Do You Baby Your Man?
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Do You Baby Your Man?
I just wanted to get this started, don't have time to write out all my thoughts right now, but jump in if you feel like it.
Do you baby your husband, does he act like a child?
Is this your fault or are they a product of their mothers?
How do you intend to raise your own boys?
Fire away!
No I don't baby my husband and no he doesn't act like a child. The only thing I somewhat "control" with my DH is that I try to cook really balanced and healthy meals. Otherwise he would eat hotdogs and chips every day. I don't force him to eat healthy, I just cook that way and he eats it.  My DH was a SAHD with our oldest son for 7 months since he was in school and I was the breadwinner. I would actually have to ask him the best way to get DS down for a nap and DH knew every place in town that had changing tables in the men's bathroom--LOL. I usually go away with my mom and sister or girlfriends for a weekend every year and DH has no problem running the house, cooking, getting the kids to school and their activies, keeping things reasonably clean, etc. We both have a pet peeve when people refer to their husbands as "babysitting" the kids. My DH doesn't babysit--he parents. He is very involved in the kids' daily lives, takes them to school every day, and picks them up 3-4 days a week with my schedule right now. He often cooks supper, always cleans the kitchen, and helps vacuum and pick up.
I think men are usually the product of their mothers. As I mention below--the alarm clock thing. My MIL is wonderful, but sometimes she and my FIL will both be sitting and watching TV, he'll tell her to go get him something to drink, and she will. If I am getting up to go get something I would surely do that, but why should I get up and get him something when he is just as capable? We talked out those issues BEFORE we got married when we were in premarital counseling, so that stuff has never been a problem. I'm pretty doggone satisfied with my DH on all counts!
I have 2 boys and am raising them to hopefully be fine, responsible men---that's my intent anyway.
*Starting in 1st grade my boys learn to wake up with an alarm, not mama. (When DH and I first got married he slept thru the alarm b/c his mom always woke him up. It was our biggest source of conflict our first year of marriage---drove me crazy)
*My boys have regular chores including keeping their rooms picked up, feeding the pets, deep cleaning their bathroom (scrubbing tubs, toilets, etc.), stripping their beds, putting their laundry away (started at about ages 5 0r 6), sorting laundry, setting the table, helping clear the table, etc.
*Both boys help me plan menus and they usually help me cook one night/week each. They both enjoy cooking and are getting quite good.
*Starting in middle school, they are both responsible for packing their own lunches---and NOT junk
*About 2nd grade (depending on maturity and still with some guidance--my youngest is much more spontaneous and disorganized than my oldest) they become responsible for their own homework. I don't nag, follow-up, etc. unless I am asked. When asked I will gladly help with homework, make a sample quiz for a test, etc. but their work and knowing what to do and when it is due is their responsibility. If it doesn't get turned in then they suffer the consequences. If I don't get a permission slip or book order form before they go to bed that night, preferable right after school, then it does not get signed frantically the next morning in the middle of the school rush. If they don't put their lunchbox where it should go after school, then they make their lunch the next morning. If dirty clothes don't get put in the hamper, they don't get washed.
*They also get allowance and they are expected to divide it into saving, spending, and tithe money. DH and I help them out with that and still provide some guidance there. So far my 11 y/o has almost $300 saved (and in the real bank) for a guitar he wants.
I figure that from the day they are born, my bittersweet job is to make my children no longer "need" me. Of course, I hope that they will always need and want me emotionally in their lives, but I want them to be independent and capable adults who can make decisions, cook, clean, do handyman stuff, care for a baby, do yard work, work on the car, etc.
Oh! As if I hadn't said enough already...since this was sparked from the thread about taking DH to the party...I think there is a distinct difference between doing something to make things easier on a spouse or be helpful (i.e., taking DH to the airport even though it's a PITB to load up the kids, drive through traffic, find a place to park, etc.) than to "baby" him.
Let's just say I am the "reminder" person of the family. I mean, how do you "punish" your DH for forgetting to take out the recyclables or picking up the dog poo?
How do you ladies deal with that? I get tired of writing it down all of the time, or nagging. And, sometimes, when I write it down he doesn't finish the list. I KNOW he can finish the list.
Overall though, he is the MOST helpful with Connor. He really can do ANYTHING while I'm gone. :-)
No, my dh does not act like a child and I don't treat him like one. Pam, I think this was really sparked by me telling my dh to zip his jacket(on that same thread). I would have never thought that telling(really I asked him to humor me and do it) dh to do this would be considered treating him like a child, being offensive, condescending, etc. I know dh didn't take offense because he would have called me on it. I look at this more of taking care of each other. Like I mentioned in that post, he handed me my scarf when we were getting our coats on for church and told me, "here is your scarf, it is really cold outside" I didn't think anything of it. I don't look at that as treating my dh as a child or him treating me as one. Does my dh do things that are childish, sure, sometimes he does. I know I do too. I think that is totally different. My dh has always taken care of himself. Heck, he is temporarily living on his own, away from us, 5 days a week. I have gone away several times, for a girls weekend, family emergency, etc. and left dh to take care of our boys. I have no fears with leaving my dh in charge of them. He does a great job running things while I am away. Does he do it like me, heck no, but that is okay.
