This came up as very interesting conversation on another board I frequent. I thought it would be interesting to see the perspectives here too.

If a cheater has stepped outside the marriage and has repented or realized the mistake they've made is it selfish to tell? The only reason they would have to tell is to clear their conscience of guilt but in doing so could ultimately cause a destructive life to those affected by this (spouse, children). So is it better to repent and move on silently never cheating again or is it better to come clean and be honest knowing they may as well caused destruction to those he/she loves and cares for?

By Pamt on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 01:23 pm:

I don't think you can truly repent without confessing to those you have wronged. Also, I think it is bound to either come out sometime or if not, affect the relationship in a million unseen ways. Gotta come clean, IMO. As a minister, DH has had to deal with this one a lot!

By Vicki on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 01:40 pm:

I also say you have to come clean. Until the air is cleaned and everything is out in the open, the relationship will be affected. I also believe that sooner or later, it will come out. If that happened to me, it would be even harder for me to get back to trusting him. One for what he did, and second for not telling me about it. So instead of just one BIG trust issue, there would be two!! I think it is more selfish not to tell than it is to tell.

By Juli4 on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 01:45 pm:

you have to come clean, but not necessarily to the children.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 02:02 pm:

I disagree, and will post why later. A lot of very wise people, psychologists and counselors, say don't tell if it is only to clear your conscience.

By Breann on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 03:47 pm:

I agree with Juli4.

By Crystal915 on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 03:49 pm:

I'm with Vicki, I believe that everything comes out in the end. It may not be today, or even this year, but the truth will come out somehow. Therefore, even if you've repented, you should come clean with your partner. I say this is someone who has been cheated on, so I know the pain it causes to find out, but I'd much rather hear it from my spouse than from "the streets" or something years down the road.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 06:36 pm:

I'm not assuming it happened to you, but it is easier to respond to "you", so that's how I'll put it.

I think the first issue is whether it will eventually be found out. Truly, there are some situations where it won't come out. If you are talking about a one-night out of town situation, or a quick fling with someone who is not part of any circle that your spouse is part of, what is gained by telling? (Or, and I want you all to understand that I don't think this is happening or has happened to any of our members, but it does happen - a spouse in the military, away from home, who does something stupid.)

If you want to tell only to get it off your conscience and there is no chance your spouse will find out, then my reaction is that living with that on your conscience is one of the prices you pay for cheating. Sharing the burden with your spouse just to clear your conscience is not a loving thing to do.

And, why do you want to tell? Is it to repent (which means promising to never do it again), or is it just to get it off your chest because you are uncomfortable keeping the secret.

If there is no chance it will be found out, and no chance you will allow yourself to be tempted to repeat it, telling your spouse will only cause pain over something that is over and done with. You will clear your conscience, but at the cost of giving pain to your spouse. Is that fair? Or loving?

If, however, there is any kind of chance it will eventually get to your spouse, then by all means you'd better get in first, with all the apologies and repentance and breast-beating you can put forth. You certainly don't want your spouse finding out from a well meaning "I thought you ought to know" person. And you'd better expect a lot of mistrust, a lot of questions like "where have you been", and a fairly chilled relationship for some time to come. It is one thing to forgive, and quite another to forget.

By Crystal915 on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 06:49 pm:

Ginny, I think that even in the situations where it seems impossible, it will come out eventually. Lets look at the military aspect, you could end up stationed somewhere with the other person. Even non-military, a one night stand out of town, you could run into that person years down the road. What's the saying about secrets? 3 men can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead, or something like that... you get my point.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 08:51 pm:

I do get your point, Crystal, but I will stick to my opinion. In the hypothetical situation Melissa presents, "The only reason they would have to tell is to clear their conscience of guilt ..." To me, that's a lousy reason. It means that the guilty person, in order to ease his/her own conscience, burdens the spouse. And maybe the guilty conscience could cause the person to really keep the internal promise of never doing it again.

By Boxzgrl on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 09:31 pm:

In my DH's case he dealt with it coming out in the end even though he tried to keep it a secret. I believe the truth has a way of coming out. I think it's better to come clean but for some reason I can't decide which side of this argument I think is right in my opinion. Most people on the other board think it's only fair to tell because the SO has the right to know. Others think it's selfish. It's interesting to hear the points of view.

