Growing up too fast
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Growing up too fast
I often hear parents lamenting that "children these days seem to grow up so fast" blaming it on Brittany Spears, fasion designers, movies...but what about the subtle things we as parents allow that we weren't allowed to when we were growing up?? Such as dances with dates in middle school, highlights/manicures ect on 3rd graders (or younger), watching higher rated movies, staying up/out late, cell phones cause they aren't with their parents, tvs in their rooms.........how much, if any does those kinds of things contribute to growing up too fast? If they don't, then what is causing our kids to grow up so fast?
I agree wholeheartedly with you - we, as parents, are the ones responsible for our children. Just yesterday, my 13 yr old dd was bemoaning the fact that *everybody* but her had a cell phone, *everybody* saw 'R' rated movies, and *everybody* got highlights, etc. I said "Well, *you* don't, so obviously, *everybody* doesn't." 
I think too many parents seem afraid of their children...afraid that they won't love them, etc.
Maybe it's just that I'm old-fashioned - but the decisions my parents made with me seemed to have worked out okay.
I think it's horrible how kids skip childhood these days. They go to daycare and preschool and thus their formal education starts way too early and their innocent, carefree years are non existent. The toys and movies are more grown up, yet marketed to kids. The clothes are horrendous unless you're under a year old. I think much of it is parental peer pressure. Parents feel everyone else's kid goes to daycare and the mom works, so they should do, especially so they can keep up with the Joneses. Everyone else's kid goes to preschool, so mine better too lest he learn his ABCs six months later than the other kids, and of course so that he won't be ruined educationally for life and not get into Harvard. Parents want to be seen as 'cool' and 'with it' and as their kids' 'friend' so they give in and let them do whatever. Childhood is SO short, and to shorten it even more by letting kids be mini teens or adults is just sad, IMO. To me, kids who look like teens are to be pitied. I always assume (and probably erroneously at times) that they have parents who are way too lenient and just give in to make their kid quiet, rather than do the proper, hard thing and say no.
Staying up late once in a while on a weekend to snuggle as a family and watch a movie or read books is great. Staying up late every night as their normal bedtime is ridiculous. Playing beauty parlor and dressing up in mom's make up and heels is fine, doing it for real is ridiculous. The make up, the ear piercing, the inappropriate clothing, the dating....if they do all that when they're not even ten years old, what on earth is there to look forward to later on??? Those things are exciting priviledges that should come with age. The magic age always seemed to be sixteen, but nowadays it's often SIX!
This is a hot topic with me as I'm so tired of seeing my daughter's friends look like mini teens. I've noticed their moms usually look the same way. Ridiculous....one is WAY too young to be looking that way, and the other is WAY too old. Moms need to be good old moms and kids need to be kids. Do I wish I was born in the days of June Cleaver? I sure do!
Ditto everyone. My ds's are far from what I call being "spoiled". They know why they don't get this and that too. They appreciate everything they do get. I always wonder how families can afford to spend that kind of money on their children. What about education, family outings, recreation. Money only can stretch so far. Is it a need to have their children be "popular" or do they feel they need to keep up with the Jones's? I would like my ds's to be popular but not for what "they have" reasons. I don't know. In one sense it's none of my business but in another I truly believe this is affecting the children who don't get everything in a negative way. I am not a follower, I am a leader. I do what I believe is best for my ds's and it must be working because we get so many compliments about our ds's. Well rounded individuals.
I feel like this may have been started somewhat for my question about my dd's hair at such a young age. My daughter is spoiled when it comes to clothes, i will admit that. but the way i see it is that there are some girls her age that have a hundred barbie dolls or a ton of video games. If you went in my dd's room she has 3 video games, no dolls, one craft box and not much else. She likes clothes, always has before she even started school. I do think she is very mature for her age and i really can't blame anything for that because she has never shown interest in the things that we normally try to keep our kids from, violent tv, games, ect... I think alot of her maturity comes from church. My dd is 8 but has read the entire bible and understand more than most adults i know. We spend alot of time doing things together as a family and i spend time doing things with just her.
IMO i think that kids are growing up too fast because it is the flow. I do think it stinks but i don't think as individuals we can do too much but steer them in the right direction. As long as there are parents that allow their kids to do anything and watch anything they are gonna bring that to our kids outside of the home. I am confident that my dd will make good choices because i don't hesitate to be honest with her. I also get alot of compliments on my dd who is well behaved and very well spoken. But at the same time my dd can get down and play in the dirt with the best of them!
