What do you think of this "theory"
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive August 2007:
What do you think of this "theory"
I was not sure how to phrase this. My husband thinks if somebody makes a mistake, it is because they "do not care". A quick example, he was holding our youngest one night. I walked by them and grabbed my youngest and gave her a big kiss. In the process I scratched my husband in the face. It was an accident, I apoligized. He said it was not an accident, it is that I just don't care. If I pour a drink, and spill some(Not just me, the kids too)then it is because we just don't care about things.
I told them that most everybody I know makes mistakes or has simple accidents, such as spilling a drink, breaking a toy, losing things. He said , it is because people just don't care. He firmly believes this. He has not said it to me or the kids today, but it makes no sense to me.
He is very anal about things. The kids and myself are not anal. We like to play around, we have fun, and sometimes one of us spills something, or maybe the kids break something. It is never deliberate. He does not get it . I do not get him.
What do you think about this statement?
I think it is a silly and potentially dangerous theory. And I think your husband is really setting himself up for trouble. The first time he accidently spills something or bumps into you or anyone else, he is setting himself up for being told he "doesn't care".
I also think it is a *terrible* thing to do to one's children. What a burden to be told that every time they break something, spill something, bump into someone, get a tear in a piece of clothing, that it is because they "don't care". Or hit a foul ball in softball, miss the net in volleyball, etc., etc. Accidents and mistakes happen. One says "oops, I'm sorry", cleans up the mess or otherwise makes amends, and life goes on. To blame every misstep on not caring sets people up for a life-time of guilt.
My son adds that it sets up the idea that people should be perfect and if someone has an accident, it is because that person is imperfect. He adds, "Nobody needs to live up to that kind of pressure."
Ditto Ginny on this one.
What a preposterous assumption! May I ask what he says about his own mistakes? Does he state that he just doesn't care?
That's just plain crazy. I have a hubby that thinks "we" meaning the general public should be more careful in the things they do. I guess that fits what you are saying. He drives me crazy.
He also thinks he never makes a mistake.....or at least it is only ONCE in a blue moon. ARRGGGGHHHH. He really drives me crazy with that idea. But on the other hand, he is really good at everything he does, even the stupid things that the rest of "us" never even think about. But he does screw up, and it is rare compared to me or the kids, or anyone else I know for that matter.
Is he able to enjoy life and be flexible? NOPE. I'd rather make mistakes and be happy than working so hard that I resent the rest of the world for being so careless. Sometimes he tries to let loose, but it drives him crazy.
Dana, it seems our husbands are very similiar. It is scarey as I thought I was the only one who had a husband who felt this way.My husband is the same way, he is so good at so many things. Even, the simplest tasks he works hard at, where others woud rush through it.
My husband occasionally screws up as well. When he does screw up, he will say "there, I am not perfect"I tell him that me and the kids are not perfect. I explain that "us" unperfect people will make mistakes.
He thinks just about everything I do, I do the wrong way when it comes to housework.He thinks I don't discipline the kids right, he thinks because I spend a lot of time on my computer, that I am not properly supervising my kids.. He once even told me I should go to work and put my kids and daycare so they will be properly supervised.*sigh*,My kids are bathed regularly, fed, clean clothes, hair and teeth brushed everyday. Somehow, I am not doing a good enough job.
Ginny, I totally agree on how it effects the kids. I mean, it effects me in a negative way. I know the kids don't really understand all the time why it is always so bad if they make a mistake, spill their drink, break a toy. Sure, sometimes my kids do purposely throw there toys just to see what will happen. Yes, sometimes I get after them for treating there toys poorly and breaking them. I think I do it in a normal fashion, not in every situation.
Dana, my husband can not let lose either. He is always so "worried" about everything. If the kids leave the door open for even a half second more then it should be he yells at them. WHY?? because that is the ac going out the front door. Does he have some truth in his words? Sure, I mean if my kids stood at the front door, with it wide opened for 5 minutes of something while the front door was wide opened and the ac on. Kids don't move as fast as adults. So it might take them a half second longer to shut the door. SO WHAT... he will yell "SHUT THE DOOR"..and go on that ac goes money, and they are letting it out the front door. As he would NEVER do that. Then I will stick up for the kids saying, it is no big deal they shut the door. Then it turns around that me and the kids just don't care about anything, that if we cared we would immediatly shut the door if we cared.