By Boxzgrl on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 09:33 pm:

And to add, in our case I found out by glancing through my DH's medical files when we were moving counting how many ortho visits he's had since being in the military (hoping he'd qualify for compensation of some sort, lol). So yes even in the most bizarre situations it really does have a way of coming out.

By Reds9298 on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 10:57 pm:

I agree with most of the others. I think if you don't tell (general "you" here) then it will eventually come out in some way or another, whether big or small.

Children do NOT need to know IMO. I don't think it's selfish to tell just to clear your conscience, I think it's a necessary feeling for someone who has turned away from their wrongdoing and really wants to set things straight.

Also, "confessing" when you're caught and "confessing" because you want to come clean are two totally different things IMO. (Not that anyone asked.....)

By Kaye on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 08:01 am:

There is part of me that says as a wife maybe I wouldn't want to know. If my dh did that and it wasn't an ongoing thing, there are no medical issues (i think getting treated for an STD, mandates being told asap), that our marriage may be better for not knowing. I have a hard time letting go, I can forgive, but that whole trust issue is a big one. So if I were sure not to find out and he really changed his way, then I think I don't really want to know. At least not for a long long time.

By Feona on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 08:12 am:

I remember hearing from Joy Brown therapist on radio that it isn't fair to tell your spouse to make yourself feel better.

By Vicki on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 08:42 am:

I also think that you have no way of knowing for sure something will never come out. I also think the damage of taking that chance wouldn't be worth it if you had any chance of getting a marriage back. You broke one major trust issue by cheating and yet another by not confessing up to it and working it out. I would feel like that whole time I was living a lie if dh were to not tell me and have me find out later. If the only reason you have to tell your spouse if to clear your conscience about it, that is good enough for me. That says that you at least have some guilt about it and how could someone just go on living everyday with that guilt? That is what I mean that it would definately change the relationship in some ways. I stand by my opinion that it is selfish to not tell. You are the one that screwed up. At least come clean with it and let me decide if I want to work it out than force me to live a lie the rest of my life.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 08:56 am:

Well said Vicki. I agree.

After reading Kaye's post though, I have to also agree with that and say that if at all possible I wouldn't want to know because it would just make life easier. BUT...I think it would eventually come out one way or another and then I would be really upset that there was a 'lie' hanging out there all the time that I didn't know about. That I was living with someone that I couldn't trust and didn't even know it!

It's a little bit of a catch-22 IMO, but having never experienced it I overall totally agree with Vicki's last post.

By Happynerdmom on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 11:32 am:

Well, I will share my personal experience with this, but it was me who cheated. We married young, (20) and when I was 21, going to school and working as a waitress, I had an affair that lasted a few months. I was young, enjoyed the attention, and things happened. (Off topic...cheaters are not always evil people. Never say "I would NEVER do that." If you are assuming it could never happen to you, you are not on guard against it.) I did not tell my husband at first, and BTW I agree with Ginny that there are situations that it is nearly impossible for a spouse to find out after the fact. I believe that my husband never would have found out if I hadn't have told him. I did eventually tell my husband, but it was almost 10 years later. I won't go into all the details of how and why, but dh had made some serious mistakes (not cheating or anything like that) and was really down on himself that he had let me down. In the course of this dramatic situation, I told him. He was devastated, and it was a difficult few days. God had forgiven me, I had forgiven myself, and my husband forgave me. I think it was key that 10 years had passed. (10 years of a very positive marriage.) I was not the same person I had been, and he knew that. One thing it did for me...I had a lot of trouble accepting my husband's love. It was like, "well, if he only knew." After he did know, and he still loved me and accepted me, I can't tell you how much that meant. I would not tell someone to tell or not to tell. Every situation is different. But for me, strange as it sounds, it brought our love and committment to an even higher level.
(I was going to go anon, but I guess you can't do that on the Kitchen Table! Oh, well. Doesn't matter. Judge me if you want to.)

