Making friends
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2007:
Making friends
I feel like such a child posting this but I'm having a really hard time making friends in our new neighborhood. We moved a year and a half ago and my kids attend the local school. I walk them to their classrooms and pick them up at the door each day, attend the PTC meetings and volunteer in their classrooms and at fundraisers.
I see many of the same moms over and over and we're friendly to each other but I haven't made any friends in the last 18 months. I'm not the best at making small talk but there are several moms that I've enjoyed talking to when the opportunity comes up but I don't know how to take it beyond that. I go to work right after dropping the kids off so I can't suggest getting coffee. My dh works in the evenings so I can't offer to go out to dinner or walking after dinner with them either. Our kids are old enough that we can't take them to the park and chat while they play.
I feel so socially inept and I used to make friends pretty easily! Any suggestions on how to get past this?
I'm in the same boat. We moved here about a year and a half ago also and other than the occasional "hi" "bye" with the neighbors, we don't really know them. I belong to a mommy group and I talk to mommy's there and that's it. I talk to some moms when I drop off ds at school or when he's at his sports and that's it. I can't really go out either, on account of dh's job, so I can't really make a book night or girl's night type thing. I just try to make the best of it by really enjoying the times I get to talk to moms.
The only thing I can think of it maybe trying something on the weekend. Or how about inviting a mom or two over to your house in the evening, since you can't go out. Invite them over for cofee or tea. Start small.
(And maybe I should take my own advice. lol)
I must be tired. I can't even spell coffee correctly. lol
I have much the same problem, but mine is more or less by choice. I seem to attract people with lots of problems, and a few years ago I was burned badly by a woman whom I thought was my best friend. Her problems were more important to her than our friendship was.
I have found that it is easier to make friends with my son's friends' parents, but I am very cautious. I don't want to get wrapped up in anyone else's problems again.
Ds has one good friend whose parents I have spent a couple of afternoons with, and they invited dh and I over for a cookout in July. At first it seemed to be a promising friendship, but now it seems that he is a weekend alcoholic and she apparently isn't much for company any other time. Most of the time if I take my son over to her house to play in the afternoon, she usually isn't even out of her pajamas yet. (She is a SAHM, too.) Red flag-- they have problems, and I had better let them handle them in their own way, so I only stay and chat a while and then leave.
Actually, my hubby is my best friend. I talk on the phone a lot with my MIL and my mom, and occasionally my grandma, an aunt, and a cousin. We occasionally go out with one of dh's coworkers and her dh, so I am happy with my social life just the way it is.
If I were you, I wouldn't try too hard to make friends. It may happen on its own, and when it does, use good judgment and hopefully the new friend will be one worth keeping.
Does your town have a Newcomer's Club? Mine does, and it has been a lot of fun.
http://www.newcomersclub.com/
It is difficult to make new friends. My son just started a new school - but he's in first grade and I can get together with the moms while the kids play.
What about finding someone who is a Pampered Chef consultant or something like that (partylight, southen living, etc) and hosting a party?
Or - just having a one or two over over on a weekday afternoon after school. This way your kids would be able to hang out with their kids (do homework or whatever kids their age do together) and you could have some light snacks for the moms.
The bigest thing you need is the confidence to just go for it!
Ame
I have found that the older you get, the harder it becomes to make friends, and especially *true* friends. When we're kids/young adults in school, we are thrown into a situation with our peers, some of whom have very similar interests as our own, and we gravitate to those people, or to people who *touch* us in some way.
As we grow older, especially once we have kids, our lives center around different things, and many (most) of us, have less contact with the friends we already have, let alone bonding with people in a new situation where you just don't know anyone. When I was working full time, had 4 kids at home, I felt like I had NO friends to lean on. The ideal situation would have been to bond with some moms of the kids J & J knew. However, it's just not as easy as it was *back in the day*.
I don't know what the solution is. I wish every community had something like the newcomers club Trina mentioned. IMO, when you reach a certain age, everyone is so wrapped up in their lives, they simply don't have the time and energy to cultivate/devote to a friendship, since they are giving everything they have to their family.
A situation I had when Jen was 4 (?): The mom of a girl she was in pre-K with and also in dance class with was pregnant again. Jen and her DD enjoyed playing together. The mom was going through a lot - in addition to being pregnant, her (D)H had left her, so obviously she had a lot to deal with. I bent over backwards to offer to help her out. I extended invitations to her to join us for activities for the kids, but also gave us an opportunity to get to know each other and possibly become friends. She shut me down at every corner. In the end, it became too much of an effort. I was the one reaching out to her all of the time, and she was constantly rejecting my efforts, and I felt like she used me, when it was convenient for her, when she needed help with her DD. I gave up on that potential friendship - no one needs a *friend* who is only friendly when you're doing them favors.
I know I've been long-winded, but this is a topic I've discussed with other people several times recently.
