From Annie2
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2007:
From Annie2
Hi everyone!
I'm doing okay. After six months I finally realized that I can no longer expect anything from dh. He hasn't seen the kids in weeks yet blames that one me, hasn't supplied the paperwork for the divorce to move forward, barely calls the kids but expects them to call him, still insists that the kids go to his place for the night because he doesn't want to drive for over an hour for a few hours of their time, didn't call dd on her 16th birthday; but text her Happy Birthday. The list goes on....Oh, I also found out that he screwed a woman in our neighborhood sometime back. He didn't deny it just was •••••• off that I found out. I'm not certain it wasn't a one time deal but I can be almost certain that he has cheated on me numerous times with other woman.
I am resolved to the fact that I can no longer talk to him, call him or try to initiate a relationship between him and the kids. From now on I am strictly going through my atty.
The kids are doing very well. DD turned 16 on the 24 and now has her license. DS turned ten on the 23rd. 13 year old dd starts cheerleading camp next week and 11 year old dd's all star team placed second.
My sister came down last weekend. I am also planning on taking the kids up north for two weeks in July to visit my sisters and brother.
Thanks for thinking of me. I have been here but hate to rehash all of this crap. I love you guys!! 
Let me know if you want to meet up when you come North. You sound like you are very strong and doing the best you can. You should be very proud of yourself. I know we all are here.
Ditto Colette on your strength. I think you are doing so well and really putting your kids first. I know all of this has been such a shock to your system and I would be nowhere near where you are emotionally. You should feel so proud of yourself and look back to where you've come from when you're feeling the normal emotions of sadness over everything.
I can't believe he's treating everyone this way, namely his children. You are setting a really terrific example for your kids. Keep staying strong and remember we are all here for you.
Oh my! I feel badly for the children for having such a deadbeat dad, but, the way he is acting sounds like he is no longer a good role model anyway.
Ditto Colette and Deanna. You should be very proud of yourself for your strength and giving those kids the stability they need, emotional and otherwise. Take care Sweetie and have a great time when you go up north. Vent anytime.
(((hugs)))
You know , I think said this before, but you really find out a lot about yourself when you go through something like this. You find out just how strong you really can be.
My sister went through a divorce, not for the same reasons. But never the less she was left with a 6 month old baby and 2 year old that shortly before been diagnosed Autistic. It has taken her three years but she is now out of my parents home, good job and looking at buying a house for herself. Things that were all taken away from her during her marriage. We sometimes lament on what my sister lost but she said to me once recently. I walked out with the two most important things. It didn't matter to her if all her things were broken, stolen whatever as long as she had her kids. That kind of strength amazes me and you have that strength also Annie.
Hey there, you know we are here.. You take care of you but don't stay gone.. And... What he has done, he has done.... His fault.. Take the high ground with pride... We love you too Annie..
Oh, Annie, what a superjerk. If he is not doing the paperwork to move the divorce forward, is there anything your lawyer can do to force it along? And has your lawyer been able to do anything about temporary child support and alimony being awarded and deducted from his paycheck. Seems to me that would be a priority.
I am so sorry, Annie, but I agree, you are doing just fine. You've come a long way. Glad to hear your kids are coping.
As for the visitation, unless it is court ordered, if he doesn't want to drive, that's his problem. You are not disobeying any court order, so that's not a problem. The problem, of course, is how the kids feel about it, and all you can do is be there for them and find counseling if you think it is needed.
What I think, Annie, is that everything was fine as long as he was able to do whatever he wanted to do when he wanted to do it, but the chickie wanted more. Then he expected you to continue to be the "good wife" even when you weren't going to be the wife any more, and he is surprised and angry that you won't be the "good wife". Superjerk!!!
If you didn't think that you had a good enough reason to file for divorce before, you sure do now, knowing what you now know. He's a real "player", isn't he? I agree with Ginny. He is a superjerk! You are way better off without him. You could have ended up with a life-changing disease. What a selfish jerk!
I am glad that the kids are doing well. You will, too, in time. You will meet someone else who is worthy of you, and all of this will just be a bad dream.
Please DON'T stay away. Check in with us. We love you, and we worry. Thanks for the update. Big (((HUGS))).
Goodness, he is a piece of work. You go, girl. You are too good for him! Sheesh.
