Parents that are too strict - yikes!
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So, my son was invited to play with this kid and I've met the parents and spoken with them several times and they are just too darn strict for me. I don't want my son over there. Too many rules, too much structure, too many ways to get in trouble. I just can't take it. It's so much pressure!! Ack! So, I'm keeping my son away from that family.
Anyone else ever find strict parents a turn-off?
Yes, yes, yes!!! I mean, we have rules, and my kids are very well behaved. I get compliments all the time on them. But we are pretty relaxed, too, and I think that's a big reason my kids act the way they do. Sometimes I just want to yell, "Let them be kids, for goodness sakes!" You just gotta let go sometimes.
My SIL was like this for a little while with her first, but she soon loosened up after asking my advice a lot and seeing that my kids survived even though they got dirty, watched television, skipped a nap, ate sweets before dinner, or stayed up past 8:00!
We were friends with a couple who had one kid, and they wanted us to come over all the time, but it got to be very difficult because of their rules that the kids had to follow while there. For example, they wanted the kids, one 8, one 6, and one 5, to stay in their child's bedroom after dark on the other side of the house, while we watched television in their den with the door closed so their noise wouldn't bother them. Our house isn't run like that, and I couldn't stand having the door closed like that, not knowing what was going on. My children were very uncomfortable, and so were we. Our kids are used to knowing we are available if they need us. There, none of the kids were supposed to bother us for any reason.
We no longer are friends with the couple because there were just too many differences in their lifestyle and ours. It was a difficult break, but our entire family was just miserable around them. Life's too short for that!
Yikes! I'm glad my best friend and I aren't like that! We are pretty laid back and neither one of us, would ever dream of shutting our kids away like that! I wouldn't have liked that, either. Did they often do that to their kid?
On New Year's Eve, we are all at the kitchen table playing games, grown-ups and kids all together! Or, if we are watching a movie together, it's everyone together!
Why have a child if you can't take the inevitable noise and interruptions. Putting the children in another room while the parents watch television, with closed doors at each end - sheesh, what an invitation to disaster. How would anyone know if the child got hurt?
I am the odd one on this. I am the strict parent (most of the time). I have kids because we have a great time. But fun is 24/7 and sometimes even mom and dad want to have fun and not be bothered. I am far from a selfish parent and don't ask this of them often. But I can understand that if I were to have friends over to watch a movie that it would be okay for them to be with their friends with doors closed. How would I know if someone got hurt, well with a houseful of kids someone would tell me! We mostly watch movies in our room, with the door closed (instead of having kids upstairs with doors closed), but mostly because our game room is an open loft and I don't like watching stuff that isn't g or pg where they can hear it.
As far as friends and playmates. It seems I always have a houseful and on occasion I do have to say, okay no no...but after years of training my kids police for me. I also try really hard not to have rules for the sake of rules, but really for a reason. For example we don't play chase games in the house. This is because when you have an odd number it gets out of control fast and someone gets ganged up on. So ifyou want to play that way, go outside, inside is safe always  There are two kids that I have to kick out of my house on a regular basis. But they still keep coming over Only 1 family of kids quit coming over, which was really really great in my opinion.
I think it drives me more nuts when my kids go to play and the parents seem to have no boundries. I have been called by both of my oldest to come and get them. Only to find out they were uncomfortable with the choices friends were making. Like watching movies and playing games that just aren't okay for their ages.
Kaye, there's strict and strict. I was a strict parent, otherwise known as a mean mommie. Most of my rules were about behavior - how you treat other people and me, and most of the others were safety rules. And we had all the neighborhood kids on our porch and in our house a lot. (And my parents were equally strict, and our house was the neighborhood hangout.)
I think it depends on the kinds of rules, and the rules, when you think about whether parents are too strict. For example, my kids were allowed only 1 hour of TV on weekdays, after homework and chores, and I very severely limited the kinds of programs they could watch. They could not stay outside after 8 or 9 pm, depending on the child's age, even in the summer when most of the neighborhood kids were out until 11 or 12. On the other hand, unlike many of my friends, when my boys were young I didn't have breakable decorative items in the living areas of the house - my thinking was that, (1) it wasn't reasonable to expect them to move and act like adults when they were kids, or to have the same "respect" for such items that adults have and (2) sooner or later something would get broken and I'd have two things - a child to punish and the loss of a valued item. For the same reason, after they started doing the dishes (no dishwasher then), I still washed my best dishes and glasses (no crystal then either) myself, feeling that if something got broken I'd rather it be my fault and not the kid's, and breakage was much less likely. I've known households where the living room was completely off limits to children because there were too many breakables, and I couldn't live that way. (Those were the households with plastic slipcovers on the furniture to protect the upholstery - never mind how uncomfortable it was for sitting.)