I think you have to aggressively reach out to people, and if you are shy by nature, it takes a huge effort on your part. If you can suggest activities that give the moms an opportunity to talk while the kids play, then that's a plus. It's just not the same as when we were all younger, you have to work harder to get to know the *real* person, and the bottom line is, all of us have families now that are our top priorities, so the mental/emotional attention and time is basically given to them. Maybe you can suggest a quick lunch out - just the moms - or a shopping trip when it's necessary to get stuff for the kids for school - that way you have the option of falling back on the kids for conversation, but it also gives you the opportunity to see a little more of the other mom's personality. Get involved in school activities or events, and offer to work with another mom on something. That gives you an excuse to spend time with her, getting to know her.
Sorry for being so long, I've just done SOO much thinking about this. I think the bottom line is, you have to be consistent, you have to force yourself to try to schedule activities where you can be with the other moms and get to know them. Offer to watch another mom's child if she has plans to do something or an appointment, and tell her *Hey, I can help you out here, do you think you could help me out when I need to go do XXXXX?* It's NOT easy, don't expect too much too soon. But as the saying goes, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am to know that I'm not the only adult who's dealt with this. My dh is very shy and still makes friends easily and is always invited to go play a round of golf, out for a drink after work, over to work out tattoo designs. I've felt fairly isolated for the last year and a half and there are several women I'd like to get to know better.
Nancy, my dh works weekends and I always feel like I'm imposing on others' family time during the evenings. My dh is also starting up a new business so much of his free time is spent on that. Ame, the home party thing does not go over well here much anymore. Since I don't know these women well, I think they might be offended and feel that I just expect to make money off them. Trina, we don't have anything like that here and this is my hometown but I've moved to a completely different area.
Karen, I feel like you reached into my head and wrote everything I feel much more eloquently that I did. We've moved into an old-money area of town and many of the families have lived here for generations so some of them are so close-knit that it's hard to break in. On top of not wanting to infringe on family time and not being outgoing most of the time, I don't want to make my friendship a burden on anyone and don't want someone's friendship to be a burden on me, due to drama or time constraints, etc. I need to find some way to take your advice but I'm definitely one of those people that this does NOT come easily to!
You know, my dks were so worried about making friends at their new school last year and not one of them had any trouble. I never gave it a second thought and was looking forward to making some neighborhood friends and I can't seem to make it happen at all!
You're not alone! I also have found that the older you get the harder it is to make friends at all, let alone "true" friends. I find that most mom groups are already established and don't have much room for a newcomer. I also can be quiet in new situations, where I used to be SO outgoing in every situation, so it can be difficult. I don't need a LOT of friends, but would just like a few GOOD friends.
Just wanted to say that I hear you! You're not alone. 
A Hobby! Find a hobby and you will be around people with the same interests as you. I have had a switch of friends that came after I decided to do a triathlon, and it attracted a gal that I have known for years but never did anything with, we started training together and are great freinds now, and our kids get along, same soccer teams, same class etc, so we are able to combine family as well as get just girl time together.
Hope that helps.
And Lisa I have BTDT, I felt for about 3 years I could only attract very needy freinds, I too am guarded against people that are "conflict driven" in my terms, I have found that by surrounding myself with only positive people by choice has made a huge difference on me!
I have the same problem, Tink. I have recently made a friend (the first in five years) at an educational event for our dd. Her dd and mine hit it off immediately, so I started talking with her mom. Otherwise, I would have never met her. We get together on occasion so the girls can see each other and we have become better aquainted. She's an introvert like myself, so she understands that we don't need to get together often. Like you, I don't want a friendship to be a burden, either way. I understand where you are coming from completely. Before dd came along, I made friends through work, so staying home has posed a challenge.
I don't have any advice, but please know you aren't alone. I'm so glad we have this group and can be honest with each other. We are a special group of friends!:-)
I've had the same problem! It seems that I have no problem meeting guy friends but that tends to be more of a problem then it's worth! Inevitably unless they're gay they eventually put the moves on you! I've stopped trying to make guy friends even though it's the group I'm most comfortable with (I have 7 brothers and spent my life around guys) and I think that's a big part of it.
However I have tried to make female friends repeatedly and only one has stayed true through everything I've gone through. How fickle I find women to be! lol
A suggestion. I put a post on craigslist asking strictly that question...why it's so hard to meet/make women friends. I only got 3 responses! One dropped out after the first two emails but two have stuck with it and one of them I'm meeting in person; hopefully tomorrow. The other one I have tentative plans with. I don't know if this is something to consider and of course the risks are there as with almost anything, but it's an idea. You can basically say this is who I am...this is what my values are etc. and see what happens. Relatively even though the risks are there it's fairly safe. So far we have only emailed and one of them is a doula and a christian and they're both moms with children so that's great! I can't say I may have made long time friends but I'm putting myself out there and with a completely hectic busy life that's one way to go about it! I agree with those who said get involved in things you like (not that I have that sort of time) but it's one way to do it although it hasn't worked for me. Also, find a parenting group of mom's with children your age or check out yahoo groups. I know where I live there is a group of stay at home mom's who get together regularily with their children. I had joined the group but all their get togethers never coordinated with my availability *sigh*
Good luck and let us know how it goes! Sounds like we're all pretty much in the same place!
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