People's priorities
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): People's priorities
Now, I just want to preface this with the fact that I'm not perfect, but some people drive me nuts with their life priorities.
Here's a situation...
I had a girl I was tutoring last spring whose mother worked at the same place as my DH. The mother went on and on about how poor they were, etc. So, I gave them a 50% discount, or $15/hr.
Here's what I don't get...
My DH saw her going to the vending machine (at the office) at least twice a day and her and her daughter would always come to the tutoring sessions with some sort of fast food in hand at 4pm. And, they would always talk about their ventures to Applebees, etc.
Now...tell me you're poor again? One time I told her that I would have to charge her the full amount since they "forgot to come" twice and she said "OH, then my girl's grades will suffer because I could then only afford to come every other week."
Uuuummmm...if you would stop eating out and using vending machines, you might be able to cough up that extra $15 for your child's education. Don't get me started on the whole "forgetting" to come to tutoring either...
Needless to say, I refused my services to them this fall.
I just don't understand people and the way they handle money...their priorities drive me crazy sometimes.
Here's another example:
My older brother just bought a $5,000 50 caliber rifle and an expensive silencer. (No, he's not a serial killer. He's just really into guns.)
Yet, he doesn't have an entertainment center, or even a cart, so he can put his tv on something besides the floor. (Yes, he's married...he's lucky in my book because she is a great SIL. I seriously don't know how she puts up with it.) When we visited him, we went on a walk around his neighborhood and he had no idea that houses were just built a block away. He never exercises and always is sitting in front of his laptop. He couldn't even leave the house without keeping his PDA on him. Then, he goes on and on about how people who smoke are just stupid because they're killing themselves. He's seriously overweight and that isn't killing yourself? I don't say anything about it but I just mentioned "Well, pick your poison...Debbie Snack Cakes or Cigarrettes." I don't think the comment phased him.
People's priorities... vent vent vent...
I hear ya Heidi! I totally agree with you.
this is a pet peeve of mine especially when the kids suffer because of the decisions a parent makes. For instance we dont have the money to buy food but we got money for cigarrettes and drugs and alcohol. the kid is going to school in worn out shooes but parent is smoking away at thier cigarrete. not sure about the rest of the nation but cigs are about 4 bucks a pack 35 dollars a carton and canu imagine how well that kid could dress and eat with 140 dollars ( 35 bucks a week times four ( a months supply in my own estimatation)))
a twelve pack of beer 12 bucks ... alot people drink that in a night ok lets give them the benefit of the doubt... a case a week thats 24 dolalrs a week hundred dollars but that kid still aint getttin breakfast and has wait till lunch to get anything and then its free thru state funded.
now dont get me wrong ill be the first one to feed that kid or any kid for that matter but i resent my taxes going to this kid cuz the parents are smoking drinking drugging( is that the word i want) up the money that should be for the kid!!! priorities are all wrong when it comes to takin care of the kids
and another th ought about this is when a person buys a house and two years later its still not decorated to match the kind of house ( not style j ust properly like tv on the floor ect ...and they are living pay day to payday then a priority is again out of whack... they are living beyond thier means and again the children are suffering!
Unless it impacts on my life, it is really none of my business.
I agree, Heidi, if the mom chooses to spend money on fast food, etc., while at the same time getting a discount from you on tutoring, then it impacts on you. And I would support your decision to stop tutoring the girl. But your brother and his wife - while it wouldn't be my choice, and is clearly not yours, it doesn't "cost" you anything and, other than your not sharing your brother's priorities, doesn't impact on you. And yes, he has a lot of nerve to criticize your unhealthy habit when he has plenty of unhealthy habits of his own. Your response was a good one.
The kids that get the free lunch - yes, it is paid for by tax dollars, and that indirectly impacts on all of us. But, if they don't get the free lunch then the kids are being punished for something they can't control (their parents' behavior), and we all know that hungry kids don't learn - which makes it more likely that they will repeat their parents' poor life choices. If they get the free lunch, that is something that might help them learn better and break the cycle - which is some of the thinking behind the free lunch and free breakfast programs.
What people do with the inside of their houses is, again, pretty much their business, as long as the outside is decently maintained so it doesn't impact the value of surrounding houses. So it's none of my business.
ditto Ginny.
I agree with the fact that you stopped tutoring, but I can tell you now this woman is far from poor. If she was truly "poor" fast food wouldn't exist and even your tutoring at $15.00 an hour wouldn't have been an option. I work with extremely "poor" people and extremely "rich" people and tutoring is the last thing the poor parents can afford to spend money on, and truthfully the last thing on their minds. Tutoring is considered upscale or a luxury unless it is offered at the Boys or Girls club for free in this situation. People will take advantage of you in these situations so you have to be really careful. Its sad that this little girl is learning to munipulate just like her mother but you did the right thing, Heidi.
