Okay, this comes from Grey's Anatomy last night. And my parents are both still married so I have no life experience on this, so this is just my personal opinion. But I decided it could be questionable, so I thought this may be the best place to discuss it.

I feel Meredith is way off base here. And keep in mind that I have only watched the show from the recap episode, so I may have missed something vital, and if so, please excuse me! But she finds out her mother was having a torrid affair while married to her father and that she could no longer stand the sight of her father and she wished her husband would just leave, but he wouldn't go on his own. Even though he knew about her affair, and even though she would have nothing to do with him sexually. Then finally she asks him to go, and ultimately he leaves. And Meredith gets upset with him and goes and asks him why he didn't fight longer and harder for them??? I mean, isn't she angry at the wrong person? He didn't leave till her mother finally asked him to. He put up with her affairs. To me, he left to cause less heartache on the child(ren) in the long run with fighting and such.

That just really annoyed me. He was just as much a victim as she was.

Now, this only relates to the leaving part. I have no idea what went on with the entire no visitation thing afterwards.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 10:18 am:

Well, I'm not sure if this is going to answer your question adequately, but as a *child of divorce*, even though my mom packed us up and moved us to another state, my dad pretty much abandoned us, so I would say it's an abandonment issue with her, so that's where the anger comes from.

Granted, he was a victim too, but since *he* was the one who left, she felt abandoned. Those things are SOOOOO complicated. No matter which partner in a marriage is *mostly* at fault, it takes two to make a marriage or to break it, even if one is 95% at fault. And as bad as things can be in a bad marriage, for the kids in that marriage, usually the absent parent gets the blame and anger.

By Marcia on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 12:40 pm:

I can only comment on the show, because I have not experienced divorce in my family. Merideth didn't know about the affair until last night. She and her mom didn't have a great relationship, and now her mom has Alzheimer's. I think she's been angry with her mom for years, but now she can't really talk to her about anything. Until last night she only knew that her dad walked out, and that he was absent for something like 20 years. I think she really wanted to know why he didn't fight for her more than anything - for some sort of relationship.

By Crystal915 on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 01:29 pm:

I didn't see the show, but this is a very difficult thing to debate. I left my first marriage, because I felt it was best for my children and me. My mom left my father, for our safety. However, my best friend is filing for divorce, but it's the husband who gave up, who decided he didn't want to participate in the marriage any more. Their children are really young, and I don't know how they'll feel in 20 years, or if they'll ever know the *real* reason their parents aren't together. I don't even know what I'll tell my own children, because like me, they were very young at the time of the split, and contact was sparse for my bio dad. I got to know him as an adult, and decided my mom was a smart person for leaving him, and he wasn't anyone I wanted or needed in my life. We're working towards a different outcome for my own children, but honesty without badmouthing from the custodial parent is REALLY important. No one in my family told me my BD "abandoned" me, or was a bad person, just that he didn't always visit when he said he would and it didn't mean he didn't love me. I didn't hear of the bad things until I was an adult and asked what *really* happened. I guess what I'm trying to say here is as someone who was too young to remember my parents' divorce, and knowing my children won't remember mine, each situation is so different and volitile. It's like any other loss... you go through different emotions as you mature, and learn more about what happens.

By Luvn29 on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 02:17 pm:

Well, I would never debate this issue as a personal thing. I do have some biological issues that I don't bring up here, so I know that there are always different issues that go into arguments and telling children all or nothing. I don't think there every really is a right or wrong answer.

I am strictly talking about Meredith's reaction here. I think it would be too harmful and hurtful to bring personal and private issues into debate on a topic such as this. This is one issue where everyone could have different answers and every single one of them be completely and utterly right for the situation they are in.

By Kaye on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 05:20 pm:

I didn't really get it either. Also not a child of divorce. So I assumed it was just one of those things that you had to go through.

