How old is too old to have a baby?
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): How old is too old to have a baby?
The 57 yo SINGLE mom who just had twins is bad enough. Now, I read that a 59 yo woman is also pregnant with twins! Good grief! I don't get it. I'm 44 and don't want anymore babies. I'll just be content to wait for grandchildren, when the time is right.
With the 57yo, she will be 71 when her kids enter high school! I can't imagine being almost 30 years older and dealing with teenagers!
59yo woman pregnant with twins
Is it really never too late to have a new baby?
When DH and I got married, I already had my 2 DDs from a previous marriage. We decided to wait a while (2 years or so) to add another baby to the family. Well, those 2 years came and went and now we are at almost 7 years later and we still don't have a third child. Now DH is telling me that I'm too old. I couldn't imagine having a baby at 57.
I can't imagine, either!! Especially since everything I read says fertility takes such a sharp decrease as soon as you hit 40 (4 years away for me).
But, on the other hand, for those of us who are TTC, it's kind of reassuring, especially since I always thought 3 kids would be nice. Though I seriously can't even picture myself being able to at that age.
Must admit, too - that 57 yo woman really does not look 57. She looks like a younger Paula Abdul.
I had my last dd at 39. But that's it. She's the icing on the cake.
Happy to say my last mudd pie was at 32, and that was a stretch. I was much better physically at 20 when I had my first, but much better emotionally at 32 when I had my last. I think that the wear on me at 32 was enough, I can't imagine doing the whole pregnancy, then up all night for months on end with twins no less at 57. NO WAY! And I hope that God allows me to live to see my grandkids and maybe even some great grands before I go to the happy hunting ground. I personally dont think that it is fair to kids to have that old of parents w/ the increased chance of birth defects and the increased chance of them dying before their parenting duties are done. Just because you can doesnt always mean you should.
I think it's a bad idea for a woman of that age to have a child. I know she has the means to support a child, but what about the physical aspects. That mother will be 60 when her children are toddlers. 80 when they graduate college. That's nuts, she may not even live long enough to see her children become parents.
Ultimately I think it is very, very selfish. Poor kids 
Well, I think as long as the parent is in good physical condition (key word) and has the finances to support the child, then go for it, especially if the parents have not been able to concieve in their lifetime. I mean we have the wonderful experience of being a parent, why shouldn't everyone else, no matter their age.
Since my grandmother is nearing 60 I can say that I do not think that she would be able to have the FULL responsibilty of being a parent. Also I have to say that my DH was concieved when his mother was 34, and she also would not be able to handle the responsibility, at her age now.
Though both are good women, I cannot leave my dks with them for more than a day without them being totally wiped out. And almost everytime we go see his parents they say, "God knew what he was doing when he gave babies to young people" I always laugh.
Basically, the physical condition of the parent is what makes a world of difference, IMO.
Who knows? None of us knows if we'll be here to watch our children get married, have kids, etc. I guess it's a matter of perspective. But it reminds me of a quote I love:
A woman should never have a child after 35....
35 children are enough! 
I was 29 with my first one and 32 with the second one. That was old enough. Even now, I wouldn't want the rigors of infants and toddlers on a full-time basis!
I also do think it's a bit selfish, too, since they will be older when other parents are a lot younger. At times, when my kids were growing up, I have been the "older" parent, even though I wasn't THAT old when I had mine.
A co-worker of mine is 10 years younger than me, but we have daughters about the same age. Her daughter was born 12/88 and mine was born 8/89. So, her daughter is older than mine, too! LOL!
YOu have to think about the fact that at 50 and 60 a person can be relatively young for that age physically and such adn may be in good health, but the aging process speeds up very quickly at a certaqin point and so a person can be in good shape and healthy at 60 but after 70 it can go down hill very quickly. I had my kids young and am glad for it. I look forward to enjoying many things including grand children. I say the cut off age depends on the person but defenitely nothing after 40 imo and I would suggest about 35 to not have anymore, but then people do and never regret it at all and everything works out, but that is what I think.
I know for sure one of them didn't know she could get pregnant. I think she had her tubes tied or something and they re-connected. It happened to my best friend. The last two of six kids were after her tubes were tied. Anyway, I hope no one is suggesting in that case her pregnancy should be terminated? I would have a hard time with that if it was me. Couldn't do it. Don't know that I would raise the baby, but I would have to have it.
