I had typed all of this out on the kitchen table board, I had forgotten that I could'nt go anon. So I'm doing it here.
Ok, I am an addict. I've been illegaly taking pain killers off and on for the last 13 years. Daily for the last 3 years. This is destroying my marrige, my family, our finances, everything. I've tried to quit many, many times on my own with no luck. I DO NOT want this life-style! It is such a love/hate relationship. My mind tells me how bad it is, yet my body needs it to feel "normal". Finally, today I searched out some help. I started going to the methadone clinic to detox myself. I know there is a lot of people who missuse this facility. But, I am using it for what it is for. My councelor told me that I will take the methadone once per day for about 2 months, then every week or so thereafter I will decrease my dosage 2 milagrams at a time until I am methadone free! I really need this help, I just can't do it by myself! I know it is a slow process, but I really don't know what else to do. I am so scared, but in another way I'm very excited to finally be on the road to getting my life back! Please, please don't make me feel worse than I already do. I know I made major bad decisions. I am a good person who made bad choices. I need all the help and support I can get. My dh has been great, he supports me fully. I just really miss my old self. I want my life back. My kids deserve a healthy mom! I'm just so very scared. I've used this as a crutch for so many years. I want to be happy without it, I'm tired of thinking about it the min. I wake until I sleep at night. For anyone out there who has been in a simular situation, I need your advice. I'm changing the people I associated with, actually they won't want anything to do with me now anyway, they just wanted my money. This is such a big, much needed step. i come from a long line of substance abuse. Both parents-alcoholics, siblings-alcoholics, 2 aunts- pain pill addicts. I need to stop this cycle now.

By Trina~moderator on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 03:02 pm:

(((HUGS))) GOOD for you for acknowledging your addiction and seeking help! Stick with it. You can do it!

By Tink on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 03:14 pm:

You are such a strong woman to not allow this to be the most important thing in your life. You, your husband and your children deserve the best you and you'll never be that person with pain pills in your life. You can get through this and we're here for you any time you need a shoulder.

By Karen~admin on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 03:37 pm:

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Congratulations on taking the first step. Stop for a minute, and think about what a monumental decision you just made. You admitted not only to your DH, but to YOURSELF that you have a problem. You are no longer in denial. That's a HUGE step!!!!! Kudos to you for taking it!!!

Most of my mom's family were alcoholics. My X is an alcoholic. Some of my kids have abused alcohol and drugs in the past. So I truly know what it does to a family.

The fact that getting/taking the pain pills was the first and last thing you thought about daily is an indicator of your problem. Most people start using because of emotional issues. So, keep in mind, physically detoxing is the first step; addressing the reasons you used in the first place will take longer.

You've already made the choice/decision to get off of them, I truly hope you will follow through with counseling/therapy to understand *why* you used and how to NOT go back there.

Take this one step at a time. You have a supportive DH, you have people here you can vent to. There is much more I could say/want to say, but at this point, I know you are struggling, both emotionally and physically, so it can wait.

I have some experience with close family members dealing with this, so if you want to email me off the board, I promise to keep your identity private. And I totally understand if you would prefer not to.

Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!

By Kym on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 05:20 pm:

Anon, I am sitting here crying for you, i"m so proud of you for taking these first painful steps, and I'm so happy for your children that they will have their mom back! Pain Pill addiction took my wonderful mothers life, so when you say you are a good person that has made poor choices, I KNOW the truth in that. Just know that mistakes you make can be "made up for" forgivness can be given, new experiences and family memories can occur, but death is oh so final. As I'm sure you are experiencing these pills destroy your body death can come from many different problems with addiction. I will pray for you that your treatment works for you. I would love to offer very personal support if you need, like Karen, I have experience in this, unfortunatley I've learned too much after my mothers death, but am a non judgemental ear/shoulder if you need it. kbaltunis at cox dot net, use it whenever you need it.

Many Many Blessings to you, please take the time you need, nothing you do to get well will be considered anything but necessary and admirable to those that love you.

By Rayelle on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 06:16 pm:

No advice, I just think it is very brave what you are doing. It takes a lot to admit you have a problem and even more to do something about it. Your life will change for the better You can come here anytime.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 06:21 pm:

You are moving in the right direction, and I will hold you in my prayers. The prayer I recommend to you is my favorite - "Lord, give me strength." And remember - you can't change yesterday, and you can't live tomorrow in advance. All you have to do is live one day at a time.

By Kay on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 08:20 pm:

I am so proud of you for admitting this to us - I am praying for you, and I know that you can do this! It takes a very strong person to share such information - that means that you are strong enough to succeed against this addiction!