LOL, Pam on being in control of what everyone eats. My dh is the same way. He would live on junk food if he was in charge of mealtime. In fact, when I was away one weekend, I called and he couldn't believe how wild the boys were. I asked what they ate that day. He named of everything. I was LOL, with all that junk, no wonder they were wired.
Yes, I do think that men are mainly a product of their up bringing. My first boyfriend had a mother that did everything for him and he expected the same from me. LOL, that is why we aren't together now. Dh had an absent father and often took care of things for himself and his family. I think that is why he is so independent. However, I do think that men can get into the habit of not doing things, if you do everything for them.
Dh and I are trying to raise our boys to be independent and take care of themselves. My mom did this with my brother and my dh was brought up the same way.
My ex wanted babying - which is one of the many reasons he is my ex. My sons don't, because I raised them to not expect to be babied.
I am reminded of an article in the first issue of Ms. Magazine, "Click". One episode in the article sticks in my mind, all these many years later. A married couple, both professionals, no children, and a clear schedule posted on the frig with alternating weeks for responsibilities. Hubby complains that he doesn't have any clean shirts. Wife points out that this was his week for taking clothes to the drycleaners. But, hubby complaints plaintively, "you didn't remind me"!
As to the unzipped jacket, it is a family joke that when my boys were living at home, I quickly learned that it didn't work to say "it's cold outside, wear your jacket". What did work, because they laughed and then complied, was to say "I'm cold - wear your jacket." We all recognized the absurdity of it but it worked. By and large, I have found that being absurd works much better with a lot of people. For example, when my sons had moved out and were still single, if I didn't hear from them in a week, I'd leave a message on the answering machine - call your mother. If I didn't hear for another week, I'd leave another message - "call your mother, you rotten kid". They always called, and laughed.
DH is pretty self-sufficient! He is good at misplacing things, though, and it drives me nuts, because if he isn't happy, trust me, nobody's happy. He always finds the misplaced things eventually. Sometimes I find them, but often he finds them himself. I just wish he didn't misplace them as often!
We were out and about recently. DH only wore a windbreaker. I wore a winter jacket. AFter realizing just how chilly it was outside, when we arrived home later, he did grab his warmer jacket.
We remind each other not to step out in front of cars, or stuff while driving. So, I suppose sometimes he mothers me and sometimes I mother him. Once in a while, I have to say to him, "You aren't my mother!"
If I leave him in charge of things, I usually have to leave detailed instructions, especially if kid pick-up times are weird, just to make it more clear.
So, I suppose we really watch out for each other.
Pam- Can I borrow your DH to train mine, lol?
As to the question, I don't baby my DH and I think he is still about 50% child. My DH's problems stem from the opposite side of what most are talking about. His Mom died when he was 9 so he never really had a motherly figure growing up. His problems I struggle with now in the family have to do with the tough man, tough Dad, in control of everything type of persona his Dad reamed into him. I wish he had a bit more of the tender Momma's boy in him.
As far as boys, I don't have any now and wouldn't feel like I were missing out if I never had any. But if I did I think there is a point or age to where I would baby them but I would throw more of the toughening responsibilities onto DH. I don't quite know how to balance it out but I sure don't want to have the boy running home crying everytime he gets in a fight but I don't want a bully either.
I do a lot for my husband, but I stop short of babying him. If I don't get something for him, he'll get it himself. But, since he works long hours so that I can stay at home with our son, I'll go an extra mile for him to show him how much I appreciate it.
This stricks a note with me. My older sister is definetly babier to her hubby. When we first moved here we stayed with them a few days and I couldn't believe what she did for him. During a dinner we had she fixed his plate and then sat it in front of him to witch he asked are you going to cut my steak or am I so she grabs the plate and cuts his steak.She makes sure he if sitting and eating before she even fixes the grandbabies and hers.a few other times she would get his clothes out for the day before along with getting her grandbabies clothes. it just gets me. as for my hubby I think I do alot for him but as for babying him never. That goes to far I do know that he is alot like him Mom. She is a wonderfull women but as for his Dad he is a total A??. I am so thankful he isn't like him Dad.
As for our son. who is 4 and is a Mama's boy and a winer. I do hope to raise him to be like his Dad. But with 3 sisters we have our work cut out for us LOL.
