Having more kids...LONG
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Having more kids...LONG
I guess I just want to talk about this, so this will probably seem like rambling. Right now I'm going anon because I already have issues with how I feel and am not ready to reveal that I do! Our child is over 3, we are a very happy family. Married several years before deciding to have a baby, I've always said I only wanted one. I was the person who wasn't even sure if I wanted one, basically because my life was wonderful to begin with. Very satisfied, very successful, very happy sans kids. Having our one is the biggest joy of my life and the best bonus to life, however, and I'm so glad we did it.
Now, second baby discussions are coming up rather frequently. DH would like to have another for the sake of our first child, not necessarily because he's dying to just have. I also think it would be wonderful for our child, no arguments there. When I'm around babies, small children, I feel baby fever like crazy for that time. Once they're gone and I come home, I'm so happy that I have a mature, fairly independent child, that I sleep all night, that I have free time, and that we can do fun things as a family without all the "housekeeping" (diapers, bottles, naps, etc.) I also am very routine-oriented and love our whole set-up. I don't have a desire to have another baby, I truly do not. I loved being pregnant - loved it! It's not about that. I do hate the aftermath on my body over the last few years. I look fine, but out-of-shape compared to pre-baby, simply from the lack of time. IN the last 6-8mths though, I've gotten back on track and am feeling so much better about myself. Thinking about doing THAT all over again makes me ill.
I really love having only one child. I love that we will financially be able to do more for her, spend more time with her, and have the option of a private education if we choose that route. With 2, I'm fairly certain that wouldn't be possible, and I LIKE that option. I just truly am happy with our family as it is right now. I also don't love the idea of being home from work for another minimum of 5 years, more likely 6. (If I got pregnant quickly) Mostly financial - I miss the freedom of the second income.
My fears are that I will regret not having another one - not for myself but for my current child. (That sounded funny, didn't it?!) I'm afraid that I will look at him/her in the next 10 years and regret that there's no one to grow up with. Cousins are around, but a minimum of 6 years older. Live way out, not in a neighborhood, and have no plans to ever move into a subdivision where neighbors would be playing together. Those things worry me. I want to do what's right for my child - it's really the most important thing to me - but where do the lines of best for me/best for him-her cross? I don't want to have a baby that I truly don't want. No, I would never regret a baby if I were pregnant right this minute. I would be thrilled with it because once they're here, you all know that all that goes away. But I also know that I would feel resentment that I was pressured into motherhood when I really didn't want to do it again.
I feel tremendous pressure, but it's internal mostly. I feel pressure because I worry about doing what's best for my current child, and I know that although DH doesn't pressure at all, he feels that most likely it's the best thing to do. He doesn't want to have regrets and I understand that. He will be the first to tell you that having another baby is not his primary goal in life, but he could get used to it because he thinks it might be the best for current child.
I'm so conflicted about it and tired of thinking about it. I keep saying to myself - I don't WANT another baby, I don't want to do all the things that go with it. I want to continue to focus on my precious ONLY child. I don't want to give up the things we've gotten back as current child has grown, like time (my own and with DH), sleep, and energy.
On the flip side, I feel completely inadequate as a woman that I don't want to have another child. I feel like a freak of nature. If DH came home today and said he was going to get a V (which he will do at some point) I wouldn't feel any release of the pressure. I would just think 'I hope we're doing the right thing'. I'd say the same thing to myself if we got pregnant, too. What in the world does that mean?????
Any thoughts are appreciated. This is mostly a vent I guess, just to get some things off my chest. Thanks.
And after all that, I forgot to say that we're feeling the pressure together (DH and I) because if we were prego at this moment (which we are not) our current child would be 4 before the next one was born. We both think that's about the max for time between kids. It's almost do or die! Neither of us is getting any younger, and being on one income is stressful at times, especially when planning for college for ONE, let alone two. Plus retirement, school, ...you all know!
I don't know if I should say this or not, but I know who you are. You have posted several times saying you planned on just your one child and would never have more. You've also posted many times showing how very much you love and adore your child, and you are even similar to me in NEEDING to be home with your child and not liking to use babysitters and feeling bad about 'sending child away' to school, etc. So despite those similarities, I will admit that it always surprised and saddened me that you didn't plan to have more. If you truly don't want more, then I guess you shouldn't have more. However, life happens and what would you do if something happened to your child? I would die if I didn't have more than one child as I couldn't go on living except for my other child! And while it is all well and good to be out of the diapers and sleepless nights, in the scheme of thing those days are gone in a MINUTE compared to the whole lifetime of love and relationship you get with your children. YES, I CLEARLY remember the sleepless nights and the chaos and the messes and the potty training and all of that....but as you know it is well worth it!! And you know what? I kinda miss it...I'd have another baby in an instant if I could guarantee it would be a healthy girl....but, well.... Anyway, your child or children will be independent for almost their and your whole lifetime...those few years of dependency pale in comparison, and IMO are far more precious.
My brother in law is an only child and if my sister didn't have three siblings her children would have no cousins...no aunts or uncles....that's really sad!! And who on earth would babysit??? I NEED my siblings to babysit as I don't trust anyone else except my mother! Think what a disadvantage you'll put your one child at when looking for their own babysitter years from now!! Also, someday your one and only child will have to deal with you and your husband's aging and death...and how very difficult that will be for that child...and how very lonely...and how terrifying to be making tough decisions alone without a sibling in the same boat to help. Your child may never marry....or your child may be widowed young....you're narrowing your child's circle by not giving a sibling who can provide his or her own love, as well as a spouse (brother or sister in law) and nieces and nephews...
It is, of course, your decision. You've already said you would love a new baby no matter what. Three or four years after the birth of a second child you will be right back where you are now with the easy life and independent children, only you'll have double the joy and your child will have a built in companion for life. I truly think it's the greatest gift you could give your current child. And you both are fantastic parents!!! As for your job you left and your desire for a second income and private time and more energy...again, it's a blink of an eye in comparison to a lifetime of another child to love.
Oh, and you double your chances for grandchildren. 
If you really will feel pressured and resentful, don't do it. But do you really feel you will?? I'm not sure you'd be here feeling all this out if you weren't sure deep down that you would really be okay with all of this.
I hope I haven't upset you or anything....I just truly have always marveled at your proclamations of not having more kids because you are just such a natural mother!!
Well, I will likely ramble too, but here it goes.
I was in much the same boat as you are at one time. The big differnece is we had to do fertility treatments to get dd. It took us about 4 years to conceive her. I do know in my heart that if we could have gone about things the normal way, we would have had more. That being said, dd is an only and always will be! I just couldn't go through all the time and emotional dedication it took to conceive again.
