Why do older women do this? Just a vent???
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Why do older women do this? Just a vent???
Maybe it's just me and, trust me, it's not ALL older women...but, I just get this sense that they feel they need to pull some sort of power trip on me.
Examples:
Connor's gymnastics teacher is always saying things on how I should improve my parenting skills. I didn't pay for advice on parenting, just gymnastics, thanks.
I've been very nice in return, but I think I'm going to explode. If he doesn't want to do a front roll and cries/throws a fit then so be it. There are plenty of other things to do in the room which he loves. She says I need to let him cry sometimes (twice)...hello? I do! I just know the differences in his cries. He has a tentative cry which lets me know he is just scared and then there is a definite type of cry that lets me know he needs major comfort. (The whole climbing up on me is a good indicator too.)
I let him get through the tentative cry and try to distract him (or yes, sometimes hold him) if he is in a major panic.
Then, she says "He knows he can get out of doing it if he cries." I think I'm going to scream.
Then, for you all who are in the know about his speech/comprehension issues, I've been telling him that he will get a stamp/sticker if he puts his sticks away. He won't. He just happens to like the sticks more than the stamps/stickers. Or, maybe he doesn't understand what a stamp and a sticker are yet. It's that simple. She came over all in a huff because he wasn't putting his sticks away in a timely manner and says, "All mommy has to do is tell you that you'll get a stamp and a sticker!!!"
Heellllllllllloooooooooooo...I told him that 3 times. I just let it slide. I don't have time to explain my relationship with my son. I just hate that she assumes things about me as a mother. Like I'm inadequate.
One more example of a power trip...
Went to the gym today and bought a fruit smoothie. Well, the lady is chit chatting with another lady while ignoring me (while I'm holding Connor), so I put my hand on the counter so the other lady can see me. The lady behind the counter asks what I want (as she continues her conversation) and she starts making me a blueberry/banana shake. It's not what I asked for so I tell her. She says, "Ugh. You sure you don't want the blueberry shake? I already made it." UUuuuhhhh nnoooo. That's not what I ordered. She seemed so angry that I made her make my ORIGINAL order.
So, I smiled as big as I could and said "Thanks so much!"
I just hate it when people attempt to bully me in any way. I was only bullied once in middle school by an older girl, but I handled it. I wouldn't handle it like that now, but I'm findig it hard to hold my tongue.
Awww, come on, Heidi, I'm an older woman, and I don't do that. What you are describing is just plain rudeness and, in the case of the gymnastics instructor, unwanted advice, and that has nothing to do with age.
For the gymnastics instructor, if it were me I'd say something like - look, if it is not interfering with your class, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your comments and advice to yourself. You are a gymnastics instructor, not a child psychologist, and I'm bringing Connor here for gymnastics, not family counseling. Connor likes the gymnastics and I think it is good for him, but it is not good for him to hear your negative comments. I hear you saying you don't have the time to explain to her, but if you don't say something to her the comments will continue, and maybe they will stop if you speak to her. I'd do it in a calm, pleasant voice and, if you can, before the beginning of the class and before she has had a chance to make any comments. If she makes a response, you can say something like, I am dealing with a husband on active military duty, a mother in a nursing home, and two children - I don't need any additional aggravation and I am asking you, as politely as I can, to stop making your comments about Connor and my parenting skills.
For the lady behind the smoothie counter, you did exactly the right thing. You were firm about what you wanted, and you weren't rude in response to her rudeness, so the only thing she has to complain about legitimately (and you can be sure she did complain to someone after you left, or maybe several someones) is that you insisted on getting what you ordered.
I don't know that it is bullying, though it feels like it. I think what it is on the part of the gymnastics instructor is that all to common attitude that she knows more about raising your child than you do (and you've read lots of complaints about that on this board), and doesn't have enough training in good manners to keep her comments to herself. It is so easy, from the outside, to think you could raise someone else's child better, but she is not walking in your shoes and should keep her comments to herself. For the counter girl, it's just plain rudeness and putting herself ahead of what her customers want. Both of those kinds of rudeness come at any age, and I see a lot of it in teens as well as older people. Of course, given my age, most of the people I see doing that are younger than me.
Is the gymnastics instructor the owner? If she is, then you're out of luck if she doesn't stop. But if she isn't, and she doesn't stop, you can always say that if she doesn't stop, you'll speak to the owner.