No, I don't baby my dh and I don't at all think he's a child. Quite the opposite in fact. Pamt, the first half of your post could have been mine!! Do we have the same lifestyle? That's my control thing, too - dinner! Dh has hereditary high cholesterol so I make healthy meals for him and he eats them. I'm not one to make lists for him...if there are things to be done that I can't do on my own, I ask him and he takes care of it. There are so many times I couldn't even begin to tell you when he has taken over with dd and his strategies have put me to shame. I tell him he's a mother at heart, just with the wrong parts!! He would LOVE to stay home with her. And where (I hear at least) that many men are 'babies' when they're sick, dh is quite the opposite. He's just a grump and wants nothing done for him except to be left alone.
I don't have boys, but if I did, they would have the most wonderful example in my dh of everything I think they should be as men. Again Pamt, love the things you are doing with your sons. Opposite of that,for me having a daughter, I think it's important that she learns how to take care of herself as well, so that she doesn't have to rely on a man for the 'man' chores, so-to-speak. Pamt's sons (among other things) will be able to fix their own meals and clean their homes, while my dd will be able to change the oil in her car and mow the lawn.
Regarding where this thread kind-of started from, I think doing things for each other is mutual based on the schedule at the moment.
>>"If I am getting up to go get something I would surely do that, but why should I get up and get him something when he is just as capable?"<<
Exactly. If dh works late, bathes Natalie, and goes to bed early, I'll iron a shirt for him because it helps him out. If I have a busy day at home, or if it's one of my work days and we need things from the grocery for example, he'll go there after work because it's something I normally do but isn't convenient for me that day. I agree also that dh and I were together so long before we got married (6yrs) that we worked all that out and it's rarely been an issue.
I think with Heaventree's situation, it isn't convenient for her to drive dh to the party, but it's very easy for him to just get a cab for the night.
And where (I hear at least) that many men are 'babies' when they're sick, dh is quite the opposite. He's just a grump and wants nothing done for him except to be left alone.
LOL Deanna! We must have the same husbands. When DH is sick all he wants is to be left alone and sleep. Once he had double pneumonia AND the flu at the same time. I don't think he left the bed for 2 weeks. I'd just take him food and drinks on occasion and force him to eat/drink so he wouldn't dehydrate, but he was too sick to be a whiny baby.
Goodness, my husband is the same when he is sick. I don't dare try to mother him, it makes him so much grumpier.
I don't think I mother my DH. I get the distinct feeling from my MIL that I "should" be mothering him, much like you would a child. But I refuse to be his mother, and for the most part, my DH and I take care of each other. And I am lucky. He lived alone several years before we met, and he is a better cook than I am (much), does laundry, helps with housework, especially kitchen clean up, and I have even seen him patch up his own jeans! And does a super job of taking care of our daughter.
I'll admit, I have on more that one occasion asked my DH if he thinks he'll need a jacket if we are going out. I won't go as far as getting it and putting it in the car, (okay, MIL actually did this once while she was visiting) but I'll mention it. I guess I think of it as looking out for him, much like he does for me. Kindness, maybe? He will often check with me on my way out the door if I have my cell phone. And we both remind each other to drive careful. I never thought of that as mothering, just little ways to say "I care". But this is an interesting thread, and has got me thinking. I certainly would never mean to be condescending to my DH, and I am certainly giving more thought to this. Perhaps it's all in the way the other person receives the attention? I've learned with my DH, if he reacts with annoyance, I've gone too far!
Oh Pam, how can we be so alike in so many ways, and so different in others? I'll expand on this tonight, as I am off to work.
It depends on the day. My hubby does fine with the kids (he doesn't do things the way I would, but I let go of that a long time ago). He doesn't pick out clothes very well though, everyday is fine, but if it comes to a trip, he just can't seem to do it. So I pack for him (great I get to pack for 5). It does seem like I make all the decisions in this house. I don't know, I don't serve him, but I do feel like there are days I have an extra kid.
I am trying hard with my boys to not baby them. One of them I do a great job with, the other one, well he is my baby He has already stated that he wants to live at home with me until he is 40 and then he hopes our neighbors move so he can move out..LOL. What a boy, he makes me so happy!
Sometimes he babies me... gets me a glass of water or makes me a sandwich. Actually he babies me all the time since I am pregos.
Sometimes I baby him... do his chore or take care of him when he is sick.
I try not to baby my son. I am too busy to do that.
I baby him as much as he'll let me because I love him and he works very hard and deserves to be babied a bit. However, he gives me little opportunity to baby him. I think I'd like the chance to do more.
Ame
I guess I started this whole thread out of frustration. Ok here goes.
My MIL was/is a SAHM. She dedicated here entire life to her family. She has few friends and few outside activities. She is a bit shy and probably introverted. None of these things are bad, but you do have to set an example for your children. All three of here children are dependant in some way and insecure.
DH is most obvously the favourite (another thing I'd like to discuss in another thread). From the time DH was 4 years old everyone thought that he would be an NHL Super Star the next Wayne Gretskzy. Well he didn't make it, he played varisty hockey but that's it. Anyway the family seemed to revolve around DH because of this. When my FIL had an opportunity to move to San Fransciso for work he chose not to because of DH's potential hockey career, give me a break DH was a child at the time.
