Our pastor's dd and another young man from our church are getting married August 4th. We were invited to the wedding and I was invited to the bridal shower. Unfortunatly, we can't go to either because of our schedule. Do I send gifts to both or just the wedding OR just the bridal shower? It's been forever since we've been invited to a wedding so I have no clue! The wedding invitation didn't say anything about where they were registered, but the bridal shower invite did. what do you think???

By Reds9298 on Sunday, July 8, 2007 - 10:05 pm:

If it were me, and when that has happened in the past, I've always sent a gift for both. The shower gift isn't as large, but I still send something. Not sure what others do, but that's me.

By Andi on Sunday, July 8, 2007 - 10:32 pm:

I would also send a gift to both. Something small fo the shower and a nicer gift for the wedding.

By Kate on Sunday, July 8, 2007 - 11:46 pm:

I would send a wedding gift only.

By Vicki on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 08:06 am:

I personally would send a gift to both.

By Dandjmom on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 08:32 am:

I would do both. I fell a bridal shower gift should be something for the bride and the wedding gift a gift for both of them.

By Kaye on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 09:12 am:

I think this is a regional thing. In the south, you only take one gift, even if you attend both.

Also wtg for her to not include a registry with the invite. Emily Manners would be pleased!

By Tarable on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 11:13 am:

I either buy a gift for each or I get something a little bigger than I normally would to send for just the wedding. I personally like sending 2 gifts more.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 01:30 pm:

I had no clue, so I decided to do a search and according to what I can find on wedding etiquette.. You are under no obligatation to send a gift for the bridal shower if you do not attend. That is according to what I can find written by Emily Post, Judith Martin - Miss Manners and several other etiquette sites.. Giving a gift at a shower is like giving a gift to the host of a party and since you aren't attending you are not being hosted.. Thus no gift is required.

I am also finding that it is bad manners to invite everyone from the wedding invitation list to your shower. The bridal shower is supposed to be an intimate celebration for those close to the bride, as the wedding day can be hectic this gives her a chance to socialize/celebrate with the ones she loves prior to the craziness that can occur at a reception. Those invited to a wedding are often friends of family, associates from work and such that do not know the bride personally and have no reason to want to attend a private celebration and should not be invited..

However, I would assume that because a church congregation is supposed to be seen as family, that is their reasoning behind the invitation, as those not invited might take offense.. An invite does not obligate you to attend, from what I am reading not attending doesn't obligate you to buy a gift. *shrugs, okay?*

Now the wedding gift becomes tricky... If you attend the wedding you are expected to buy a gift, give money, something. If you are personally connected to the bride and groom you are expected to buy a gift whether you attend or not. However, let say if the person is a the daughter of a co worker, someone that you may have heard about, maybe seen a few times, someone that you don't personally know you are not obligated to send a gift. It is seen as bad manners to invite people for the sake of inviting them, which I guess has become common place.. As in the more people the more gift, "gift grabbing" is the term they use... Although, like I stated above, they are likely inviting the whole congregation to save hurt feelings by not inviting everyone..

From what I am finding, proper manners would require mailing/delivering the wedding gift prior to the shower with a short note of regret and best wishes... They are saying that it use to be that you could send a gift up to a year after the actual wedding but they are saying that is now bad manners.. *once again, shrugs, okay?*

I also found out that if you are not invited to the wedding but sent an announcement after the fact. You are not obligated to send a gift.. A card of congratulations is acceptable but not required. Etiquette of sending a gift, however, says that it should be mailed with in three months of the announcement. This is also the rule for birth announcements.


It is also bad manners/etiquette to send a registry on any invitation... You are to register but you are to have the registry information available at request from the guest. If you feel the need to include a registry, you are to print it up on a separate sheet of paper and state on the paper these are general suggestions, "Having a hard time thinking of a gift? I am registered here.", for example.. Including a registry, sends out a message of expectation of the quality, quantity and the monetary value of gifts. Which is seen as (here's those words again) "gift grabbing" and in very bad taste.. I read a gift is a gift only if it has thought behind it and a registry is a shopping list and takes the personal touch out of buying for the celebration and the people might as well just ask for money and buy the things themselves.. Which by the way, making a request for money is also in bad taste... It should also be something that the person in charge of the RSVP suggest when contacted for a suggestion. "Well, at this time.. Billy and Sue are saving for a Honeymoon and their will be a basket on the reception table for monetary donations." "After discussion, the wedding party will be pulling together funds to help the bride and groom XYZ, if you would like to donate it would be greatly appreciated."