Now, I do sometimes wish I would have sucked it up and tried again. Dd will be 13 in December, so it isn't even an option now. It isn't going to happen. But, I do think dd would be a totally different child if she had a sibling. She can sometimes be a bit shy and backward with new situations. I think that if she had a sibling, she would be more brave to try new things because there would always be someone there to try them with, if that makes any sense. I also have felt bad in the past that if dh and/or I are involved in something, she was almost always on her own. I would be busy with something and look over and see her doing something alone and it would hit me. GUILT! LOL It also feels like we almost always have kids over. I do it so she does have someone, but let me tell ya, it gets tiring always having others kids around. LOL
I do believe that you have to do what is right with YOU and not try to figure out what might be best for your child. You are the one who is going to have at least 18 years of time and money invested in another child. And to be honest, they may fight like cats and dogs and not get along at all. Kind of defeats the purpose of having another one for company! LOL
I do wonder though...are you so undecided about this because you really don't want another child, or because you are so set in your ways? Are you nervous that you couldn't possibly love another as much as you love the current one? Are you worried about the current one feeling slighted or less loved? These are things that I thought about too...
But, you have to remember that the really hard part only lasts about a year. After that, it gets sooo much easier. At least in my experience. Think about all the joy another could bring. As much as you have loved watching your precious only grow and develop, you could watch with another child. I promise you that you can love 2 kids equally. LOL I am a second child and I never felt less loved than my brother my either of my parents. LOL
I think you just need to take an honest look at your feelings and try to figure out why you feel that way. It might not feel like it now, but as your current child grows up and need/wants you less and less, you might start to regret not having another.
There is no right or wrong answer, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about everything and then make a decision.
I don't know if I should say this or not, but I know who you are. You have posted several times saying you planned on just your one child and would never have more. You've also posted many times showing how very much you love and adore your child...
Ditto. But I have no real advice for you. On the one hand, siblings are wonderful. HOWEVER - it's OK to only want to have one child! I do understand your feelings of conflict, I think I would feel much the same way, in your shoes.
But I also understand everything you said above as relates to having only the one child.
I think the bottom line is, you and your DH will have to do some serious soul searching and come to a decision. I agree with you about the age difference thing, so I can also see where you feel pressure from that alone.
But - if you TRULY only want one child, don't have another one just because you think it might be the right thing to do, or because you are afraid you'll have regrets. IMO, you should only have children if you really want them, not to balance out your family, or do something based on someone else's preconceived notion of what's right. It has to be what is right for YOU, for YOUR family.
I think you and your DH should decide your reasons for having another and for NOT having another, and decide how you REALLY feel about it both ways, and make a decision based on that.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}
I believe I know who you are too, based on your previous posts.
((((hugs))))
Such a hard decision. You are really the only one that can make the decision.
A few things that come to mind regarding your situation:
Do you want your DD to be an only child?
Do you want your DD to take all the responsibility (financially/emotionally/etc.) of caring for you and your DH when you are old?
I am an only child and it's rough. I had all the burdens of aging parents....alone. I am married and have kids of my own now and I long to have a sister or brother that I can be in touch with, call, visit, etc. It's just me, alone in a huge world full of brothers and sisters.
No one else can convince you to want another child. Or, to not want one for that matter. Like Karen said, I believe you need to really want the child, not just having one because you are "supposed" too.
When I got pregnant with my 2nd, I was so worried that I wouldn't love her as much as my 1st. I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as my 1st child. But, as soon as the 2nd was born, I loved her just as much. So, don't worry about there not being enough love to go around.
Seven months ago I could have been you. In fact, I'd even made up my mind that I was done and talked to DH about it. Not to mention that I had a nightmare first pregnancy. Being pregnant for me just sucks all the way around.
Then as luck would have it, I got pregnant. It took me several months to come to terms with it. Then another several to come to terms with the fact that it's another boy and not the girl I'd hoped for because this is it for us.
Now, I'm 34 weeks and more settled. There is no "magic" answer. I just feel your indecision because not too long ago I was there. However, fate intervened...........and then there were two.
Even though you may think that your one child may benefit from having a sibling, rest assured that there is nothing wrong with having only one child. There are no studies that reveal any indication that there are any negative affects to being an only child.
Having said that, my son is 10, and I wish I could shrink him up so that he would fit in my arms head to toe. When he was about 3, I could get his whole body on my lap without my legs falling asleep.
We passed a baby in the store one day, a really cute little girl asleep on her daddy's shoulder. I looked and said to my son, "Awwe! You know, you used to be that little." And my son said, "Mom, if you want another baby, why don't you just have one!"
After all, the dirty diapers, naps, crying, and lugging diaper bags and strollers, only last for about 2-3 years.
I have a friend, who only had one child and I don't think M feels deprived. He is very much into theater and dance, and with only one child, his parents had the time, energy, and money, to go whole-hog persuing those interests with him. I think he's had a pretty charmed life. He's 18 now and majoring in theater and multimedia stuff.
I always wanted 2 kids, but never really felt the need to have anymore. I suppose it would be nice if we'd had a boy, but there are no guarantees when you get pregnant. It would have been nice if I could have had a Rebecca, but I'll survive now.
I have siblings, but we've never all lived in the same city, since we left the house. My parents have always been several hours away, so while my parents and siblings babysat on occasion, it was never a regular thing that I could have counted on. I had a neighbor and a girlfriend for that stuff, when my kids were younger.
I have a different take on this. My fil was an only child. His mother said to me about 6 months before her death, "promise me you will have more, it is so hard on him being alone, I could never fill all his needs". I knew I would have more, it was never an issue. But when she died it was so hard on my FIL, he really struggled and still does. He has real issues connecting with the kids, he doesn't do small talk well, he is pretty self absorbed. I don't think all onlies are like that, but I do think you have to make a concerted effort to change that. I think my children have grown from the having to agree on what movie, what snacks, etc.
I am not an only, but raised seperatly from my brother. We lived together during the school year, he spent any available time away (with my grandparents). As a result, I had to deal with sharing a bathroom, etc, but never bonded with my brother. We have lost my mom, my dad is on an off very sick and we have no relationship. I feel very very alone. I struggle with finding who I am, remembering the old me. I drove to NM to see my childhood house this summer, I really shared lots and lots of stories with my husband who listened, but it wasn't the same. When my hubby is with his family and they are joking and talking, etc, I miss that, I wish I had it.
Onlies have positive things going for them, they are often very secure in who they are, they are very independent, and typically are very good students.
Let me be the next to say, it is so much easier the second time around. YOu don't stress over as many things, you know what is important and what stages will pass soon.
I certainly enjoyed my boys more than my daughter, because all the stress wasn't there.
I recall when very pg with my middle kid, worrying, I adore my dd so much, how could I do this to her. How could I take me away? How will I make enough time? Will she be content with "half" of me? It is amazing, but when you have a second (or a third), my love grew. There was certainly enough for all of them, I learned to love my dd in new ways, how cute it was to watch her help, as they grew how cute it was to watch them play.
It isn't always fun and games, but personally I feel like if you are on the fence, you should have another This shouldn't be a money decision. I know it is a pull to go back to work, but what you are doing now is am important job. Besides, if you really feel like you need to work, there are options.
My mother was an only child. I am an only child. And my daughter is now an only child! My grandmother couldn't have anymore children after my mother was born, so the decision was made for her. My mother and I both made the decision for ourselves for reasons very much like your own. I did not meet my husband until I was in my early 30s. By the time we married and decided to have a baby, I was already of "Advanced Maternal Age" (LOL) 36!!!!! I LOVED being pregnant! It was a wonderful experience I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Having my DD and being a mother is the most wonderful thing I've every done! Would I do it again for another child??? NO WAY!