No, I never thought the pregnancies should be terminated. I just think they shouldn't have happened in the first place, but you never know!
I agree totally it shouldn't be, but unfortunately if you think you are ok because you have taken BC measures and it happens of itself, then, well, what to do? For me, I couldn't imagine being in my late 30's or in my 40's having a child. For some people this is what they decide is better. But MAN I can't keep up with my kids NOW!
I think that the woman that had in-vitro to get pregnant was a little selfish, but the woman that got pregnant that had her tubes tied...how is that selfish?
After reading the story it kind of sounded like the woman that had the in-vitro was just showing that any age can get pregnant, (not very cool, IMO) you should not have a baby just to prove a point, but the other woman is sincerely shocked that she even ended up pregnant. I hope the 59 year old pulls through her pregnancy alright, it just seems like it would be hard on someone that old (not that that is *old*, just old to have a baby ). I will definately be praying for both of these mothers, they sure will need it, I know I do and I am only 22.
It makes me tired just thinking about it. I'm 41 with a 10-year-old and I can't imagine going though all that again at this stage of my life. And I'm in great shape!
My next door neighbor had her boys at 39 and 41 and both have issues. The younger one is developmentally delayed and they both have learning disabilities and ADHD. My other neighbor, a physician assistant, said, "Well look at how old her eggs are! It's no surprise her kids have problems!" And the older mom has a *tough* time keeping up with them.
I have no problems with what other people decide to do with their eggs and ability to procreate, I'm just glad it's not me.
It wasn't her choice to become pregnant. I am happy she decided not to abort the babies. She has a huge support system. God bless them!
As far as how old is too old ... That's a question a woman can only answer for herself. If she's in good shape physically, emotionally and financially, then why not? Women are waiting until they are secure in their careers. I think the next trend will be mommies that are ready to retire ... .
Ame
I can't imagine having a baby now at age 49, much less 10 years from now. Of course, I couldn't, having had a hysterectomy, but if I could, I wouldn't want to.
I was 28 and 29 when I had my kids. Most of my friends from high school had kids AT LEAST 5 or 6 years old at the time, if not older. In the circle of friends I had, I was one of the last ones having kids. My sister had my nephew when she was 35. He will be her only child.
When I keep Madison for a weekend, it literally wears me out, physically and mentally. I love her to death and love the time I spend with her, but I honestly don't have the physical and mental stamina to raise a young child. Jules had asked me if something happened to her, if I would raise Madison. And of course, I'm sure I would, though I don't know how I'd do it. God willing, we'll never be faced with that.
I have to agree though, the woman who had in vitro is selfish. Chances are very good she won't be in great health when those kids are teenagers when they need her the most. And I honestly have to say, I can't imagine *why* she'd want to have kids at her age.
Well if it is a *whoops* for that one mom, wow, she should go buy a lottery ticket while she is at it. And no of course she shouldnt abort her babies. You have to seriously think it is a gift from God at 57 or 59 cause that is the closest to a miracle I have heard of in a while, unless you look at the grilled cheese w/ mary in it on ebay
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=19270&item=5534052474&rd=1
There is already a thread on the above auction on the general board.
Yeah, I guess the one woman was an "oops", but the other woman spent $25,000 to get pregnant! It's just ridiculous!
At 46, I cannot imagine *trying* to get pregnant! I had my last child at age 32, and I definitely noticed a difference in my energy level (of course, maybe that's because I already had kids waiting for me at home )
Here I am currently 42 and 7months pregnant. My first was born when I was 36. That was an easy pregnancy and I was right up there with the young moms doing the mommy things around town. I felt no different, except that DH and I were settled in our finances compared to the young moms. We saw a great life ahead for DD as our only child.
This time? Well, I am exhausted! I am not joyful each day. (happy and excited to be having a child, but my daily joys are missing). I do not walk around with a smile on my face. I do not look forward to getting dressed and having to *DO* something, as simple as shopping. This is a TOUGH pregnancy even though there are no complications. And most surprisingly, I was at my best physical shape that I had ever been in before this pregancy. I was working out 6 days a week and had a huge amount of energy and felt great about my body and its tone/shape and stamina. All of this I had never experienced until that year prior to pregnancy. I expected another easy pregnancy. I was wrong. I can only guess that age is a main cause of this.
