Do u listen in on your kids telephone conversations
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Do u listen in on your kids telephone conversations
in washington state its become illegal if i am to understand the wording of this. i am guilty of this when i thought my daughter was doing things she was allowed to. and will do it again. i read her diary and her notes from her friends and followed her a few times. i will go to any length to protect her. do u agree with this ?? what do u do and what would u do
My kids are not at that age yet, but I hope that I am able to trust them & not have to do this. I think that it is horrible to violate your childs privacy UNLESS they have given you reason to believe they are doing something that could potentially harm themselves or others.
I don't with my kids, but they are barely on the phone. Usually, it's just to make arrangements for a get together and not lengthy conversations.
I cant say that I REALLY listen to them, just kind of spot eves drop just to make sure that what they are up to is innocent. I dont let them surf unattended, why would I allow them to talk unsupervised.
I read the article also. What the court said, in essence, was that the mom could not testify in court about what she heard in the telephone conversation. What she heard was her daughter talking to a scumbag boyfriend who was talking about the location of items stolen in a purse snatching. Mom testified in court against the scumbag about what she heard. The court decided that because of Washington state's wiretapping/eavesdropping laws, her testimony could not be allowed. As I read the article, nothing in the decision said that she could not listen - only that she could not record (actually record or make notes on) the conversation without the consent of the parties.
Pennsylvania has a similar law - you cannot record (in any way) a telephone conversation without the consent of all the parties. Many states have similar laws. This is why, when you call for customer service or something similar, part of the intro you get is that this conversation may be recorded "for quality service" purposes.
It's not really a matter of trusting YOUR kids - it's a matter of trusting people your kids think of as friends (and trusting the judgment of adolescents and teenagers). And bless them, our kids often have less than good judgment about friends and about activities. Yes, I sometimes eavesdropped (though I didn't pick up the phone to listen). And I occasionally searched bedrooms - which was when I told one son that if he intended to smoke pot he had better plan on living with his father, as it wasn't going to happen in my house. I think a responsible parent has to pay attention to the signals and sometimes invade a child's privacy - knowing full well that the child will at least temporarily hate you for it. Bottom line, legally and otherwise, is that it is your house and you have a right to inspect any and every part of it. If (heaven forbid) the police came to your door and asked to search your child's room, you have every legal right to allow them to do so because the child's room is part of your house.
Jewlz, while I have difficulty following your abbreviations sometimes, I agree with you in principal.
Story - I noticed that one son was coming with the family to church, going to Sunday School (senior high), but not showing up in the worship service. (I'm an usher, so usually my sons sat together but I was busy "ushing" for much of the service, and usually the senior high sat in the balcony.) After a couple of Sundays, I first searched the church buildings (and we have a big church). No son, and some of his friends were also among the missing. So I decided to search further, and started walking down the main drag on which the church is located, checking to see what was open and what was not. (I should explain that my congregation chose to remain in what is essentially an "inner city" location, predominately minority, predominately very low income, and a fairly high crime rate compared to the rest of the city.) I found a convenience store open and walked in, finding that the store had a pool parlor in the back and, lo and behold, my son and his friends playing pool. My timing was perfect. I walked up behind my son just as he was shooting, and said, "Hi, Greg." He missed his shot, of course. And came back to church with me, of course. I later explained, fairly firmly and clearly, that you don't use church as a social gathering - if you want to get together with your friends and shoot pool, OK, but don't come to church just to meet with your friends for Sunday School and then bug out to shoot pool - it's not fair, especially to the minister who was in charge of youth ministry and a really super guy. So, dear son, either come to church and come to the worship service, or don't come to church and meet your friends elsewhere - your choice. For the next two years my son and his friends were prominently seated in a first floor pew (not the balcony, their former seating choice) for the entire worship service.
I know TX law says you can only record a conversation if one of the parties involved is aware. (Essentially, the person recording counts, as long as they are an active participant.) As for testifying in court about a conversation you evesdropped on, I don't think it's RIGHT, but they also shouldn't give him a new trial. Personally, I do not think it's appropriate to listen in on your kid's conversations, if you can't trust them to that extent, they shouldn't be allowed to use the phone!
YOU GO, MOM!
I totally agree with Ginny! (Cool, eh?)
Kids need guidance, and we parents are the guardrails down the rocky curvy road of adolescence. My ds is only 8, but he knows now that I gave it to him and I can take it away from him. That goes for his videogames and his TV. When I get him a phone, it's still mine, I am only allowing him to USE it. And it will go for his privacy, when he gets to that point.