I liked my life before my DD was born, and I love my life now! She made what I thought was a great life better. But, we are in a financial situation where we know what it's going to take for schooling, housing, etc. And we are providing for that. We live well, but not above our means. My DD has nice clothes, goes to a good school and has everthing she needs. We take family vacations. It's a good life. Period!
As an only child, I sometimes missed having siblings. But, those times were few and far between. I liked having my own space and all the attention of my parents! I actually felt special! And that special feeling is what we try to give to our DD! She has a wonderful imagination, loves playing with her friends and is very out-going and adventurous! A simple thing like going to the grocery store is a fun thing with people to meet and talk to! She is a special child and I never let her forget that!
You sound like you have your mind made up! You don't want anymore children. Don't feel bad about that. You're not alone with those feelings, and you're not selfish. You know what you want and what you don't want. Of course you'd love that child, that's not the issue. But, why compromise what you truly want, and your way of living for a socially acceptable norm?
Talk to your DH and tell him how you truly feel and all the reasons you feel that way. And trust that only children grow up to be perfect wonderful, no harm done adults! Two generations here and the third is fine so far!
OK, original anon... I *just* went out with one of my favorite friends the other night and she only has one child. She told me that herr husband had the V done and they are finished. Her daughter is in 2nd grade now. They are both thrilled with their decision and have no regrets. My sister only had one child. She has health issues that came into play on that decision though...
I think you first need to ease off on pressuring yourself one way or another for a bit. Then re-evaluate the situation. What you need is probably closure. Once you decide to do the V, you'll be relieved or once you decide to make another baby you'll be relieved!!!
RELAX!!! Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no right or wrong answer. It's just whatever makes you happy. Frankly, I'll tell ya, either way you will be happy.
I have three boys and I have to tell you if someone guaranteed me I could get preggo with a girl...I might just go for it!! That would make 4 kids for me!!!!!!! Hello!! That's insane. Coming from the lady who grew up saying 'I want one of each when I grow up, two kids max!!!!' LOL
Good luck...
As someone who has made the decision to have one child, I hear what the above are saying but my response is that there is no guarantee that siblings are going to get along or be close when they grow up. I know just as many friends who aren't involved with their adult brothers and sisters as I do friends who are close with theirs. I went through the same thought process as everyone did above and I decided that the benefits we give our daughter outweigh the "what -ifs" or "might have beens" if we had had more children.
She also is this amazing wonderful person that I enjoy every second with. What if we weren't so lucky the next time? There are pros and cons to every family arrangement.
Only you and your dh can decide what is best for your whole family (not just you, not just her) No matter what decision you then make, you just make the most of it.
I think I know who you are also and you're not a freak of nature!
I haven't read any of the other post, but I can give you an idea of how I feel. My 13 year old was an only child for a long time and now, she thinks the world revolves around her, LOL!. Also, growing up, it was difficult to do anything on my own because she constantly wanted me to entertain her. There have been times where I wish we had had another child in between the two for us & for her. Buy, I am happy the way this has turned out for us. (There is almost 11 years between them)
I came from a big family and I do enjoy having brothers and sisters and it is a comfort to me that when my mother is gone(hopefully a very long way away) that I will still have a family connection, someone to talk to and remember with.
But, I do understand your feelings because before little dd came along, I had the same thoughts as you, but now that little dd is here, I can't imaginge life without her, none of us can.
Please don't think you are a freak of nature! Your feelings are very valid and I know in the end, you & dh will make the right decision for all of you. (((hugs)))
I'm afraid hitting the anonymous button didn't hide you very well, Original Anon. I know who you are too.
I'm going anon to protect my family if anyone ever found this. I have three children, all conceived on BC and I never wanted to have children at all. I would never give any of them up and I'm so happy to have had the chance to be a mother but if I could do it all over again, I'd only have one. Going from one child to two was very difficult for me and I didn't cope with the added demands well at all. I had just gotten my first child potty-trained, was enjoying a less maintenance child, and we were doing well financially. Now I have to work to keep us in a reasonable financial state and I really just want to be a SAHM to my kids but I feel that would be an irresponsible choice with the expenses we have.
I think there are pros and cons to having multiple children but you can't predict how siblings will feel about each other, can't predict that they will bear the financial, emotional, and mental burdens together as adults, can't predict how you will feel about them as a mother. I have a very good relationship with one of my siblings and I can hardly bear to be in the same room as the other. I know that he will be no help as my parents age, I find him offensive and selfish and my children rarely spend time with his children because we can't stand them either.
My children have a good relationship with each other and they've learned things from each other that would have been difficult to teach without other children over all the time but I know that my oldest would have flourished as an only child. She is much more likely to fall through the cracks with my attention because her siblings are all more high maintenance and attention grabbing. I also think I'd be a better mother to just one than I am trying to balance the needs of all of mine.
All this to say, I don't think anyone can give you a clearcut answer to your question but I hope we're all giving you more information and that our input is helpful.
This is what struck me in your post: "DH would like to have another for the sake of our first child, not necessarily because he's dying to just have. I also think it would be wonderful for our child, no arguments there."
My opinion is that if you decide to have another child, it should be because you want another child for yourselves and for that child - not have another child because it would be good for your first child. That idea really bothers me. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like you want to give your first child a pet, but a human pet. I know that sounds strong, but that is what is going through my mind.
And remember, there's another mom posting because her first and second child don't get along at all, are really agressive towards each other, and make her life very difficult because they simply do not get along at all. There is no guarantee that your first and second child would get along, would have the closeness that most of us want our children to have with their sibs.
I had a brother, and while we got along fairly well when we were kids - my parents wouldn't have allowed anything else - we had very little in common when we became adults, and he certainly was not someone I would have spent time with if it weren't for "family". All three of my sons get along very well now, but for many years the two younger sons could not stand each other, starting at a fairly early age and continuing into their late 20s. It took my dear dil to get her husband to look at how he treated his younger brother and change - and if he had married someone else, who knows how that would have turned out.
Only you guys can make that choice. You need to take all the things into account that you already have. From my perspective, I am so glad to have had two. I love watching them play and learn from each other and I hope they will always be able to be there for each other. The little one has taught the older one patience and responsibility. The older one has taught the little one how to share. They are always watching out for each other. If one gets a treat, he or she always asks for another one for "my brother" or "my sister". My boy often tells my girl, "you're the best sister a brother could have"
They are getting things, emotionally from each other, that I could not give them.
I will not presume to have "guessed" who you are. I will presume that you are a good, responsible person who loves her child and wants what's best. What's best is what's going to make mommy and daddy happy. That's what you have to figure out.
I will not say that two can live as cheeply as one, that's just not the case, but again, only you can make those financial determinations.
good luck.
Ame
Aaahhhh ladies...so many thoughts. I can list a dozen reasons why I don't want to have any more, from personal to medical to financial.
*****For us, there is only ONE reason to TO have another, and that is for current child to have a sibling. Is that reason enough??*****This is the $64K question.