Do I worry about the "what happens next" as the child comes into this world and gets older? Absolutely! Do I wonder if I will be able to offer him the same exciting baby and toddlerhood that DD got to experience? Often! Do I wonder what or where DH and I will be as either of our children age and enter adulthood. Well, of course. But then I look around. There are no guarentees for any aged parent. I run into other pregnant moms my age with all the same thoughts and feelings. And then I meet other moms with teenagers who had those children in their 40's. I meet children of older parents. I thank God for those encounters. They let me know that everything will be fine. Their life was good if not wonderful (parent or child telling me). I am told all the good things that you need to know can happen. As it is written, there is a time and a season for everything. God does not make mistakes. He gave us this late in life child and it is not mine to second guess the outcome. I just have to have faith.
I also plan to either get tubes tied or DH w/ the "V" operation as soon as possible. I am certain my body will never survive another pregancy at any later age.
Besides my own experience, I do think it is crazy for that 57 year old to purposefully get pregnant. It seems there would be better options for her if she wanted to be a parent.
Dana, I totally respect your decision to wait until you were settled and older. *I* couldn't do it! I am sorry that you are having such a hard time this time! I hope that after the baby comes your energy levels go back to normal! It sounds like you are in GREAT shape! Hang in there!
The 57-year old had been trying for years! Who are we to judge how "selfish" or "crazy" she is? The interesting thing about this post is that everyone who has expressed a negative opinion of this woman, has had her child or children already.
Dana - my mom had me when she was 40. I didn't miss a thing ...
Ame
I still think that 57 is still WAY TOO OLD. She had to get donated eggs, donated sperm and spend a whole bunch of $ to have this done. From the article it sounds more like a science experiement than a joyous event. And both of those donors at any time can assert their parental rights. Now those of you in your 40's that are having babies on this board. I would never say that you are too old, that is something that you need to decide for yourself. Our finances were much better in my 30's than in my 20's and that goes for my patience and parenting skills too. Personally 36 was plenty old for me and I called it quits.
I think if you are physically, mentally and financially able to care for the child then it's fine. Dh's parents tried to have children for years and ended up adopting one at 40 and dh at 45. They are both now in their upper 70's. Dh's father goes out and snowblows every house in the neighborhood after a snowstorm, chops his own wood, has a vegetable garden, mows 3 acres, etc. etc.
I think adopting at that age is a different story, but I also think you should adopt an older child if possible. She'd have to live to be a VERY old woman in order to see what most parents experience as their kids become adults. This woman had 2 babies that were not her's genetically, no different than adopting 2 children. Why feel the need to carry them, why not at LEAST have a surrogate? I think she did it for the headlines. And I had my twins at 19... not an easy age to have two babies, but much better than 56 IMO. Also, my parents have a 5 year old "accident" baby. My mom was 35 and had a VERY difficult pregnancy with him, so I think it *can* put a lot of undue stress on mom and baby.
Personally I couldn't imagine having a child that late in life. I enjoy having the energy to chase dd around and to sing and dance like a fool with her. But I don't really think that I can judge this woman's decision to have a baby at 57. Perhaps she reached this point in her life and felt like something was missing? True she could end up in poor health in 10 years but so could any of us. Anyone could pass before seeing their child graduate or before they see their grandchildren. As long as you are a loving parent and you can take care of your children (even if that means that she needs to hire a nanny to help her out), it shouldn't matter how old you are.
At 44, though, I don't think I had the same energy that I had when I did have my kids (29 and 32). I think it would be hard to take care of infant twins now, let alone 13 years from now! When I'm 57, maybe there will be grandchildren for me to enjoy, but they get to go home!
That 57 year old was having a ball having her babies. She is so happy no one can bust her bubble. God bless her.
15 year olds can get pregnant at a drop of a hat. When you finally have two nickels to rub together your eggs are too old!
I think that it is interesting to say the least. I think in general second pregancies are more tiring than first pregnancies, because you already have more on your plate, not so much age. To each their own. Look at teachers, some of the best kindergarten teachers are those that are in their 50's, the have the patience to deal with the kids and love them, the younger teachers are hit and miss. I cannot imagine always wanting a child and never having one and then having the means to do so and turning it down. There are no guarantees in life, my mom died at 52, but she became seriously handicapped at age 35. I am sure if she could look at this on paper before hand and say, okay well when my oldest is only in 6th grade I will not be able to drive, my husband will have to work three jobs to keep food on the table and my 4th grade daughter will be in charge of all meals and laundry, that she would have felt "selfish" for having a baby. But boy am I glad she did. You never know you cards and sometimes you just have to really pray about what is in front of you and what choices you have to make. I don't feel like this lady or her doctor didn't think through all of this before the process. As for the older lady...woo hoo...How amazing can God be?
