 28, 2007 - 02:30 pm:

I was single for about 5 years when my girls were from the ages of 1.5 to 8 (they are 2 years apart). Ginny has great advice on how to handle discipline and money.

As for dating, well that is a really hard thing, I actually ended up marrying one of my best friends after knowing him and having him around the girls for about 2 years. There was no real "dating".

My ex is religious about child support and has become that way about visitation since he got custody of his son from his third marriage (I was the first wife). And the best thing I ever did was stop making excuses for him when he wasn't going to see them, I just started having them call him or told him he had to tell them.

I hope your ex has the same parenting style as you do because my DDs have totally different rules when they go to their dad's house. He lets them do almost anything they want.

Good luck! Also I did find that during those years that my ex wasn't around much and before I got married my girls were alway really interested in other male role models, like my dad and my best friend that is now my DH.

If you ever need to talk my email is tarable 2 at gmail dot com.