I agree with the messed up priorities. I grew up with my bio mom always taking all the Christmas and birthday money that was sent to me and my sisters from other family memebers and my sisters not having shoes and clothes and such for school, but there was never a lack of beer and cigarettes and then the occsaional marjuana. All that stuff is very expensive. And they were smoking multiple packs a day and drinking a couple cases a week. We would barely be eating if it wasn't for food stamps that came once a month. I absolutely detest those habits based on the fact that they are purely selfish and impact the children negatively. So when I see someone sucking away on a cigarette while needing money to pay bills I have a hard time having any sympathy. Unfortunately now though my older sister is in a lot better financial situation, but she still smokes and has a hard time having money for some things. Her kids from what I see do not go without, but it is tight for them sometimes. I guess we all make priorities though and get the stuff that is most important to us.
I think we all have our areas of "messed up" priorities. At least to others. As long as it doesn't impact me, it doesn't bother me. My hubby and I will talk about people (boy that sounds bad..lol) and compare with choices they make, more as a checks and balances for us. The conclusion we came up with is this, we each have different needs and should marry accordingly. So yes we could spend our money differently, but we make choices and we are allowed to. I could put all my kids in tutoring or in private lessons in stuff, but the reality is, that isn't as important to me as time with family. I think the other kicker is knowing what your vice is. If we really needed to save money, where would it come from, well we know. Ours is in food...really all in food, eating out, groceries, etc. But food.
As far as the whole smoking/obseity, this is a different topic. But NO i don't consider those the same. Fat people are only hurting themselves (i am fat, i can say that), it doesn't hurt my family. I know it could be said by the example I am showing them, but in my world that isn't true. I play competitive tennis three times a week, we walk as a family several times a week, I play catch, we ride bikes, etc. I am fat because I am an emotional eater, I save that for when they are gone..LOL. But even at that, we all make choices, things that make good sense to others and no sense to some. I have chosen to live my life this way, a husband, 3 kids, a dog, a cat and a bunch of fish. I live in a modest home, modestly decorated and we eat out a lot. It is working for us most of the time.
Ditto Kaye. Iknow what you are saying Heidi, but I think we all have messed up priorities in the eyes of SOMEONE, you know? My best friend can't figure out why I don't have new furniture and throughout my house and have savings and college funds instead. She has new furniture everywhere and not a dime to her name, debt to her eyeballs. In her eyes, my priorities are mixed up because a)how could I sit on this old couch and b)Natalie can pay for her own education and c)retirement is a million years away so why worry now. See?
My in-laws think our priorities are (were) messed up for spending so much $ on travel. I think their priorities are messed up for washing ziploc bags. I just think it's very individual.
We have friends who have 2 small children that even though Mom wants to stay home, she "likes driving 2 new $30K cars all the time" instead. for me, I'm thinking WHOA!! Where are your priorities? For them, they have chosen their priorities, I just don't agree.
As far as the tutoring situation, I would have discontinued as well and I totally see where you're coming from. You never know what people's priorities are going to be, so when I'm selling something (an item or a service) personal feelings just can't get in the way. If I'm giving piano lessons (which I used to do) and someone says "Oh $20/hour is too much our budget", then I would have to say "Okay, I'm sorry it doesn't work for you. Let me know if you need me in the future."
When someone says they're "poor" (and you know the mother works at your husband's company), take it with a grain of salt unless you KNOW. My adult life has been working with the poor, and I mean POOR. There are no questions about it.
Her priorities ARE screwed up if she's willing to eat out, use the junk machines, smoke, etc. I agree! But we can all afford really is relative to our priorities. I tell my parents I can't afford something and they laugh because they have less than I do. What they don't realize is that I can't "afford" it because of what my comfort level is, not necessarily because I don't have the $.
Ditto Ginny.
Ditto Ginny, too.
You guys have to realize...
Smoking, obesity, and diabetes DO affect overall health insurance rates. All of which can be prevented due to others' priorities.
My mother's money decisions DO affect me and they always have. Her decisions to eat fast food regularly did affect others. Not only did it cause her health to deteriorate, but my brother and I were left to take care of her at a very early age. We were both naive teenagers without a father to help. Her family had written her off when we were in high school.
So, while we would all like to think it doesn't affect us...it does. I'm not going to preach to them, but I just want to state that our decisions in life do affect others.
We all belong to each other, as humans, and it's our duty to learn from those who made mistakes in the past.