There are lots of grandparents parenting their grandchildren these days, so this isn't that different. Granted they didn't give birth to those kids, but then again, I didn't give birth to most of mine, either.
If she can do it, good for her! I once worked with the young kids of a pediatrician. She had teenagers, and then 2 more kids when in her 40's. She said that things were so much different that time around, because she finally realized that it was ok to just sit and enjoy her young ones. Her life was too busy with the first two.
I'm 40, and I could do it again in a heartbeat. At this point in time, I can't imagine not feeling that way, although I know one day I'll change. I don't think that'll be until I'm holding a grandchild, though.
The bottom line is, we're all different, and we all do what we feel is best for us and our families.
No more babies for me. I'm just holding out for grandchildren! Since my kids are only 12 and 15, I have a long ways to wait yet!
I was 36 when I had my DD, last child. I think I have a lot more patience and time to spend with her. I do have 2 other DS's, now 18 and 10. 18 years ago when I had my first everything seemed so rushed and not always having alot of time with him. 10 years ago things seem to be more relaxed with DS. Now I am really enjoying my kids especially sitting down and playing girl things with Alissa.
IMO its a personal decision when to stop having children. I know right now at almost 41 I would not want to be starting a family.
Here is a link to an opinion piece in today's Philadelphia Inquirer by Arthur Caplan, head of the Department of Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania. He raises several good points, generally saying that he thinks this is not a good idea.
http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/10211247.htm
I had already read that one. This one was in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel the other day.
A New Parent at 57? No thanks
This one is why I wouldn't want to be an older parent!
Th Op Ed Piece from the Philly paper scared me a little. If we vigorously defend a woman's right to end a pregnancy, why can't we also defend that right to begin a pregnancy at whatever age, using the best that science has to offer?
I didn't like his line about reproductive laws. We don't have them here, and should not have them here.
I am surprised she found someone to help her.
I thought they stopped helping at 50 years old.
I have my first baby at like 36. It has really been easy and not a drain at all. The pregnany complication free.
I have more patience, focus and directed energy now. Pure joy and I would recommend it to anyone who has not had a child to go for it. (Don't know what like having more than one is though.) So I won't comment on that.
Lack of energy? My 45 year old friend and I have been walking the entire board walk in a hour an a half every day this week. Plus doing a million errands. And taking our kids to the playground and thanksgiving crafts at the libraries every day this week. Doesn't look like lack of energy to me...
I some ways I have more energy than when I was 20.
Of course I do put ds in a terrific nursery school where he is learning up a storm. So I guess that is my big help.
Just met a woman who was about 56 who adopted from Russian and Guatamolia two special need girls. (Tiny threes)
She hires a woman to help her during the day and they are both a blessing to the little girls. She was running than or to gymastics last time I saw her (after being in the park for a hour)
Totally sarcastic here:
Perhaps anyone who has MS or is overweight or has low energy or has any imperfection in their finances, health, character or energy shouldn't have babies? Anyone signing up as the perfect human being? God bless you. May you never know old age or a cold and enjoy your skinny thighs.
Thank goodness there are no laws like this.
I would be more worried about an alcoholic parent than one alittle older. Gosh what do you think happens at 40? It isn't that tramatic.
Well, I'll tell you what happened to me at 40.
1) Memory problems.
2) Thinking problems. In particular, my auto-pilot retired without my permission. I now can't think about something else when I'm doing something automatic, like driving to work. I have to actually pay attention. My ability to spell is gone, too.
3) Vision problems. "over 40 eyes"
4) Fatique. Can't go, go, go like I used to. It's tough. I just want to sit sometimes and I've never been someone who sits around.
5) My first experiences with PMS type issues. Mood swings. Irritable.
6) Gum problems.
7) Hair falling out.
8) Very dry skin.
9) IBS
10) and a few other peri-menopause things I can't remember bec I can't remember bec of peri-menopause.
But, all is not lost. I'm still thin and mostly healthy (except for the peri). I practice no high risk behaviors. But, I absolutely feel "older" and it hit me quite suddenly. It was shocking. I went to the doctor and told her I had a brain tumor. But, no. It's getting older and heading to The Change.