I think when DD gets older she is entitled to her privacy unless she does something to really break the trust. I'm not surre how I feel about phone conversations being listened in on and diaries being read.
When I was 14 I wrote in a diary constantly. My Mom did drugs then and was tearing my life apart, I lived with my stepdad, grandma and siblings. For a while writing in my diary was my only form of venting because I shared a room with 2 other siblings. We were never allowed clsed doors unless changing in the bathroom and we had to talk on the phone in front of the "authority" figures. I had no out to what I was going through and no one to talk to, so like I said I wrote in my diary. That is until one day I was looking through my Dads files (with his permission) trying to find an old report card and came upon a bunch of photo copied entries from MY DIARY that included talking about shaving "down there", being that time of the month, a cute boy who never called back, and everything going on with my mom etc.... things my STEPDAD didnt need to know. And I have no idea why they were photocopied to this day. As a result I no longer wrote in my diary.
Not soon after that I ended up in counseling because the only time I could find to talk to people or friends and try to help me through this time in my life was by ditching classes. And soon after that, acting out at home.
And all of that came down to the fact that I simply had no privacy to express myself. And to those who will say "You were a teenager". Yes, I was. But I was the good grade, never snuck out, never talked back or did anything wrong teenager and child for that matter. My stepdad even says now (and my grandparents) that I was the most well behaved child from the day I was born. So, I never did anything to lose that privacy, when I left living with my Mom I lost it then.
And i've read plenty of books where it talks about a little privacy being essential to a growing teenager, given they have done anything to take it away.
When I had the privacy I needed while living with my Mom, I never did drugs, I think I sipped a wine cooler once, I was at the top of my class and just an overall good kid. When my mom started doing drugs and I had no way of expressing myself, my whole life changed.
Just remember, your kids may be your kids but they ARE humans as well. And nobody learns anything better than learning from their own mistakes.
Jewlz- I mean this in the nicest way possible but I hope you daughter NEVER finds out what you are doing. Its sad and I feel for her. 
I think that it really betrays the trust that your child may have for you. My stepmom listened to my phone calls and read my diary for entertainment value and curiosity and then I got in trouble for feeling the way I felt and for what I wrote in my diary. I stopped writing in it after that. I was not doing or writing anything bad just that I felt like she favored my little sister more and that I didn't think she liked me very much. She was very invasive in all areas of privacy. She would send my little sisters to tell me something while I was in the bath tub and then I would get in trouble for yelling at them to get out. I never felt like I had any at all. I was pretty much a good kid. I got into some trouble, but that was basically rebelling against the invasivness that I felt. Then again as a parent I will not hesitate to check up on my kids to ensure they are doing what they say they are. Kids lie naturally. No one teaches them that. My hopes are to build a relationship where it is ok to have diff feelings and to be able to express them. IF I suspected drugs or inappropriate relationships or sneaking outo f church or things of that nature then I would not hesitate to do what it took to take care of it and help them. I think it depends on the situation and children in question.
I will try to respect my childrens' privacy but I do have trouble not being nosy, especially when I know that something is bothering my oldest dd and she won't talk to me about it. If I suspect a problem, though, I have no issue listening in on phone conversations or reading notes. My mom never respected my privacy (daily room searches, following me when I went out with my friends, etc) and I was a good kid. No alcohol, no drugs, great grades, great friends. I think some of the issues I have now relate to a search for privacy and control still. BUT I know that there are plenty of kids that don't make good decisions and, if my child is one of those, I want to know as soon as possible so that I can take care of it before it becomes a huge issue. If something is going wrong, I may be held responsible and that means that I have the right to know.
Only in extreme circumstances would I consider invading my child's privacy (which includes reading their diaries or listening in on phone conversations). I'm talking about instances where I feel my child is depressed and/or suicidal, involved in something illegal or uncontrollable to the point of needing outside help. To listen in on phone conversations or read diaries just to check up on my child crosses a personal boundary for me.
I believe that trust and respect is learned in childhood - when they are still a child. Now, you'll probably say that teenagers are still children, and I'd agree with you up to a point, but they are a lot closer to adulthood than childhood! I understand the "my house, so I have the right to search wherever I want" way of thinking, but I also know that if my husband felt the need to check up on me or listen in on my phone conversations, because it's his house too after all, I would lose a little respect for him and a lot of trust. I don't see much differnce between respecting an adult's privacy and a 16 yr old young adult's privacy. I want my kids to feel comfortable coming to me with their worries and problems (and they do, although I probably only hear 1/3 of what's actually on their minds!  ) and I know that by invading their privacy, I'm also slowly losing their trust. If I'm snooping around on them, how could they trust me to keep to myself something they told me in confidence?