I have been thinking about this for the past few hours since i posted and I have thought about some things that have contributed to kids growing up faster. We have to remember that since we were young much has changed, technology has come much farther and things are much more competitive with everyone not just kids. I know that we all want our kids to have a wonderful life and a great childhood but who decides what our children think is great? We want them to play with all the toys we did as kids and enjoy playing outside and riding bikes and thinking the opposite sex has cooties till we were teenagers. The problem with this is that our kids may not be this way and want these things. We can force it by keeping them sheltered from all the technology and clothing, we can lock them up and teach them at home but when it comes time for them to grow up how far behind will they be. Will this be in their best interest then? They WILL find these things and learn about all the stuff we don't like whether its now or when they are grown. I for one would rather my daughter go to it with a firm knowledge of the consequences and understanding then to be wo overwhelmed with it all that she jumps in and can't do things for herself. I am not saying to start showing them r rated movies at 8 or push them faster but rather take it as it comes. When they ask don't just say NO thats not allowed but work toward having them decide for themselves that its wrong. My dd has been out to the stores here in England and seen some terrible revealing clothes in her size and i have to say it melted my heart to hear her bring me an awful outfit and say "mom can you believe some girl would actually wear this, what are they thinking?" She sees the kids here walking in these clothes and she knows she has it available in her size but she knows that its inappropriate, thats because instead of keeping her from these styles i have given her the knowledge and understanding to say she doesn't like it.
I am sorry these have been long but this is a sensitive subject with me as well,
I know there alot of you that disagree with me and I think that its wonderful to have this board to say so and then go back to other boards and still be supportive and open too!!
THANKS MOMSVIEW
Please don't feel that I was picking on you. Your comments along with others here and in "real" life have prompted these questions.
Oh don't worry, I certainly didn't feel picked on really and i never get upset about difference of opinion, i know we are all different and live in different situations and i have respect for that!!
I guess I just worry about the presumption of maturity that we are placing on our kids. The feeling that if we explain everything they will fully understand what we are talking about. They will understand that a tv show is inappropriate to watch and change the channel. I feel that sometimes, you do just say no because that's not acceptable for your age. You don't have to hide them from technology, but you allow age appropriate games/tv. We have a tv in our playroom, but it doesn't have cable on it, because I can't monitor that tv as easily as others. I could put cable on it, and trust that my kids will understand that they shouldn't watch some channels, but why set my kids up to watch a show that's inappropriate...why tempt them?
My oldest is in 8th grade. There is a big 8th grade party next month. Dates are highly discouraged, but yet, many parents are allowing their kids to goes as dates. Why encourage such "grown up" behaviour for 13 and 14 year olds?
Ohh i agree with that!!! My dd has a tv also but no cable, she has vcr with her own videos to watch. I guess i can't say too much on the dances yet as mine has not reached that point! I am saving that bridge for then i guess, lol.
I guess I'll chime in here with my 2 cents as well.
I definitely feel that kids are growing up faster these days. 21 years ago when I was in Kindergarten we didn't start learning the ABC's (during school hours) until half way through the year. We had grahm crackers everyday after rest/story time. Now, my DD in kindergarten is reading and doing math problems that didn't come around for me until 2nd grade. They have a computer lab that they visit weekly.
I really feel like we are in a different era and that it contributes greatly to how our children are growing up.
I think alot of it depends on values that a child learns from his/her own family. At our house there are no rated R movies allowed in the door. Not by an adult or a child, we just don't allow them. We monitor very carefully what our kids watch. My DH is not "allowed" to play shooting games on the computer. It's something we don't want the kids exposed to. Will they see it eventually? Of course. But do they need to see it at the age they are now? IMO, no.
We have neighbors that have little kids and there is constant smoking/drinking, inappropriate things on TV. And shoot 'em up video games. I think that those kids are being forced to grow up too fast by being exposed to that.
As for the hair highlights, ear piercing etc....I don't see a huge problem with that. I think that the family values can overshadow that 100 times over. Now, if you paint up your kids with make up and colored hair and send them off to 1st grade, that's one thing. But, to have a mommy/daughter day and highlight your daughters hair, or have their ears pierced, that can be a positive thing. I don't think that it's forcing them to grow up.
Robin..you summed it up very nicely when you said alot of it depends on values that a child learns from family! Thats what i hope that my daughter continues to show...good values!
A lot of children growing up too fast has a great deal to do with what we as parents allow them to experience. I catch myself a hundred times not saying or doing something in front of my son, because I don't want him to do or say it.
There are many parents who don't try to modify their own behavior around their children. The children end up with behavior and language that is far too mature and adult for them, and in some cases downright embarrassing.
Someone I know has a child who is way too grown up. This is not because of clothes or toys or video games or movies. The child is homeschooled, so this behavior cannot be blamed on society, school or peers.
The parents were very lax in how they spoke around their child and the content of their conversations. Consequently, the child knows far too much and too little at the same time and is bold and difficult to handle, having little discipline, and in plain terms, a big mouth.
We, as parents are the guardians of our children's minds and souls. The clothes they wear, the games they play are not as important, as others have said, as what they learn from us, especially when we're not watching.
Ame
I see so much above to agree with. You are right, Ame, WE are the guardians of our children's minds and souls. And modifying your behavior in front of your children is essential, because they never buy "do as I say and not as I do".
I do think that the games the play and the clothes they wear are important, though.