By Alberobello on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 12:22 pm:

Michele, I would love to say something but i don't know how to express it. You did something very brave by telling your dh and i truly admire that. God bless your marriage because it deserves it.

As for my opinion, i think i kind of agree with Ginny and Kaye but of course it depends on the situation. I don't know whether i'd want to know. I think anyway that if either me or my dh cheated on the other we wouldn't be able to hide it. I know i wouldn't be able to look at him in the eyes, if you know what mean.

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 12:28 pm:

No one WANTS to know their spouse cheated on them. It is a crappy feeling, and incredibly difficult to recover from. Still, the truth will come out, and I'd rather hear it from the source. It may not be until you are old and grey, or after you pass, but it happens almost always. Michelle, I don't judge you for your post. We have all made mistakes, and will continue to make them. You're brave for admitting yours.

By Amecmom on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 02:22 pm:

Wow, Michelle, that was a really powerful post. Hugs to you.
Ame

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, January 11, 2006 - 02:26 am:

I agree, Michelle there is a lot to say about a person that will bare her soul for the betterment of others (especially after she realizes the anon doesn't work and post it anyway.. ).. No one should judge you for your "confesion". We all fall short of perfect.. And even though they might not have the same confession, they have fallen flat on their faces in other instances of trust in their lives for sure... ^5 from me for being true..

I think it is a case by case, person by person situation.. I do not agree that it always come out in the end, for that matter either.

I can give more insight as to why... I don't agree but I need to go to bed... night all.

By Cocoabutter on Monday, January 16, 2006 - 06:19 pm:

I would say that it depends on whether or not there are children in the marriage. It will affect more than just the spouse, it will affect the lives of the chidren as well, having to grow up in a broken home (most likely).

It's hard to say, but I suppose that when you are married, you are committed to your spouse, and when the kids come along, you are also committed to them, and to the family as a whole. Stepping outside the marriage may not only violate the conditions of the marriage, but also the commitment to the family as well.

However, when the family breaks up the ultimate price will be paid by the children. So the question in my mind is this: Is repentance worth breaking up the family for?

IMO No

If it is just the two adults in the marriage with no children, the wife has the right to know and to decide if this is a risk she is willing to take with her life and that of her future children.

By Kim on Tuesday, January 17, 2006 - 08:08 am:

destruction on one hand, dignity and the safety of your family on the other.....

Haven't read all of the responses.

Its not just guilt that the cheater has to deal with. It is the very real danger that he/she has possibly put on his/her spouse and children.

My ex was using a condom sometimes and sometimes he just didn't care enough to because it ruined his fun. He eventually did tell me and I am VERY GLAD because I then could go and get myself tested for STDs and AIDS. These could have very well been passed to my children also.

How would a person feel if they found out years later that they could have been exposed to a deadly disease? For me I wanted to know. It hurt like heck, still does, but I have the right to know! There was a time when I was going through vaginal infectionals back to back. We both told the dr NO, there is no way he would have an affair. It would have been nice not to have to go through YEARS of a specialist trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It was all him! He was changing my PH levels. My body knew and I did not!

So much more I want to say, no time.

By Groovepickle on Tuesday, January 17, 2006 - 08:25 am:

I think it would be unfair not to tell. There are diseases out there! Also I feel your spouse should have the choice to leave you after knowing.

By Kym on Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 08:49 pm:

I think it's two issues, Kim your situation was multiple affairs over many years, you HAD to know, you HAD to leave. If my dh was in a situations and had a one night stand and to a high degree of certainty I would not find out, I would want him to keep it to himself. i would hope the caliber of man that he is, he would have a STD test done for his own safety as well as mine, and if it was NECESSARY to tell me then so be it.
I am a very visual person, that knowing and what my mind would create with it would stick in my vision and grow. So no if it was a one night stand I would not want to know, and I would think it Selfish of him to tell me and think I may forgive him. However, if I were in a situation like Kim, I would want to know, and cause great bodily harm to him etc etc etc.

By Kim on Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 05:28 pm:

HAHAHA, LOL, Kym.....you have no idea! ROFL

By Colette on Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 05:30 pm:

Kim, that must have totally sucked. I am glad you are in a happier place in your life now.