The one thing about this voluntary older mom that I wonder about is parenthood is one of those things that people try to tell you how it will be, but once you have kids you realize it's much much ...more. It's like when moms tell you, "Delivery hurts." *Hurts* doesn't quite express the feeling I felt during my son's delivery. Having my body slowly ripped in two is a bit closer to my truth on delivery.
I think most people underestimate what's involved in being a parent. I hope this older mom talked to other new moms in their 50s and heard from them that it's great and wonderful and they are glad they went through with it.
I am only 33 I have 9 of the 10 things mommmie listed! I don't think it is age as much as it is the stage in your life. Having young children takes a toll on you. I think once they get in school for a few years and they take care of themselves a bit you get a little bit of you back.
We all underestimate what it takes to be a parent. But we have 15 and 16 year olds making that choice too. Any given day I would grant this to a 56 year old over a 16 year old.
Also even the doc said he would not reccomend this to many. This lady happens to be in great condition, mentally and phyically. I dont' think he did this to get in the news, I think he felt it was right and okay.
And who knows maybe she can find a strapping young boy to marry and then the child will have a younger parent too!
My feeling is that if you are healthy and in your 40's, having a child is perfectly OK.
However, if you are feel like *I* do - many of the things Mommmie posted, another pregnancy would be a bad choice. I personally have health issues that would affect another pregnancy and affect my ability to raise a child at my age.
But if you are healthy and active I see nothing wrong with it. However, when you are in your 50's, my feeling is that your energy levels and patience will dwindle and it would be unfair to a young child.
I guess in the end, it boils down to your physical and mental health and conditions. Each situation is unique. While I still feel that someone having a child in their mid to late 50's is a bad idea simply because of the age factor, who's to say that those parents won't do a better job than an inexperienced, less focused younger person?
ROFLMAO! I'm 22 and have a few of the 10 problems. Not so much the prei-menopausal things, but my memory is not as good, I'm tired all the time, and my vision and gums suck. I figured that was all just the stress of having young kids. Maybe it's pre-mature aging... I guess I'm in trouble!!
Most of the time older parents get help if they are tired.
They hire a nanny (Actually the moms around her do this even if they are 30) New Yorkers are so werid.... Or they find a nice preschool or day care for part of the day.
A person I met once let her mother raise her child. (No drugs - just not married... ) Or a granparent raises the child for what ever reason. This is really very common....
I have a problem in general with grandparents raising their children's kids. This is a touchy subject for me. I'm not talking about doing it in extenuating circumstances, but those situations where someone has a child, decides they are tired of the responsibility, continue to screw up their lives, whatever. And I realize, that if the grandparents didn't step in, some of these kids would end up in foster care, so it's really a double edged sword.
I have an aunt who is now 80 y/o, who ended up raising my cousin's 2 girls, did a lousy job - partially due to the fact that she was 60 when the first one was born. Now that oldest child - now 21 - has 2 kids of her own that my aunt is pretty much raising, the oldest one is 3, the other one is about 6 months. She is MUCH too old to do this, but she won't say *NO*, because she knows what will happen to them if she doesn't step in. But it is literally killing her.
I was actually going to try to adopt the girl who is now 21, before her sister was born, when my cousin was on the verge of losing her to the State. She was around 3 or 4 at the time and my X wouldn't go for it. I guess everything happens for a reason, it would have been a lousy situation since he left a few years later. But what *did* happen was my aunt took over the responsibility, leaving my cousin free to go out and get pregnant again, have another child she wasn't going to raise, etc. And now my aunt is raising my cousin's grandchildren - her GREAT-grandchildren, and she is just too old to be doing this.
I know I've gotten off topic here, but when you have kids, YOU should raise them. I realize there are situations where either of those options are a good choice or maybe the only choice, but too many people have kids and expect that someone else will do their job for them. If YOU don't want to raise them, don't have them. A child deserves that much, at least.....
That's what bugged me so much about the mom in the The Nanny Diaries. The mom barely wanted anything to do with the kid and all her kid wanted to do was to spend time with mom. She was way too busy with all this other stuff and thought child care was beneath her!
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/01/04/pregnant.hoax.ap/index.html
That is horrible, I have to wonder if she had a miscarriage and doesn't want to publicly expose it. It just seems so odd that someone would "fake a pregnancy", but I guess it happens all the time. Thanks Colette for posting this, I would have never known, I do not keep up with the news like I should.