Fast forward, when my MIL comes here, see cooks dinner and makes a plate for DH. He expects me to do this for him, I have two kids already, he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. When I got home from the hospital after having Cameron, I was exhausted and wasn't getting any sleep but it seemed to me the focus was on DH, poor DH he's so tired. Please, he gets a full nights sleep and if he's tired during the day he can close his door at the office. I asked DH to give Cameron a bottle at 10:30 pm so I could go to bed at 8 and get a few hours of sleep, well he was too tired so his mommy did it for him. I know she was here to help out but when he was out of town she surely didn't do it for me. She went to bed.
DH has very few responsibilities around here, clean up the dog poop, mow the lawn, shovel the driveway and take out the garbage. I have to remind him to clean up the yard. He hates taking out the garbage and acts like a child when he has to. He wants me to collect all the garbage and recylcing in the house and put it on the front step so all he has to do is take it to the curb. I might as well take it out myself. It just irks me when I think of all the things I do everyday without complaining.
Heidi, I hear you girl about the reminding. I remind and ask and remind and ask and remind and ask until I get to the point of frustration and I will ask one more time but rudely. I hate that I have to get to that point. Then I get that "Yeah, Yeah I heard you the first 16 times". I think that there is a little bit of passive aggressive or passive resistance going on here. It was no big deal before we had children, but there is so much going on now and due to the fact that we have two boys, I want him to set a good example.
The hockey thing bothers me as well. He now plays recreational hockey, he wants me to come to his games. Honestly, and I know I might get slammed a bit for this but the last thing I want to do on Sundays is sit in a hockey rink and watch a bunch of middle aged men play really bad hockey, not only that I have two small children to care for, not a lot of fun to chase a toddler around a hockey rink for a couple hours and try to feed a hungry baby. I don't expect him to come to a scrapbooking class and watch me scrapbook. When our children are older and in activities I will be at every practice and every game, no problem, they are children and need encouragement. Not that Dh doesn't but I support him in other ways, I take care of our children, I take care of our home and I listen and support him in his job.
When Cameron was 1 month old DH took off for the weekend to go golfing. He left me with a new baby, a toddler and his mother. Timing was really bad as I was not sleeping and his mother was here to help but she only helped when DH was here. DH knew full well that he shouldn't go, but went anyway. The day before he said "If you don't want me to go I won't". Why on earth do I have to make that decision? He is a grown man, can see the situation for what it is. He admitted to me just recently that he was being selfish and immature, he wanted to go and knew that he probably shouldn't.
This is what I mean about being a baby, being immature and not taking responsibility. I'm just ticked off. I expected more. Matthew missed his swimming a few weeks ago, because DH didn't feel like taking him. It's a half hour class! He laid on the sofa all day watched golf. He never misses Sunday hockey. Never.
Anyway I could go on and on. I just want my boys to be responsible and just because I'm a SAHM I want them to pick up their end of the responsibilities in life. Not to rely on other people to do things for them. I just so dislike that whole sense of entitlement that some people have. I need my DH to help out though, he has to set the example, the boys will look to him and model his behaviour.
I know this has been a huge vent, and don't get me wrong I love DH and he has many good qualities and after many discussions over the past year he has really made an effort to make some positive changes around here. I no longer have to ask him to empty the dishwasher or to clean up the kitchen. He's doing much better. I guess I'm just annoyed that his parents didn't teach him these things and it's been left for me to do. Funny thing is, his Father is not like this. He is more like his Mother.
I'm tired of being his Mother, so I've stopped reminding and after years and years of asking and not having that work I've employed a little bit of his own strategy on him. I know some might think this is not the best way to handle this but believe me after almost 10 years, I had to try something else. When he asks me to do something I say "Ok, no problem" and then I just don't do it. When he asks if I did it I say "Oh no sorry I forgot, I'll do it tomorrow". Well it worked, he got the message pretty quickly.
Anyway that's my whole take on this thing and my major vent for now.
I have a garbage can on the back steps outside the door. All I have to open the door and throw it in the can and dh does take it down the back stair and put it in the real garbage can with the wheels. It is pretty easy. Plus dh doesn't come in the house twice with wet feet. So I don't have to clean the floor with twice the dirt.
Mowing the lawn... That took dh 4 hours to do and he was exhausted afterwards... We hired a gardener because I lost my husband for the whole weekend to the lawn...
I don't know... I pick my battles. I win so few of them... LOL...
All the men seem to be exhausted after working all day and commuting.
I hate stairs so dh has to run up and down the stairs with the clean laundry or anything else. he seems to get all the heavy work.