I think your DH sounds like a bully and a control-freak (and possibly even bordering on verbal abuse). This is way more than a little personality quirk and I honestly don't know how you can live like this on a daily basis. I personally would insist on counseling. ((Anon)) from yet another imperfect person.
Ditto what everyone else says. We all are imperfect and no one can live under that kind of pressure. I sure couldn't.
It sounds to me as if your husband has serious control issues. He will continue to fail to control anything except himself, and even there he'll experience failure. He needs counselling in letting go.
This is going to sound crazy, but you should read the book THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. My husband is very anal (not as bad as you described, but everything has it's place and purpose). Anyway, this book really turned him around. Your husband shouldn't read it, you should. Then do what it says in the book. I know I was amazed at the difference in our relationship and in my husband's dispostion.
Good Luck.
Theresa., Why should I read it? I mean my husband is the one making me and the kids feel bad. He is making us feel less then perfect. Why should I read a book, so he will feel better?
Pamt said it best. Ridiculous "theory" and untrue. It's not healthy for you or your kids to be around that kind of mentality. No one can live up to that.
You should read it because you can't change him. However, never underestimate the power of woman over man. You can change the situation the question now is how. Coming on to a web site and complaining isn't going to do any good unless you act on the advice. Again, I say GOOD LUCK
Anon., Tsa is so right. We can't change anyone but ourselves. If you make changes with yourself, you DH will have no choice but to follow the changes.
Tsa, thanks for telling us about the book. I will absolutely be on the look out for it! My hubby and I made a huge change after *I* went to a bible study "How to Love your Husband" The focus was on changes you do for yourself. And the one thing that was stressed is you DON"T do things for your husband. You do it for yourself and God. If it is good enough for the two of you, then so what on DH's opinion. I had a tough time w/ that,but you know what, he became so much nicer when I gave no validation to the words and critisism that I KNEW were not true. If they stand on truth, than by all means validate it, but if you know in your own heart that you did right by God, than you can overlook DH's harsh comments. Seems contridictory to a healthy marriage doesn't it?
Please email me directly. I honestly think we can help each other in giving ourselves the power to trust ourselves. Your DH really does sound like mine, right down to the door and cost of a/c. My email is in my profile.
"Coming on a web site and complaining isn't going to do any good unless you act on the advice."
Personally, Tsa, I disagree. I think there is a lot of advice given on this site. Some of it very good, but not all of it works for everyone. I think it's unfair to suggest Anon isn't willing to do what she can to help this situation because she isn't willing to take your specific advice.
I also don't see Anon's post as "complaining". I think she came here to talk, in need of other's input in regards to her husband's treatment of herself and her children. She's already in a very distressing situation at home. I think she needs some friends who will listen and care and lead her to her own answers.
I know you meant well. I just felt I needed to say something in Anon's defense.
How about the proper care and feeding of wives, for pete's sake? When a husband is the person creating the problems by his obsessively controlling behavior, why should a wife study up on how to cater to him so that he "feels better" about himself and maybe, just maybe, it makes for a happy marriage.
It's clear that Anon's husband wants very much to control her and the kids and is more than a bit obsessive about it. I don't think that is behavior that should be catered to or even allowed. It's unhealthy for the kids and for Anon, and also unhealthy for him.
I agree with Nicki, I don't think Anon is so much complaining as she is seeking feedback because she is feeling alone in this situation.
Anon, I think your husband is very, very controlling. He appears to think you don't do anything right, and has no qualms about telling you so. If he doesn't do something right, it just shows that he isn't perfect, but he isn't willing to cut you that slack.
The whole thing with the door and the ac -I agree with Pamt, he sounds like a control freak. And while usually that just makes for an unhappy control freak (because he really can't control everything) and unhappiness for the people around him, sometimes a control freak tries even harder to control and can become abusive. Telling you that your children would get better care in day care is, to my mind, way way out of line. It was a hurtful thing to say and I'm sure he knew it when he said it. If he didn't know it was hurtful he has even more problems.
I concur with those who are suggesting counseling. And if your husband doesn't agree, then I think you ought to go by yourself to get help in sorting out what is going on in your life, how you feel about it, and what you want to do about it.
I don't get the book ideas either. With total respect for anyone who loves the book that's been mentioned, I just don't see why Anon should read a book to change something when she's not the one that needs to be changed. I'm glad it's been helpful for others, but Anon's DH just sounds like a bully to me.