My hubby just recently found out that stories he was lead to believe in childhood about his dad, just aren't true. It is so hard to do the right thing in a divorce, I think because we all perceive things so differently. The result for my hubby is he has a strained relationship with dad and smil, which may or may not of happened without the aide of mom's stories. And we don't know if she completely made them up, or if she felt like they were the truth. Divorce is hard, I commend people for being able to do it well!

By Crystal915 on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 10:26 pm:

Adena, I didn't see it, so I don't know then.

By Juli4 on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 08:49 am:

My dad and mom divorced when I was a baby. I was born in August and they were divocred by the next may. I visited my mom and lived with my dad. My dad tried not to badmouth my mom, but as I got older I saw the negative and would talk about it with my dad. There has always been abandonment issues with her. Not so much now but definetely then. I think it has more to do with what the people do after the divorce. Like which parent disconnects from the children and such. I think that is where a lot of the issues come in. Just my take.
Another thing is that I have 2 sisters from my mom all with different dads and they didn't find out that our stepdad was not their dad until they were like teenagers. That was awful. they were relieved to know that the awful man they hated didn't give them life though. It was really hard on them. It would seem easier to know from the beginning.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 09:17 am:

There has always been abandonment issues with her. Not so much now but definetely then. I think it has more to do with what the people do after the divorce. Like which parent disconnects from the children and such.

Very good point, Juli. I tried very hard not to badmouth my X when we divorced, and trust me, he was a total creep. When the kids were teens, they could see for themselves what kind of person he was and when they'd talk to me about it, negative things began coming out.

In my case, my dad constantly badmouthed and said negative things about my mom, and I totally resented it, and him for doing it.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 10:09 am:

When my ex and I separated, my kids were 15, 10 and 9. They tell me they were very surprised and couldn't figure out what was going on, because they'd never heard us fight and didn't know there were problems. I tried very hard to not say anything negative about their father, just saying that we had agreed that we could not live together, but we both loved all three of our children and would always love them and always be their parents. And, I never intervened - if Dad didn't call or didn't visit, and a son asked why, I would tell him - you'll have to call your dad and talk to him about it.

My sons have told me, in recent years, that they really appreciate that I never put them in the middle, never criticized their father to them (until, occasionally, when I get really exasperated, in recent years). They each made up their own minds about their relatinships with their father, and each is different. But on the whole, they think my not saying anything negative about their dad until they were old enough to make up their own minds was a very good thing.

By Crystal915 on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 - 01:55 am:

Karen and Juli, you both pretty much went the same route my mother did. She just allowed me to form my own decisions on his character, knowing I would only resent her if she had badmouthed me. One day, when I realized what a total jerk my bio dad was, I called my parents, and my stepdad (my DAD) answered. I said "Where were you 20 years ago?? Why do I have to be related to this guy, he's such a loser!?" My dad's only condolance to me was he was in a crappy marriage at the time I was born, and was just grateful he didn't have children with her. I told him I appreciated him always being there, and never trying to poison my opinion of my bio-dad, because figuring it out on my own was painful, but made me respect my parents more. I'm *****TRYING***** very hard to do the same for my kids, even though it kills me sometimes.

By Dana on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 - 08:43 am:

Can't comment on any real life situation, but my take on the show was she was more upset by his lack of joy in seeing her for the first time after many years. Then when he was so unfeeling and his comment about if she needed any help just kept her angry in the way she was as a child. I don't think her present anger had anything to do w/ her past anger. Seems he had no back bone to me.

And don't forget that Mcdreamy left his wife after he caught her in an affair. So she is seeing both sides of the coin and just trying to figure it out.

By Mia on Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 02:27 pm:

My take on the show is that Meredith was angry with her father for not trying harder to save the marriage (that's what she said) - I gather from previous show's that he was a meek, mild man without much of a backbone. He just took what his wife handed him and didn't 'fight' for respect. I think in Meredith's mind if he had been more of a man then the whole affair & divorce wouldn't have happened.

By Karen~admin on Sunday, July 30, 2006 - 10:22 am:

Thread spammed 07-30-06