My dh is definately a product of his mother's raising. He was very spoiled in the ways he remembers, Got to have Tide & Colgate, Mom never made hamburger helper, Mom folds the towls a certain way. I've come to find out that some of the crap he tells me isn't true, mom says she did make hamburger helper on many occasions, he just doesn't remember. We struggled in the beginning with the but my mom did it this way or didn't do it that way, I finally broke down and yelled I'm not your Mother, I'm not Wonder Woman if you don't like it do it you darn (edited) self. We have since then started to comprimise. We go back in forth between tide and cheer which ever is cheaper. He has his toothpaste, I have mine. and I've learned to fold the towls the way his mom does them as long as he folds the jeans the way I like them to be folded. Fortunately for my future DIL my son doesn't seem to be so picky.
As for babying him, I do. I dish up his food, which ticks off his mom. I will lay out his clothes before we go somewhere, I want him to look good. If we are going to travel I pack his clothes too, I don't let him pack or we end up buying most of the things we need when we get there, did that once won't do it again. But he babies me too so it evens out. He irons my clothes, I don't iron. He will go downstairs in the middle of the night to get me a glass of water. He takes care of the kids and house if I'm working late and never complains.
I think you kinda have to baby each other to make it work.
Kristie,
Your post made me laugh, one time DH told me didn't like the way I folded his t-shirts, so I stopped.
My DH will go and get me a glass of water in the middle of the night and I do little things for him as well, I don't consider this babying. I'm all for taking care of each other.
What bothers me is the attitude, like acting like a child because it's garbage day or not owning up to responsiblities and letting others do things for you or expecting that someone will remind you to take care of something. I won't indulge this kind of behaviour.
I think you should take care of your family, but as some mentioned above, I think it was Pam, we want to raise our children so that they are able to take care of themselves and be self sufficient.
The other thing that bothers me is that some men think that the whole world revolves around them. My DH is a product of this, as this is what his parents did. A perfect example is wanting me to drive him to his party, he did not for one minute consider how that would effect everyone else. He was only thinking of himself.
OMG. I have 6 bags of groceries left to put away and dh just came home and wants to play computer games instead. So ya I guess in a way he is kind of a kid, lol.
Ok, ladies. My MIL, up until a few years ago, babied my FIL to the nth degree. One example of the many - she put his socks on his feet every morning before he got out of bed for 30 years.
Mine is acting like a baby today! He was asking my opinion about calling in sick, all afternoon, since he has a cold. I asked him if he would rather just lay on the couch with his box of kleenex and then he said he would probably be on the computer. Well, that is pretty much what he does at work, too, and I pointed that out to him. So, he went to work, but he's blaming me for guilting him into not calling in sick!
I think he's a grown man and should make his own decision. He was waffling so much and changing his mind from one minute to the next! Sheesh! He stormed out of here all mad, to go to work!
When I want to call in sick, I just say, "I'm calling in sick," and go make the phone call. Was I supposed to hold his hand and stroke his brow while he made the phone call?
He only has a cold, but thinks that he is dying.
Men.
OMG Dawn, I can relate. DH pulled a muscle in his thigh or groin area. I think he thought he had terminal cancer. I had a doctor's appointment so I took him along just so he'd stop worrying. I kept saying "It's a pulled muscle or ligament". He kept saying "I just don't know, it could be something serious".
The doctor poked around and said you have a pulled muscle. Whew! And he thought he was dying.
I get irritated because my dh NEVER goes to the doctor! It's like pulling teeth to get him to go in when he's got an ailment. He's so stinkin' stubborn!!
All you guys are just cracking me up!!!
It's very weird...my husband, in the 7 years we've been together, has NEVER called in sick. He's NEVER sick. It's so strange. I'm a baby when I'm sich though...you can tell it annoys him.
As far as "forgetting" the trash and poop, I think I'm just doing to put the poop in a double baggie and put it in his car. Driver's side, with a note "Those who forget to pick up the poop before moon is a crescent, gets a delightful present!"
Ooohh...and when he left for Florida on Monday morning, he took out the trash but somehow forgot the recyclables that were right there. He told ME to remind HIM before he left. Uummmmm...the trash is right next to the car that you are warming up and THAT doesn't remind you?
I agree Dawn, MEN!
Well, he did go to work, but came home about an hour later. You know, I can't feel what he is feeling. I don't live inside his body! If he felt that bad, then he should have just called in sick. He kept saying it was a cold, though, and I have worked through colds. How am I supposed to know this one was different! LOL!
Heaventree, it sounds to me less like being a baby than being very selfish! There is a huge difference.
Ame
Yeah, Ame, I think you are right. He is so used to having the world revolve around him. You would not believe how much his mother caters to him. I know that it's not entirely her fault, he's an adult and responsible for his own actions.