People can read all the books they want, but IMO at the end of the day it's a simple rule - 'treat others the way you want to be treated'. When you generally follow that with your spouse, and your spouse does, too, then this doesn't happen, no?
Have those of you that are talking about the book being about us changing and catering to our husbands ever read the book? That is not at all what it is about. Honestly, I can see why it was mentioned as a good thing to read for this situation. It isn't about changing yourself or catering at all to your husband. It made me understand how the male and female mind work so differently and how to say things in a different way. The book was way more of a benefit to me rather than my dh. Maybe it is the title.... it is misleading I guess.
THANK YOU...for all your responses to this. In all honesty, he is not like this every day. The important thing he still does this more then I like. I am no way perfect in this relationship. I often fine myself apoligizing to the kids for the way their father acts. He is not a bad guy. He is just who he is. He is a person who always thinks he is right, plain and simple. I can not change that. On the other hand, he can not change me. Maybe like Vicki said, the title of the books is misleading on what it represents. I do not feel I have to cater to him. I also do not think he has to cater to me.
About complaining and not doing anything about it.
I think many of us forget one important thing. Sometimes "some" us post here to simply vent. Yes, we want other view points, as I did with this post. I am not looking for anybody to solve my problems.I post things to read other points of view, to keep myself in check. Sometimes some of us, just need an avenue such as momsview, to vent to get things off our chest, nothing more, nothing less...
Dana..When I get a few moments I will email you privately. Our husbands seem to have very much in common.
No, I haven't read the book. I guess using this specific example though (original Anon poster) - She's talking about what HE is saying that is putting everyone down and making them feel bad about themselves for being "imperfect" and "not caring" simply for a mistake. Why should she be reading about how to say things in a different way when he's just being rude to everyone? I don't get that.
Understanding how men and women think differently is definitely a great point for any marriage, but her trying to learn to say things differently to get him to change is BS to me. He needs to "learn" that he's rude, insensitive, and derogatory to his whole family by putting them down when they make mistakes. He sounds like he's got issues, which means HE needs a book. Sorry, that's my opinion.
And again, it's basic - treat me the way you want to be treated. I'm certain he doesn't want to be bashed for dropping milk on the table.
Wow, my husband acts similar in many ways. lol He is an absolute freak about the A/C and leaving doors open, has zero patience with kids...and he has a real issue w/admitting fault.
LOL Deanna, I like your post.  "... he needs a book..."
Deanna, I like your post, too.
I haven't read the book in it's entirety, but I skimmed through it at a book store. I'm surprised I gave it as much time as I did, because I have no respect for the author. I won't go into my feelings here, suffice to say, this book is not for everyone.
I'll be looking for your email.
Wow, I didn't mean to cause such a discussion. Sorry.
By no means do I think what your husband does is right.
Tsa, I am sure that the Anon isn't assuming that anyone thinks what her husband does is right and I find it hard to believe that anyone else that has made comments out of hand would assume that is what you meant either..
Anon states "In all honesty, he is not like this every day. The important thing he still does this more then I like." what exactly does "more than I like" mean? She also goes on to say, "He is not a bad guy." which implies to me that he isn't abusive in the sense that others seem to be invisioning.. Then there is the, "I am no way perfect in this relationship." comment that sends up red flags for me..
So there was a question asked... "What do you think about this statement?" I want to know more about the way you interact with your DH on a daily basis because I have a feeling that there is more to this than the story we are getting.... I am not trying to victimize the victim here, so there is no need for an attack.. It is my experience that people are hurtfull because they are hurting and if DH is having issues in this marriage then this is your issue too... Change always starts with YOU as Tsa suggest...
Well, I may catch flack, but I do agree with your dh to an small extent. Not totally, but a little.
For example, "I care" about my kitchen counters and floors being clean so that when I cook, I don't worry about catching the house on fire or my family getting some intestinal bug. My ds doesn't care about cleanliness anywhere. So if he spills something and doesn't clean it up, I feel like it's b/c he doesn't care enough to be more careful or at least clean it up.
But he does care about his Wii game. The remotes HAVE to be lined up and put in a certain place. And everything has to be so so with IT. He is very careful with everything about the system.He never drops them or sits on them or whatever.
I don't really see this as being controlling on my part but I do get frustrated with him.
