DD has 2 very good friends the "Best" friend she has known since daycare at 9 months old, a couple years ago they aquired another girl to make a threesome and they all do sleepovers togeher and consider themselves all best friends. I like the third girls parents fine, but we are actually friends with dd's 1st best friends parents, We have done a couple trips with them in the past, Skiing and NYC and we occasionally have dinner and we get invited to things like their son's Bar mitzvah. 1st best friend and her mom and dd and I are going to WDW for a week over Columbus day. We told the girls not to talk about it much but to tell the other friend b/c she'd know when they weren't at school. Tonight 1st BF and DD and I were at the grocery store getting a movie and ran into 2nd BF and her mom it was a little uncomfortable and I think the little girl and her mom were both upset. We just said Hi and chatted a bit we didn't say why dd and 1st Bf were together. She is spending the night and they are working on some t shirts for their trip. The girls felt bad too but what can I do? I suggested we plan something for all of them soon and that they tell
their friend on Monday, this was a unplanned thing as 1st bf's parents had to go somewhere, that is true and 1st BF has spent the night before with 2nd BF with out my dd, because her parents had something going on. I know people have the right to do what they want with who they want but I hate and so do the girls to make this friend feel bad. Any suggestions? I am thinking of just calling the mom to see if her dd is upset and letting her know it wasn't a planned thing her dd was left out of. Of maybe just do nothing? They are 10.

By Dana on Saturday, September 22, 2007 - 08:13 pm:

Maybe a call to BF#2 mother to explain how awkward this situation and you wanted to just make sure the little girl isn't feeling left out. And then just answer questions if the mom asks them, and just give those answers? And end with some special plans that include BF#2.

Hopefully BF#2 mother understands it's just part of life and knows where you are coming from.

I have no idea.

By Kate on Saturday, September 22, 2007 - 10:25 pm:

I wouldn't think the grocery store thing is such an issue, but the WDW one will sure be. I'd be surprised if the threesome survives that one. Those two will have the excitement of planning it and experiencing it and then remembering it. Does the third mom know about this trip yet? Cause THAT is why I would think she was uncomfortable with running into you. I understand your DD was friends with the first child first, and that they have the advantage of the parents being good friends, but I do think it will end up destroying the threesome. That's okay...they will probably all still be friends and all, but the whole 'best friend' thing can't survive when the third one is excluded from the big things, like Disney vacations. So my point here is to expect the awkwardness and to probably warn your DD that that may happen and it's really nobody's fault. I wouldn't call the other girl's mother to discuss this at all, I'd just call to arrange a playdate or excursion. Perhaps it could be just your DD and the second best friend so the mom is reminded that it's okay to do twosome stuff, too. Good luck....sounds very difficult.

By Kym on Saturday, September 22, 2007 - 10:33 pm:

HOw old are they? My ds is 11 and two years ago a group of 3 boys moved from a private school to his and entered his class room, the 4 of them are GREAT friends, do everything together. However the other 3 families have been friends for over 10 years and vacation together several times a year. We have explained that to ds, that these are all good freinds, just like our family friends, they are not excluding him, they are continuing what they've always done. Same as your situation. So....imo, it's not your responsibility to do or say anything to 3rd freind, her family needs to let her know that nothing is out of sorts. If anything, you could call her mom and let her know you are sensitive to the situation.
My son is fine with all of this, he does ask if we can go with them, and I explain that we have our own set of travelling/vacationing friends, and we will try to coordinate it with his buddies families at some point and that has been enough for him.

By Kym on Saturday, September 22, 2007 - 10:35 pm:

Just noticed, you had said they were 10

By Mommmie on Saturday, September 22, 2007 - 11:45 pm:

Can you take the 3rd girl with you to Disney? That might be a fun trip for the 3 of them.

By Rayelle on Saturday, September 22, 2007 - 11:59 pm:

I would call the 3rd girls mom. That way, she can explain things to her daughter so she won't take it personally. I know at 10, I would have analyzed everything I'd done to death wondering if I'd done something. But, i had some pretty negative experinces with friends at that age. I hope it all works out and they stay bffs.