It's funny though, sometimes he is so caring and considerate. He gets up on the weekends takes care of both children, lets me sleep as long as I like and always encourages me to go out and do the things I want to do. Makes me breakfast when I get up and cleans up on the weekends. He would drive me across town in a snow storm to a Christmas party if that's what I wanted. Last year when I was pregnant we had a wedding to go to the last thing I felt like doing was shopping. He went to the store and bought me 8 dresses came home with them so I could try them on. He said keep the ones you want and I'll return the rest.
He always says "I'm not perfect" and he's right sometimes I expect a lot. I'm not perfect either. He has made more efforts these past few weeks, he's stopped complaining and makes more an effort around the house. It's just going to take me some time to believe that this change is for the long term. Hopefully it will be.
I guess what I have to do is to stop pointing out his faults and encourage his good points. Just like we do with our children!
The whole doc thing is another story entirely. I have two complaints, dh whines about not having his teeth cleaned since we moved. I have a dentist, gave him the number, even made an appointment that he had to cancel because it didn't fit his schedule at work. WELL, sounds like you have to call yourself.
Complaint two. My husband is the world's worst at picking at his toe nails instead of clipping them, whatever. But he had a hangnail that got infected. He is borderline diabetic, so feet issues can become serious. Well toe gets infected badly. The end of May I recall him complaining about it and me saying, hmm go to the doc. Well July on vacation he still hasn't done anything (not true, he had been peroxiding it and antibiotic cream daily). His sil commented about how bad it looked. Literarally his toe was twice the size it was supposed to be and just nasty looking. Still no doc. In August I go to my dad's for a week without him. I do this every year, I make a big circle and visit all the family that he doesn't want to see. It works out great, and he is okay with it. He misses me terribly, but it is good too. Anyway, on day 5 (i am coming home on day 7) he calls and almost crying says he may have to have his toe amputated. My first thought was not sympathy. But I was nice, he finally went to the doc because he whole foot swelled up and he couldn't put his shoe on. Now he noticed on day 2, that it was red up to his ankle and STILL waiting 3 days. GEESH! So he was very upset and paniced and mad that I wasn't home etc. UGH. The good news is that after a trip to the podiatrist and a round of antibiotics his toe and foot is just fine. But I worry that he didn't learn his lesson. MEN!
I haven't read all the posts so please excuse me if I am redundant.
My first reaction was that I do baby him. Like packing his lunch for him and doing his laundry. And at times he does act childish. Like the totally useless "toys" he buys and the pouting he does when he really wants something but doesn't get his way.
But then I thought more about it. I fix his lunch b/c I love him so dearly. Yes I fix my kid's lunch, too. I do his laundry for the same reason. It's not to mother him. And I can get some pretty good pouts going myself and I don't feel childish, just hurt. And I can act very childish when I want something that is frivolous talking all silly and sweet. He's not my daddy, he's my honey.
Then I turned the tables on myself. If my van breaks down or the doorknob needs replacing, I go to dh. Is he fathering me by fixing these things or rescuing me? I don't think so. He rescues me b/c he loves me not to be a father figure for me.
I do things for dh that I know he likes and that make his life softer for him. He does things for me that I could probably do for myself or have done because he wants to be the strong one for me.
Heaventree, I take back my comment about him being selfish. Now I say he's just human and has his quirks like everyone else.
Ame
Debbie,
I don't think doing things like laundry and making lunches is babying, and as for fixing things around the house I don't think he's fathering you by doing that.
I guess the point I was trying make was this. If your DH threw a fit or acted childish everytime you asked him to do something like change a door knob, would you indulge this behaviour? My MIL probably would. If she knew DH didn't like to take out the garbage she would do it for him.
We all have unpleasant tasks that we don't want to do. I don't particulary like changing dirty diapers or cleaning toliets, but I don't complain and act like a child everytime I have to do either and I don't expect to be praised for doing these things.
I think that you do nice things for your DH is wonderful and a good reminder that we could all be a little kinder and gentler with our spouses.
Oh Ame, that's ok, I didn't mean to come off as complaining about him and then when people agree with me I end up defending him. I hate it when people do that!
He is admittingly self centered and selfish at times, but as he says "I'm working on it!"
Kaye, that was really dangerous of your husband to ignore that infection so long! If he was getting a red line up his leg, he was close to becoming septic! I can't believe he let it go that long! Sheesh! I'm glad the antibiotics helped.
Just reading again. He saw the red streak and STILL WAITED THREE DAYS! He's lucky he didn't end up in the hospital! That had to have hurt sooooo bad!
Septic means the infection is now affecting your entire body and not just the toe, and would have meant a hospital stay with IV antibiotics!
I don't baby him in attitude. I don't talk down to him or anything like that. For a while I was fixing hus lunch, laying out his clothes, finding socks and such. I always take out the trash. I mowed the lawn most of the time it needed, and everything else. I got sick and tired of it and told him I wasn't doing it anymore. He was responsible for doing those things from now on. I do not ask him to clean. He works 10 hours a day and I wouldn't be cleaning if it was me working so I don't ask the same. I just go to school in the evening and he could fix his lunch and such while I am at school. A few weeks of that and he kept getting mad that he couldn't find stuff and everything like that and was constantly running late so I started getting his stuff together again.