Now, to the point about that book. I have read the book and have recommended on another thread to someone also. But I think the point that TSA could have made about it is that it teaches you to try to understand another's point of view and that may be causing his odd ideas. Or maybe it's just his way of trying to have some control in his own home. For example and this has nothing to do with this thread. It is just the idea to get the book across. I was reading today how women can't understand why men can't just listen to their problem and not try to fix it. Women and men are just geared differently. Men are wired to want fix and protect. So when their woman has been injured, their gut reaction is to fix the problem and when they are not allowed to do that, it hurts their ego.
Why not "The Proper Care and Feeding of Women"? B/C according to Dr. Laura, men are wired to want to please. Our society has demasculated men to try to make them like our girlfriends until they don't know how to act. So when we start treating them like the men they want to be, they start acting like they are. Problem will be fixed and no need for the book about Proper Care of Women b/c they will be.
So, I have no knowledge of your family life and interaction so please don't take this as advice--just ideas. And I am no more an expert than a man in the moon. But from what I read in the book, usually when a man exerts control issues, it's b/c he feels he has no control. (There are bozos out there that are just nuts and control freaks and who are abusive. This is not talking about those guys.) But for the mostly good guy, that has things that seem detrimental, there is usually a reason.
I was having some difficulties with dh, and although in actuality were minor, felt big to me. And I continually harped on or tried to discuss them with him to no avail and maybe even to our detriment. But after reading the book, (and I am rereading it now), I started to ask my dh's opinions on things (even though I didn't really need it) and take his advice. Or ask for his manly help on things. AND I started to compliment him again even though I didn't feel like it at first. I did my best to make him feel needed and like the head of the household. I didn't do these things to manipulate him. But man oh man, did I see a difference in his behavior and actions. It was like he couldn't do enough for me. He became sweeter tempered and more attentive and helpful. And the things I griped about for so long became nonissues.
I wish you the best of luck and happiness in your home life. I hope that you have gotten some helpful advice from folks on this thread that help sort things out for you. And I would still recommend the book. I do not condone abusive behavior from anybody. But sometimes the way to put it to an end, is not by beating the person up but trying to see where it's coming from. Now if he's just a total jerk about it, that is a whole different story. But, like I said, I know nothing about your situation or life other than the little I just read.
Best wishes to ya.
Debbie, Not saying this is what is going on in the home of Anon, as I don't think we are getting a full picture here..
BUT, It is my experience that many men in todays society are imasculated. The imasculation comes from the way their wife "allows" them to be, the way their mother allowed/taught them to be or the way their father was allowed/knew to be..
I have a friend who is a terrible wife, sad to say.. She married this man, because she had had sex with him and felt that because she wasn't "pure" any more no other man would have her. She wasn't in love with him because he wasn't any where near the dream guy she had built up in her head that would one day be her husband but she settled and now she resents him for not being that dream guy. He is supposed to read her mind and become that dream guy with out a clue as to what/who that dream guy is... She rants, raves and carries on because he falls short in her eyes in everything he does. His job stinks, he doesn't make enough money, he is a bad parent, sex is a means of control and not something she enjoys.
He has gotten to the point that he isn't always complying to her rules now.. And she is beside herself with anger, complaints, over it. They have been married 19 years at this point and both say they are staying in the marriage because of money and they claim the kids.. But they argue all the time. She talks down to him and about him to the kids.. He is lazy, doesn't make enough money, doesn't do this, doesn't do that. His kids have little respect for him when she is around because she won't allow him a say in the parenting of them.. Yet, she complains about how she is parenting all on her own..
He pretty much stays in the garage or on the computer until she goes to bed at night and then he often is sleeping on the couch now because he doesn't want to wake her up and have to hear about how he failed her again.. This is just another point for her to complain about, of course. Her kids are nearly grown now and she still throws it in his face that the kids are the way they are through no help from him.. Once again taking his value out of their lives and it all being about her perfection...
