Good kids: do they stay good, or can they go to the other side?
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Good kids: do they stay good, or can they go to the other side?
In a newsgroup I read, that's actually related to a TV show, except that it's summer and we get WAY off-topic, someone who works in law enforcement in some capacity in or near Boston, MA thinks that even good kids can get into trouble and she hates it when parents say, "Not my kid!" Or "My kid would never do that!" Etc.
Well, I have a friend, who has 3 kids. Of the 3, 2 have graduated from high school. Neither of those girls has ever been drunk, smoked a cigarette, or used drugs, as far as I know. They really didn't ever give their parents any trouble throughout high school and to this day, don't cause their folks any worry. One is in grad school in Virginia. She just turned 24. The other one will be 19 in September and is busy enjoying the summer between freshman and sophomore years in college. Their 3rd daughter is busy in sports and drama at high school, when school is in session.
My kids really don't give me trouble. They have very little time that is unaccounted for. If my kids have a secret life doing drugs and getting drunk, I'm surely unaware of it. Since they get such good grades, I'd say it's highly unlikely. Sarah is going to be 17 in August. I really don't see her doing anything strange, in the next year or so, anymore than I saw my friend's daughters doing anything wierd. Even boys haven't really been part of the picture yet. My kids do their homework, practice their instruments, read voraciously, etc.
I never caused my parents too much trouble either. I already knew by the time I was 13, that I wouldn't touch cigarettes anymore. (I did try it once.) I didn't touch alcohol, for the most part, until I was 18 (1978. 18 was legal.)
My parents and I did have some rough times, my freshman year of college, because I did try to stay home that year. Besides, taking way too many hours on a bus to get back and forth and my parents not really letting me be an adult, I moved into the dorms for the next school year. Even at school, I really didn't drink much and was classified as a puppy drinker! I really still am. I only have an alcoholic drink once in a great while!
I guess I'm just a little frustrated.
I really believe its who they hang out with.Are they followers/leaders.You're girls sound like they are well grounded.I think if we teach our kids to respect themselves/others it really helps.I was also a good kid.I never caused any problems.When I became legal age I did do the bar scene but never got carried away.I met my DH when I was 19 so it made it easier not dealing with the single life.My friends and I just wanted to have fun and nobody ever got hurt.
Ditto Sherri and Dawn. I think you both made great points about how to keep kids on the "good" side. Keeping them busy and active in things THEY are interested in, and mostly, just giving them this solid foundation of love,respect, and self-esteem. I was also a VERY good kid...I really never did much of anything that wasn't pretty good, even in college. My parents really made me feel important all of my life, so I was never searching elsewhere for that feeling. I always felt like I had a lot of worth, so I was always trying to do something better for myself. I think that's a HUGE part of it.
My sister on the other hand got pushed to the side a lot, and lost in my limelight. I always hated that, but my parents just treated her that way. She had sex early, drank, and smoked pot. Generally just partied. She turned out great, don't get me wrong. She never did anything really bad, just was the wild one. I truly feel that some of that came because of her relationship with our parents and her being "second best" most of the time.
I think even the "good kids" of the world are going to slip here and there, so we shouldn't ALWAYS think "That's not my kid", etc. and don't be too let down when they DO make a bad decision.
I think this person ends up seeing the seamier side of things, more often, since she is in law enforcement. She also doesn't have kids and from an earlier discussion once, isn't interested in having any, either. She doesn't really know my kids, obviously, on a day-to-day basis and as of today, I decided I was done with the issue, since I will never really see her side of things and she will never see mine! I would say she really doesn't know me, either, for that matter! LOL!
I was a good kid. I didn't smoke or drink or party at all until I was a senior. I was honor roll, church kid, very watched. I was allowed to go to school sports (my dad was at all of them). I was allowed to go out one weekend night a week, usually once or twice a month. I had to be home by 11. I had to say where i was going, if it was movies I got questioned about it and often was asked for the ticket stub. I started smoking when I was 17, with in a year I was smoking several a day, by time I started college I had a pack a day habit. I didn't really drink until later that year. I drove very drunk and had no clue that it was a bad plan. I always drank early, changed clothes in the car, came in spoke to my parents briefly so they had no clue. Why did I change? Partly because of a guy. The other part was I felt left out, everyone was drinking, everyone was smoking, so it seemed, I was tired of standing out as the good girl.
I was active in school, I was a state qualifier in tennis, went to regional in golf and tennis. I was on the bb team and I was a cheerleader. I did check in with my parents. The only thing my parents could have done was never let me go to non school functions (but who knows, maybe I would have snuck out). I didn't have my own car, I used one of theirs. They knew that my bf was in the popular group, I was very limited with time we could spend together. We didn't really date often, because my parents prefered for me to have my wheels accessible so I wouldn't be tempted to drive with someone unsafe. Still I had my moments. One night I went flying at midnight with strangers I met on the drag. Stupid dumb stuff for such a smart girl. My parents were clueless, but they didn't think so.
This reminds me of the myspace thread that Ginny started on this board. To prove my point and for those who didn't read my other posts, here they are.
Michigan teen goes to Amman, Jordan to meet with 25 year old man she met on myspace
Katherine's preparations began a few months ago, said Tuscola Undersheriff Jim Jashinske. She convinced her mom she needed a passport so she could accompany a friend's family on a Canadian vacation when school closed for the summer.
After two days of fruitless calls to locate her -- Katherine had a cell phone but didn't pick up, authorities said -- her parents filed a missing persons report. The girl's stepmother then found her page on MySpace and learned she'd been swapping messages with the man from Jericho.
Authorities suspect the man from Jericho helped pay for the trip.
"Thank God she was returned safely," her father, Terry Lester, told the Associated Press on Friday. "She's a good girl. Never had a problem with her."
This girl was on the honor roll, National Honor Society, track and volleyball. A good girl. No one ever suspected she would do something like this. Just goes to show that you CAN'T TRUST TEENAGERS no matter how mature and smart you think they are.
And the update:
Teen plans to Marry man she met on myspace
So yes, I think it is possible for good kids to go bad, or certainly get way off track. But, it also depends on how involved the parents are and what kind of a bond exists between the parents and the children. As the parents of this teen have acknowledged, there wasn't enough communication. But I also believe that there had to be signs that something was up. Sometimes, parents just choose to ignore those signs and deny that there is a problem. This is probably what the Boston law enforcement person is talking about. Some parents are in denial either because they do not want to be embarassed by their child or because they refuse to admit that they have been bad parents, or inflating a child's self-esteem has become more important than teaching a child respect for rules and for authority. And peer pressure has a greater influence than the need to simply exercise common sense and remember what mom and dad have taught them.
Well, I suppose that is the point, that even a kid with good grades and NHS honors, could still doing something so totally weird. I showed Sarah the store about this girl and she couldn't believe it. She thought the girl was nuts.
My kids are very repulsed by cigarettes and don't like having to smell cigarette smoke. I don't think they would start smoking.
I've never been a heavy drinker at any time in my life. I indulged in college, more than I do now, but nowhere near as much as other kids around me, in college. I could always get up and go to my classes on Friday mornings, more easily than my roommate could. LOL! (Thursday nights were the big party night.)
I think "good" kids can turn "bad" for lots of different reasons. Too strict parents can cause a child to rebel, feelings of rejection or depression can cause a child to do things they know are wrong, not getting enough attention can cause a child to act out, etc. I knew plenty of kids/teens whose parents thought they were ANGELS, but they were doing drugs, drinking, having unsafe sex, and breaking the law. They might have been star athletes, with good grades, but they were pulling the wool over their parents' eyes, often because the parents were too busy to notice much. It's sad...
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