All I can say is, Wow. I'm so sorry that you and the kids are having to go through this! Hang tough, and have a great time on your trip up North.
What a slimebag. Sorry...
My brother in laws Dad did this to his Mom growing up. He said it absolutely changed him watching his Mom get treated this way. He hates to even be seen with other women and tries to be so opposite of what his Dad was.  Literally, he does not like to be in situations where someone might think he was alone with another female for any length of time. lol Pretty sad. However, he turned out to be such an incredible man, husband and Father to my sis and their kids.
I agree, hang in there. Hopefully, it will be overwith soon and you can move on to a more happy positive time in your life!!!
((((HUGS))))
BTW- I have been on the ex-husb side for the last 10 yrs. And the first year was the worst for him. He didn't see the kids that much. He went 2 months a couple of times without seeing them. He still to this day can get upset discussing child support issues. He hung up on me 2 weeks when I was in my atty's office needing him to bring in a W-2. lol argh
For years I felt like I bent over backwards making visitation work at his convenience. Thinking it was best for the kids if I handled things this way. The last few years I stopped being a doormat and started doing what *I* need to do as opposed to what the ex needed me to do. He didn't like that at first either. But he has gotten over it and is more respectful of my time now.
{{{{HUGS}}}} So sorry,Annie.Don't ever feel like you have to explain/rehash everything that your going through.We just like to know how your doing and letting you know we're thinking of you.Have a great time up north
Dh called today. He said he had an appt with his atty and his atty told him that if "I" wanted this divorce to move along then "I" need to settle. I told him sure. My petition is the only one on the table; I'll settle today.
My dh has failed to comply with discovery to my lawyer, forcing mine to file an Ex Parte to Compel with the court.
I told dh he needs to answer my petition. He said he did. I said but you denied everything. He said you are asking for the moon and I'm not giving it to you. I said fine; you need to counterclaim my petition. I'm not going to counter my original petition.
I doubt that he had an appt with his atty. Just another lie. He's probably getting his info from his chickie.
I also said, so you were in town and didn't come by to see the kids? He said he was working....blah,blah blah. I told him ds was sick today throwing up/diarrhea. His response to that was, I called the kids Friday night and they didn't answer. I said they all had sleep overs. I know he is setting them up so he doesn't have to come out here next weekend.
His behavior is so transparent it's almost comical.
you deserve the moon and more. what a jerk.
Ditto Colette all the way!
I am so sorry your kids are having to go through this but I am sure, down deep, that they had his number long ago.. I knew (and know) the truths about my parents that no one else seemed to have a clue about even when I was a little kid and without having to be told. You do what you know is right and let him make his mistakes.. He will be the one to pay for them. He doesn't want to come see them that isn't your fault..
HE is the one that CHEATED... He is the one that thought he could play his games and leave on and by his own terms.. Good old DH (not dear) needs to grow up and get a grip... Reality is, you play you pay.. He made choices, not you.. HE married you, HE had children with you and HE broke the promises to you and those children, not you.... Live your life, love your children and let your attorney deal with him.. I wouldn't sign anything, until you can take care of your children (which was a promise he made when you had them).. Jerk!!! You can't change the rules of the game, mid game..
I am so sorry your kids are having to go through this but I am sure, down deep, that they had his number long ago.. I knew (and know) the truths about my parents that no one else seemed to have a clue about even when I was a little kid and without having to be told. You do what you know is right and let him make his mistakes.. He will be the one to pay for them. He doesn't want to come see them that isn't your fault..
HE is the one that CHEATED... He is the one that thought he could play his games and leave on and by his own terms.. Good old DH (not dear) needs to grow up and get a grip... Reality is, you play you pay.. He made choices, not you.. HE married you, HE had children with you and HE broke the promises to you and those children, not you.... Live your life, love your children and let your attorney deal with him.. I wouldn't sign anything, until you can take care of your children (which was a promise he made when you had them).. Jerk!!! You can't change the rules of the game, mid game..
I felt it so much I posted it twice.
Ditto Ditto Bobbie....
(((HUGS)))
I am so sorry that you are going through this!
((((((((((((Annie)))))))))))))
So sorry!