IF she was my wife, I think I would be handling things the very same way he does.. He is short with her, he will say hurtful things to her and the kids as a retalitation for the lack of respect he feels. He is a resentful, yes dear type of guy and he avoids any contact he can.. He seldom eats dinner with them.. He refuses to step in and help when she complains about the kids, tells her she made her bed type of comments. He does side jobs that keep him away from the family because if he wants anything he has to work beyond his 9 to 5 jobs to earn the money because that check is hers to spend as she pleases and he isn't allowed to buy anything that she sees no value in with that money. Anything he wants is worthless and they don't have the money for, but she buys some of the most expensive junk I have ever seen... He is past the point of trying to compromise with her over money issues, he is done trying to plead his case on deaf ears. He works, has no idea how much money he actually makes (dirrect deposit) and has no idea how much she actually spends.. And she complains about having to budget the money all on her own, having to make decisions all on her own and how he has no good input in anything when it comes to money.. She created this monster on her own, yet she refuses to see it, she took this power away from him but in her eyes it is yet another one of his failures.
This is couple is a prime example of a woman that stands on the if any one will change it will be him type of stance and the man that refuses to give because he is seldom/never given to... She blames him over her unhappiness in life because everything wrong is all his fault. If only he would have done things her way.. She doesn't understand or care about compromise and the fact that taking away his opinions, wants and making their life all about her, is what did this to them.. It just proves to her that her resentments over him not being her dream guy are correct...
They are in a huge mess at this point. I think, through a few things he has said, that he is still holding on to the hope that some day she will stop trying to make him her dream guy and understand that he is the good man she has refused to see this whole time.. I think he loves her and he is at a loss as to what to do.. But I question whether she loves him, as she has stated that they are like room mates and no matter what he does she reacts to it with no emotion, unless he upsets her of course. He use to help with laundry and dishes, doesn't any more. He use to call before coming home to see if she needed anything from the store, he doesn't any more. He use to beg her to be with him and he doesn't any more.. He is shutting down and when he is reacting it is in becoming negative too.. She gave up on him the day they married, he seems to be done trying to make that up to her and what is he supposed to do??
I know a few, women that are running through life killing themselves with husbands that have the mentality that my friend has towards her husband also.. So it isn't just a woman toward her husband issues. If there will be any bending, any appologizing, any changing, it will be done by the other person.. Marriages that are successful can't be run in that manner.. Someone that is always cut down, cut off, devalued will surely stop trying at some point.
We make/create these issues because of our own stubborn opinions and views of life and what we expect from the person we are married to. Then we blame them for not being a good spouse... And then when they act out, we want to blame that all on them too. We don't want to fight the voices (everyone has the self destruction voice in their head) that say, this is just the way it is. Life sucks, our spouse sucks and we have no control.. Those statements couldn't be any more false.. You are treated the way you treat people, this is one of those lessons we teach our children from birth.. Being an adult doesn't mean you stop growing, being adult doesn't mean all those rules of life our parents, teachers taught us don't apply any more.. There is nothing in our lives can't be changed, it just takes putting forth an effort to find the value in the situation to make a decision to change and actually doing something about it.. And it is a proven fact, and I wish I could think of the stats I read about it, that men will change if a woman leads them.. It was a high stat... Basically silent changes in you will make huge changes in the way he treats you.. A kiss, a smile and sign of appriciation goes a long way with most men and can be a kicking off point of changes in a marriage...
That poor guy is in every chapter of Dr. Laura's book!!!
So, let's do a reversal...
If we take the husband that was just described, and he came here to ask us what we think of his wife's treatment of him. He would get lots of input and we would all have different feelings. It would be suggested that there is a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives". It's explained the book might help him understand his wife better. It would help him see what she really wants is to be the "queen" of everything. She wants to feel important and royal, well, pretty much all the time. The book will tell you what to say, and how to act to feed into this whole scenario. Your heart may not be in it, but give it all you've got, and sit back and watch. She will become this wonderful, loving, content happy queen, treating everyone wonderfully and never saying an unkind word about anyone especially her obliging king. Everyone lives happily ever after. Right?
Could it be that the wife, even in her new state of importance, is really going to transform into this wonderful person? Hmmmm....she doesn't sound so terrific now. A wife that verbally abuses her husband and talks him down to his own children is not too great. I feel for the husband, I do. But the man has choices. You state he's staying for money and the kids. Okay, there's a price to pay for staying for money. Sounds like he's paying it, daily. So he's staying for the kids. Frankly, he may be doing his kids a world of good leaving her. And it doesn't sound like he's there much, anyway. Maybe if he moved on his kids would have a chance to know their dad and actually have one, without mom's continual put downs and anger towards him. And with any luck, mom might get herself into some counceling and work on improving herself if not for her own sake, her kids.