Regarding health:
Yes, we can only control ourselves, but we can't drop the ball. We can support education on preventing diseases and teach children on the importance of education. There are ways to help improve others' lives and our own.
I hope to share with my brother the reasons to exercise in a non-judgmental way, but I just don't want his kids to experience what we've had to experience. Even his wife (who is a size 4) seems to be worried about him.
Maybe I care too much and love too many, but don't tell me apathy is a verb.
Heidi, I agree.
I also think if it is your business, as suggested above, then you keep it your business. You don't call me and complain about your electric, when I know you just took the family on vacation that month and about what that ran you financially. You don't call and complain about having no food at the end of the month when I know you went out to eat twice that month and that you buy chips, pop, etc... You don't tell me about the great night out you had when your child is running around in shoes with holes blown out in them. You don't complain about being broke when you live in a house you can't afford, driving cars you can't afford, with credit cards you couldn't hope to pay off. I know too many people that make good money but have themselves strapped to the bank, I know more of these people than I do truly poor people. How you spend your money and choose to live are your business BUT you run your mouth at me it makes it my business.. People love to complain, play the victim. If you cry about nonsense then I am going to tell you it is nonsense.. Tell me you are poor and then show me your new fifty dollar purse and I am going to question your priorities. Walk in my house wearing new clothes, bragging about the cost and yet in the next breath you complain about school fees, you have issues. If it was your business and not mine you would not tell me about it, because as I said it then makes it my business.. If you don't want to sit in front of judgment, use the common sense the good Lord gave you, otherwise know you will be judged. It is human nature and it is all good to say you don't judge but any time you pass an opinion on anything that isn't specifically an action that you yourself took it is a judgment.
And can you really justify one bad habit as not as bad as another?? I know people that struggled with eating disorders do to the weight of their parents that would probably disagree.. A bad habit is a bad habit and everyone in your immediate circle is effected by your habits. It might not be apparent in the lives of small children but as they grow it will effect their choices non the less.
In this day and age breathing causes cancer and I think we should all just stop..
I don't smoke, or have diabetes, and I'm not obese. But you can bet that if I chose to smoke or chose to eat myself into an obese state, it would not be based on how it's going to affect healthcare rates. I could care less! I'm sorry, but if I thought like that I would be so tired by mid-morning I couldn't think straight.
Ditto Bobbie - I can't stand that either! My sister complains about not having $, and in the same breath shows me the pictures from her Mexican vacation and her new $100 purse. Huh?
I agree with Heidi and Bobbie. It's hard to look the other way when I witness others suffering or neglected as a result of mixed priorities. Stories like Julie's break my heart. I can't stop caring. And sometimes that's all we can do. We are in a situation where a neighbor is ignoring the health of their aging dog. He is suffering, but regardless of my dh's urgings, they will not take him to the vet. I guess it could be said it's none of our business. Yet, this sweet dog is over at our house daily. Everyday I wish I was the owner, because then I could put him in the car and take him to the vet and be sure he is comfortable. We don't have the money either, but we'd find a way. Instead I see him struggling, while his owners find other ways to spend their money. So I am guilty of questioning priorities. When I see a child or an animal suffering, it's hard to look the other way.
Heidi raised two different issues in her posts. I fully understand about your mother, Heidi. I had a lot of anger with my father because he refused to take his blood pressure medication or change his diet, which resulted in multiple small strokes and multi-infarct dementia. As a result, the personality that was my daddy was gone, and for two years my mother and I cared for the body that was left.
But whether someone spends their money on a TV table or other furniture, or buys something else that I wouldn't buy - that doesn't affect me and is none of my business.
I do think it is appropriate to question priorties when a helpless animal or child is suffering as a result of an adult's priorities. I have done that and do it.
But if you want to spend your money on a vacation, or fancy furniture - that's none of my business. And, don't complain to me about being broke, because I will just tell you - look, you made your choices and now you have to live with it. It's none of my business. And the choices I make - furniture or savings, spending time reading instead of cleaning house (which is a choice I often make) are no one else's business because it doesn't affect them.
Bottom line - if it doesn't affect me or someone who is helpless and affected by your decisions, your decisions are none of my business. I agree with Bobbie - don't complain to me about the negative results of your decisions. I don't agree that your complaining makes it my business, unless I am willing to spend time listening to your complaints - which I am not. I will simply say - you made your decision, it's not my problem, and I am not going to allow you to make it my problem.
I, too, have seen people that I felt had skewed priorities. We saw it a lot in the military. We had a neighbor in base housing that was so broke that when it got close to payday (the 15th and 30th of the month), they literally had no food in the house. However, they had a very expensive car. We would smell them grilling steak on payday, knowing that they would be eating Hamburger Helper without the hamburger for the next two weeks.
