Do u lie to ur kids ?is it ok to ?
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Do u lie to ur kids ?is it ok to ?
what i mean is ... the easter bunny santa clause ... tooth fairy ... a kid i know got mad at the parents when she realized all this was fake and not real she no longer trusted them to tell her the truth at the age of 7 ... another example ... we bought a new truck and we were havin trouble getin my son to sit in a car seat so we told him that the new trucks know when lil kids are not sittin their carseats so it wont start ... was that ok to do ... he sat in it from that day on and never gave us any trouble ... he never knew it was a lie but do u guys do this ... is it ok ? whats ur opinions or how to u handle it ... would u lie ... even a lil one to protect the kid from hurtin himself or others ?
I see nothing wrong with letting a child believe in Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, etc. It is part of the magic of being a child.
I never had a problem with kids not sitting in car seats or using seat belts. But if they ever questioned me on it, I would explain to them what could happen if they were not buckled up and I got into an accident. I do not think your "lie" is any big deal.
ummm I do not make up things to get my DD to do things. I think that it is setting a bad example. You will someday have a problem with them lying (it is inevitable)and you want to set a good example. You can't get them in trouble for lying and then them hear you on the phone telling a "white lie" to a neighbor for something. They do pick up on things and it seems harmless now, but to be consistent and avoid future problems i would advise against it.
I've said things like that to my kids, and I certainly don't think it's going to harm them.
I agree about that magic of childhood. I believed all of those things as a kid, and I can't imagine not having that fun and excitement. I never looked at it as my parents lying to me. They were helping to create something wonderful!
I can understand the importance of setting a good example, but I doubt a child's going to throw the Santa thing in your face when you catch them lying.
Yes, Ive lied too  , my children believe in Santa Clause, and the toothfairy. And, sometimes I lie to my daughter when she is insisting on going to Mcdonalds, I tell her "Its not opened today"...Yes, a big fat lie, and maybe most of you will think thats wrong. She is so stubborn and independent and when she asks to go there a million times in one day(this doesnt happen alot, but it does happen)and she wont take "No" for an answer, I simply tell its not open today, or its closed for the day.
In the cases that you've mentioned...I guess I'm a liar too
When I was a little girl, my Grandma lived in a beautiful, big home, and she had a lot of nice things. I remeber that she had two large floor vases that were antiques. I remember, out of a kids' curiosity, reaching my arm in one of them, trying to touch the bottom. Grandma very calmly told me that, if people stuck their arms in the vases, that they CLOSE UP on your arm. That scared the bejeepers out of me. I remember looking at the vases, and as young as I was, trying to intellectually figure out how that could happen. Years later, I said to Grandma, "That isn't true, is it?" ('Venus Fly Trap'vases LOL). She said, "No, but I thought it was better than yelling at you". I think she was right. I wouldn't go near those things if you paid me, so they were in no danger of being knocked over by me.
I used to tell DD, when she was about three, and a TERRIBLE slob, that if she didn't pick up her toys before she went to bed, that the "pixies" would come in the night, and take them away. It worked, and we still joke about the "pixies". When she can't find her car keys, she says that the pixies took them LOL.
I don't think that little white lies are a big deal. My dh and I are in the great debate over Santa Claus. He thinks that we shouldn't do the Santa thing, partly because of the lying thing, and partly because we are Christian, and to us that is not what Christmas is about. I say that it is harmless fun, and let the kids have their fun. I always believed in Santa and the Easter bunny, etc., and I don't think I am any worse off for it. I did not get angry with my parents when I found out. As for letting my dk's believe in those things and being Christian, I think as long as you focus on the Christain beliefs, and have those others things as side fun, instead of putting the importance on those, then they will be fine.
For the other lies (car seat) I say if it works, use it. You are saving their life. Would you rather tell a little lie, or not have your child anymore? I know which one I would pick. I usually am blatentley truthful about things to my kids. For example, I say, "You MUST hold my hand in the parking lot or you will get run over by a car. " or "You need to stay by me in the store or a stranger could take you away." I know it may be scary to them, but think of how scared they would be if somebody did kidnap them. And they listen. If they try to run in the parking lot I grab them and ask them why they can't do that and they will say, "Too many cars." or something to that effect, so I think they are getting it. I say in matters of life and death you have to do what works, or you might regret it later.
