I hate going anon because I have nothing to hide from anyone here, but I'd never hear the end of it from my family. I am home all day with 3 kids who no longer nap or anything. My dh is currently working 2 jobs and has money making hobbies he does on the weekends. He wants to spend every spare second he has with the kids. Fine. His parents live a block away and his 30 year old sister still lives with them. She has an unpleasant attitude and weighs 400 pounds. She hurt her back and I had to come up with some poor excuse as to why I didn't want her to come here to recover. For one thing, if she fell on her way to the bathroom or something, I can not help her up. She is whiny when there is no reason to be and I don't want to be around her when there is a reason. My mil has called me no less than 5 times today asking if I have talked to sil today. Again, she is 30. Dh understands me not wanting her here but doesn't understand why it irritates me that she thought for a second that I would want her here. His parents hate each other so I have to do things like schedule dr. appointments for my fil because he has some phone phobia. I don't mind doing that but it bugs me that the reason I do is because his wife has been doing it for 40 years and now says she doesn't care if he lives or dies. I personally don't care to talk to these people ever again. They are invasive. When his dad comes he'll tell the kids to turn off video games becasue he wants to watch tv. It's not like it's a special vist, he comes here 5 times a day. His mother calls here because she is too lazy to actually get out of the car. She'll pull up, honk the horn and if I refuse to respond to that laziness she calls incessantly from her cell phone for the kids to go out and say hi. She also calls here the second dh comes home from work everyday. He's hardly here and she won't let him get in the door. He has told her to give him a minute and we've tried not answering the phone but she just keeps calling! Over and over and over. I just want some peace. My family lives nearby but seem to get that I am an adult. I don't even talk to my mother once a day. What I don't understand is it seems to bother dh too and I think since it's his family he should tell them to cool it. He does sometimes but it never sticks. Ugh! Thanks for letting me vent.

By Karen~admin on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 02:45 pm:

Wow! Sounds like it's time for YOU to set some boundaries! Some SERIOUS boundaries. You are a SAHM with 3 children, you have plenty of responsibility. I think it's time for a serious conversation with DH, and time for both of you to set some boundaries, decided what you are and are NOT willing to do, and then let the rest of the extended family know. I believe in helping out family (and friends , but not at the cost of anyone's emotional and/or physical health. And when people are just lazy.........well, I have ZERO patience with laziness, so that would be the kicker for me!!!!!

Three words...........JUST SAY NO..............

BTW, sounds like you could *really* use some ME-Time. Sorry you are in the middle of things, hopefully you will find your way out of it.

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 03:47 pm:

Might need to have a sit down with DH.. After you make up a list of the things that are bothering you, so you can stay on topic and you need to hear out his side of things also.. This is his family, he knows how they work and he might be afraid to make waves.. Sounds like a my way or the highway type of family... Which means he will turn out to be the BIG MEANIE if he confronts them and most men pride themselves on keeping the peace. You two need to set some ground rules and then he needs to decide what he needs to share with his parents as far as what they are. There will be things that he and you can work through with out having to make waves with his family..

Maybe say something to the effect of... I am having some issues with your family and I need to get your insight on things, as I am really stressed about the situations that I feel like I am being drug into.. These are my issues.. How do you feel we should address these issues, would probably be a good stater statement.. When your/my mom does this, this is how we will address it.. When your/my dad does that this is how we will address that.. This this and this has to be brought to the table with mom, dad, SIL and maybe it is time for a family meeting with them to explain the truths of your life... Both of you sitting there so that they see you are on common ground with this stance.. No breaking the rules this time...

More HUGS!!!

By Mom2three1968 on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 03:48 pm:

Wow, what a mess!! If it were me I would want to move, change my number and leave no forwarding address. But that is easier said than done I know. I would be pulling my hair out of my head. I agree that you need boundaries set, you are a prisoner in your own home the way it is right now. I hope you get something figured out soon. And get a day away for yourself...