But, we feel that window is slipping away time-wise. If they're too far apart in age, it's defeating the purpose - at least *our* purpose.
I definitely worry about not loving another as much, without a doubt. DH and I both do. I had medical issues with delivery of the first, and there's a good chance that would happen again and could be worse for the baby. That scares me. I had terrible PPD with the first, that's a worry. Not meeting financial goals, that's a worry. Losing more personal life, that's a concern. Then there are some just reality-type problems - our current house is not big enough (meaning some would laugh at our house not being big enough but for us, we would prefer a larger one); not feeling great that we can even afford a second; looking forward to going back to work.
This did all start when we watched a home movie of me at 3-4 and my older brother chasing each other laughing in the front yard. Yes, it has also come about as current child has gotten older. But when I think of another baby, I just want to do it again with CURRENT child. I'm sure it's one of those things where all that changes, but really, it's so difficult to process that I could love another child as much as this one.
>"I recall when very pg with my middle kid, worrying, I adore my dd so much, how could I do this to her. How could I take me away? How will I make enough time? Will she be content with "half" of me? It is amazing, but when you have a second (or a third), my love grew. There was certainly enough for all of them, I learned to love my dd in new ways, how cute it was to watch her help, as they grew how cute it was to watch them play."< YES! YES! YES! All fears I share! I think of all our mom/kid playdates and all the attention that current child gets (because we choose for her to) and I don't want to lose that. Yes, I agree it would definitely be good for her, without a doubt.
I think onlies can be great kids or bad kids, just like those with siblings. I know 3 onlies though, 1 of which is WONDERFUL and you'd never know she was an only, and the other 2 are self-absorbed and care about others way down on the list on what's important to them. That bothers me, but you just never know, and that's another fear. Someone said if you're on the fence, have another, but I'm mostly on the fence because IN MY HEART I don't desire another one, I just do realize that it would be great for current child. But SOON. We really feel our window is closing but aren't ready to do it at all.
Angellew - Your post could have been mine!! I feel EXACTLY that way! The way your described your dd is so like mine. I read your post and thought "that's me!!" DH truly knows how I feel, but I also know that he feels compelled to give her a sibling, so it's difficult for me to ask him to have a V when I know he doesn't feel completely good about that decision. I want that to be something we both feel satisfied with, and I don't know when that will be. He knows and doesn't hold it against me, but does feel conflicted himself with what he thinks is best for current child. He has said several times, "You're just not interested and I understand that", so now we just don't know where we go from here because neither of us feels totally good about either decision. DH doesn't feel that onlies are bad, just that siblings is "better". Reeciecup - yes, again! We LOVE spending time with our child, not that everyone doesn't, but we do everything together. It's so cool! Like Angellew mentioned about the grocery store - some people hate taking their kids and try not to if at all possible. It's an outing for us. There are so many people to talk to, and letters to find, and new situations to encounter. I hate the idea of not having that.
I know if we don't have another, there will be times I will look at current child and wonder what would be different about her, what another would look/act like, how it would change our family, those kinds of things.
Angellew & Reeciecup - do you ever think of those things?
ALL of your input is so helpful. I appreciate that there are others out there like me, because it mostly never feels like that. Generally my experience is that people think you don't want another because a)you can't handle the one you have-NOT b)you don't have a good marriage-NOT, c)there's something wrong with you as a mother-NO, not as a mother, but maybe as a woman! I want to feel GOOD and CONFIDENT about the decision, that we're doing the right thing. I also know that is going to have to be up to us, but I have few people to talk to about this other than DH, and he's not a woman!
I figured that most of you would know who I am, but it doesn't seem like something I should be sharing online! Other than DH, I have hardly anyone that can be objective, which is why I knew this would be a good place. My sister is the only one. She has 2 and repeatedly says if she had it to do over again she would NOT have had a second one. She says it's too much work, too much $, and too much time. That's not a plug for more, but I know that every family is different and what works for her doesn't necessarily apply to me.
DH and I feel like we talk about this A LOT, but neither of us is ready to commit to one way or another. We feel the pressure because of the time between kids, so it really feels like now or never to us, but we don't feel good saying "now" in any way, shape, or form at this point. We wait (this has happened before) and nothing ever changes. We talk, nothing ever changes. I have thought at times, just do it and then it's over completely and you'll never have to think about it again - just to feel the relief of a decision one way or another. DH will get a V immediately after the birth of a second child, there are no questions on that. But then I think about how I would feel about "just doing it" and that can't be good for our family to do something that I don't really want to do, you know?
I actually think the second time around for me would be easier because I do know what to expect now, but that doesn't mean I want to do it! Thanks for listening BTW. And thanks for saying you think I'm a natural mom Kate!!
I agree with Ginny. You absolutely should not have another child if the only (or even if the primary) reason is to provide your DD with a sibling. You should only have another one if YOU and your DH want another child. Worst case scenario (but in an attempt to think this through)...what if you had a second child who had autism or Down syndrome or cerebral palsy, etc.? Obviously you would still love the child, but suddenly the playmate and chum you had envisioned for your child isn't a possibility. Not only that, but now significantly less attention will be given to your DD because you would be spending much time, energy, and money devoted to a child with special needs. Now that's an extreme example, but there are no guarantees when you become a parent and you need to consider all aspects.If you only had a child for your DD's sake and and things go "wrong" then you are left with a multitude of other issues.
As for the money issues...you never have enough money on paper, but it all works out. And having to do work-study to go to college, or not eating out 4 times a week, or going to the lake for vacation instead of a European tour hasn't killed anyone (and may even be preferable :-)). You do love another as much as the first and all those concerns melt away. They are also very normal to have.
However, really I think you have already answered your own question:
"IN MY HEART I don't desire another one, I just do realize that it would be great for current child."
Deanna, Please read your own post. If you have to argue with yourself about why you should have a second child shouldn't that tell you something? If you are worried about your child being self centered then get her involved in things where she has to be part of a team or help others. As I said before there is no guarantee that multiple children would be close or get along or be there for each other as they get older. Think of all the women here who have posted about horrible situations with their siblings. They can't stand them and are frustrated with them.
There is no right answer but all I read in your post is that you don't want another child. That's ok!!!!!
I actually have never wondered about what another child would have looked like or who they would have been. I think my kid is the coolest, funniest, sweetest, most dramatic, stubborn and awesome person I know and I'm head over heels in love with her. Even when I want to send her through a wall for some outrageous behavior of hers,there is a little voice in my head thinking "You go girl!" I really like her. I was given this amazing gift and I never felt the need to look for more, does that make sense?
Listen, as Natalie grows older, if she remains an only, you do extra things as a mom to make sure she has plenty of social activities. I plan lots of sleepovers with my dd. She does some activities that involve groups and friends. She has a full social life! She has helped me come out of my shell because I have gotten to know so many parents in my planning social stuff for her.
It seems to me that you know your own answer and every answer comes with good and bad parts. You just need to emphasize the good parts of having an only, give yourself a break, and enjoy your life as is!!!
sorry for rambling....