You shouldn't have to do this - to speak to the instructor or maybe the owner - of course, and it is a royal pain. but you will run into this kind of rudeness in lots of settings. You have to decide each time whether it is worth taking the time to say something or not, and much of the time it isn't because the person's affect on your life doesn't matter, but if you want Connor to continue the gymnastics and not have the comments, I think you do have to say something. The thing is, with people like this, is that they often mean well and don't have the smarts or empathy to see how the recipient of their unwanted advice/comments is receiving it. Sometimes a wakeup call in the form of a comment works. And at least you will have told her how you feel, and done it politely. Taking the high road always puts you in a better place in the long run.
I am not so sure it is "older" women, well not in my case anyway. I am the type of person, unfortunately, that people can push over real easily. I am friendly and nice to everyone even if they just bullied me. I hate that about myself!! Its like people have a radar and say "Oh, she is a push over"! UGH
I did tell the gymnastics instructor about his speech/comprehension problems, but it's awkward to do so around 10 other kids/parents. And, she is real busy...goes from one kid to the other, from one class to the next. I had to do it while he was in the middle of his parallel bars.
I want to keep the peace though. I just wanted her to understand him so she would lay off. It was funny...her response was "Well, you didn't tell me this!" My response "Well, we just found out!"
I'm just saying that, I think because of my age, older women (not all) think they can say those things to me. I've never had someone younger than me try to do those things.
I'm being bullied...I just think it's annoying when they try.
Anytime anyone gives unsolicited advice, it's basically considered rude. I understand how you feel. You should probably consider having a very frank conversation with the teacher as Ginny suggested. Don't be confrontational, just be honest.
I also see where the teacher is coming from, too, though. While I am not excusing her rudeness, I would say that she is less interested in bullying you than she is in seeing that Connor grows and learns to behave in a responsible manner. As any teacher does, she has the right to expect children to comply with the rules of the class.
Granted it is just a gymnastics class, and I don't know exactly how old Connor is or what his developmental issues are so I don't know what can be reasonably expected of him.
But in general, a whiny clingy child can be a sign of a mother who isn't willing to do what it takes to get the child to become independent and responsible. Whether he is interested in stickers and stamps or not, he is required to pick up the sticks. In life, that is the way it is. Life is full of rules and requirements, and the sooner we can teach our children to be respectful of the rules and to follow them responsibly, the easier it will be for them in their adulthood. We cannot as parents coddle them and make sure that they are happy with everything every minute. They are going to experience disappointment and are going to have to do things they do not want to do. It is up to us as parents to teach them how to do that with grace and respect.
I get this kind of irritating unsolicited advice from women young and old.
My child has some disabilities (speech/learning disabilities/ADHD/fine motor delay) and I found that the usual organized activities were not appropriate for him. The teachers just aren't properly trained to handle these kids in a manner that is in the child's best interest. It helps to have the teacher especially trained to deal with kids who have various issues. *Then* when they offer advice it has real relevance.
Instead of gymnastics have you considered occupational therapy instead?
Ginny, I think you're a rare breed, as far as being able to tastefully and respectfully get your point across without offending someone. Many women (and in my experience, it is usually older women) have the tendency to tut-tut, figuratively pat us on the head, and then tell us exactly what we should be doing differently, if we want to do the best job as a mother, especially when the child is younger (preschool age and younger) and when there is an obvious issue like behavior problems or language issues. I'm 29, look younger than that and had my oldest at 20 so when my ds was younger and wasn't speaking yet, was having tantrums out of frustration and had sensory issues, I had literally dozens of women stop me and tell me exactly what I needed to do to change him. None of them knew that he had a disability, only one of them was even acquainted with us. Most of the women saw us out in public when I'd grocery shop with him or at my older DD's school functions. I even had nurses confront me about his behavior or lack of attention while he was in the hospital with pneumonia.
Heidi, I've found that I get the best response if I speak personally with a teacher or trainer before class and just let them know that there is a developmental/sensory/language issue (take your pick, depending on the situation) and you may have to be a little more involved or he may have to take things a little slower than the other children. Ask her if she's able to accept that and if she thinks it will interfere with the class. The idea is that she, of course, will say that it isn't a problem but then she's aware of what you're doing and why and, hopefully, she'll butt out once she's aware. If it is a problem, you know you've got him in the wrong class and can make a decision from there. And, for what it's worth, I think it's one part bullying, one part busy-body-ness and one part being a know-it-all. I've found it helpful to just nod and say "That's a good idea." when someone decides they know how to handle our issues better than I do.