I see no harm with Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc.. As mentioned above, all part of the magic of childhood.
Juli4, are you familiar with this book? I think you would like it. This is how we've presented Christmas to our kids.
Santa's Favorite Story (Aladdin Picture Books)
by Hisako Aoki, Ivan Gantschev (Illustrator)
"Christmas may be canceled this year because Santa is too tired to deliver all his packages. The forest animals are worried, but when Santa tells them the story of the very first Christmas, when Christ was born, the animals discover the true spirit of the season."
As far as car seats, I tell them the truth. "It's not SAFE for you to ride without your car seat." When they got older I explained how they would become projectiles in the car in the event of an accident. We've even viewed crash test videos together to get the point across.
Oops sorry, wrong "J". I meant Jtw, I think you would like the book "Santa's Favorite Story".
Thanks Trina. My DD is only 2 and we haven't ever mentioned santa. If she asks we will tell her the story of Santa. But we celebrate Christmas as Jesus' birthday and we all exchange gifts and have a good time. Nothing missing. That does sound like a good book. She will ask about santa and we won't tell her that it is wrong or evil or anything but we want her to grow up understanding what the holiday is for.
Some of my favorites from when I was a kid:
1. The car won't go without the seatbelts done up.
2. If you go swimming with the waves that big the 'under toad' will drag you down. (yes, an actual giant toad, we were a little spooked)
3. You can't do ______ until you're ___ years old. It's just the rule and has been since I was a kid. (later to find out these were made up on the spot)
There were others I'm sure and we weren't lying little kids.
I have never had a problem with kids not wanting to go in the carseat. If we were rushed, and forgot to fasten straps on Emily's carseat, Sarah would tell us. When Emily got older and realized straps should be fastened, she would cry, if we forgot.
(I know, how could one possibly forget, but on occasion, we did, although we never got very far before we realized it, or the kids told us.)
I told my kids about Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. But otherwise, I either told them the truth or told them either that I wasn't going to discuss it with them or "because I said so".
For the other lies, I didn't and wouldn't. I think once a child realizes that you lied when you said the car wouldn't go if he wasn't in his car seat, then the issue of truth becomes blurred and it is harder for a parent to insist on not lying and telling the whole story (the whole truth).
For the car seat, what is wrong with saying do it because I said so and I won't start the car if you are not properly protected.
Jackie, I understand your dilemma. But eventually your daughter is going to learn that you lied to her, and she will trust you less. I really do think it would be better to say No, we are not going to McDonald's today, and if you keep asking each time you ask will add another day of not going to McDonald's, and when she continues asking put an M on the calendar and cross it out, for another day each time. That's what I did with my kids when they asked for something that they were allowed occasionally (like going to McDonald's) - the answer is no for today and if you ask me again the answer is also no for tomorrow, and so on. But I also said, No, not today, but let's plan to do it on (x day) and mark it on the calendar so we don't forget. They soon learned to ask "can we put it on the calendar" if I said No about something, and use the calendar to remind me.
By the way, Santa Claus was originally St. Nicholas, a bishop, who went around secretly giving people gifts at Christmas time to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child - or so the legend goes. Those who don't want to talk about Santa because Christmas is Christ's birthday could tell their children the story of St. Nicholas instead of Twas the Night Before Christmas.
Ginny, that is a great tip about the calendar. I am going to use that. Thanks!
I personally try VERY hard to avoid "lies of convenience" when dealing with my son: those lies that I tell just to make things easier for me.
When I was a child my parents lied for me when I had school projects due. They would call the teacher and tell them I was sick so I had more time to work on the project and get a good grade.
That taught me (in a bad way) what I believe is the most important lesson of telling the truth:
Learning to take responsibility for your own actions.
It's in the little things that we teach this to our children so that when the BIG things happen they will know to "do the right thing".
I agree with you, John, that telling the truth to our children, even (or especially) in little things is how we teach them that we value honesty, and that they should value it.
But I've been having some side thoughts (not second thoughts, but additional thoughts). We do need to teach our children how to tell the truth, and we also need to teach them about tactful truth - if someone asks "do you like my dress" and you loath it, try to find something nice to say, like "it is a really vivid color" or "the collar suits your face" or something. Children need to learn the difference between telling the truth and using the truth to hurt. I have had friends (who didn't stay friends for very long) who, when they said something unpleasant and you took offense, would say "well, I'm just telling the truth" - as if that excused their saying hurtful things that didn't need to be said.
