I read an article this morning that troubles me deeply. A woman who carries the gene for early Alzheimers "selected" her children through the same process used for artificial insemnation. She donated eggs, her husband donated sperm, and the ovum were checked for this gene, so that the fertilized eggs did not have it. (The disease is very rare, and one that has severe Alzheimer's type symptoms start at around age 40 - she has both a sister and a brother who are already affected and apparently at least one parent who was subject to this disease.) This woman, at age 30, "desperately" wants children, even knowing that within ten years more or less she will suffer early, severe Alzheimers, and chose this method to be sure her children would not be subject to the same disease.

This article reminded me of one I had read many years ago, of a man who had Huntingdon's chorea, another very serious, fatal disease that has an onset somewhere in the 30's to 40's. This man's father and uncles had fallen victim to this disease, he carried the gene and knew that he would probably pass it on to his sons, but decided to have children because he felt it was his right to have children.

What I find trouble about both of these stories is that these people feel that it is their "right" to have children, no matter what it may mean for the children. The man, knowing he will father sons who will be subject to a terrible, debilitating fatal disease and daughters who will carry the gene for their sons, and the woman, knowing that the child she has at age 31 will, within ten years, effectively lose her mother to early severe Alzheimers.

I feel there is something terribly wrong in choosing to have a child under the circumstances described in those two stories.

I'm not sure why we have children - I'm not even sure why I had children, although my first child, at least, was very definitely a planned child (which means two were not planned). Do we have children for ourselves? For the gratification we have in "reproducing" ourselves (which gratification often loses some of its glory by the third week of sleepless nights)? Because we are married and "everyone" expects us to have children? Because our spouse wants children? Because our parents expect us to provide them with grandchildren?

Do we have children because we want to contribute to the continuation of society, of humanity? Because we want to raise people who will contribute to society? Why do we have children?

And do we view those children as "ours", as in possessions, or "ours" as in our responsibility, or, perhaps, as belong to themselves, not to us, but whom we have a responsibility to raise to be responsible people?

I'm meandering somewhat here, but I'd like to know what some of you feel.

By Sunny on Monday, March 4, 2002 - 09:19 pm:

Why do we have children? Wow. What a complicated and hard question to answer. I've tried many times to respond, but can't think of what to write.

I can only answer from my point of view. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted children and a family. I knew it when I was 12 and the feeling got stronger as I got older. I can't pinpoint it and say it was because of this is or that, but I know it is not something I thought about or questioned, I just knew it's what I wanted. Family has always been the most important thing to me. My childhood was not idyllic, but I was given a strong sense of family loyalty and enough love to know I wanted to pass that along, and having my own family was the most logical way (for me) of doing that. I could probably say I had kids for selfish reasons, but selfishness isn't always a bad thing. I married a man who felt the same way I did about kids, and when our first was born, we weren't "just a couple" anymore, but a "family".
My first child was not planned, but the rest of my kids (with the exception of my current pregnancy) were planned. And I can say with certainty that I was being very selfish with my fourth child. I was still grieving over the loss of my mother AND the loss of a mother-daughter relationship, which I cherished beyond words. I wanted another baby, and I wanted that baby to be a girl. This way, I would be on the other side of the mother-daughter relationship, but I would at least have it back. As you know, I was blessed with another son. I found out when I was 6 months along, and it took me the rest of my pregnancy to reconcile my feelings. I don't regret for one minute having him. Any disappointment I felt for him being a boy literally melted away when I held him the first time.

When my kids were/are babies, I was/am very possessive of them. They are helpless and defenseless at that age and it's my responsibility to protect and nuture them. As they get older, my responsibilities change, and I want them to start to belong to themselves, but I still want to help guide them.

I'm not sure if I answered the original question. I wanted kids, I had them, and now I try my best to raise them to be responsible, caring people.

By Kim on Monday, March 4, 2002 - 09:22 pm:

I had children because I believed it to be an act of deeply committed love and therefore a product of that love. I had always said I would NEVER have children EVER. But the prospect of creating a LIFE, a being born out of love, a gift to me and the world. It is an overwhelming topic to me, very deeply seated in my heart. I don't feel it was expected of me by anyone. I took it as THE biggest committment you could ever make in your life and I still do. I do not feel I own my children. I never have. I am merely nurturing them hopefully into being functioning, loving adults, maybe someone who can change the world. They are my gift, only for a short while, and then they are their own.

If I had such a disease, I would never feel it was my right to have a baby anyway. I do not believe in picking and choosing embryos. I think that is wrong. If I had such a disease I personally would feel it was a sign, to me, that I had another purpose to serve in my life besides being a mother and I would try to find that reason. I would never have children with such a high chance of passing a disease or if I myself were most likely going to develop a debilitating one. Wouldn't that be purely selfish and self serving? What would become of the child?

By Jujubee9752 on Tuesday, March 5, 2002 - 12:31 am:

I am like Sunny on this one. I have just always wanted kids. From as far back as I can remember all that I have ever wanted was a family to nurture and care for. I don't feel that my kids are my own. They are gifts that God has given me, and that I am raising to the best of my ability. Sometimes I fall short, but He is always there to pick up the pieces and fix my messes. As for the two stories that you mentioned...I just don't know. I'd love to say that I would be "woman" enough to never have children in those instances. But I have found that I never know how I will react to a situation until I am in it. And then usually my reaction is totally different from what I thought it would be. I think, imho, that if you are in a situation such as that, it would be best if you didn't have children. But I truly can't say that I for sure wouldn't, I can only pray that God would give me the strength to do what's right, and the wisdom to know what right is.

By Joan on Tuesday, March 5, 2002 - 12:34 am:

I have a friend that has Huntington's Diease like you mentioned. She is 30. The diease started showing about 4 years ago. She has 5 children! Her mother died of this last year at the age of 46. She has had several members of her family die of this terrible diease. She has told me that if someone has this there is an 80% chance of the offspring to have it. She has 5 kids so the chances are great that many of these kids will have it also. Just wanted to share.

By Sandie on Friday, March 8, 2002 - 12:31 pm:

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to get married, have babies and stay at home with them. To me, the greatest and most rewarding job is to be a mother. My kids are gifts from God, precious treasures that my husband and I are given to take care of, love, nurture, and give the best life we possibly can. (No I am not talking about physical things, although I am sure we all like to give our kids nice things.) Although, I do feel the kids are a part of us, they do not "belong" to us, for they are God's.
And about rights to have children...NO, it is not a right, it is a gift. Not all people are blessed with kids.
On not having children becasue you carry the gene for/ have a disease passable to your kids...
I have a hole in my heart, its genetic, should I not have had children becasue of this? I lead a pretty fulfilling and active life, not as active as some becase of the hole, but nonetheless, my life is fulfilling to me. Should I not have had my beautiful wonderful children because they might end up with a hole too and not be professional sports players or somehing like that? No, I don't think so. My husband suddenly and unexpainably lost hearing in one ear(at age 19). Should we have not had our kids because they could have the same thing happen? No, he leads a fulfilling life as an aircraft technician, doing what he always wanted to do. There are all kinds of risks with having children, even the healthiest people can produce a baby with health problems. Think about it, asthma and diabetes are common diseases that can be deadly, yet noone questions these people when having babies. Why is it only the "big name" problems that people wonder about another couples motives for having children? We made the decision not to plan any of our pregnancies, that if and when God blessed us, then we would be happy and do everything in our power to have a healthy pregnancy and raise the child the best we could. Just think of all the wonderful people in our lives that we would miss out on if women didnt have children because of risks. There are always risks.