What age do you think we need to talk issues with our children?
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): What age do you think we need to talk issues with our children?
With the whole HIV muppet case, my thoughts have raised many questions?
What age do you start educating the children about important things?
We don't give our children enough credit, as to what they already have heard through other children whose parents dont care.
For example, Luke came to me when he was 5 and told me that the neighbors we had were gay. At 7 he told me he knew what sex was and could describe it better than I wanted to hear.
At about 9 he asked me what a BJ was, well that just about floored me. I told him that he didn't need to know that and when he was older he would know. Well the next day he asked someone at school, and came home and told me what it was.
Luke has been informed about HIV since he was about 5 since I was doing seminars and he wanted to know. Not that I went into extreme detail, but he was old enough to ask the questions, who was I to not answer them to some degree. I have also taught Luke about molestation,kidnappings, and what sexual predators do and what can happen. He goes to school and watches limited TV, so he gets the information from everywhere, so I try to educate him to the best of my ability and what I think he needs to know.
The news has covered Sept.11, Columbine shootings, plus many other shootings, The Smart case and the one just recently. Kids are far from stupid. I guess I would like to be the one to tell them first, so them I can limit what they need to know at what age.
What do you think?
Also I just wanted to point out, this world is very different even from when I grew up, we need to share almost everything with our children to keep them safe, and most of all scare them. I hate to scare them, but in this day and age they need to know the facts and to be scared.
I think it all depends on the child. Some are ready and need information sooner than others, some just are not ready for it. I think the most important thing is to follow your child's lead. My 8 year old came home from school asking me what cuss words were. Apparently other kids said the word find had a cuss word in it and she didn't know what that meant. So we talked about what that meant, we talked about the word they had found (it was •••). I didn't give her the big list of words though. We talked about the importance of not using words that you don't know because they may be offensive to others. The idea about talking about sex to her seems crazy to me right now. She is so immature. I am sure through others at school she will hear things, she will ask and we will talk. I am sad that our children have to grow up in a world so different.
I think of it as each time is building on the next. When kids are babies you start by calling body parts the right name. I've noticed Paige
( dh's neice who is visiting)calls her crotch her peepee. Makes me insane. And then you use teachable moments to put in the info you want when I see someone smoking or a pregnant teen with no money no job, we talk about those things.
At 4 Lexi and I have already talked about self esteem, as it relates to choices people make, she know about 9/11 I am more comfortable talking about sex than violence I guess b/c I did give her a limited explanation on 9/11 but she wasn't satisfied with that and we have had many in depth talks about it. Lexi and I play what if in the car all the time and on the way somewhere with Paige we were playing, ( I do everything from what do you do when a friend is being mean or when you are at someone's house playing and you hate the dinner they serve? To what if someone comes up to you at the play ground and tries to get you to help them find their puppy?) Paige had no clue on any of them. You have to go to your child's ability and look for teachable moments.
I agree with Melissa - you go by what the child can absorb and use teachable moments. And some of it is the stage of life. If your child is getting on and off a school bus, s/he definitely needs to know to never get into a stranger's car and always call a known adult (teacher, bus driver, store cashier, etc.) if an unknown adult comes close to them. I didn't say "a person in uniform" is OK, because that could be anyone wearing fatigues, and there have been people who wear fake uniforms. A policeman in a police car, the cashier at the store, the bus driver, an older woman on the sidewalk (all of which were plentiful where they would be). Even so, my dear (and troublesome) youngest was brought home to me one day by two lovely ladies in a car who said he told them he had lost his bus token and couldn't get home.
As for sex, I think you start good touch/bad touch as soon as your children are in the care of others, including day care. What you do about babysitters, other than really knowing the person well, I just don't know. We were naive when I was using sitters (not just me - the whole generation) and never though about a babysitter as a possible molester.
For the other parts of sex - you will know from what your children say and ask whether sex is being discussed in the playground, and I think it is important to respond honestly, with clarity, and especially with clarity on the values you want to impress upon them. Given that the average age of first menses is about 9-1/2, I think around 8 is a good time to be talking to girls about the potential of having a period and what that means, including how their body functions and some basic knowledge about how babies get there - and don't do it.
When I talked with my sons about sex I always put it in fairly impersonal language (people do, not I do or you do), but long before dating became an issue I was saying things like "sex isn't a hamburger" and people who think about sex as something to do just for fun without taking it seriously are wrong. I had a whole litany of respect for yourself, for the person you care about, not "using" someone for your own selifishness (I had sons, remember - I'd talk to a daughter about not allowing herself to be used), about the importance of emotional maturity which doesn't come along with physical maturity, and so on.
As for drugs and tobacco and alcohol - first, of course, you model them. And you start long before they start school to talk about these things and what harm they can do.
Melissa, I really like the way you talk with your daughter - everything from strangers to being polite when you are a guest - all as a game. Seems to me that both your dd and you are the winners in this game.
|
Members