Just my opinion. I know there aren't any easy answers when it comes to teenagers. I think we should all get some kind of reward when it's all said and done! 
My only question is: How do you KNOW you're kid's doing something wrong if you don't snoop?
Obviously, a line needs to be drawn. A parent reading a diary or listening in only for entertainment value is inappropriate. But, some kids are so good at hiding things that you HAVE to snoop once in a while, just to be sure, and DEFINITELY if you suspect something is up.
Naturally, the kid will feel violated, but what if something IS up (drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, cutting, diet pills, etc). When you get down to it, they do NOT have the right to privacy if they are engaging in self destructive or illegal behavior. It is our jobs as parents to keep our kids on track. When you get your teen the help s/he needs, s/he will thank-you in the end.
When some of us were kids (for me I was 13 in 1983) the drug scene wasn't as prevalent. I lived in a small town where the biggest drug was pot. No one in my school did any crack or meth, and the date rape drug wasn't even heard of. Not quite half of the girls in my class had lost their virginity by the age of 17. Video games were only in arcades. No one had invented the internet yet. The only shooting on TV was done by the bad guys, and you rarely saw anyone actually GET shot. The words for female dogs, back sides, and fatherless children were NEVER uttered on TV. You could just about bet that if you knew a kid's last name, you could call his mom by that name as well.
These days, it is so different. All a kid has to do is ask for it and they have it. Drugs, sex, alcohol, violent video games, online predators, reality TV, gangs, guns, cursing, (my ds has asked me a couple of times if it is okay for him to say bad words when he gets to be a big kid cuz all the big kids at school do it), you name it, it's out there. We as parents have to be more careful than EVER!
Did you know that binge drinking is now being done in MIDDLE SCHOOL? Did you know that teenage girls are taking COCAINE to LOSE WEIGHT? Do you know what JELLY BRACELETS are and what they mean? Did you know that stressed out teens, mostly girls, often cut themselves as a way of relieving stress? Did you know......??
Melissa, Juli, and Cori, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from with regards to lack of privacy from your parents. But it goes deeper than that. You lacked a bond with your parents. They lacked basic respect for you as a young person with feelings and dreams. There was no communication about all these dangers that exist out there, and as a result, there was no trust.
Our biggest job with our children is keeping communication OPEN. Our kids HAVE to know that we are here for them if they have questions, and we will ALWAYS make time for them, to listen to them, to help them understand the world, to help them understand human behavior, and they have to know that they can come to us without the threat of punishment or judgement.
I have, to date, had the sex talk with my son, the drug talk, the violent video games talk, and the race talk (his friend's father caught them saying the N word to eachother.) He knows he can come to me and ask me anything, and I intend to do my best to keep it that way. Something truly I wish your parents had done for you.
Ditto Sunny!
I have taught my children their whole lives that sneaking is wrong. I have had open, at their level, conversations with them their whole lives. My DD is 15 and she will sit on the couch with me or call me into her room while she is on the phone to include me in the conversation. Because I am honest with her (with in boundaries) she knows that I am looking out for her best interest. We have conversations about her life about the lives of her friends. She tells me things I would rather not know but I am honored she feels secure enough to share. I treat her as a young woman not a child because she has earned it.
I don't read her diaries or her letters. Although she lets me read many of them because she wants my input.
But... I also had no privacy with no just cause.... And I don't plan to do this to my children. BUT they do know because of discussions about their friends and other situations that have brought up talks that I am not beyond reading diaries, letters, checking in at school, going to school with them, taking away some if not all of their freedom. I have taught them that in life there are prices to pay and lessons to learn. And if you don't learn a lesson and you make a mistake you pay a price. Even as adults there are prices to pay when we do something wrong.
Instead of starting out snooping you should start out by talking. Talk talk talk!!!! Talk when they are little and keep on talking. If they know you are interested in who they are and about their lives from an early age then as they grow they are more likely to share....... And they are less likely to look else where for that listening ear..... AND be honest (at their level).. Honesty goes a long way with children... Even if they don't like what they have to hear they will trust you with the big stuff if they know you will be honest about your responses.. And I am talking silly conversations to, they don't have to be serious conversations. They need to see that you are smart and not just mom.... And the only way to see this is through enter action.. Can't say it enough. Talk....