My parents, and I, often kicked kids out or banned them temporarily, because they broke behavioral rules. And almost always, they would apologize, ask to come back, and usually not break that rule again.
I do think it depends on whether the rules are about raising nice people who know how to behave, or about protecting property from normal child behavior.
I think keeping children out so that you and friends can watch a movie you don't want your children to see is one thing - sending them to a room with the door closed because you don't want their noise is another.
Rules for children that, to me, are too strict and unnecessary and lean toward controlling behavior:
1) Never allowed to walk around barefoot.
2) Firm, too early bedtimes, even on non-school days and for sleepovers.
3) The requirement that you must eat everything put before you.
4) The forbiddence of computer and video games.
5) No free time.
6) Not allowed to play out front.
7) Must sleep in the dark.
8) Not allowed to get dirty.
9) Not allowed to make any grade lower than an "A."
10) Requirement that boys must play sports.
That's all I can think of right now. Personally, I like a little more flexibility.
I would have trouble following a no-barefoot rule! LOL! In the summer, I'm almost always barefoot.
For three years, when we first moved to Sheboygan, we lived in a rental, with French doors by the living room. Every kid that came into my house, learned not to slam that door. We were worried about the glass breaking. In the summer, with windows open, it was hard, but even the neighbor kids learned to respect that rule.
My other big rule, was come and tell me, when you are going to the neighbor's house, reinforced by one of the neighbor kids, who was grounded, because she didn't tell her mom, she was going to another girl's house. We didn't know where the M was, for a little while. For Sarah, I told her, I don't care if you go to M's house, you just have to tell me first, so I know where you are. Sarah was VERY good about it.
Neither of these things is a big issue at our current house, since there aren't kids to play with, around here and we don't have the French doors anymore.
When we lived there, though, our house was the one everyone came to, too!
Well, I am considered a strict parent. I have limitations on TV and playstation. We DO have a no barefoot rule...after 2 of us (myself included) were hurt badly by not wearing shoes outside. By the pool bare feet is OK. Playing on the grass, at beach, etc, they need to wear shoes. My children can not walk out the door and go play. I need to know where they are and whom they are with. Most of the neighborhood and their friends prefer hanging out at our house. My children do NOT play out front. We have a big back yard for them to play in. Out front is simply not an option here. If we lived in the country, I would not have that rule. I agree with Kaye about parents with no boundaries. There are a few homes my children cannot play at. The parents do not supervise at all. The kids do as they please. It even makes my children feel uncomfortable. One of the neighbor kids has told me several times that he wishes his mom was strict like me because his mom never pays attention to him.
I don't have a kiddo old enough really for all of the rules that have been listed in the last few posts. I tend to lean toward getting frustrated by "too lenient" parents, just in general, and I guess I have that experience not through my own child but as a teacher.
All of Yvonne's rules will be ours probably, except maybe for the barefoot one. (But you have experiences with that so I don't blame you!) All of those sound like the way I was raised, although 20 years ago I *did* have more freedom running the neighborhood than we will EVER give Natalie. That's just a sign of the times I guess.
One strict rule that we have(that I know some people think is ridiculous) is about about food/drinks out and about in the house. Here, you eat and drink in the kitchen if you're under 13. Natalie will take a sippy occasionally and often will sit on the couch with a bowl of raisins, but that's about it. She drinks a Danimal, she sits at the kitchen table. That's just one of my weird rules. She's trained, because if she hears something on TV that's she's just GOTTA see while drinking a Danimal, she sets it down and runs to the TV! LOL
She plays in the sink (it's only water), and she splashes water everywhere when she's in the tub. That drives a friend of mine crazy, but she will only be little once and again it's water. It takes 3 seconds to wipe it down after a bath. If she wants to wear her snowboots around the house when it's 90 degrees out, she does. Those kinds of things. She's only allowed to throw balls, NOTHING else. Maybe that's strict. She doesn't have to eat all of her food, but she might be hungry later. Sometimes I'm picky about getting dirty and I'm working on it, but it's ONLY dependent on what she's wearing. I try to dress her appropriately for the day's activities so I don't get stressed when she rolls down the hill in the backyard. I WANT her to roll down the hill because that's what kids do, so I don't put her in dresses or her "nice" clothing. As far as grades go, she will be required to make the grades that she is capable of, whatever that might be.