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

By Kateg on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 09:24 pm:

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} You are in my thoughts & prayers.

By Imamommyx4 on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 09:38 pm:

And don't beat yourself up if you backslide a little. Pick yourself up and realize it for what it is. A gnat wanting you to stay down. Swat it away and resume the path you need to follow.

My best wishes and prayers go with you thru this tough time.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 09:58 pm:

I admire your strength in admitting your addiction and what it is/has done to your life and your family. You are taking the first most important step and YOU CAN beat this! You are in my prayers, and I'm sending the best wishes to you and your family through this difficult time.

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 10:15 pm:

Anon,
Many, many hugs. You can do this. You've admitted that you have a problem, and that really is the hardest part. There is no shame in what you are going through, it happens to people of all status, age, race, etc. I've BTDT, I battled addiction before I had my kids, and it really is one of the hardest things to face, but you do get to a point where you don't think about it all day, every day. If you ever want to talk privately, my email is cjaping at gmail dot com. Best of luck, honey... you will be ok.

By Amecmom on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 11:04 pm:

So many hugs and great applause! We ALL have addictions - some of them are just more socially acceptable and less interfering with daily life than others.
I admire your honesty and courage and am sending lots of prayer and good wishes your way.
Now, if you got started on "pain pills" you had a medical condition which got out of hand. I hope you can still take care of that medical condition.
Ame

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - 11:41 pm:

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 03:05 pm:

{{{{HUGS}}}} You can do this!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 03:41 pm:

So many hugs... I think you are making the right choice and know we are here to support you in this challenging time.. Many more hugs. We are here.. I have never walked in your shoes but I can feel your distress.. This is a good move and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.. I hope you know that you can come here anytime you need to let go.. We all have our crosses to bare and your is no worse than the next. I can not sit in judgement of you and I think you are a strong woman for taking the steps to get help not only yourself but your children... So many more hugs to you.. Please keep us updated.

By Nicki on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 03:51 pm:

I've been thinking about you since reading your post, and I am keeping you in my prayers. You are already on your way to wellness. Just take baby steps, and know you can come here anytime. I've had my own challenges and would never judge you. I admire what you have decided to do for yourself and your family.
Hugs and prayers coming your way.

By Shellyg on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 07:11 pm:

I think the first step is acknowledging the problem, good for you! I wish you the best.

By Sandysmom on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 08:48 pm:

((((BIG HUGS)))) Good for you for seeking help! You can do this & we'll all be thinking about you & praying for you.

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 12:56 am:

No advice just lots of {{{{hugs}}}}.

By Anonymous on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 12:57 am:

I'd like to thank all of you for your support and kindness! You just don't know how many times I've wondered- what have I done? But, many more times I've thought- you can do this! You will do this! One of the hardest things was to tell my parents. I honestly, probebly wouldn't have told them, but I will need a babysitter on many days so I can take the 40 min. drive to the detox clinic. I have to go daily for a couple months. I've always been really close to my mom, but what parent expects this? At first there was shock, wanting to know how I let this happen, what will happen next, then after about 30 min. of talking and tears, I got the support I knew I would get. I've had to avoid many phone calls from "friends" that are trying to sell. I'm just not ready to come out to everyone..it's scary. I will soon. I will soon find out who is really a true friend, I'm positive many of them I will probebly never hear from again after I tell them that I'm not interested, and trying to get well. Oh well, those aren't the kinds of friends that I want anyway! I have to go to a "group" meeting next week at the clinic. I'm nervous about this too. I'm really just a bunch of nerves lately LOL. I cry easily, with a bit of insomnia. I'm sure this will pass. Keep me in your prayers, when it comes time to start decreasing my methadone I will need to be extra strong. I just take one look at my kids and know that I will be okay thanks again, it means the world!

By Karen~admin on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 08:19 am:

I've always been really close to my mom, but what parent expects this?

NO parent does. I'm one of those parents. I can say with pretty much certainty that NO ONE expects to become an addict, either. It's just proof how these things can spiral out of control.

You are showing incredible strength and resolve right now. You've taken several huge, HARD steps. But brutal honesty is the only way you can do this.

I will soon find out who is really a true friend. Yes, you will. And your TRUE friends will support you, encourage you, be there for you. Anyone else doesn't deserve to be in your life. Eliminate the negative, the toxic people. And trust me, the ones who sell to you, or give you a hard time, or try to lure you back into that lifestyle are TOXIC. But you know that, don't you? :-)

I think you'll benefit from group meetings, and then eventually one-on-one therapy, and maybe even some family counseling. The way you are feeling is due to your body craving what it's had for so long, not having it, and trying to adjust to it. It will be hard, but it will pass.