Since I've had triplets I cannot believe on how much advice I get.All ages.I should/shouldn't be doing this or that.I think the most annoying comment when these people see 3 babies is (better you than me)I'm like(yeah,better me than you)The hardest part of having triplets is the attention they attract in public and all the unnessessary comments and advice I receive.Now I just smile and walk away.
I suppose it's hard to get stuff done, huh, with people coming up to you all the time!
Yup-I don't mind sometimes b\c some people are just so fascinated.I'm still in awe myself.I just hate wasting my time on people with stupid questions/comments and advice when I have so little time.
Tink, I feel highly complimented. Thank you.
I hear ya, Heidi. Only I am one of those old moms. I'm almost 40 and look about 26 and even younger without makeup and with a pony tail. I get dirty looks because I have a 10 and 8 year old and they think I'm too young to have such old kids. Plus, they treat me like I don't know how to parent my kids because I must be too young to know anything.
My DS had alot of hearing problems when he was little. I always had to talk loudly to him since he had hearing in one ear only and that was very minimal at best. People would assume I was always yelling at him. I would also repeat things others had said so he could hear what was said. One lady, about age 40 at the time, told me I needed to stop doing that so he would learn to listen. She stated it in front of an entire class in a snotty way. I calmly informed her of the situation. I also expresses my disappointment in her in not knowing that some children have special needs and she should know that at her age. Pretty much shut her up and gained me a ton of respect with the moms. their kids all been singled out at one time or another, too.
Sounds like your gymnastics teacher doesn't know kids very well. I can't believe Connor is the first child in her class that has some type of special need or issue. And, it's not like he is 5, he's 2. All issues aside, he's still little and learning. OK, this is a hot button for me. I'm done now.
Heidi, I am quite taken aback by the amount of advice thrown my way in regards to my dd, Lara. And this is advice I do not ask for, nor do I appreciate. I have a couple of "mom-like" ladies I like to talk to when I need advice about my parenting or issues that arise with my daughter. These two ladies remind me a lot of Ginny :-). I feel lucky to know them. I do agree that ladies like Ginny and my two friends are exceptional. I am also a bit of a push over, and I get sensitive when this unwanted advice is directed my way. Makes me want to stay at home with Lara and hide! And I begin to wonder if anything I am doing is right. Then I call or write one of my dear friends, and I feel better.
I also think it's easy to generalize, too easy. Lara is on the sensitive side. I am even concerned she may have some sensory issues. (I've been following your post on sweet Connor, Heidi, and Lara shares some of the same issues...) When out in public (shopping malls, etc.), or in large groups, she is easily over stimulated and with that, she acts out. With maturity she is handling herself and her feelings better. But, oh my, the looks I used to get and the advice. And all the while I knew what was bothering her and what she needed to calm down. Because I know her like no one else. To others she may appear spoiled or over "coddled". But I know Lara and it is her way of saying "Mom, I need you to understand, and help me." If I took some of the advice so freely given, I believe my Lara would come away feeling misunderstood, guilty, and somehow defective. But instead, I have followed my heart, tried to teach her better coping skills, and I am amazed to see her handling (and quite well) situations that once threw her off balance.
I guess what I'm saying is, you are not alone Heidi, and I am glad you posted this. Makes me feel less alone! I have decided that being a mom is one of the hardest jobs I have ever, ever taken on. And I've learned to be a bit of my own cheerleader, lol.
I agree Heidi!! Mine is generally from my grandma and parents, but I know what you mean.
I think your gymnastics teacher is out of line personally, and this really isn't her business or her job. If it's affecting other children, then maybe she could talk to you PRIVATELY for heaven's sake, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. It sounds like she's a controlling teacher and isn't open-minded to the fact that different kids need a different approach.
She's not with him all day and she doesn't know him like you do! I know exactly what you mean by the cries...my parents have a heart attack when she makes a sound and I'm like "Chill out, she's fine. We know her cries!" but they don't get it either.
I also say kill her with kindness and firm statements about how YOU handle your OWN child. That's easier said than done because I have a tendency to be go to both extremes: either I'm ticked off and say exactly what I think with NO tact, or I just don't say anything at all. I have no in-between!
If it's just not working, I'd pull him out and try something else or a different gym. Is it Gymboree?
Hi everyone,
Thank God I'm not alone. I did end up sending an email and the gymnastics teacher responded already. I also sent one to the Montessori school.
Not much time tonight...I actually should get to sleep now.
Oh, and Deanna, it's a regular place with a big gymnastics floor and equipment and also a smaller place for little ones. (They have these mini uneven bars, trampoline, and balance beams with tumbling mats everywhere. It's fun!)
|
Members
