My oldest dd just turned 14 and there is a young man who likes her. Today he showed up at our home with two of his friends. Now I do not have a problem with my dd having friends over as long as I know about it (with boys I need to home as well) AND they are behaved while they are here and follow our house rules. These kids were out of control. We have one of those blue easy set pools on our patio and they were doing dives into it that DUMPED water all over the patio and onto the grass. My dd KNOWS this is not appropriate use of this pool....besides it is small and it is for the younger kids anyway. Our underground sprinklers were on and they were stepping on them like it was a game of Whack-A-Mole. Finally, I could not stand it anymore and told them that if they were going to be at my home then they needed to treat my home with respect. And I made them clean out the pool before they left. My DD now HATES HATES HATES me. When did become wrong to expect children to treat others and their property with respect????

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 06:03 pm:

LOL, oh memories.... it is funny how post can make memories flood back in.

I dated a couple of idiots that sound like dd's "friends"... And yes she probably is mad. not only at you but at herself for hanging out with such jerks. but she isn't going to admit that to you.... I knew the house rules and I knew that when someone broke them I would hear about it.. I was afraid to say, "hey don't do that" because I would look uncool.. I was so torn between them showing off, acting like idiots and being afraid to tell them to knock it off... God, could you imagine what it would look like if you told them to stop having "fun"? This was one of the major issues my mom and I had and all the fighting made me fight to stay with the jerks longer... So stupid but so true...

Anyway, I can feel for you and as a former daughter that did the very same
thing to her mom. Stick firm to the rules. She won't hate you forever.. Things cost money and unless they are going to give you the money up front to fix the crap they break then they need to act like decent people or stay out of your house... It is your house and your rules.. She and her friends need to be respectful of your rules.

This too shall pass and despite what she feels right now, you are right... I would let things cool off and try to calmly explain to her that her friends have to follow the rules and if she doesn't want to or can't play the heavy that you have no problem doing it.... Ahhhh, the teen years....

By Cocoabutter on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 06:34 pm:

If she hates you, that just means that you are doing your job.

My son is 10, and I am just starting to get that attitude from him. YEA MOTHERHOOD!

By Karen~admin on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 06:56 pm:

Let her hate you, you really have to take a stand NOW, teenagers can be just awful. So many of them are disrespectful, not only of you but of your home and property. This will reinforce the rules to your DD and it sounds like you got the message across to her friends, too. She'll get over being mad at you. You can tell her that if she doesn't want to repeat that particular scene, then it's up to HER to make sure her friends know how they are expected to behave when with her, and when in your home. I used to tell my kids *YOU can tell them, or I will tell them*. They usually chose to tell them themselves. And on the occasions where they chose not to, were too embarrassed to, whatever, or when the visiting kids chose not to follow the rules, I stepped in and let them all know it.

By Mommmie on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 08:04 pm:

I'm just amazed at how destructive some of these boys are. It's shocking. My son isn't destructive, but all of his friends are. They break something just to be breaking something. I've banned lots and lots of kids over the years. I don't get it.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 01:20 am:

I haven't had any boys, over at our house, let alone have to tell them to behave! I would have told them, too. Too bad if she didn't like it. She had to have known they were being naughty, herself! I wouldn't have let them wreck my stuff, either.

By Karen~admin on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 08:35 am:

The boys *do* tend to be destructive, compared to the girls. The girls can be quite sneaky though, watch out for whispering little groups of 2 or 3, in out of the way corners! LOL

After 4 kids, I've had literally hundreds and hundreds of different kids/teens/young adults in my house over the years. I have to say, that I have probably banned 25% of them from ever returning. Friends bring friends who then brings friends along, and you don't know them. Unfortunately, gone are the days of being able to trust that A) they've been taught how to behave, B) they are respectful, and C) they can be trusted!

You HAVE to set limits, you have to have rules, and you have to enforce them, and you have the RIGHT to know *who* is in your home and what kind of person they are, and to insist that they behave and follow your rules when they are there, not just concerning your home, but particularly concerning your own children.

Take a tip from me, be nosey! Ask questions. KNOW who your kids are hanging out with and what they are doing. Never, never let your guard up for an instant. I made the mistake of being too trusting. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't.

So to all you mean, hateful moms, ^5 to you, you are doing a great job! :-)

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 09:53 am:

I agree 100%. I have kids in and out of this house all day long.. Having four kids, my back door is always swinging open and my phone is always ringing..