Again, just take it one day at a time!!!!! You're doing great. And my offer above still stands.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Kym on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 09:59 am:

It's so great to hear from you and with a lightness to your post!

Rely on the support you have you can't worry about the others just yet. I would say if it is a "friend" who is calling to sell, they are really not friends anyway. However telling them upfront that you are on the path to recovery will cease the phone calls, so it may be worth taking that huge step sooner rather than later, to end the temptation.

Just as soon as you are ready start some sort of exercising, it will help tremendously with the physical symptoms of changing your body.

Kudos again, and please keep us posted so we can cheer you on and lift you up!

By Reeciecup on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 01:20 pm:

(((((Prayers and Hugs)))))
You are doing the right thing. You are putting your children first the way it should be. They deserve and need a healthy mom. Don't give up on yourself. You deserve a better life also.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 03:40 pm:

I also am glad to hear from you. One thing about the group setting (think of it as a support group) is that you are with people who have "been there done that", and they will know exactly where you are coming from. They will also know the pitfalls, the places and kinds of people to avoid, and if you try to shade or 'white lie' about about anything, they'll know that too.

Keep on keeping on, my dear - one day at a time. God bless your mom for being the right kind of mom and supporting you.

By Breann on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 04:45 pm:

I am so proud of you for taking this giant first step. What a brave thing to do. You will be able to beat this. We will all be here for you!

(((((hugs)))))

By Pamt on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 09:34 pm:

You can do it!! ((Anon)). We're pulling for you!

By Cat on Friday, July 27, 2007 - 11:43 am:

{{{{{Anon}}}}} You can do this. Lots of prayers and support.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, July 27, 2007 - 06:17 pm:

Praying for you every day, Anon. Remember - you only have to live one day at a time.

By Conni on Friday, July 27, 2007 - 08:34 pm:

(((Warm Hugs))) We are here for you! And I want you to know that...I have made so many mistakes in my life and have done and still do so many things wrong, all the time... just want you to know, that I am very proud of you for owning up to your situation and taking the steps to help yourself. That's such a measure of strength. You and your family will be blessed.

(((More HUGS))) You'll be in my prayers.

Conni

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 11:10 am:

One day at a time is correct.. Big hugs and hopes for a great weekend...

By Karen~admin on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 12:51 pm:

Ditto Kym on the exercise. And I was going to suggest increasing your water intake, to help purge the toxins from your body. Also, maybe start taking vitamin C a couple times daily, to help your immune system since this is obviously very stressful on your body, emotionally and physically. I'm a firm believer in Emergen-C - I use it all the time, when I travel, after I work out, when I'm feeling stressed, when someone around me is ill. Comes in a LOT of flavors, just mix it in a bottle of water and you've gotten your vitamin C AND your water in. :-)

Hope you have a good weekend!

By Kym on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 06:19 pm:

Hi Anon, I checked in today to see if there was an update from you, I hope no news is good news, but even if you are having a rough time, please let us know how you are. Karen I LOVE emergen-c and agree it's a great immune defense and definately follow Karen's advice and get some in you, it's so easy to take and really boosts energy also, it's loaded with lots of good vitamins and minerals besides just C

Hope to hear from you soon, hang in there we are all cheering for you.

By Dana on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 08:16 pm:

I found this thread today. My heart goes out to you and what is ahead of you. Prayers for total success on beating this. What a great thing to do for your family and yourself.

By Anonymous on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 12:01 am:

At this time I'm not going through withdraw. The clinic I'm going to is a methadone clinic. For those of you not familiar with it, I'll try to explain. All different kinds of addicts go to this clinic. They treat people hooked on herion, cocaine, oxycontin, and prescription pain meds. like vicoden, lortab, darvocet, and percocet. There might be more, but right now I can't think of them. Anyway, the clinic gives the "patient" methadone. This is a man-made opiate. This is to keep people off the streets, keeps them out of jail, keeps them from sharing dirty needles, getting disease, and keeps them from financial debt, for some, it keeps them from dying. Some people will keep going for years and use it as a maintanence drug, others like myself, will be winged off it after a few months. Some people think that methadone clinics are a bad thing, that's it is just trading one addiction for another. In a way they are right, but with the clinic's help my dose of methadone will be lowered until I'm methadone free. I, like most addicts just cannot "wing" theirselves off drugs. The way I'm doing it, my body will not go into major withdraw because they lower the dose very slowly. The treatment center will keep me from getting arrested, from overdose, from lots of trouble that I faced on the streets everyday. There is a lot of info. online about these clinics. There are hundreds of them in the U.S. I hope this answers a lot of questions, and I'm sure this will bring a lot of questions too. Some of you may not support this kind of facility. I know what I need to do to get clean and that is all that matters. Another thing, I do not walk around all day "high". I just don't get that feeling anymore. I use just to feel "normal".