Queen Mary of England ("Bloody Mary", so called because of her persecution of protestants in England, daughter of Henry VIII and older sister of Elizabeth I) had several false pregnancies. She was married to a Spanish (Catholic) prince and wanted desperately to produced a male Catholic heir for the English throne, and I have read of at least 4 recorded false pregnances, two of which continued past nine months until even her unconscious mind had to face the truth.
I would say this is a woman who, for probably very sad reasons, wants attention and could not think of a more socially acceptable way to get it. But on the other hand, she didn't shoot anyone or do any real harm, so I guess to some extent she found a socially acceptable way to get attention.
First of all I would like to say congratulations to all who are expecting. I am currently 30 years old, I delivered my second and (the plan is)last child December 03. I was 29 when I delivered my son. Mother always said that each pregnancy is different and that is so very true. I had my fist a daughter when i was 21 years old and I can honestly tell you that there just wasn't a difference of 8 years amongst my children , but atht my body was 8 years older. I had developed conditions (torn ligaments in my knees, asthma, poor circulation in my legs, etc.)that I didnt' have when i was carryign my daughter, and it seemed that carrying my son took its tool on everythign that was ailing me. I couldn't stnad for long periods with out losing my balence or falling, I had shortaes of breath form doing simple things like just moving on the couch to find a comfortable seatign position. Allright enough about me my point is I dont' believe its so much as age but your physical ability also. And I read someone say that babies are a gift form God and that is very true not just a blessign but a gift and if your are blessed with the gift of life and thats is what you want , then I take my hat off to you becaue having a child for anywomen is a lot not just durign pregnancy but after also, we worry aobut the feevers, the earinfections, the colds, falling , I think you get the picture. As far as women shouldn't have kids late in age becaue they may not be around to see them grown. Althought I am young thats something that I thought about when I had my daughter as well as my son not because of age but because of the worlsd we live in. I'm an olny child my mother passed about 5 years ago and although I was grown , it wasn't any less of a schock or hurt, but I didnt' have anyone to share that wiht, the same as today I have no on eto share the memories of my mother with. My Daughter she was only 4 ahen my mother passed and didnt' knwo her as long as I did so I can't share with her remember when I was 5 and mom something. So although I will be 47 when my son graduates from high school, I pray to God that I am around to see him walk across the stage, but I'm grateful and content with the fact that if I'm not he will have his sister to share it with. He will have his sis ter to remember with.
I was 32 when I had my third child, and it definitely took more out of me. The difference, however, is that now that 2 of the kids are away at college, I find myself having a freer, easier (though poorer) time at home with the 14 year old 'baby'.
Yes, I'll be 50 (God willing) when she graduates from high school, but I will have given her no less, and perhaps more.
I was 29 with one and 32 with the second one. Old enough, I'd say. At almost 45, no more for me!
I heard on the news today that a 66 year old woman just gave birth after going through menopause.
I do not have any more info than that since I was in the car. I was listening to the Fox News Channel.
I DO think 66 is too old.
I saw it yesterday on the news, just insane.
Yikes!
I will be 43 this summer and have two sons aged 7 and 6. I always wanted a third child but my husband didn't. Suddenly in the last couple of weeks he told me he feels ready for an other child. I thought I would jump at it! However I keep going round and round in my mind calculating how old I will be when this baby (assuming that we would conceive quickly like we did before) will finish high school/ university etc. I just wondered if it is fair to have an other child and how it will impact us when we are older. Should I not just be content with what I have got. I would love to hear your comments.
I think it is a personal choice, but if you and your husband both want a third child then I think you should have one. I do not think 43 is to old.(actually I don't think 43 is old at all and that's probably because my 39th is approaching in a few months.)
Lia, I think definitely this is a personal choice, and one for which you should also consult your doctor.
For me, the question would not be whether you will be too old when your child is in his/her teens or entering university, but whether right now you want to deal with an infant, toddler, terrible twos, pre-school and all that leads to having grown up children. Given that your present children are as young as they are, that might be just fine. But, when they are heading off to university, the third child will be only 11 or 12 and still a dependant child (in terms of needing parental presence and raising) for another 6 to 8 years.