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 04:30 pm:

OMGOSH.....I'd soooo move. I can't believe they are that rude. Seems like the same courtesies they have for strangers aren't the same ones they have for family. I would ask DH to set some limits and let them know that you are not going to answer the phone more than once a day if they are calling. 3 kids and they are bothering YOU?? Do they watch the kids and feel like you owe them or something?

By Bellajoe on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 04:35 pm:

I was thinking the same thing, Heidi. I'm thinking MOVE TO THE NEXT STATE! What a nightmare for you.

Next time she keeps calling, take the phone off the hook.

Boundaries definitely need to be set.

((HUGS)))

By Enchens on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 05:23 pm:

Sheesh! Another vote for moving.

In all seriousness, you've already been given good advice, that I find nothing to add but (hugs).

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 06:41 pm:

Another vote for moving...

We live an hour away from our extended family. It's a hassle on holidays and now that MIL (divorced from FIL for 28 years) is getting older and in need of more help, but I think it's been a Godsend in that my FIL's wife is a difficult person to get along with. We don't go through the drama with them on a regular basis because we are too far away, so we just get it in small doses when we go for visits. (Father's Day this year was with FIL and was total agony.)

It sounds like your hubby doesn't have what it takes to cut the apron strings and stand up on his own against his parents, particularly his mother. Perhaps there was never any good role modeling of independence and self-sufficiency, which is probably why your SIL is still dependent on MIL, who seems to need to control what everyone does, says, feels, or thinks so that she can keep everyone catering to her. What's sad is that FIL probably just wants to get away from MIL for some peace and quiet.

And-- if you move away, your hubby will likely become a stronger individual. A real MAN!

By Amecmom on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 07:49 pm:

So sorry . Don't be too hard on your husband, though. It's been my experience that a man who is respectful of his mother is also respectful of his wife. In essence - a GOOD man. He may just have trouble setting limits with her. I'm sure he does not want to hurt her, and is not sure how he can set some boundaries without doing so.
He needs to know that this behavior is hurting you.
Perhaps the two of you can come up with a plan where there is no confrontation, but a slow change of "habits".
When MIL calls on the phone, answer and as politely as you can, say, "Hi - we're fine, just very busy - got to run now, thanks for calling".
If she gets enough of this many times a day (rather than the machine) she will have no excuse to run over to your house and no way to badmouth you.
Put good curtains on your windows and put your car out of sight. This way if she does come by unexpectedly you don't have to answer. If you can't put the car out of sight - ignore the horn and say later on, "I was in the shower" or "bathroom" or "basement" or "backyard" when she calls later on.
The main thing is that you and your hubby have to be on the same page, and have to handle to problem with love and respect for one another.
Hugs to you.
Ame

By Jelygu on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 09:51 pm:

Ugh... so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine my family behaving that way. All good advice above, ESPECIALLY about getting some "me-time". You should make that your number one priority!

By Nicki on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 10:47 pm:

I'm so sorry you are in this position, Anon. Just reading your post made me feel anxious. In your place, I would feel like running away for a a few days! You need and are entitled to your privacy. Your inlaws sound very intrusive and insensitive. You need to have some space.
I hope things will improve. You sound like you're at a point where they need to, and soon.
Hugs and good luck.

By Wandilu on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 10:48 pm:

I strongly suggest that you get into a good boundaries class or read some good books on it. It helps you to know that you are not alone,and is very encouraging and supportive, which is what you need right now.Especially if you can get into a group.You'd be surprised at how great it feels to talk to other people that is going thru similar situations as you are, and knowing you have their support.I have a real hard time setting boundaries, and it has helped me greatly to do these things.Also, if it is possible AT ALL, find a way to move.Even if it is only 30 minutes away! Put some space between yall and maybe it would be harder for them to come over so much. Good Luck

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 07:14 am:

Anon, I've been thinking about your post. Absolutely, your in-laws are very disrespectful of you and your family, your right and need to have privacy, and your right to not be at their beck and call any time they get a notion. They did, however, raise the man you married and are still married to, so apparently they did something right.