Reecie-Yes, it tells me something!! But I still feel like I'm doing her an injustice. I have 3 siblings that I was not always close to growing up but that are a huge part of my life. When I think of that, I don't want her to miss it. I'm not worried about her being self-centered really, because we have gotten her around other kids in social settings since she was very small, in an attempt to avoid that, it's just the other things...all the late night talks I had with my sister, how I turn to my siblings when I really need something now and they do the same. Those are the things that cause doubt to creep in. The way you describe your dd is so how we feel - we think she's jsut so totally cool!LOL We are all buds and do the neatest things together and we really like it that way. Pam, I've OFTEN thought of that, having a second child with a disability. Can't even imagine and really scares me off, but that kind-of scared me off with the first one, too, worrying about medical/health issues.
I think I need to feel that it's ok for everyone if we don't have another, and I'm not there yet. It doesn't help that Natalie talks about babies A LOT (friends all have new babies), and I know she would be a wonderful big sister because of her personality. That definitely doesn't help! I think of all the things I learned just by being a sibling that no one could teach me, and I have to feel sure that I want her to miss out on that. Yes, she will have other wonderful things that she wouldn't have with siblings around, but those sibling lessons are hard to reproduce. I have to get to a place where I feel good about knowing that's not going to happen.
I think you are all wonderful and I appreciate your thoughts and support.
Deanna, you and I are *a lot* alike and are going through the same things right now. When Scott was deployed, we physically couldn't have kids, so we are TTC now and that puts us at 4 years difference between the two. However, I understand the thoughts of having another one and how *extremely difficult* it is to think..."Do I have the strength to do it again?" We also have our careers, our bodies, and our patience to think about. So...here goes...no flow here, just to warn you.
If there is one thing that Connor has taught me, it's that the good, the bad, and the ugly are ALL temporary. My brother and I fought a lot as children but I don't know what I'd do without him when it comes to the care of my mother. I would have to go through all of it alone and I don't know how she would have survived without him and I working together. Also...we grew up pretty poor and that brought us together even more. My mom actually sent us on a "Scavenger Hunt" for food...we ate potatoes for a month. He also helped keep me out of trouble. I would have never listened to my mom or dad about drugs but I will never forget my brother telling me how bad they were and how sad it was to see his friends succumb to them. As an only child, you never know what happens at others' houses and they are more likely to spend time at other places because it's so lonely at home. You take your job as a mother seriously and I admire that so much. Whose to say that you won't take it just as seriously with a second?
With routines, you just develop a new one and, as you know, kids teach us flexibility. I'm very much a routine gal and it shows in Connor's personality too. (Could be worse, right?)
I really don't agree with Ginny (surprise, surprise) in the fact that it seems like you want a "pet" for your precious Natalie. You are a normal mom who wants your child to reach their full potential and who wants the best for your child. That's it. You've always reflected that. Always.
On a side note, could you guys adopt a 2 year old? You could go back to work in a year, you wouldn't have to be preggers, and there could be a child close in age to Natalie. Maybe your DH's work has a program to help adoption? Just an idea...we have a neighbor who did that because they couldn't conceive a second time and that girl is just so so so precious!!! She was 2 and had a heart condition but she is thriving and looked SO healthy being in such good care. If she weren't of Chinese descent, you would think she were born into the family...just an idea.
Just to throw something else in there for you to think about.... like you don't have enough already. LOL
Our life was much the same as yours when dd was younger too. I really didn't have any regrets or thoughts about our decision not to have more until the last few years. When dd was young, we were her world. It was fun for her to be with us and fun for us to be with her. We did everything together and wouldn't have had it any other way. The change came when she was about 10. To be honest, we just aren't as "cool" to hang out and do things with anymore. LOL Vacations are hard. It isn't cool to hang out with your parents, but really, unless we take a friend, what choice does she have? It isn't easy to get friends parents to allow them to take a vacation with you, especially if it involves flying! She really doesn't "play" anymore. She and her friends hang out and talk, listen to music, play Sims on the computer, talk about boys and clothes etc. Not a cool thing to do with parents. So when we do go on vacation or something like that, she is bored out of her mind which makes us all miserable. LOL I think if she had a sibling, she would swim, etc with them during those times.
I don't know. I am not trying to change your mind one way or the other. Just know that life will change and she will grow up and away from you. There will be a day when you won't be the center of her world and mom and dad will know nothing at all. LOL It is during those times that I really think about our choice and how she might be different if we had more children.....
Deanna, I feel ya, sista!!!
My DD (at 5 1/2) is going through the baby thing, too! She wants to look at and see and hold all the babies, everywhere!!! She loves babies! Her own "baby", Emily, (her Cabbage Patch) goes alot of places with her and she is a wonderful little mommy to Emily! BUT, get her around real babies for awhile and Bam... an hour after the novelty of "what a beautiful baby" is gone and she hears the crying and realizes she can't carry them around with her, usually by the hair or foot, she's out of there! LOL!
There are times when I think about what would be different if we had another one. But, those times are few and far between. I've made my decision, and I'm sticking with it. Even through the times when I'm PMSing and get a bit weepy and hold a friend's baby! That baby smell gets to me! But, it's aways going to get to me! I love babies! Always have and I always will! There are alot of things I love, but I don't want to have them! Again, I made my decision and I live with it, whatever anyone else feels!
You said in one of your posts "I think I need to feel that it's ok for everyone if we don't have another, and I'm not there yet." Who's everyone? If that "everyone" includes anyone but you, your DH and DD, then put it out of your mind.
Kids grow up and away from their parents! That's what they are supposed to do. They are suppose to assert their independence and not want to "hang out" with the old people. It's the natural order of things. I will never forget something that my uncle said to my DH in the hospital after my DD was born! He had raised three daughters and was sitting there holding mine and looked at my DH and said "Are you ready for the whole kid thing? Especially a daughter?" When my DH asked what he meant, he said "You are going to be her whole world! The sun will rise and set on you two! For the first ten or eleven years! Then, both of you will turn into something lower than whale poop in her eyes! She won't want anything to do with you and nothing you say will be cool enough or smart enough. But, keep doing what you're doing and do it right. Cause she'll come back to you at about 19 or 20! You'll again turn into Something in your little girls eyes! And that's when you'll see the person you raised! And it's great!"
Thank you Heidi and Vicki as well. I don't agree with Ginny either (surprise!) about wanting Nat to have a "pet" - it's not that at all, but I didn't address that earlier. Adoption is not a consideration for us. I know the day will come when hanging out with mom and dad will be really lame, but DH and I look forward to watching her grow and then taking back some of our time together as well. Yes, I bawled about preschool and have found myself getting teary quite a bit recently because she's growing so quickly, but there will be benefits to her getting older. And I agree Vicki, because her growing up recently has made us think about having a baby in the house again.
I DO have my moments of baby fever - I work with 3 babies at the moment in my job and when I'm around them I get it pretty bad! But when I get home, I love what's here and all that fever goes away. This is a very difficult decision for us and now that we are feeling the time c runch, it's even worse.
Heidi-I often think do I want to do all this again? The body recup, the patience, the career decisions...that's a biggy for me.