I ditto Ginny...most of the "rules" we have at this point are about behavior, respect, and how you treat others. There are limits on TV time though, there is not (and won't be) a TV in her room, and junk food is a special treat. I guess those are strict rules. ???
To be clear--barefoot inside no problem
Jessica had a tree branch go through the bottom of her foot. We fought with an infection for months. It was very bad and very painful.
I stepped on a sea urchin in mexico (in the water) and also glass on a beach. Now, we ALL wear sandals or water shoes in the water, on the beach, on the grass, etc. Once you step on something you will wish you did too. LOL.
We have rules, too. But only rules that are there for a specific reason. And my dh and I often watch movies we want, that the kids can't. We simply tell them that they have to play in the bedroom or watch cartoons or something allowable in there (yes, we have a television in there). We watch our movie in the living room, and they stay in the bedroom, with the door open, with no problem, and we have very few interruptions from them. And we have no problem with the television being in there because they rarely watch it. Sometimes I need a break, and I ask them to please go watch it! LOL! But this probably comes from us not limiting them.
Thankfully, I have two children who would much rather play some make-believe game, or run around outside, then watch television or play their gamecube. The gamecube is in the bedroom, and they have no limitations on it, either. However, my dd NEVER plays it. Ever. And my ds plays it maybe a total of 1-2 hours a week, if that much. And he only plays the game Animal Crossing.
We have several acres that we live on, so there are plenty of trees to climb, places to hide, and plenty of animals to play with, so they keep busy on their own outside.
There were a lot of things that we didn't "jive" with when it came to the other family. The father also always wanted my dh to play video games with him for hours at a time, and if one of the kids walked in the room while they were playing, he'd have a fit. My dh isn't the type to play video games that long, and that seriously. Once, they were playing, and the cords were stretched across the room. His son had to get something, and accidentally tripped over the cord, and he just about had a fit. He was very childish.
I'm sure many parents have their children shut the doors, and they may, and we have been known to go into a room and shut the door when we are talking privately or wrapping presents, or such. But the kids are near us, so they are comfortable with that. At the age they were, my son was afraid to be in a "strange" place, across the house, after dark, with doors closed. He felt too isolated from us. He was only four, and wasn't used to being like that.
Mommie, I agree with you! These rules are much too strict! Wow, these parents would think my kids are heathens. LOL! Sorry, but I think kids NEED free time. The requirement to eat everything in front of you is not only old fashioned but has been discouraged by doctors for health reasons. Computers and video games in moderation is fine and even educational. Must sleep in the dark?! What's wrong with a night light?! I really don't like the double standard of "boys must play sports". Grrr... I could go on but, I won't.
1) Never allowed to walk around barefoot.
2) Firm, too early bedtimes, even on non-school days and for sleepovers.
3) The requirement that you must eat everything put before you.
4) The forbiddence of computer and video games.
5) No free time.
6) Not allowed to play out front.
7) Must sleep in the dark.
8) Not allowed to get dirty.
9) Not allowed to make any grade lower than an "A."
10) Requirement that boys must play sports.
I would definitely qualify as one of the strict, bordering on too-strict, parents. Kids only eat at the kitchen or patio table, one hour of TV time and a half hour of computer or video games and none after dinner since it's family time. My kids do have free time but even that is supervised. They don't play in the front yard and certain activities are only allowed outside (like ball-throwing and chasing games). Getting dirty is something that just seems to happen and nightlights are allowed. All of my kids are capable of A's so that is what we expect but they aren't punished for B's. We just know that some extra work is needed in that subject. Barefoot inside is fine, they need to wear shoes outside. I want to know where they will be at all times. If their friend's parents want to take them out for a meal, I expect a phone call. If they are going to see a neighbor friend, I need to know if parents are home and when they will be back. I don't expect my kids to eat everything on their plates but I do ask them eat a set number of bites because they are so picky and if they don't eat at meal and snacktimes, they go hungry until next time.
Amazingly enough, they seem to be happy, well-adjusted kids with active social lives and incredible imaginations and great manners, even with all the rules we have for them.
Ditto Tink-I could have written you're post!!
I could have, too, Tink! That sounds like us as future parents of older kids!
I agree with most of what Tink wrote also - except for supervised free time. We don't watch over him that closely as long as we know where he is. As he gets older we will allow him to ride his bike around the neighborhood, etc. I am more strict about video game ratings, movie ratings and what's on TV. I don't have a set amount of screen time but I limit it depending on the circumstances (weather, illness, etc.) I also feel strongly about not scheduling too much of his time.