I don't think you can start any kind of program about all of these issues until you and dh sit down and have a long and serious talk about the problems and find out whether you are both on the same page. I would hope that you are. If you aren't, then you have another set of problems - how do you draw boundaries and make rules for his parents if he is not supporting you. So I think you need to have that long talk first, before you start any other steps.

That said, I would start with specific steps. Tell FIL you will not make his phone calls for him. He is a grown man and should be able to make his own doctor appointments. If he can't deal with it on the phone, then he needs to get in the car or on the bus and go to the doctor's office to make the appointment. And tell FIL he cannot come to your house without a specific invitation and if he comes over to watch TV he will not be allowed to and will not be allowed to interfere with your family's activities. And further, if he comes over without a specific invitation you might decide to not answer the door or let him in.

I would tell MIL (1), SIL cannot stay in your house; (2) you will not call SIL because she is not a nice person and you don't want to talk to her; (3) you will talk to MIL on the phone x times per day and will not talk to her more frequently, and if she drives over and honks her horn in front of your house you will ignore her and forbid your children to go out to her. If the neighbors call the police on her for the noise-making that will be her problem. You and dh agree that he will speak to MIL once in the evening, but only when he is ready to speak with her. If she calls either you will not answer the phone or will take it off the hook until dh is ready to speak with MIL - and if she drives over, same thing.

If I remember earlier posts, these people cannot run their own lives with any success and they are trying to drag dh and you into their chaos. If you are going to prevent this you and dh need to be united and make (and stick to) some firm rules that will help to keep this chaos out of your lives. If you don't agree on and stick to some clear rules, this chaos will envelop your family and you will have your own chaos to deal with. This kind of thing can break up families and ruin lives - and I'm not kidding.

Or, as many others above suggest - MOVE.

I think you are caught in a trap - or two traps. First, these people are dh's parents, and you don't want to treat them badly because it might hurt dh. And, they are your in-laws and in a normal setting you would want to treat them with respect and be helpful when they need help. Which shows your parents did a good job of raising you. But this is not a normal situation. This is a mentally unhealthy situation and these people are unhealthy. Think of it as protecting your family from a contagious disease and set up some form of quarantine.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 07:35 am:

"Think of it as protecting your family from a contagious disease and set up some form of quarantine." Oh, lol so true..

I agree with Ginny, if boundaries aren't set this will spill over to your children... They are seeing you, themselves, their dad and your homes disrespected...

How are you doing today?

By Amecmom on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 09:43 am:

LOL! Yes quarantine - but stealthy quarantine.
But seriously, you must be careful of what is actually said. I know in our family (highly insultable Italians that we are) things can usually be resolved as long as no one has to lose face. You don't want to put anyone in a position where they have to lose face.
So, I'm thinking a direct confrontation, discussion, explanation, etc. will not help and may just cause hurt feelings. Once you and your husband are on the same page, then act as one and try to limit their intrusion on your lives.
As I suggested in my earlier post, answer the phone but get off quick, say - oh if I get around to it, I'll call SIL - you KNOW how busy I am with the kids, etc. If she comes over, let the horn blare a few times - eventually she'll go away. And if she gets angry then you just have to say in the sweetest voice possible that you didn't hear her. You were in the basement, etc.
As far as phone calls for your FIL - that's up to you. It sounds like you don't mind doing that so much. Also, when he "drops by" say oh hi (dad, gramps - whatever you call him) I'm sorry, we were just on our way out. Or- I'd love to have you visit with us now, but we're about to ... (whatever you all might do together).
I know it sound like playing games, but sometimes that's what needs to be done whe people cannot see that their behavior is hurting you, and you don't want to hurt them.

The root cause of all this I think is loneliness. They have nothing else to think about, no where else to go, so they bother you.
Ditto, Bobby. I hope you are doing better. It's not an easy place you are in.
Ame

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 11:25 am:

Ame, I agree 100%..