{{{Annie and kids}}} Everyone else has said what I feel so much better but I hope that things settle down soon for you. You are an amazing woman!!
DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING unless your lawyer explains every detail first!! And don't be in a hurry, because that is what he wants. If you do, I guarantee that you will think of things later on (when it is too late) that you'll wish that you had asked for. Early on, Karen gave you some great items to ask for that I wouldn't have thought of, like graduation activities, drivers ed, etc., not to mention college. My sister made her ex take out a BIG life insurance policy on himself that even insured the kids' college ed in case he died.
I am sure that the way things are right now, it is really cramping his (and chickie's) style. GOOD!! Drag it out as long as you want, and make sure that he has to pay for YOUR lawyer, too. You have four kids. He has already chosen another esidence. Make sure that he doesn't try to get you to sell the house.
Yes, he IS very transparent. Not a good liar at all! What a collosal idiot!
I will be your shoes before long probably. However, I don't have the proof that you have and he hasn't moved in with someone else. In some ways, I think you are lucky.
Mine is such a control freak and so egotistical. There isn't enough room in this house for me, him and his ego. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Basically tells me I am a loser, but doesnt put it that nicely. He plays games and does things behind my back constantly...then denies everything and says I am basically a lunatic.
I have 3 kids. My husbands oldest son, my ss, is 25yo still doesnt have a full time job and still hasn't finished college. His college was paid for and he flunked out. They blame all of dss problems on ME. When Daddy married me is when he started having problems??? He was 15 then. He is 25 now? Somehow its my fault he partied and flunked out and is lazy?? I am dealing with some pretty mental people.
My dh kept insisting I *go home for the summer and give him a break. come back when school starts*... (we live away from home temporarily) um, I am going home alright and he is going to get his flipping break, but I won't be coming back this time. I have wasted almost 10 yrs trying to do the right things. What a waste. I moved my family 4000 miles from home for his career- he had the balls to tell me last week that I don't support his career... lol Yep...mental problems.
(((HUGS))) I may have to email you off the board for advice.
((((Hugs)))) to you anon.
(((HUGS))) to anon, from me too!
I'm sorry Annie that he is being such a jerk.
I hope he doesn't try an about-face when he realizes how difficult this will be.
Oh, Anon... I am sorry to hear this. You and Annie are both in my thoughts.. Take care of yourself and I hope you are able to get yourself and your kids out of this situation.. Big Hugs... Please keep us posted..
Annie, sounds like you are staying so stong and you are doing the right thing when it comes to the kids. Take care of yourself.
Anon...((HUGS)) here too.
Anon, please email me at ann ie far 16 @ yah oo.com....anytime day or night. I've received tremendous support from members here and I would like to do the same for you.
This has been a difficult road for me to endure but as time goes by I realize I will be better off in the end. YOU will, too!
Stay strong
Anon, before you go home for the summer, gather up all sorts of financial records - tax returns, W-2 forms, anything having to do with work retirement benefits, health insurance, bank account records, investment accounts, house ownership, etc, and make copies of them and mail them to your family to keep for you. People like your husband, who are already dishonest in the way he is blaming you for ss's problems, etc., can be dishonest in other ways, and you will be better off with records. If it were me I'd also start looking at small things that I cherish (especially jewelry but also photos, souveniers, family stuff, personal books) and start mailing them to your family to keep for you. Pack up your winter clothes in boxes and put them in the storage area in your house, so when the time comes you can tell him where they are and to ship them to you.
You should also be aware that because you are a legal resident of wherever you are now, if you decide to file for a divorce you may either have to file in the county where you presently live, or wait out the legal requirements before filing in another state. Of course, hubby may file right after you go home for the summer. In any event, if it were me I'd line up a good lawyer in your present county of residence, just to be on the safe side. You can do a Google search for divorce laws in your present state and in the state where your family lives, just to inform yourself. But I'd do it at the library, because if he is that controlling, he may track where you go on the internet ... including here.
Also, if your husband is playing mind games, start keeping a diary of events, what you said, what he said and did, by date. If it comes to divorce, you'll need that sort of documentation.
I am so sorry, but I am glad that you realize that this is an unliveable situation and are strong enough to want to get out of it. So many women get so beaten down emotionally they don't have the ability to see what is going on or to do anything about it.
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