What you wear makes a statement to the rest of the world about the image you want to present to the world. As Kenna points out, a lot of the clothes available today for girls (starting as early as pre-school, I'm sorry to say) is very revealing, imo intended to be "sexy". Presenting an image of "I think I'm sexy" is not a really good idea for most females under 16, I think.
Texannie is right - kids don't necessarily understand our explanations and to expect a 9 or 12 year old to make the choices you make at your age is loading a lot on kids. Sometimes - a lot of times, actually - you have to say no and stick to it. I do think it is important when saying no to give your reasons, however. Eventually the reasons do sink in, and when your kids are faced with choices away from home they will have heard and have in their heads your reasons - which we hope helps them to make the right choices.
Yes, children are exposed to all the stuff we don't want them to be thinking about almost every minute they are outside the house, and we can't wrap them in cotton wool or lock them up from the so-called real world (isn't the world inside our doors "real" too?). But if mom and dad allow it at home, that gives approval to what mom and dad might not really like even if it is out there in the rest of the world. Your kids should know what you don't approve of and you show them that by saying no, not in our house.
I think there are a whole lot of reasons kids are growing up faster (or trying to, anyhow). One fact is, they are growing up faster. The average age of menses is moving down every decade, to where it is not unusual for a 10 or 11 year old girl to be menstruating and beginning to really mature physically in appearance.
I think a lot as to do with the aging down of what in my teen years was adult entertainment and our casual acceptance of that. And a general acceptance of behavior and language in public and in entertainment that was taboo when my kids were at those vulnerable ages. One hears words on prime time TV shows that would have gotten a show taken off the air 20 years ago, and certainly there would never have been Viagra commercials or such explicit commercials for body functions 20 years ago - and I miss those restraints. I'd like to think there are some things that are just not appropriate for prime time TV or daytime radio.
In the end, you set your kids' values. They learn from you what you find acceptable and what you don't. But it is a constant 24/7 struggle, and there is so much more for you parents of young children to struggle with today than I ever had to think of. I don't envy you.
I think general society has a small role to play, but I really think that the crux of the problem is the breakdown of the family. Call me narrow-minded, old-fashioned, set in my ways, judgmental, or whatever you will, but I think families should have a mom and a dad and that the dad should primarily be the breadwinner and mom should primarily be the homemaker. That said, I think dad should certainly pitch in and help around the house. I think with our rampant divorce rate, homosexuality, general lack of commitment to anything, fear of our children, greedy consumeristic soceity, etc. that kids are forced to grow up too fast. I hate that my first grader knows what it means to "flip someone off" and that my 4th grader asked what "gay" meant. I think parents have abdicated their authority in an attempt to be their child's best friend and it simply doesn't work. When parents are juggling kids back and forth in a custody situation and each one is trying to be the favored or "fun" parent it only makes matter worse. In "typical" nuclear families when dad works 60-80 hours a week to keep up with the Joneses, mom works 50 hours a week, the family lives on fastfood, and the daycare center raises the kids then no one even knows each other any more. Kids need responsibility, love, acceptance, and they need down time with parents (i.e., cooking supper together, shooting hoops in the driveway, running errands) much more that trips to Disney World, cell phones, and TVs.
Another thing is that kids aren't necessarily growing up faster. Centuries ago (and even just decades back), most girls were wives by age 14 or 15 and usually had several kids by the time they hit 20. Know we hold back on marriage and parenthood, sometimes way too long IMHO hence the many infetility issues these days, and so there are struggles with sexuality issues, dressing provactively, etc. just simply because of all the hormonal turmoil. I believe the writer of Ecclesiastes that "there is nothing new under the sun." Kids aren't necessarily doing anything different or worse than their peers many many years ago. It's just it is out in the open more and there is more of a belligerent attitude about it.
I could go on and on, but I am just rambling at this point and I know it, so I'll start to wind down. Just so those of you who are divorced don't think I am totally evil, I realize that divorce is the only option in some instances (repeated infidelity, abuse, etc.). However, I think most divorces are the result of either a lack of commitment or a poor understanding of what love/marriage are about and these couples should have never been married in the first place. It's all a big vicious cycle and I don't don't see a positive end. Everyone will not be living happily ever after  .
I was just thinking about how fast kids grow up now, even compared to when I was a preteen - teen. I dont think I even considered my weight until I was about 17. I never wondered if I was fat, what the newest hair fashion was or how much make up I had. Now you hear about bulemia and anorexia in elementary aged children.
I've always liked the low rise jeans and I do adnit to wearing a few tube tops, or halters tops here and there, mainly during the summer. I never did it for attention, I just thought some things were cute. Like the butterflies or decorative stuff.
Ideally, I want to raise Kaitlyn with the innocence I had growing up. I was into God, concentrated on school, had my tomboy stage as every girl seems to have. Yet, my life was absolutely fun. I had the best childhood and I didnt need "grown up" stuff to make it fun. I remember when cell phones and computers were things only the rich had.
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