Thank you
I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but wanted to mention that I'm very glad this decision was made for us. After Baby #1 (DS) was born DH and I thought we wanted more, but weren't sure. I had gestational diabetes and delivered via c-section. The thought of going through that again didn't appeal to me. Since we couldn't make up our minds we decided to just shelf the issue for awhile and come back to it later. Well, shortly after that I learned I was pregnant. We were surprised and felt totally overwhelmed, especially since DS was only 13 mos. at the time. Looking back, I now laugh and shake my head because DD was obviously meant to be.
I dropped the two of them off at school this morning and smiled as I watched them walk into the building together. They were both laughing and chit chatting away. Yes, they have their rough moments, but for the most part, they are buddies and help each other often. DH and I are very glad things worked out as they did.
I do understand that she is supposed to grow up and away from us and all of that. I am not saying it should be another way. I am just saying that she is doing that all alone and it is those times that make me think about our past choices.
I am not trying to talk anyone into anything at all. I have an only and MOST of the time, I am ok with it. What does the future hold, who knows? Will I regret it or will it have been the right thing? Again, who knows.
The are advantages to everything both ways. No matter what choice you make, I don't know that you will put it out of your mind for the rest of your life. I think there will always be times of what if..... you just have to do what feels right and let it go knowing you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
Having babies and when to stop is the age old question!
I have 3, you would think that would be plenty. The problem is, really I don't feel finished. That decision has been made already and barring a miracle or an adoption we are done. For me though, I knew I wanted more than one, I wanted my kids to have friends to play with, someone to share the hard times with, someone to look at old pictures of one day, etc.
This has to be a decision between you and hubby. I promise a second baby will not make you think, what have I done, I hate this, on and on. Yes it will change your time, etc. But I have noticed that my friends with only one, also tend to always do group things and aren't great about spending couple time. For us, we often will rent movies, one for them and one for us, they are upstairs and we are together. I don't have to be the source of entertainment for my kids, they still welcome it if I want to play with them though. It has expanded my world, not limited it.
As for Ginny's remarks about kids not getting along. That is my post. And that is this week. My older kids are going through a bit of a struggle this past week. And it happens with any of the group on an occasional basis. We are in the throws of puberty with one and that time of the month for the other...happens. However, we have had several very hard deaths in our family, and I can say that although for me I barely made it through, to watch my older two children literally hug one another and share their deepest fears and cry together, they did what I couldn't do for them. You see the deaths affected me differntly, but they both saw it from the same stage, I heard one of them say to the other "mom is going to have a hard time, we need to pull together to help her around the house". Not having to bear that burden alone is a HUGE factor for me.
But in short there are no guarantees. My mother was one of two, she died way too early, her sister has had to do a lot of crap solo, because of it. I am very close to my aunt though, because I have had to step up. As I have mentioned before, I have a brother that is non existant in my world. He got married last month and let my dad know via snail mail.
Personally I think you turn this over to God, pray as a couple and find some peace. If your dh really wants another, that probably isn't going to go away.
>"The are advantages to everything both ways. No matter what choice you make, I don't know that you will put it out of your mind for the rest of your life. I think there will always be times of what if..... "<
Vicki, I think you're completely right and either way will be a second-guess, no matter how good we feel about it. I think you're right that whichever way it goes, we'll look down the road and think of the what the *other* way would have brought. And also Vicki, I understood what you meant about growing up and away without a sibling, although I don't think I conveyed that very well. That's the part that really makes me second-guess my own personal feelings, because my youngest sister especially was such a huge part of my life growing up.
Kaye-I know, about it not going away for DH, and then who gets what they want? That's the question, too. I don't want to let him down, so-to-speak either. I sometimes feel if I don't have another that I will be letting both of them down but getting what I want. They are the most important parts of my life, so that's difficult to swallow. Of course Natalie won't really know what she's "missing", but *I* will because I'm one of four. My sister and I had our moments of fighting like cats and dogs, but there were also all the great sister moments, and really fighting with your sibling is a great part of life, too! LOL
I do feel that I'm going in a circle on this, both DH and I, but me more than him. I think you all have been so insightful.
I am glad that you understood what I was trying to say. I just wanted to give you perspective from someone who has an only that is older and at a different stage of life. My view is different today than it was when she was 3. LOL But, hind sight is always 20/20!
And just to be honest..... I have never personally heard anyone say to me that they wished the would not have had a second child. I have heard people say that if their second had been their first, they would have only had one. LOL Most people have fears and anxiety about it, but once they have them, they couldn't imagine life without them!
I think you could be very happy either way!
Good luck with your decision!
We have four children and I had my tubes tied. Going from one to two was difficult to adjust to, but after the 2nd I realized that any kids we have will find a place in the family and be loved just as much as the first. It is more work and it may change your lifestyle a bit, but if you do have another you will never be able to imagine life the without them. We didn't plan on the fourth, but he fits in great and has 3 older sisters to "take care of him", give him suckers when I am not looking and all kinds of things. They are so much fun to see their personalities and how different they are. Each child brings a different dynamic to the family. Energy, routine, financial goal, and everything else will change and adjust to whatever is necessary for the family. It won't always be ideal, but the young years go so fast (not while you are in them most of the time though). I was afraid to have the 4th because of PPD also. This time was better because I knew what it was and asked for help. 2 months on zoloft and I have never felt more normal. I only took it for 2 months, but it made a world of difference. With the first 2 I didn't know or recognize what it was and suffered through it. It never seemed to go away completely.
Well I don't know if that helps or anything, but there it is...
For everyone it is different and you have to do what is best for you. You will after all be the primary care taker, thus you will have the biggest impact in your life.
Do not have a child if you are not doing it for yourself. Yes you could/can fall in love with the child and the child could fit right in. However, there are situations where that hasn't been the case in other womens lives. It will be unfair to both you and the baby if you go into conception half hearted. It isn't like a dog in the fact that you can always sell or give away the dog if it isn't a fit in your life. Babies are a long term commitment and they take a lot of work, as you know and if your heart is not set on growing your family then you might do your self, your family and that baby a disservice.
Do not have a baby because it is what the world thinks is right. To many people have children that are not being properly cared for because they thought they needed a big family to be a complete family and they overwhelmed themselves. Some women are meant to mother many and other women are meant to mother none.. Neither is correct because it has to be what is best for you.. Most kids love babies, so just because DD loves to snuggle babies any chance she gets doesn't mean that a baby is right for you.
A single child can grow to be a well adjusted child, through the actions and support of their parents. You just need to foster good relationships in her life. Not allow her to become one of those singles that grows to believe the world revolves around them. She can build very close/strong relationships with other children that can and will substitute a sibling relationship. I have seen that happen in the lives of several of my friends that are singles or from families with a huge age gap in the ages of their children.
The only right decision is going to one that makes YOU happy. DH and DD will adjust to whatever decision you make I am 100% sure.
Don't rush to decide, weigh your pro's and con's and if you feel a regret then re weigh the pro's and con's until you are contented with your choice.
I have four and wouldn't have it any other way but I know that my children are my legacy. I was meant to be the mother of many, even though before I got PG with oldest I didn't even think I wanted children. Now I am thinking about taking in foster children, so I will God willing be increasing the number of children I impact/LOVE in this world.