I don't baby him, but somehow I feel and am held responsible for anything that goes wrong. It annoys him but when he sighs or gets frustrated I automatically assume that I did something or didn't do something. When he is up in the morning and can't find something or something is going wrong he just throws some stuff around and makes a big deal until I notice and get up and fix it. He is a good husband and does great with the kids, but also had a mom that did a lot for him. Bought him anything and everything whether he wanted it or not.
For Christmas I told her what I wanted Ty to get me and said that he rarely gets me stuff because he never gets around to ordering it or buying it. I also usually buy for myself. Anyways unless I am directly involved with buying myself something I don't get anything. So I told her that if he does that then I am not getting him anything (he does not seem to notice because his mom spoils him). I bought him a grill for fathers day and in five years have not gotten one mothers day gift. He doesn't really even mention it. Although I have gotten a few homeade cards that was cute, but not a lot of planning or thought. So anyways his mom ordered my gift for him so he didn't have to worry about it. She wanted me to register with Target so he wouldn't have to put in a lot of info when he ordered it. I told her that I am not his mom and am not creating an account so he will buy my gift. He can do that. Anyways when I get the gift I will be sure to thank is mom and not him.
To his credit he does remember to try to be considerate, it just doesn't come naturally.
Dawn you are so right about him. I used to make all his appointments and drag him to the doc. I stopped doing that. And of course the mean wife that I was, didn't say oh my gosh, i am so worried. I said, well, I hope it works out okay..LOL. As I said, stupid. And for the record I am very very happy it worked out okay, and hope he learns his lesson.
My hubby has things he is very good at. But when times are hard, it is so easy to see the things he isn't good at. And I do feel like a lot of his issues come from lack of parenting, and then I have a pretty strong personality. So I like thing like I like them and it is easier to just do his stuff too, so it is like I want it. I try to tone this down.
On doc phil today they talked a bit about relationships. Facts and myths about men. One of the thoughts of the day was that men just inately (sp?) need to be needed. So if you are the type of woman that doesn't really need your man for the physical things in life (money, fun, etc), you need to make it clear that you do need the emotional side of him. For example you can take care of yourself, fix your car, change a tire, but the car can't say, honey I love you and give you a hug. Anyway, doc phil suggestion is to make sure you make that distinction very clear to your hubby. Anyway, just wanted to pass that on.
Julie,
I feel your pain, DH is not great about gift giving, nor is he good at Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Birthday's etc. It's sad, not that I want fireworks, just a little recognition of a special day, I guess everyone wants to feel special. He always gets me something, but I feel like the effort is just not there. When I ask what he wants for Christmas, he always just says "Get me loto tickets". Boring.
Over the years I have made less and less effort, today I asked him if we were going to decorate for Christmas. It's discouraging when you live with someone who doesn't show the same amount of enthausium as you do. Personally I think we should have decorated already.
He said he was going to and buy a tree and I'm sure he will, but it will probably be at the last minute. I think I'll just wait for him to do everything this year and try not to stress over it.
I hope now that we have children he will make the effort for them.
It's funny today he bought the new Bee Gees cd, love songs, we were in the kitchen and he grabbed me to dance with him, Matthew was so happy and excited to see us dancing. He started dancing as well. Too bad Matthew's dancing is turning around in circles, he made himself dizzy and fell down. But I think DH sees that his actions affect his children and that having fun and setting a good example for your children to model is a good thing!
If I waited for hubby to decorate for Christmas, it would never happen! LOL! It will take tons of nagging for him to get the icicle lights up? We just have one string, so it's not complicated. It's just gotten so cold! I swear next year, we are going to have him do it in October, when it's still warm, and just leave them unplugged until after Thanksgiving!
Heaventree, to be honest with you, it sounds like you have a wonderful dh. I don't know of too many men that would go out and buy dresses and return ones not wanted and all of that, or stop and buy a BeeGees cd just for no reason.
It sounds like you want things done when you want them done and that is it. As far as him buying a tree, if you are going to leave it up to him and he wants to do it last minute, does it really matter?? Taking out the trash, I wouldn't even tell him about it. If he forgets, that is his problem.
I think you two might just think about things in a totally different way. To be honest, he might wonder why you are the way you are about things. You said that he would take you to the party with the kids in toe without a second thought... I am sure he wonders why it is such a big deal to you. You think he is being selfish and not thinking of you when he asked you to do it, but I am sure he didn't give it a second thought because it is something he would be willing to do with no problem at all.
You also said:
always encourages me to go out and do the things I want to do.