The other part of truth that is hard to get children to understand is the whole "lies of omission" thing - if you don't tell me and you know it is something I want to know about, that is also dishonesty.
It is so hard for children to learn the difference between honesty and not using the truth to be hurtful, and how to be tactful. And example is the only way to do it.
I am somewhat fanatical about honesty (having spent 19 years married to man who, when he told me it was raining, I'd go look out the window to be sure - that may be an exaggeration, but not much - he treated the truth loosely, to others and to me). When I went back to work and my children (ages 14, 9 and 8) were home alone for an hour or two, I taught them to say, when they answered the phone, "my mother can't come to the phone right now". I didn't want them to lie and say I was home but couldn't talk right now, and I certainly didn't want them to say I wasn't home - that struck me as a good compromise, being factually truthful while avoiding letting people know I wasn't in the house. I just could not bring myself to instruct them to tell a lie, even a little one and an excusable or understandable lie.
I am also somewhat fanatical about promises, and seldom made promises to my children because I take them seriously - like an oath, almost. So I'd say - we'll do thus and so if nothing happens to change our plans, rather than promise that we'd do something, unless I was very sure it would happen no matter what.
I guess for me promises and honesty are tied together, probably because both of them involving being able to trust and be trusted. Which is the root of what we want our children to learn. Because children aren't adults and haven't yet learned the value of a "white lie" or a slight exaggeration and how that is different from being dishonest, when we lie to our children even about little things, I think it causes them to doubt and mistrust.
I told my boys what my parents told me when I asked them if Santa was real.
They asked me if I thought all parents had enough money to buy toys for their children. I was a city kid, and I knew poor people. They asked me if I ever wondered how those children always seemed to get a gift at Christmas. Up until then I'd figured Santa did it. Then they told me that long ago, when Santa started, he gave gifts to every boy and girl. But the world was smaller then, and there were fewer children. Then as the population got so large, he began to need help. He asked the parents that were able, to become his helpers.
Mom and Dad said that yes, they bought my gifts. Dad had a good job, and we were lucky, but Santa took care of all the children who weren't that lucky. Sometimes he even asked kids to help him, and share with the poorer children in the world.
I asked if he'd ever ask me, and they told me he had. That year I saved part of my allowance and bought a gift for a kid who lived in the children's home nearby.
I knew it must have been a good talk....I used it for my boys and......I still believe in Santa.
I truly believe that fantasy is part of childhood, and taking it away does children a much bigger disservice than helping promote those fantasies. Believing in Santa made the Christmas season magical. Easter baskets weren't just CANDY. They were gifts from a huge conjured rabbit, and that tooth that you were so scared to pull, was exchanged for money magically at night by a fairy. These LIES enriched our childhood with wonder.
Bea, I love what your parents told you.
For the same reasons as Ginny, I am a bit fanatical too. I try hard not to lie for convience, I also try not to have to explain things all the time. Sometimes I am the mom and I said so is just how it is..LOL. When you grow up with someone you just never knew what they were lying about, it makes you a bit nuts, so i kind of go out of my way. My kids get in big trouble for lying. So what about Santa, well he isn't a lie, he is part of Christmas, we talk about where he came from, we are also Christian, so Santa really isn't a big deal. We open three gifts on Christmas eve, they represent the gifts brought by the wisemen. We spend the whole month in Advent, reading verses talking about the story. We do make cookies, we leave one for santa, santa brings one gift to every boy and girl. There is a Santa in my house, Santa is the spirit of Christmas and joy, part played my mom...same with the tooth fairy, if ever questioned we explain that it is game we play to make them enjoy the occasion more. Hummm easter bunny...don't know what my kids think, they know I hide the eggs, we leave an easter basket out (like the stockings), it represents the empty tomb that fills up like our promise of eternal life. I guess they know it is me and not the easter bunny, but who knows we don't ever mention it..LOL. I think it becomes a lie when we go through great lengths to disguise and hide the fact of what is going on. We don't have to wrap birthday gifts, but we do because they are more fun presented that way, but the gift and the idea and the same. We aren't lying about what is inside the gift, but we are making it more pretty and fun.
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