By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 11:46 am:

Thanks everyone. Sometimes they make me feel like there is something wrong with me for not wanting all this "attention". Ginny you are so right, I have posted about them before. I so bad want to tell mil that when she gets her life together than she can start telling me how to run mine, until then zip it. I am uncomfortable with confronting them, especially fil. He does come here because he enjoys seeing the children and to get away from mil. Sometimes I feel like his bad marriage is not my problem but mostly I feel bad. I don't like him telling the kids to turn on the tv, but it is to stuff they like at least. Or he has them do that and then they make paper airplanes or he takes them outside. Yesterday when he did that I told him I told the kids they could play a video game and hadn't been playing that long and it was no big deal. Sometimes he helps me clean up after dinner and stuff. Since they're not all bad that's what makes it hard to confront. Dh has told them off plenty of times, especially his mom. They taught him nothing of financial responsibility. Dh told me that they went to the beach once a year but when they came back soemething was turned off, like the cable or electric. Mil still lets her bills get to a term notice before paying and lives it up for a month or two in between. I couldn't stand to live like that. We have been behind on bills due to job loss and it was stressful and hard to catch up. Sometimes even his sister is ok, but she is so moody it's a crap shoot.

When it comes down to it, they are family and that's what makes this hard. I'm proud of my dh because I think it would be hard to escape that way of thinking if that's how you were brought up. I think he feels a little guilty about having a better quality of life. We try to help but it's all in vain. It's not like we're wealthy either. If I get a good stockpile of something we use with coupons, mil complains to other family members that I am selfish and didn't give some to her. Meanwhile, a box of grocery items I gave her 2 months ago sits unused on their kitchen table because she goes out to eat 4 times a day. That kind of stuff.

Thanks so much for listening. Dh is working a lot and I feel alone in this sometimes. I've re typed this a lot because it kept getting too long! Since there are good days as well as bad I'm afraid of taking away the good. I need to strike a balance. Thanks. We don't plan on living her forever, but I'm going to talk to dh to make it more pleasant while we do.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 11:10 pm:

You know, to me it sounds like you know what you need to do.. And that you had yourself a nice little vent.. Maybe it isn't so much what they are doing but what you have aloud them to do that is bothering you? As in your told FIL the kids had just started playing and it was no big deal to him.. Maybe he doesn't see the game as something they can do together. They didn't have game systems in his day after all.. The shows he can connect to.. See what I am saying, from the original post, I assumed he was taking over the TV, as in turning on the news or something of that nature..

I could tell you some bad family stories.. I bet DH's family would put your DH's family to shame...

There are ladies on here that wish the grandparents in their lives would be involved, not to the extreem yours are but still.. The only grandparent our children see is my MIL and that is because she lives with us.. We have 9 living parents, step parents and a set of grandparents between us and they see one... DH has two brothers and a sister and none see the kids, life is to busy ect... I have two sisters and they are involved but that doesn't make up for everyone else that would rather get drunk or lay around and watch tv than spend time with the kids... Sorry, my own little vent there....

Anyway, you need to do some soul searching and then a chat with DH is in order.. Big hugs..

By Anonymous on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 09:20 am:

You're right Bobbie, I needed to vent. Mil still gets on my nerves though, all the time not just when I'm mad! Argh! My parents could care less about time with the grandkids. I'm the oldest of three and the only one with kids. My mom never comes over,almost never watches them etc. My dad is even less interested. I really don't understand because my mom's mom was very involved in our life and I saw her nearly everyday. Another factor that makes ticking mil off tricky. Then the kids have no involved grandma. Biting my tongue is hard! Thanks.

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 05:32 pm:

Are you sure they are not interested, or are they waiting for you to call and make arrangements? Maybe they don't want to come to your house because they fear they will run into your in-laws...

I have that problem. My parents don't like my FIL and his wife. They avoid them at all costs. In addition, they don't like to drive in the city where we live, so we always end up driving out to their house, 55 miles away.

I have always had a close relationship with my parents, and if they are "normal" and mentally healthy, I think you and your family could benefit from spending more time with your parents.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 10:49 pm:

(((Hugs))) I've got no advice, just feel free to vent here!