Again, I am sure he is bothered by the fact that you don't like him playing hockey and have no desire to go watch him. I am sure he doesn't understand that when he is so encouraging for you to go do things.
I think that you need to let go of some things. If you want trash taken out at a certain time etc, than I would do it yourself. If it is a job that you will not do, then you need to let go of it. Don't remind him, don't tell him to do it, just let it go. Same thing with poop patrol. If he doesn't do it the way you want, than I also suggest that you do it yourself. If your going to give him the job, than give it to him and let it go. Now, believe me when I say that I speak on this from experience. I am the QUEEN of being anal and wanting things to be done perfect and right. But, I was driving myself crazy trying to do it all. I didn't even "let" dh do things because I knew he wouldn't do them the way I wanted or considered right. I finally figured out that sometimes, it doesn't matter if things are done by my standards of right as long as they are done and I don't have to do them!!
I hope that you don't take offense to this, but I think you have yourself wound up tight and you need to let go a little! Again, I was EXACTLY the same way, so don't think I am bashing you at all. Don't think of your kids as a "extra" thing to do. Take them to the hockey rink and let them watch Daddy. I bet they will LOVE it and dh would love it too. Is it more work than staying at home with them?? Sure it is, but it could also be tons of fun for all of you!! You can't stay at home for the next 8 years because it is too hard to go out with the kids. You will miss sooo many wonderful times if you let that be the case.
Again, I am not saying that you don't have the right to vent about things and get frustrated. God knows men can make us nuts sometimes. I am also not saying that your dh doesn't have his faults, I am sure he does, we all do! But from what I have read, his "faults" don't seem to be all that bad. It really does seem that you two just look at things in a totally different way. You see him as selfish and thinking only of himself on things, but those very things he would do for you without a second thought. So I am sure he wonders why they are a big deal to you!
Vicki,
Thanks for your perspective it is very much appreciated and I don't take offense at all.
I just want to clarify a few things though. I don't care if he takes out the garbage or not. He wants me to do it for him and when he has to do it himself he acts like a child swearing under his breath and stomping around. I guess my point was I don't stomp my feet everytime I have to empty the dishwasher.
Cleaning up dog poop, I have a little toddler who can't play in the backyard because it's full of dog poop. It was incredibly hot here this summer I and was pregnant. If you think for one minute I was going to go out and clean up dog poop in the heat while being 8 months pregnant, well let's just say there was no way that was going to happen. So Matthew spent the summer in the house. Yes, I could have taken him to the park, but we have a huge backyard that we cannot use.
Regarding the hockey, I'm happy he plays hockey and there is no way I would take that away from him really. My point is he will lay on the sofa all day on Saturday, won't take Matt to his swimming (because he doesn't feel like it) and think nothing of it. I have another child to take care of right now. Later when Cameron is older I will gladly take Matt swimming, but I can't be in 2 places at one time. But no way will he miss hockey on Sunday. When the children are older I will take them to watch Daddy play, but right now I'm nursing and hockey is a 3 hour outing, it interferes with nursing and naptime for both children. Matthew is too young to sit and watch Daddy play, all he wants to do is run around. I can't watch Cameron and chase Matthew around a large public area. It just doesn't make sense.
You know DH is a great guy, he does a lot of loving things for us. He is very sweet and is always the first to apologize when we have a disagreement. But I cannot do everything around here. You are right I'm anal about things and I'm trying to let go, but I always have to force DH to do things and it ticks me off. I went out and bought all the gifts for his family this year. All I wanted him to do was fill out the cards and help me get the parcel together, he actually got up and whinned "I don't feel like it". Why do I have to do everything while he lays on the sofa all night, everynight and all day Saturday?
I have given up on having him do things the way I want. I used to show him how to load the dishwasher, now I keep my mouth shut and if the dishes don't come out clean I just wash them again myself and the same with many other things, I'm now just grateful for the help and the effort. But I'm no martyr, I will not do everything just because he throws a little tantrum and whines he doesn't feel like it.
Again, no offense taken, it really helps when I can come here and vent, getting things out helps me see things a little clearer and I do appreciate all the different prespectives I get here whether people argree or not. I just thought that you may have misunderstood my piont a bit.
You know the other great thing about venting here is that I don't feel like I have to take these issues up with DH as much. It's like I'm getting it out here and after I've vented the problems don't seem quite as large.
Thanks Vicki!
My DH helps with the garbage, but dog poop is my job. Of course, I'm not pregnant, either. I want the yard clean, so I do it. I have finally learned it's just easier to pick it up every couple of days, instead of leaving it for weeks, like I used to. I like being able to walk anywhere in my yard and not have to step in poop.
DH surprised me with a cd once. I just melted right there in the mall!
Yeah, I think he could help you out a little more, without complaining so much.
I don't baby my husband If anything, he baby's me.
My mother in law baby's her husband though. It's to the point of being ridiculous. She's a funny one
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