So many etiquette rules for so many things, so many rules to break that it is not even funny..

I suggest you do what you feel you want to do.. I personally would, send/take the wedding gift to the bride prior to the bridal shower, as suggested, with a quick note of regret and best wishes and I would be done with it... but that is just me...

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 02:10 pm:

Oh and believe it or not.. Rules of etiquette change depending on who is doing the inviting.. A family member of the bride is not supposed to throw the party, unless they are a member of the bridal party and if there is a member of the bridal party that isn't family it is suggested that they be the host of the party...

Parents are not supposed to be invited to a bachelorette party as it is supposed to be a last hooray of the bride and her dearest friends. You are not supposed to request that the people pay for their own attendance at a bachelorette party. "I want to go to Vegas and everyone has to pay 150 for their part of the hotel." You are also not to take offense if you choose to have a wedding out of state and people can't attend.. They suggest you throw a Jack and Jill party/a shower for couples prior to the wedding.. Which by the way is the only time it is proper to invite people to a party for a wedding when they aren't actually invited to a wedding... Sooo. if you are planning a small wedding with only a few in attendance it is bad manners to throw a bridal shower and invite people that aren't invited to the wedding... However, you can throw a house warming party after the fact, but gifts are not to be requested and if they are given they aren't to be opened at the party..

Oh... And did you know... That the only people invited to the wedding are the people on the invitation.. If it says, Mr and Mrs family of, your children are expected to attend.. But if it doesn't list your children, the family of, or something that includes your children it is expected that you will not bring them. AND unless an invitation say, Ms or Mr so and so and guest you are expected to attend alone... Many will send an RSVP card with the number of guest to be attending and you are able to include your children or guest in the tally but only at that time are you able to request anyone attends beyond the people on the invitation.. LOL In the case of a meal during the reception.. Tallies are taken months in advance and the food is paid for based on the number attending.. So if there is no request for number attending they are not planning to feed extra people, thus you aren't supposed to invite a date at the last minute or decide to bring the kids along if they weren't properly invited...

Like I said, so many rules to break....

By Cat on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 02:50 pm:

Wow, Bobbie! You did your homework! lol Okay, so the wedding invite said "Mr and Mrs ******* and Family" so we were all invited. There was a card in there to return with the number of guests attending or regrets. The wedding is Aug 4th and the card was to be returned July 5th. I let her mom know last week we wouldn't be attending. The shower invite was to me and it's being thrown by her best friend AND her mom (I think her mom just wanted to help out). It is a very small church and I know both families well (the bride and the groom), and have for 6 years. No one in my family is particularly close to the bride or groom personally, but I am close to the bride's mom. I checked out their registries and there's a lot of stuff there, both very inexpensive and a few pretty expensive things. SO, what I think I'll do is get something small for the shower and send it with a card of regrets and then something a little bigger for the wedding. I like the idea of the shower gift being for just the bride, but this is a very young couple just starting out so I'd rather spend the money on something I know they need and will use. She's only 19 and he's 21. Honestly, imho they're too young, but then again I was only 20 (and I was young and stupid, too! lol). They have been best friends for years. I hope they stay that way.

Thanx everyone.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 04:32 pm:

I hope they stay that way too Cat...

I think it sounds like you have yourself a little plan... LOL and I agree with buying a gift for the couple from the registry as they are trying to "fill a house".

Yes the invite included your children, lol... I guess this is a very common issue.. Apparently, many couples opt to not have children attend as a way to insure that all the adults (the parents included) have an enjoyable time, they also exclude children if the reception will be serving alcohol and like I said it is bad etiquette to bring your children or call and say you are bringing them if they are not formally invited. The couple has an idea in their heads about how the whole thing will play out and calling and requesting/demanding your child be included is apparently seen as wrong, as it is their day and your child not attending is their choice, but I guess this happens as there are rules of etiquette about it.. LOL... who'd a thunk it??? One of the ladies suggest you decline to attend if the request goes against your wishes and then let it go.... (thinking it wouldn't go over that easy with most people.. LOL)

And yes, I read read read... So my homework is done and if I get a pop quiz I hope it is open book... LOL