I, too, get infuriated when I see children or animals suffering because of poor priorities on the part of their care givers. A guy worked with my DH who refused to get his dog spayed, so she had litter after litter. He had a great job, a nice home, but didn't want to spend money on vet bills. His rationale to me was "I'll go spending the money, and she'll get hit by a truck or something" (because, of course he let her run loose, too). I finally convinced him to spay her, and didn't she get down on the main road and get killed by a truck?
My next door neighbour is a young woman, compared to me, but she looks way older because she has no teeth. She is a recovering alcoholic who has her ill, aging Mom living with her. They both smoke like fiends, and her Mom is on oxygen. The ambulance is at the house at least every other week to take her Mom to the hospital. My neighbour lives on disability, her Mom on Social Security. They have an old beat up car that takes several tries to start it. She has two dogs and a cat that she loves very much and takes very good care of. She had a bad marriage and a string of loser boyfriends, so she says that she KNOWS her animals love her. Her big dog kept going into heat and she would keep an eye on her when she had to go out. I got her a certificate from our local animal rescue league for reduced cost spaying. A friend and I paid the rest. She was SO grateful. My DH cut down a tree for her this summer, and re-seeded her front lawn. He and another neighbour take turns cleaning her gutters in the Spring and Fall. She never asks for anything. Two Christmases ago, I bought a gift card from the local grocery store and sent it to her in a Christmas card.
My Mom is very judgmental. It has always been "her way or the highway". If she knew about my neighbour, she'd give me a two hour dissertation on her lack of priorities. However, I just try to fill a need if I see one. The old saying that "charity begins at home" is a true one. God has been good to me, so I know that I have an obligation to "pass it on". When people went to Jesus to ask for healing, he didn't ask them what they did to get in that predicament. He just met their need. Now, I certainly don't claim to be on the same level with Jesus, but I try to follow His example.
I guess if we don't walk in another person's shoes, we can't judge. Sometimes our priorities are carved out of a need from our past. In your case, Heidi, because of the hardship that you suffered with your Mom, you choose to live very carefully. Maybe your brother spends money the way he does just because he CAN.
The day that I understand human nature, I probably won't be living on THIS plane of existence anymore. 
Ditto Ginny. Well said.
Hol, if everyone tried as hard as you and your dh to follow the best example that was ever set for us, we'd all be much better people. Sounds like one of your priorities is being a good neighbor. I hope your neighbor includes you in her "God bless" every night, and even if she doesn't, God knows.
Agree Ginny. The world would be a much better place...
I think that we get our needs and our wants confused. Which just so happened to be the discussion of last nights youth group meeting at church, how ironic.
I also agree Ginny, Hol you are a great person!
So true Bobbie!! Especially in today's society, it seems there's no difference between wants and needs...they are all "needs". I'm guilty at times also of course. I think it's important to teach our children about wants vs needs as well.
Thank you for the compliments, ladies. You are making me blush. I certainly don't mean to brag on myself or sound pompous. The only point that I was making was that, to some (like my Mom), my neighbour is displaying poor priorities by smoking, and yet not having a decent car, or being able to spay her dog. However, I happen to know that she has had a very rough life, and her Mom has also. She grew up very poor, with an alcoholic father who also suffered from depression. As often happens, the children became alcoholics, too. (My neighbour's 26 y/o daughter, who doesn't live with her) won't touch alcohol, but suffers terribly from depression.
As I said, she has made some bad choices with men (most she met in bars). She worked hard in a mill until she developed severe nerve damage in her arms. She worked hard to overcome alcoholism, to her credit, but she says that she just can't break the nicotine habit. She says that cigs and decaf coffee are her only vices now.
I guess she has to do something that brings her comfort. She IS extremely good to her animals, and would go without food herself to buy food for them.
So, I guess if you didn't know her story, it would SEEM that she had bad priorities. However, we never know what baggage people are carrying. As I said, we are all products of our past. I once heard a man say that he had become a "cookie monster" in his adult life. LOL! He said that, growing up, there was no money for sweets, so cookies were a real treat. He says now that he is able to make good money, he buys SEVERAL packages of cookies at a time.
Bobbie, you are SO right about the wants vs. needs. The problem is that today, there is SO much available to buy, and advertisers lead us to believe that we NEED it all. That's the nature of advertising, to convince us that we HAVE to have whatever they are selling. It takes a mature, grounded person to sort it out.
"Judge not, lest ye be judged".
Very well said Hol.. The "cookie monster" LOL
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