What a huge decision for us both..
Anyway, best of luck to us... 
Deanna, what I'm reading in your posts is that if you had another baby you would want everything to be a repeat of your life with your dd so far (understandable, I wanted the same), you don't want your dd to miss out on having a sibling, and you don't really want to have another baby for yourself. Please don't take this the wrong way, but your dd really shouldn't be the deciding factor in whether or not you and your dh have another child. She shouldn't have much weight in the matter at all. That baby should be for you and dh because you feel that your family is incomplete and another child would make your family whole. I am reading that you love your dd more than life itself, and you want to give her the world, but IMO, it wouldn't be fair to the second child to only exist because you wanted to give your first the experience of a sibling. Every parent going from one to two children has the same worries about time, money, love, etc because it's something they have not gone through before and once you have a second you wonder why you worried about it all so much.
I certainly don't think you are lacking as a mother or woman in the slightest. There is nothing wrong in only wanting one child. I don't even think there is anything wrong with a woman who never wants children. Families come in all shapes and sizes and if your dd is enough for you and dh then she is all your family needs. I also think it's entirely normal to be thinking about these things when you feel your biological clock ticking. Dh and I are friends with a couple who never had children. A few years ago, when they were in their mid forties they went through a lot of the same questions you and your dh are going through because time was running out and they didn't want to ever regret not having children and in the end, after a year of discussing and debating, they decided that it was ok. Their "family" of two was enough for them.
Bobbie and Stacy - you both have wonderful words that I find to be VERY true and in agreement with. Sometimes it's nice to hear it coming from others, like all of the responses, and helps to see things a little differently just because they're coming from someone else.
>"That baby should be for you and dh because you feel that your family is incomplete and another child would make your family whole."< That is EXACTLY how I've always felt!!!!!!! I think you should feel that your family is still missing a piece, and I feel that our family is completely whole. I'm not missing a thing, and I don't think DH is either. I think he feels a bit obligated, to Natalie and to the 'idea' that 'people' (universal) have more than one. We don't know ONE other family personally that only has one child. I didn't know any families when I taught with an only child, and I still don't in my work with families now. I keep telling him that just becaus it may not be common, doesn't mean it's wrong for us. We're not 'common' anyway!
I wish I could give you all a hug for confirming that I'm not less of a woman. I really mean that.
Being a woman has NOTHING to do with the number of children you have. Being complete has NOTHING to do with the number of children you have either, for that matter. Being a woman comes from deep inside you, not from giving birth to 20 kids...
I have a friend whose husband has Limb-girdle muscular dystrophy. It is genetic, his mother had it before him and they feared passing it on to their children so they opted not to have children. They knew that his condition would get worse and they opted not to adopt. Does this make her less of a woman? She has mothered and loved children, with out giving birth and with out raising them. My kids are just like their grandchildren. They visit with them often, call them nearly daily to check in and they have shared many wonderful memories with each other. They actually have more contact then DH's and my parents do, as sad as that is. She thanks me every year at Christmas and on my Birthday, in a card, for the wonderful life I have aloud them to have and make with my children. This woman is more of a woman than most mothers I know.
Being complete is a feeling not a number and that number is your choice alone. It isn't something that anyone, out side of you and DH, have a right to an opinion about.
Some women are meant to be mothers, others do a disservice to their children by even giving birth to them (hope that doesn't offend anyone) in the first place. Children are a life long commitment that so many don't understand before they conceive. They think they will have a little bundle of joy, something they can play with and put on a shelf while they go on with their lives. IMHO, it is better to admit you do not want children and not have children, then it is to do it because the outside world says you should and mistreat those burdens you have placed on yourself and your life. We have all seen/heard of this situation in our lives.
Choosing to have one child doesn't make you less of a woman, mother or wife. Leading your life and raising your child with pride and compasion for those around her is what will make you a good woman, mother and wife.
This is a world of, you are darned if you do and darned if you don't.
You can not live your life by others expectations for you because you will only find unhappiness if you are chasing around their desires and ignoring your own.
IF one child is what you want. Then only one child is what you should have and don't let anyone tell you differently.
LOL even us old timers double post sometimes.. OOPS!!!
I 100% agree with everyone else! You have to decide what is best with you and you are no less of a woman or mother for wanting only 1 child. I just wanted to add something. There's nothing wrong with not knowing if you are done or not either, I mean just because she is a certain age. I went through something similar. I had it all planned out as to when would be a great time to go for #3 since we knew we wanted a third child and I was upset because it was not a good time after all, so then we shouldn't since they'd be too far apart in age etc, bascially I took an all or nothing attitude. I got pg anyway almost a year later and all worked out fine. I don't feel like I'm done now either, even though it makes sense to be, if that makes sense,lol. I just remember wrestling with the "now or nevers" for months and wanted to tell you it will be okay, whether you find you want a baby or confirm you are done with one!
Deanna,
I didn't read all of the responses, but I wanted to give you 2 perspectives from my life, one as an only child, and one as a mother of twins.
I was an only for the first (almost) 13 years of my life. That is an insane gap, there are just over 4 years between my sister and brother. I grew up with 4 cousins, the oldest is a year younger than me, and about a year between each. Being an only made me very independent, and I would like to think it helped me mature. I would carry on conversations with adults at a very young age, because they were the only ones around! I also learned to make friends anywhere I went, because I had to unless I wanted to be alone with the adults!! I loved having a sister when I was a teenager, but it wasn't so bad being the only kid in the house either!
Now, as a mom... I had always planned to have two children, until I had twins! I knew when I found out we were having twins that I would want another baby later, but I didn't plan on it being more than 2 years later! Well, I also didn't plan on a divorce, so my kids are 5, and I still want another child at some point. I feel guilty that my next child is likely to be more of an "only" since Shane and Mads have each other, and will be quite a bit older. Such is life, it usually doesn't work out exactly as planned, but you roll with it!
My point here is that you need to do what is right for you and your family. Don't have another just because you feel you are short-changing DD by making her an only. Do it, or don't, because you know in your heart it's what will make your family feel complete.
Now, the whole "complete" thing gives me pause. I did not feel our family was in any way incomplete when it was just my husband, myself, and our son. We felt we had more and were ready to bring another child into the world - really we hoped for a girl to carry on my husband's mother's name. Did we decide to have another because something was missing? No way. I could never have imagined loving another human as fiercely as I loved my son. And yet, when our little girl came along, it was like she'd never been missing. It is very hard to bring myself back to a time and place where I had only my son. It's like she's always been part of us.
So - just because you're not "missing" something, please don't take it as a sign that you should not add to your family.
Ame
But Ame, if you look at in the literal sense, you did have something missing... a daughter to carry on your MILs name. It sounds to me that you knew somehow that your family would be fuller with a daughter, and you went for it.
When I said complete, I didn't mean that those of you who who want another child feel that something is missing, that you feel your life won't be complete if you don't have one. Complete is probably a poor choice of word... I think most people choose which ever option make them feel the most fulfilled.