Now, my oldest was born in 1961, and the next two in 1966 and 1967, not too far off the age differential you are thinking about. In essence, until the third was born, both the first and second were "only" children, in terms of how I treated them and how much time I was able to spend with each as a baby and toddler. I think any third child you have would be an "only child" in those terms, and would definitely be "the baby" for a long, long time. And would have two older brothers who are enough older to likely be amenable to acting as older brothers, providing some of the physical play and interaction a child needs when you feel too tired or not "young" enough to do that.
I don't think the question of fairness to the child is a legitimate question. I am 66, and my 37 year old youngest son (who moved back 2 years ago) says I don't seem old. Well, when I look in the mirror early in the morning or late at night, or undertake a lot of physical work, I know I am no longer young and am getting past middle-age. But I know lots of women my age who exercise and take good care of themselves who are a lot "younger" than I.
Certainly it would make a difference in when you and your husband are able to make plans for trips, vacations, impulse events, without thinking about a child or children at home. I know my parents began doing a lot of traveling, for long weekends and for vacations, after both my brother and I married and left home. My parents were then in their late 40s and early 50s, and able to get a lot of enjoyment out of their travels. Had they had to wait until their 60s, but that time my dad was starting to have physical problems that would have made such trips less pleasurable. And it will make a financial difference, but you know that.
That you are not jumping at it says to me that you yourself may not, at this time in your life, want to undertake another baby. I think the question is not whether it would be fair to the child, but whether it would be fair to you. (And if it were me, I'd be wondering why your husband has changed his mind now, when I imagine you were talking "third child" 4 or 5 years ago. That could be an interesting conversation.)
My Grandmother was a little older than you when she had my uncle, he is 6 years older than I am. She had gone through her change of life & was expecting to hear that she was very ill, not that she was pregnant. My Grandfather passed out in the doctors office. I think that she enjoyed having my uncle when she did. He was certainly spoiled, but turned out good & I don't think he would have wanted younger parents.
It is a personal choice, but it can be done. Good luck!
I'm 45. My kids are 15 and 13. It's not a choice I would undertake, at this stage in my life. Your kids are younger, though, so it wouldn't be as much of a shock!
I had a 2yo relative at my house, this past weekend. I was flying across my kitchen, and almost knocked him over. I'm not used to having short people in my house anymore, or to being careful around small people! (I do have a dog, but if we are bustling in the kitchen, she usually retreats to her crate, so she isn't underfoot!)
I went back to the original post and read the entire thread (which I couldn't resist) and I agree with MissMudd (Kristin) that just because you can bear children at the age of 57 doesn't mean it's the best thing to do.
And I also look at the other hand, Ame, as the second article at the top says (I couldn't get the first one) that we don't have the right to challenge the decisions of another person. However, we do have the right to debate them amongst ourselves. I doubt anyone, at least here anyway, is suggesting making it law that any woman over any particular age shouldn't have the right to decide when to bear children.
And I agree with Candis that the physical health is of great importance when making such a decision. And given how much longer people are expected to live these days, it isn't unrealistic to think that someone in their 40's and 50's can put out as much as someone in their 20's or 30's if they have taken good care of their health. But in that case, the "old mom" is a Hollywood celebrity, so she will have no problem handling twin babies at her age- she'll get a nanny so that she can continue her career BUT when she is seen out n about in public she'll probably dispose of the nanny so that she can be seen as the perfect career mom with her twin trophies as Hollywood moms so often do. (Sorry for the sarcasm- That's another debate)
I am confused that Ginny read the op-ed piece by Dr. Arthur Caplan and said that he raised some good points. But in your last post I understand that your opinion is that it isn't about being fair to the baby, it's all about you (the prospective older mom). If I read you right, then to say that it is all about what is fair to Lia, to me, sounds incredibly selfish. In the process of making the decision to have children at an older age, all of the consequences should be examined, including the potential impact of the age of the parent(s) on the quality of life of the child(ren).
Dr. Caplan said that it is not a good idea because "If you talk to children of older parents, most will tell you that they worried quite a bit about whether their parents would live to see them graduate from high school. Others will tell you that as much as they loved their parents they missed having someone who could do all the physically demanding things that younger parents can do."
Is it fair to deliberately place a human being in a type of situation where the child may live most of his/her life in fear and anxiety over the health of their parent(s) or where he/she may feel slighted b/c mom or dad is too old, sick, or tired to volunteer on the PTO or go to the football game? IMO- No.