Just another way of looking at things.:-)
I am not an author and I'm not so eloquent. But the jest that I got from the book is that some high percentage (like 85%) of the calls she receives are from women complaining about their husbands or boyfriends not doing this or that. And no amount of fussing or nagging will change the things they want them to change. So the book is directed at women to change their circumstances. Look at your world around you and see if your attitude can be contributing to what makes you angry about your dh.
In my own case one of the things about dh was that he spent all evening on the computer or in the garage after he came home from work. I wanted him to spend more time with me. But what I figured out and changed was that I had made my dd the ruler of the house and she chose the tv stations or movies or games we played. And he felt neglected. I didn't ask him these things, I figured it out from suggestions in the book. So I told dd one night, daddy is going to pick what we watch. She was a little taken aback. It wasn't going to be Spongebob. So we go get daddy and give him the remote and asked him to come watch tv with us. He picked America's Funniest Videos. We sat and laughed together for the first time in awhile. So then I began to make it important to let daddy pick shows at night or pick what we were going to do b/c he'd been at work all day taking care of us so we could stay home. I made her understand that he was important. He got the message and began to spend more time with us and doing stuff that we all like to do. That is just one small piece of the whole thing.
The book was written to women b/c women do most of the complaining. She says that men are simple and every man who has called in to her has agreed with that. They want to protect their female and families and be respected for what they do. Simple. Women on the other hand are very complicated and one book wouldn't be enough.
But she reiterates that this is for the normal good guy with some aggravations. Not for the abusive or just mean man. Never take that mess.
Just completely aside from this particular original post - Nicki - I love your last post!!! You are so right on.
Imamommyx4-You also explained that very well.
LOL Nicki, "happily ever after" is a state of mind, it is a choice, not something that comes to you just because someone is playing the game your way.
The way we choose to look at and address the things in our lives is what makes us happy or unhappy.. Outside things only effect us the way we are condition/taugh to let them effect us. Our spouses, jobs, income, children, friends etc.. effect us the way they effect us because that is what we take from the contact with people/things because of a set of acceptable limitations on life that we have set up for ourselves and everyone around us. We form opinions on what is good, right and acceptable from birth. We take those opinions and we apply them to our lives. So.. We think that for someone to "love" us they have to do X number of things, in the order we want and the way we want them done, generally with out being told or taught because telling them would mean they didn't know us or love us enough to care to know how to do X, even if they have never seen, touched or dealt with X before... If they fail us in anyway, that is the point we focus on, to prove to ourselves that we aren't loved and that they are a failure and that we deserve to be unhappy, nasty to them.. Anyone that doesn't meet our expectation of acceptable behavior.. Our expectaions that everyone around us should be aware of and know just like we do because to us they are common sense..
There is a very small limit to what we are willing to do to help our child, many mom's will go to the ends of the world to figure out her child but when it comes to her marriage, she expect things to come naturally, to not have to work on a marriage. We find out we are pregnant, we talk to every mom we can about labor and delivery, the first few months of life, we read about potty training, bottle breaking and we occupy our lives with trying to raise the best child we can.. We will die not giving up on our children but we will turn our backs on our spouse the minute he or she has meet his/her quota of "breaking our heart". For some of us that quota is very low, for others it is very high but most if not all have a set quota. The whole, "this is the last straw mentality".
I don't feel that a person should compromise with an physically abusive, alcoholic, truly lazy, refuses to stay faithful, unwilling to work on the marriage spouse... I believe there are very valid divorces out there and I encourage anyone that is in a bad situation to take the steps to get out..
Although, in the instance of an DH with annoying behaviors, there is a woman out here can match or beat that annoying behavior with something their husband does or has done on daily their whole marriage... Simply because our expectations and limitations are different. Things that drive me nuts, may not drive you nuts and things that I find cute, may send you through the roof. So why would DH automatically see things the way you do?? When our expectations vary so much when it comes to our spouses? There is no book on how to be the perfect spouse, we don't come with a blue print and we aren't all cut from the same cloth, as they say.. But there are books that give you glimpses of just who your spouse might be and if they can be applied as a tool to fix your unhappiness, why not give anything a chance to help? We just have to try to learn each other, accept each other and work on becoming better at this marriage game as a couple... Which means you have to own your mistakes and learn from them.
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