One of the biggest complaints in my DD group of friends (15 to 17 years old) is that their parents don't care... They are too tired to care, to busy to care, too wrapped up in their own lives to notice. When they talk their parents don't listen or dismiss their concerns with out helping them work through the issues. And any input the parent tries to give falls on death ears because of the whole you haven't cared up until now why do you care now?? And many parents pull the because I say so with out explaining at the child's level.
One of DD's friends in sexually active. DD tells her she needs to get on some form of protection. The girl says, "If I tell my mom she will make me break up with ***". DD says, "if you don't tell your mom and you end up PG breaking up with *** will be the least of your issues." The lines of communication between this girl and her mother are nonexistent. She feels her mom is always judging her and that her mom's only goal is to control her (instead of educate her). Any discussion she tries to have with her mom is made small (unimportant) and mom gets short with her answers and makes the girl afraid to talk to her because of fear of upsetting her and ending up punished or banned from situations. She is really a good kid but she is going through this all on her own or she sees it like she is. The lines of communication were never instilled... Her importance, her opinions and the value of her thoughts were never established...
Talk talk talk.... And.. LISTEN!!! Start young.. Our best conversations happen over dinner... Ask about their day, ask about their likes. Talk about their dreams.. Communication and consistency are key...
And when all else fails, for the safety and well being of your child there are no limits.... But that should be your last recourse..
How do you know your kids are doing something wrong if you don't snoop? I never snooped. We always told the boys that their privacy was theirs unless they gave us good reason to violate it. And since the house belongs to us, we reserve the right to inspect any part of it without notice. But too many times when they were up to no good, it came back to bite them in the butt. Sneaking out one of them got a traffic ticket. Under age can't go to court without a parent. DS had to tell. Same one was smoking and left a cigarette in his jacket that went into the laundry and fell out as it was going into the washing machine. His room was thoroughly inspected and rid of the offending articles. Other ds was out in the nearby major city and not supposed to be since he was under age at the time. One of my friends saw him and mentioned that she'd seen him not knowing he wasn't supposed to be there.
It was the same way when I was a kid. EVERY time I did anything wrong, my mom ALWAYS knew. I'm not sure how but I kind of understand now.
I think in most cases if you keep your eyes open and you are listening then you will notice/feel when something is up and you need to look into it. I know if my dd pulls back or doesn't act like herself something is hanging over her head and I will take personal time to be with her. We might or might not talk about her issues at that time but just being with me will often get her past that funk. Often she comes to me later and explains what her issue had been and then sometimes she won't. I just go through her instead of her things to figure out what the problem is or if it is truly a problem at all. (hint, teens are full of drama so anything and everything is a potential problem to them. It is the helping them sort out and rationalize the issue that diverts the big drama clashes all parents go through.. And learning quick not to tell them that their BIG drama is minor is a good idea too.. OH and do not tell anyone what you talk with your child about (anyone that will make a comment to the child that is). You don't want grandma to say, "so I hear.." Instant loss of trust. Trust is very important to children (teens).
Bobbie, you are such a wise woman. I bet your the greatest Mom. I can learn some great lessons from you.
Melissa I agree with you, Bobby you must be a terrific mom. I hope that I can have that kind of relationship with my children. Thank you for sharing your views on this issue. I know how I felt when my mother accidently read what she thought was a letter, it was actually song lyrics, I would not wnat my child to feel that way. I think that if you pay attention to your children & their friends you should know what they are up to.
My child is barely on the phone, so no point in listening. She doesn't have time to get in trouble. The last few weeks, she has had driver's ed class 3 times a week for 2 hours, plus school, plus homework, plus marching in the Christmas parade and working at her Girl Scout brat* fry. This weekend, she is wrapping gifts at a local store for 4 hours on Saturday AND Sunday for Girl Scouts. So, I really don't feel the need to snoop through her stuff. She is totally grossed out by cigarettes, so I really don't think I would find her smoking.
Brats as in short for Bratwurst, not naughty children. (pronounced brot) (It's a Sheboygan thing!)
My rule has always been I will respect the kids' privacy as long as they EARN my respect.
On more than one occasion it was necessary to listen in on conversations, read private notes, or conduct a room search. I'm talking 4 teenagers, 2 of them very troubled at times.