One reason, I prefer they be home than out running like their friends do, so we have always had an open door policy.. I made the rules clear to the kids (mine) as soon as their friends started being over all the time... And the rules are always evolving, since they seem to pull bone head idea's out of the air.. But the friends and my kids know that I care about them all and as an adult I am not going to sit back and not say something if they are out of line.. And attempting to break my stuff is way out of line.... They find, we all have a better time when they aren't making me angry and they know that my door is always open as long as they respect my door... Also, I tried not to be to "lame" with the rules. As I knew if I was way to strict, my kids would be leaving to be with these other kids... One way or another they would be with the kids that I didn't totally like the behavior of. I would prefer the "bad" kids be here and having to be on my game with their visits, than my kids be off with them some where.

Hope DD has her stuff together this morning..

By Debbie on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 10:21 am:

I'm dreading the teenage years. You know she may hate you now, but I think it is important for her, and her friends, to know what the rules are in your house. If you set the standards now, you can head things off before they really get out of hand.

I do think, unfortunately, that kids just don't behave like they used to. They don't have respect for others, or other people's things. I have had to ban a 10 yr. old neighbor from our house. Everytime he came in the house, he was breaking things. My boys didn't want him over anymore!! So, now if he comes over they play outside, and I supervise. But, I don't think he likes that because he doesn't come over much anymore.

I have posted before about problems with my immediate neighbor's kids. Well, we havn't been around them much, but now that it is summer they come over when my dks are outside riding bikes, or shooting baskets. They have turned into the rudest kids I have ever met, and they are only 6 and 4!! They use a disrespectful tone when talking to me, they are demanding, etc. It just floors me. I almost always end up sending them home when they come over. I dread what they will be like when they are teenagers. I am glad that my dks really don't enjoy playing, or being around them.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 11:44 am:

Debbie, I hear you.... The kids out there today sure are a different breed then we were. I remember yes sir and yes mam being one of the only things I said to many of my friends parents. In other words, I treated them with great respect.. Today, these kids, not so much.. one thing I have noticed is all the cussing.. I never cussed in front of an adult.. These kids will cuss like it is just another word. I am not clean mouthed by any means but I knew when it was okay to talk like a sailor and when I was supposed to keep it clean... If they cuss in front of me I correct them and tell them that talking in that way to an adult is disrespectful and that it looks badly on them.. As in they talk like they are stupid people will think they are stupid.. Usually works..

By Karen~admin on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 01:53 pm:

Bobbie, I have never heard so many kids use the eff-word before! It amazes me how many of them say it in conversation with adults!!!!!!

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 08:45 pm:

Definitely, make rules, enforce rules, and stick to your guns. Yes, she may hate you right now, but she - and you - will get over it. My middle son and I fought bitterly during his teen years, and many of the battles were over attitudes and behavioral issues (things that happened at school that weren't disciplinary issues at school but I thought his behavior was wrong, inappropriate, and out of line by my standards). I can happily tell you that this son, a couple of years after he moved out (while in college) came back to tell me that he was glad I was strict and enforced behavioral standards - even though many (maybe most) of his friends' parents didn't - because as he started dealing with the adult world he found that he *knew* how to behave and it worked well for him, while many of his friends didn't know how to behave appropriately and suffered for it.

As for language, I don't care how much certain words have become common parlance, you can still enforce language rules in your presence. I know my sons use language I don't approve of, but I can tell you that at 46, 41 and almost 40, they still don't use those words around me. (And, of course, they've never heard me use them except in the most dire circumstances.)

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 09:11 pm:

My children have a lot of friends over. I established rules early on. There has only been one boy that was disrespectful and before I said a word my son spoke up. He informed him that if he could not treat his family and home with respect he would not be welcome at our house. it was a proud mommy moment.
My sister has told stories of theft and damage by her children's friends. I do not understand that. I think you have to be on top of it. If a child will behave that way in front of you, imagine what they are doing when you are not looking. That is not the type of kid I want my children around. Let your daughter be mad. I would explain that showing respect for peoples property and home are a requirement of her friends. If she will not handle it, you will.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 11:20 pm:

Ginny, I still can't swear in front of my parents! LOL!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, August 1, 2007 - 11:02 am:

Dawn, there are a lot of people I will not swear around... My parents included.. My grandparents, aunts and uncles.. Many people..

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, August 1, 2007 - 01:48 pm:

Yeah, me too. It's more than must my parents! I hardly swear in front of friends, though, either.