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 04:20 am:

I asked my son about methadone, and he says that yes, when you are under proper supervision - as you are - you can be weaned off of it by gradually lowering the dose. And weanng off methadone doesn't have the horrible effects we've read of (and seen in films) that come from going off opiates.

You're right, Anon, that's the horrible insidious effect of many drugs - after a while the addict needs the drugs to feel "normal", even when in your brain you know it is not normal.

I cannot tell you how much I applaud you for taking the steps to change your life this way. It is very frightening and very brave to give up what has been your crutch for facing life. And I am so glad you are doing it with a proper support program, because that will make it as easy as it can be (which, I am sure, is not really easy) and make it more likely that you will win this battle.

Keep on keeping on.

By Karen~admin on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 09:30 am:

Methadone, as some of you might be surprised to learn, is widely used in pain management for patients with severe, chronic pain. And as Anon points out, it's used to wean addicts off of other pain meds or illegal drugs. It's like any other drug or medication of this class, you become physically dependent, and must be weaned off of it slowly. But the benefits of detoxing/getting clean this way are numerous, when done under controlled conditions.

And in getting off these drugs in this manner, you have the chance to also get help to address your psychological/emotional need for the drugs you were using in the first place.

Anon, you are doing great at this point. Please, whenever you need to vent or *talk* about how you're feeling, remember you have a lot of support here. Talking about it is a heck of a lot better than bottling it up inside.

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Anonymous on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 11:14 am:

Karen and Ginny....thank you, thank you, I was so afraid what would happen after my last post. I was so afraid that the support I had been getting from you all would diminish.A lot of people around here, in my town, look down on those who go to the clinic. Yes, a lot of these people abuse the system, but it can be done correctly. Thanks again!

By Conni on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 11:29 am:

Glad to hear from you Anon! ummm, you won't get any loss of support from me girl! ;) Hang in there, you can do this!!! We are here for you...Keep us posted. Have they discussed with you how many months this could take for you? I find it interesting to hear of this technique. Makes perfect sense to me?? I stopped some anti-depressants cold turkey several years back and went whacko for a week. I don't recommend that route. lol ;)

Conni

By Nicki on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 01:01 pm:

Ditto, Conni. Makes sense to me, too. I've tried to get off anti-depressants too fast. It's not the way, and it was one of the most frightening experiences. I had to get back on them and decrease slowly. You are doing the right thing!
So much admiration for you, Anon. I mean that sincerely.
Hugs. Please come and talk with us whenever you need to. We're here with you all the way.:-)
Love, Nicki

By Tunnia on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 02:02 pm:

I am so glad you are getting the help you need anon and I wish you all the luck in the world that you will be able to reclaim your life!

I have never heard of Methadone before, but if it helps people get off other drugs and then wean off the Methadone until they're drug-free with minimal side effects then I think it is a wonderful option and I'm glad it's available to you! Many prayers for you and your family.

By Debbie on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 06:21 pm:

Hey, whatever it takes, is my motto. As long as you are doing what it takes to be healthy, and whole again, that is what matters!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 10:10 am:

It isn't our place to judge what you are doing, we are not in your shoes.

You are taking the steps to help yourself and in turn help your children.. This form of help is out there for a reason, this is a very difficult journey to take on your own, us it and any/all other help you can find..

My hope for you is strength and in time a solid recovery..

"Walk" at the pace you need to "walk" and as long as you are moving forward take pride in it.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 02:33 pm:

Your last post has been running through my head all day...

We can't judge your addiction.. We are all addicted to something.. Food, spending money, so on and so forth... I think we all/most of us strive to self destruct ourselves whether we know/will admit it or not and you are just facing your demonds... I for one am proud of you for stepping up and facing this... To me it shows an inner strength that if nourished you will get through this....

Many hopes for you...

By Karen~admin on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 02:41 pm:

Bobbie, you are so right.

By Cat on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 02:42 pm:

Ditto Debbie. You're doing whatever it takes. We're here for you--always. Hugs

By Sandysmom on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 06:28 pm:

No judgment here! I agree with Bobbie; I think we all have something in our lives that we need to work on. You're doing the best you can and you're headed in the right direction. Keep us updated as we care deeply about how you're doing.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 07:14 pm:

Hey, Anon. Keeping you in my thoughts every day.

But, let's start a new thread tomorrow - is that OK?