I don't generally make it a practice of snooping through the kids' stuff or listening in on their calls, but in the last 20 years, it was necessary a handful of times, and my suspicions were proved out when I did.
Right Karen, but there are signs that things are going wrong. It isn't like they wake up one morning and go "hmm, today is a good day for a nose dive into the gutter" We complain about how we speak and no one listens. But our children speak and most times we don't listen. We have to get to know our children (the good and the UGLY sides of them, how they tick), the dishes will be there when they are grown. Talk about bugs with your son and Dora with your daughter. It might seem silly but you are building a foundation of communication. You are seeing how they process their thoughts and you are learning how they think. You are also teaching them how to express themselves. If you are constantly saying "mommy is busy, tired,etc" your dk's will look else where for that enteraction.. And at 5 it might be minor but at 15 that can mean things that no mother wants their child to do.... To raise a solid child you have to take time.. Even if it means the laundry isn't done that night or that cold cereal is the chefs choice for dinner.. And another thing with my dk's, I have learned that just being there is often just as important as speaking. DD had a boyfriend for a couple of months, her heart was broken when they decided not to stay together. I could have said, I knew this would happen yada yada.. Or you will survive this yada yada.. But I didn't say a word, I just crawled into bed with her and held her. She didn't need my advice she didn't need me to explain all she needed to know she was loved, there would be time for talking later... Life is a dance (as Garth Brooks put it ) and we need to learn when to lead and when to follow...
Oh, I agree there are signs. Unfortunately, *sometimes* we miss them. Guilty as charged. LOL
Back when my oldest two were teenagers, their dad was SO in denial that anything was going on. I was trying to parent the 4 of them by myself and keep a failing marriage going and work full time, plus I was having health problems. It was HARD. Therefore *I* missed some signs, though there were others I was well aware of.
So I agree that you can prevent the need to do this *some* of the time simply by being an involved parent, but I'm of the opinion that *sometimes* it's necessary.
I agree, *sometimes* it is necessary. I am not totally against it. I know a lot of kids that could use some serious adult involvement in their lives (the courts and otherwise). I am however against, sending the kids off to school and doing a daily search of their journals. A troubled child needs all the help it can get but a good child treated like a troubled child has nothing to loose if he/she is already being treated like a liar, sneak, crook... IF I found out my child was doing something that I felt I needed to step in and take control over mark my word she/he would wish to God he was never born. But I will not treat a child that is doing everything they can to do their best as if she is a criminal (just because my own issues are projecting on her). But I am the mom that would gut dk's room of everything but a mattress on the floor and a bulb in the fixture over head and they know it. I am also the mom that would show up to school in PJ's, no make up and bad breath and follow DD around school all day for a couple of days if I found out she skipped school, this she also knows.
You ever watch RoseAnn? There is an episode where Becky lies and says she is going to study and she is off with her boy friend. Rose Ann knows she has been lied too so she calls the girl she is to be studying with off and on all night. Which means Becky has to keep calling home, which ruins her night. RoseAnn could have told her straight away that she was in trouble and to come home but she played with her a bit and taught her a lesson.. This is so me.... I am not beyond anything. But I am also not going to treat them suspect for no apparent reason...
If I felt like I needed to, I would. I would put up a movement activated secret video camera if I thought I needed to.
I went with my friend to Radio Shack bec she wanted to buy a device to secretly record phone conversations of an out of control neice. The sales guy said they sell a lot of these things to parents.
I'm in TX where it's legal if one party knows about it.
I would if I felt the need as well.
Actually, I did listen in a couple of months ago to my 12 yo ds and a girl that kept calling him constantly after 9pm. I was wondering why she called so much and what the attraction was... She was a potty mouth little girl, and she was reading from a not very nice magazine to my ds (i think it was her older brother's mag or something)... Anyway, I heard some stuff that I thought was inappropriate and I confronted my ds when he got off the phone. I explained to him that he should probably have pity on this girl and try to encourage her to be the best she can be. I did not tell him he could not be friends with her. I told him he may be the one positive thing in her life--the person that could encourage her to attend church, etc... He agreed that God may have put her in his life for this reason. She didnt like my ds after he began confronting her behaviors and disagreeing with her... I am so glad my ds isnt being influenced by her anymore (to be honest). She moved on to someone else I guess. No more calls from her. And my ds was never upset with me he acted glad to talk with me about it. I dont think he knew how to handle her overbearing him. I dont think he wanted to hurt her feelings.
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