We are pretty laid back parents as far whether they get dirty ( not in church clothes) and stuff like that. If they try to eat dirt or the dog food while outside then maybe I will distract them or something or move the dog food, but I do not panic or anything like that. They watch cartoons, but nothing else and only certain ones as cartoons are getting ridiculous nowadays. They are only allowed to eat outside or in the kitchen (our back door is in the kitchen). We try to be understanding of their age and personality as far as what to expect behavior wise, but they cannot be mean, throw fits or anything like that. We tell them to eat until their belly is full. If they get hungry then they wait until snack time or next meal. I hate it when my in laws want to turn eating into a battle and make them stay at the table to eat more. I don't negotiate how many more bites or anything like that. I just ask if their tummy is full and if they say no then I tell them to eat some more. We do not punish for accidents like spilling something, but only for disobedience. Kids will be kids and make mess, cause inconviences, argue with eachother (we have 3 girls) and all those things. We just try to deal with it as it comes. All in all they are good kids that do normal kid things and some things just specific to their personalities.
Maybe I should explain what I meant by their free time being supervised. I don't let them play in their rooms for any length of time by themselves or in a group. If my ds is playing with his legos, I'll ask him to bring them out to the family room so that I can keep an eye on him. Usually one of my other dks or I will end up joining him in his "build" and it will morph from just "building" (his strength) into a imaginative session (his weakness, my youngest's strength) with his creation as the setting and other toys as the characters, etc. My oldest is more solitary and she's older so she does get some time in her room for reading, writing and drawing but I peek in on her every 15 minutes or so to check in and offer some conversation and input on whatever she's working on. If there are two or all three playing together, I stick around pretty closely so that I can monitor how they are speaking to each other and so that I can step in before disagreements can escalate. If they are all having a particularly good day and are getting along well, I'll go do laundry or another quick chore but I'll still be popping in every 5-10 minutes. I rarely structure their time together, unless they are bickering constantly when I'll suggest a board game for all of us or a group chore, and don't step in to direct their play at all, unless it becomes inappropriate. I used to be more lenient but I noticed that they fought more often, were more likely to zone out in front of the TV, and other undesirable behavior seemed to increase when I wasn't there to nip things in the bud. As they are getting older, more freedom is given and less supervision is needed.
Hi ladies, i haven't been around for a while. I hope you are all doing great.
I haven't read all the responsed but maybe i am another odd one in here. I prefer houses where there are rules and boundaries, i cannot stand it when the parents are so laid back and relaxed that their children do as they please. As long as the rules serve a purpose i think it's ok to enforce them.
I am usually the one stressing out when we are out walking in busy roads (try walking in London with a few 6 or 7 year olds) because my friends believe children should not be told off all the time. I want children to be able to walk properly in a busy road so they don't get hurt or lost. I hate it when they run ahead of the parents and the parents can't call them back...Drives me nuts.
Or when we are inside a house and the children are running wild. Children in these parts do enough outdoor activities, we take them to he woods, local parks, etc... so i expect them to play nicely when they are indoors, they shouldn't have to run around like crazy 24 hour a day! but some of my friends look at me strangely when i tell children to sit down and talk or play quietly. They are mostly 7 or 8 so i think they can practise some self restraint inside a one-bedroom flat! All our houses are pretty small but we take them out nearly everyday so they have no excuse.
There are many other examples... i just think children can still have fun, and get dirty and walk barefoot, it's the sillyness that annoys me, that they all have to play rough (esp boys, in our case) and that they have no self control (in my opinion, because the parents do not enforce any kind of rules).
Sorry if i was rambling, but i have had a recent experience with parents like these recently.
Hi Maria, how are you. I was just thinking that you hadn't been around for awhile. I hope everything is going well and you are enjoying your summer. Sorry not trying to hijack the thread.
When we would go shopping, I always had my kids hang on to the cart, when we walked to the car, because, especially in a parking lot, I needed to know exactly where they were. This was no big deal to my kids and I much preferred this to running across the parking lot.
Yesterday, at Walmart, I saw a little boy walking nicely next to the cart, hanging on and I thought he had great parents to keep track of him like that!
It scares me to death to see little kids running in a parking lot!
Another thing, was everyone standing on the porch, while cars were being backed out of the driveway. I do this with the dog now, since the kids are bigger and keep themselves out of the way. A friend of my parents, backed over their dog and killed her, when I was a kid, so I'm really paranoid, about the dog being in the driveway, when cars are moving around!
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