Crystal, for me, that last line you wrote about making the family complete rings absolutely true. Dh and I always said we would have two kids. We had our two boys, but I felt in my heart that someone was missing. From the moment our daughter was born, I knew that our family was, indeed, complete. That is exactly the wording I used then and use now. Everyone is here who is supposed to be here, and I have never once had another baby urge since then.
Deanna, I wish there were a simple suggestion for how to determine whether or not you should have another child. You will not be doing a disservice to Natalie in any way by not having another. Your family is working for you right now with just the three of you. It would work as four as well, because it would have to. All the potential issues you talked about would work themselves out.
It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourselves because of what you *think* society wants you to do. You have to step away from that mentality and truly examine what you want for your family. Natalie may never have a sibling to share life experiences with. But by going from an only to having a sibling, there will be other things she will be giving up. Either way is fine. She will grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted adult whether she is an only or not. You and your husband need to make this decision based on what you want for your lives and your lifestyle. If another baby simply won't fit into your vision of what you want, don't do it. There is nothing wrong with that.
Good luck. No matter what, your family will be the perfect size for you.
Didn't read all the posts. But here we go. I had always wanted children. In my teens I expereienced my sisters life in her house on a work day with a husband going to work, her going to work, and toddler and an infant. After that EARLY morning of watching her get ready, I decided to only have one child. And that feeling stayed with me "forever".
DH and I discussed how many and we both said "just one!" At the age of my daughter reaching 3 yrs, I still wanted "just one"
Like you, I loved only having one. I loved all the things we could do with only one.
DD turned 5 and started Kindergarten. OMGosh! I thought I was in heaven. I loved being at home with my own time. But I wondered about a second baby and couldn't even imagine going thru it again.
My best friend had her second child when our first borns were turning three. And I was so thankful to not have to do diapers and all that baby stuff. And when Kindergarten started, I had ME TIME, while my friend was still doing the baby/preschool stuff and no time to herself.
Well, if you know who I am, you will know that at my "old age" of 43 I got pregnant with baby number 2. The reason we got pregnant was because we just weren't sure for the same reasons you feel. Do we want another, can we DO another, should a child grow up alone, etc. So, we never took precautions figuring it was in greater hands than our own. So when DD was 6yrs old, I got pregnant.
The oddest thing happened after DS was born. Somehow, we felt complete. I can not explain it. Something was missing from our family and we didn't even know it was missing. DS has been such a gift to us.
On the other hand? I can't wait to experience Kindergarten again. I really enjoyed my alone time, and look forward to seeing it again. But ofcourse I still totally enjoy his baby time too. It is never one sided. I can always enjoy "both hands" so to speak.
DD loves DS but we have some horrible momments. But I am happy they have each other, esp during those good times. And most of all, I am happy she will have a brother when we are gone. I can't imagine being without my sisters and brother. That would be so lonely.
There is no easy answer. Children are not easy and take so much sacrafice on the parents part.
If you have and only child, than be happy with it. If you have another, be happy. Regardless, you are a family and have what you need.
So once again, here we are with no answer at all.
Good luck to you. Again, just try to be happy without regret. There is nothing wrong w/ one child.
Deanna, I could tell it was you from the first post. I think you should listen to your heart.
Billy was not excited about having a second child. He feared he wouldn't love the baby the same as he did Dylan. He was happy with our family the way it was and didn't want to mess anything up. I knew different and wanted a second baby. I didn't care if it was a Boy or Girl I just wanted a sibling for Dylan and another child for us. (although, I'm so glad it was a girl.)
That being said...he and I both can't imagine our family without Taylor. Yes there will be a big age difference for you but it is amazing how fast the years fly by with baby #2.
I also have that feeling of knowing we are done. Our family is complete, no question about it and that feels great. If you also have that feeling with just one then what is wrong with that? One child...any child is a blessing and you should not feel pressure to have another baby. Do what is right for you and YOUR family.
On Natalie's possible behavior issues, I wouldn't worry to much. Even if she is an only child. The two of you seem like wonderful, hands on parents and I'm sure you are going to raise a wonderful, sweet girl.
e-mail me if you want to talk about it more...I can e-mail you my phone number if you want to really talk.
(((HUGS)))
All I can say is stop pressuring yourself. Having a baby is a big decision.
But to share my 2 cents: In Oct 99 I forgot to take my bcp's for almost a week. In Nov I was sure I was preg and cried for 3 days because I was afraid I was. Our sons were 14, 16, 18 and we felt so close to being done. I finally did a preg test and it was neg. So I cried for another 3 days b/c I wasn't pregnant. So we talked about it for 2 months. Dh gave me a rocking chair for Christmas to show me his support and Jan 2, 2000 after the world didn't fall apart with the Y2K thing, we decided to go for it. One year and 25 days later at the age of 39 we gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. I would not change a second of it. Yeah, her bros are alot older than her but she idolizes them and they spoil her rotten. She actually has 5 parents plus the gf's that come and go. She is smart, and sweet, and beautiful.
I truly believe that there isn't a too late as long as you are in good health to potentially see them thru hs. Anything can happen to anybody. Tomorrow is not a promise. But I wouldn't change a thing.
I pray that you and dh make the right decision for your family.
It's really interesting to hear all of your stories, so thanks for sharing them!
DH and I talked again this weekend. We share many of the "fears" that you all shared, especially not loving the second one as much that you mentioned Andi. That's just one of many, in addition to not being so into the idea of a second. DH is not sure he feels that we are complete. We basically got nowhere as usual. It's not an argument at all, just a neverending discussion it seems. DH does admit that part of the reason he thinks of having another one is because it's more "normal". I reminded him that we're not "normal" and never have been.
We can't feel good about any decision at this point, so we basically have to accept that if there were a sibling for Natalie that they will not be close in age. Right now though, a decision seems impossible. I will be sure to keep you all posted, and I sincerely appreciate all of your supportive words and objective responses. I don't feel so much like an oddball.
Andi- Thanks.
I'm reading this late, and I didn't read all of the responses, but I agree with the ones I did read, especially about doing what is right for you.
My husband and I didn't plan either of our children. Our oldest, Christopher, was conceived while using TWO types of BC. (he was obviously meant to be) We weren't married, weren't even close to thinking about being married, and were still enjoy our "young" lives.
After he was born, we couldn't imagine life without him. We thought we would have 4 kids, but we were going to wait until we both finished school.
Fast forward three years, and I got pregnant, once again, while using BC. I was finished with school, but Jimmy still isn't. So many people in our lives thought we were being irresponsible, because money is kind of tight. But having Luke completed our family, and the money stuff sorta works itself out. We've decided that 2 is probably enough (four kids sounds fun, until you have 2, LOL). But I have friends who want more than two, and I have friends who just want the one they have. I even have several friends who don't want children at all.
Not having children or only having one seems foreign to me, but that is MY opinion. I don't judge any of my friends for the number of kids they want. I think if you let your heart lead you, you will find the answer. But don't feel pressure to have a second because it is "normal". In today's world, what is really normal anyways?
I think Natalie would make a wonderful big sister!!!
Well i think that you should stop all forms of birth control and see what happens = ) lol...
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