Throughout the entire debate about the 57 year old who got herself impregnated with someone else's sperm and egg, no one mentioned that she was single. Regardless of her age, the fact that she deliberately brought those babies into the world without a father is also abhorrent.
Lia, I don't personally think that 43 is too old to have kids if you have taken care of your health, are physically fit, and up for it. However, it isn't fair for your dh to change his mind and expect you to be up for a third child. If you can't agree on a third child, it isn't meant to be. You don't want to purposefully bring a child into this world who isn't wanted and loved by both parents. That wouldn't be fair to the child or to you.
Lisa, I went back and read Dr. Cohen's op-ed piece, and I still think he makes some good points. And, I do think there is a difference between women in their 50s going out for in vitro or donor sperm conception, and a woman in her 40s deciding, with her husband, to have another child. Unlike Dr. Cohen, I do make some judgements about the women who were the original topic of this thread, and I think they did this (got themselves pregnant by complicated medical procedures) not because they simply couldn't bear to live their lives without having a child, but because they "could" and wanted the publicity and the rareness of it.
I'm not sure I can express in writing what I am feeling. But, I think some people (no matter their age) have a child because they want MY child, to own, to mold, to be their possession, to gain the attention and praise of those around them and (for the women who were the original focus of the thread) to gain world attention. And there are people who have a child because it seems the natural outgrowth of their affection for their partner, or because they want my CHILD, a new being to bring into the world, to nurture, raise, and to love and cherish. I don't think I've expressed it well, but I think it is the difference between having a child for the sake of the mother/parent, and having a child for the sake of the child. And though I can't find the right words, to me there is a significant qualititative difference in the motivations.
And I do think there is a major difference between a couple deciding, in their mid 40s, to have ANOTHER child (because they already know what it is to be parents and all that is involved), and a single woman in her 50s to have her first child without a participating (at conception and in raising the child) spouse.
While I was a single parent for much of my sons' lives, I think, based on the evidence of where my sons are in their lives and what they say to me, that I did a good job. But, knowing what I know about child-raising, it is NOT something I would have gone into voluntarily from the get-go unless I had a large support system in place to help raise the child/ren.
But I think at bottom, for me it comes down to my personal perception of the motivation of the person or couple making the decision.
And, at bottom, I would not want to see reproductive laws saying that after a certain age you are not allowed to get pregnant even if you medically/physically can.
Thank-you Ginny! You did a wonderful job putting your feelings into words!
I appreciate that since you were a single mom yourself, you know how difficult it can be and you may wonder why someone would want to intentionally enter into that situation.
And I understand that there is a difference in the motivations people have for deciding to have children. On the one hand, it could be because you want it for yourself, and on the other hand, it could be because you want to bless the world with another human being.
Again, it is a personal choice that every woman has the right to make. I just wonder, when one is making the decision, which hand deserves the most merit? When one is weighing the decision, which of the two would you place the most emphasis on?
For me, wanting a child for selfish reasons would shortchange the child. By definition, becoming a parent requires self sacrifice in most areas of life, something a selfish person finds very difficult. Therefore, I place more significance on the sake of the child.
But to be honest, for the most part, we all become parents for selfish reasons. We want a child. We want to be a parent or even We want to bless the world with another child. We are still making decisions based on our wants/needs/desires.
We certainly know/learn that we give up ourselves and must make sacrifices once we are parents, but that initial decision to become one is fundamentally selfish.
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your reactions to my mail! I will keep thinking about it for another couple of weeks as it is not clear in mind yet what I want to do (I would have known if I were younger) by the way I am in the fortunate circumstance not to have to work which makes a difference.
Just a question; As I am new to this site, can anybody fill me in about this so colled op-ed piece from Dr Cohen. Where can I find it??
Thanks very much.
http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/10211247.htm
This is the link. Simply copy it and paste it into your browser. I will warn you, I subscribe to the Inquirer but this is an older piece and sometimes they limit access to them. They will ask you to register, but I have never had any problems with advertising or spam coming from my registration. If you can't access the piece, you can email me at klipvm at rcn.com (we separate out our email addresses so that spammers who skim for email addresses won't pick them up) and I will try to copy it and email it to you.
Ginny, I would love to receive a copy of this piece from you. Thanks, Lia
Lia, email me at klipvm at rcn.com (put it together with the @ symbol), and I will try to cut and paste in a reply email.
|
Members
