I have to go anon because my family is online and I don't know where they go. It looks like my in laws are separating. They live a block away from us and have been together for over 35 years. They've fought like children since I've been a part of the family. My fil says that's because they got together as teens and never grew up. They both have a lot of negative issues they blame on the other person, so I think it might do them some good to have to own up and take responsibility for their actions if they live apart. But, they are my husbands parents. Right now he says they've said this before and nothing has ever come of it, so he's not worried. My mil has said she was leaving before but fil always talked her out of it. Fil is the one telling her to go and he seems it wants this to be ugly. He told me he will never be anywhere she is, we'll have to decide who's coming to Christmas, etc. MIl said she can be civil for the childrens sake. Basically, they have no money, live in a dump and blame the other person completely. She says they have nothing because he drinks and smokes and he says it's her fault for gambling and going out to eat. They're both right but refuse to accept the part they play. It's frustrating to listen to. I haven't said much, I'm no marriage counselor. I just know I refuse to live like they do and they're lucky no one has called the authorities about their house. We don't go to their house, they come here to visit the kids. Since that's the case, my kids wouldn't know they aren't living together. How soon should I tell them? My oldest is 8. I'd hate to get them all worked up and this blow over, and I also hate to lie if it becomes permanent. Thanks for listening. This bothers me too, and dh doesn't want to talk about it right now.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, June 20, 2007 - 12:05 pm:

My first thought is - don't talk to the kids about it unless they ask, and you and dh be very, very careful to not talk about it when there is any chance the kids could hear you. As you say, this kind of stuff has gone on before, and there is no point in getting the kids upset or worried for no good cause.

If it does become permanent and the kids become aware, you don't have to lie but you certainly don't have to tell them the "whole" truth. You can tell them that their grandparents have decided they cannot live with each other any more. And reassure them that that doesn't mean that you and daddy are going to live separately, because you and daddy don't want to live separately (because even if they don't ask, you can be sure it will be in their minds).

Second, keep on doing what you have been doing, and that is stay out of the middle. Yes, their situation is sad, but it is one that they have created and choose not to try to remedy. You can be personally supportive by being sympathetic - yes, I can see you are upset, or, I'm sorry you are upset - without taking sides. And make sure both of these alleged adults know very, very clearly that the first time either of them talks to your children about the situation will be the last time that person is invited to your house.

Good luck on this one. It will be really hard to stay out of it, I'm sure, because usually both parties try to drag in other family members to take one side or the other. But you don't need that for you and your family.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, June 21, 2007 - 10:33 am:

My mom left my step dad of 16 years in October.. With only a few days warning after 16 years of threats. Yes 16 years of threats, the honeymoon ended with in the first few months. My mom told us and then she up rooted herself to Florida, also with a few days warning.. Everything was and still is step dad's fault. Heck, everything with my dad (also a 16 year marriage) was and still is his fault.

Stay out of it... You will know when and if you need to tell your kids anything. But now isn't the time and I would spare them any details. They aren't old enough to understand the complications of marriage.. it is best not to allow the blame game to involve your children...

By Anonymous on Friday, June 22, 2007 - 08:55 am:

Thanks for the advice. I think I'm going to be pulled into this way more than I thought possible. Mil is usually too lazy to spend much time with the kids. She will for a while then stop even though she lives so close and I have to deal with kids wondering why grandma doesn't like them anymore. Of course, now she is being almost sickening with her kindness. My fil told me she told him she would just move in with us. She hasn't said anything to us, but there is no way under the sun that will ever,ever happen. I didn't say anything to my fil, because I don't trust anything either one of them say now, but I think that could be why she's being so nice. She's always been that way, so fake but hard to call her on it because she covers it up as being nice or trying to help. If she does ask to stay here and we say no, I'm afraid that could be it for her ever seeing the kids or even talking to us for a long time. It's so sad. I really hope this blows over.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, June 22, 2007 - 10:28 am:

LOL Your MIL and my mom must be related... LOL Similar, like me more games are played around here too and she was lucky to see my kids twice a year and she lived five minutes from my house for 12 years.... She lives 22 hours away and she complains/cries about not getting to see them now. PSHH... Whatever.. Stand your ground.. The niceness will wear off once she got her way any way... So moving in or not she is going to revert back to the same BS...

Best of luck, know we are hear to listen...