By Melissa on Sunday, September 23, 2007 - 06:51 am:

I did call the mom, and she said she was glad I called and she would check with her dd to see if she was ok about it. The WDW thing really isn't a problem, as 2nd Bf goes to WDW a lot with her family and they aren't the type to want her to go with out them ( I wouldn't be either at this age) and also she has close siblings so there would be that reason too. In fact 2nd BF just got back from WDW. So I am glad I called, I'd rather just deal with something than wonder if I should have.

By Karen~admin on Sunday, September 23, 2007 - 09:57 am:

Ditto Kate.

And if you want a little BTDT perpsective:

I've raised 2 girls.
Rule #1: Girls can be catty.
Rule #2: Always have an even number of girls present, odd numbers don't work, as girls tend to *pair off*.
Rule #3: Best friends change more often as girls get older.
LOL

Seriously though..................

You are going to encounter these situations from time to time, or even often. I understand your feeling badly for the 3rd girl - after all, at some point, the 3rd girl *could* be YOUR DD, depending on situations and circumstances - so I applaud you for your sensitivity. But with girls, 2 *best friends* seems to function better than a group of 3 or even 4. Girls are all about drama, and cattiness and even hypocrisy and criticism. Now, before you take offense, just hear me out - please.

I *inherited* my 1st DD to raise when she was 10. We went through similar situations, just as you described above. I have to warn you, teen years bring changes, both in personalities, maturity, recreational likes and dislikes, and best friends. Teenage girls are the worst, IMO. I am NOT saying your DD OR her current best friend are *bad* people, but really, you need to expect changes as they get older.

I experienced the same things with Jen. There will be hurt feelings, crying, feelings of being left out, arguments, they will swear they will never speak to so-and-so again. I think it's part of the cycle of growing up.

So, my point is, you can't expect a group of girls to ALWAYS do everything together, therefore, you can't feel guilty or badly for the other girls when they are not included. They will do things together that the other girls aren't a part of.

Circumstances will affect these social activities as well. As these girls grow and age, their interests are going to change. Where now, BF #1 and 2 have more in common, have known each other long, have a stronger bond, in 2 years, BF #1 and 3 may have more in common. Or it may be BF #2 and 3, leaving your DD the odd man out.

It's painful to watch, but the only thing you can do about it is encourage DD to be open to OTHER friendships.

Sleepovers/slumber parties - learned the hard way, ALWAYS have an even number of girls! LOL But I'm really being serious - witnessed the situation way too many times, girls pair off, keep to themselves, giggle, gossip, etc., and the odd girl is left out on the fringes, alone, with hurt feelings, wanting to go home.

I'm probably irritating you with all of this detail, but as I said, I've BTDT twice, and my girls were 13 years apart in age and the situtations at each age growing up were EXACTLY the same.

Back to your original problem - again, I ditto Kate, but I think you handled the situation with tact and grace.

By Karen~admin on Sunday, September 23, 2007 - 12:00 pm:

Guess I should clarify: above I was referring to BF #1 as YOUR DD, and #2 and #3 as the other girls. LOL

By Dana on Sunday, September 23, 2007 - 12:06 pm:

Glad you called. At least the air is cleared and no need to feel like you were trying to hide anything.

You are lucky to have parents that are realistic and act like adults

By Tink on Sunday, September 23, 2007 - 01:08 pm:

Karen is dead-on right! I have already seen this with my oldest dd and my mom and I have talked about the power of an odd number of girls. It also seems that girls have a tendancy to form groups of odd numbers but pair off within those groups. My best friends were a group of 3 in elementary and junior high and a group of 5 in high school. My sister was in a group of 5 and my dd is in a group of 3 now. It will seem as if your dd plays "musical best friends" over the next 8-10 years.

I think you handled this situation perfectly. I'm glad to hear there weren't hurt feelings now and that the lines of communication are open between all three girls and the moms. That may prevent some of the hurt feelings in the future.

By Vicki on Sunday, September 23, 2007 - 02:18 pm:

I would ditto Karens post too.