I know that many of the moms on this board live with a man whom they are not married to, or have lived with someone in the past. I am just curious as to why you would not go ahead and get married. Is is a committment issue? The fact that a "piece of paper doesn't change things"? Is okay to live together without kids, but once kids are involved you should get married? Is so, why? And finally...what would you think if one of your children wanted to move in with someone else? While I don't agree with co-habitation without marriage (or even sex at all outside of the confines of marriage), I am really interested in hearing some reasons just to help me make sense of this. I know that this can be an intelligent and well-thought-out thread since moms here respond in a mature manner. BTW, I don't want my questions to be taking in a judgmental way. I don't mean that at all. In fact, my brother, whom I love dearly has had 2 live-in girlfriends and that didn't change our relationship at all. I just figured that this was a good place to get some answers to my questions and might provoke a lively debate

By Jenn on Saturday, August 16, 2003 - 11:10 am:

I will share my story for you. My Dh and I started to date when I was 16 and he was 21. My mom at this time was getting a divorce. At the age of 17 my mom decided that she would move into her new boyfriends place. I was at my grandfathers trailer and my one brother was away at school and the other was in the Air Force. Dh came and stayed with me and eventally moved in with me. I was still in High School at the time and both of us worked. I was living off my social security checks too. That was $500 a month and we made the rest. My grandfather had us pay the bills and no rent. After I finished school and had a pretty good job, DH and I found a house to rent and had my brother move in with us along with 2 room mates. We found out in April of 98 that I was pregnant and got married in July of 98. We were together 4 years at that point. We knew we were going to get married in 99, but Jessica changed the date for us. I honestly and glad that we lived together before we were married because we grew up a lot and accepted responsibility together. We knew the value of a dollar and once we had Jessica we both knew that we were ready to have the family we have now. Two wonderful children and one on the way. Chuck and I in June will celebrate our 10 year being together.

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, August 16, 2003 - 02:49 pm:

Hubby and I got married 10/24/87. We officially lived together the three weeks or so before our wedding, since we had both given up our separate apartments at the end of September. Maybe it doesn't answer your question, though, since we were already planning to get married. I think the "piece of paper" helped us feel more connected to each other.

By Conni on Saturday, August 16, 2003 - 11:07 pm:

Well, I probably wont answer your questions either. I think every person and situation is so different. I was raised in a christian home by very strict parents. In my late teen yrs I became just a tad bit defiant/rebellious/adventuresome. (ok just downright stupid). I lived with a boyfriend after one of my roommates moved out. So really it was basically another roommate?? It was convenience and it was also something my parents disowned me over. They came and got my car and didnt speak to me for about 9 mos. Lovely... Not my most brilliant decision. Too this day I have no idea what I was thinking or why I would subject myself to living with this horrible person. We broke up after a pretty violent outburst (ummm, he ransacked the entire apt). My Mom was THRILLED and raced too help me move my things back home. Then I married a man I had dated on and off for 3 yrs. We never lived together before getting married. We were married for 5 yrs. Divorced him. Then met my current, and might I add, LAST, husband. We actually moved our things in together about 3 weeks before the wedding. Our reasoning: it was around spring break, I think, and we had time to move everything. We were married shortly afterwards on April 17, 1999.

I know of a lady that has lived with a man for 15 yrs or so. I really dont understand why people do this. It seems like you would just get married?? I am interested to hear other peoples views oon this as well.

By Mommyathome on Sunday, August 17, 2003 - 10:29 pm:

I think that if you live together that you should be married. I think that taking the step and getting married shows that you are serious and that you want to make the relationship work...forever. I also think that it proves the love that you have between you and your significant other.

I definitely think that the "piece of paper" changes the relationship, for the better. Without it, there are too many excuses and easy ways out of problems.

By Shelly on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 11:45 am:

I am going to be the voice of dissent here. My s/o and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. We have both been married and divorced once each. We had been dating about 5 months when I found out I was pregnant (failed birth control). He moved in with me when our daughter was born. He brought many financial burdens with him from his divorce (neither of us had children from these prior relationships so its not a child support issue). I am also a divorce attorney. I tell you all of this for some background. I don't know that I will ever feel compelled to marry him. I don't know why I feel the way I do about marriage. I guess some of it is - been there, done that. Some of it is from a legal standpoint of financial and custody concerns. Some of it is that I have a hard time believing in it anymore. But I do go through the same moral/value debates in my own head because of my beliefs from my childhood. I never thought I would live with someone without being married. The funny thing is that most people think we're married and it's not like we go around making sure they get corrected. In many ways we are living a life like we're married but we just have'nt formalized it with a ceremony. I don't think that a piece of paper would change our situation for better or worse so then it becomes a pointless document. Neither of us is going anywhere yet I am able to maintain financial independence. So I don't know that I have given an answer but those are some of my feelings on the subject.

By Tonya on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 12:26 pm:

OK well I am totally gonna get attacked here but Rich and I got together in June/95. Dated for 2 yrs then lived together for 6 months got pregnant and split up in November/97. We just got back together in March/02 moved back in together in May/02 and are now still together and making things work and expecting or 2nd and final child in Feb/04. We are not getting married anytime soon that I can see. We love each other and are very happy now. He has a ton of financial issues that if we got married they would all fall onto me. Well everything we have is in my name. Since we are not married he has to pay me child support for our son. Even though it comes from his check and is sent to our home they still garnish his wages. If we got married that would stop and the other people he owes money to would be able to start garnishing. We could not survive if someone was taking money from his check. So we are better off staying not married. Financially for us it is better.

No on the emotional part I want to be married but he is convienced that that piece of paper changes everything. On his side of the family there are more divorces that good marriages. His dad 3-4 times as well as his mom. My side my parents are going on yr 31, as well as both my grandparents are over 50 yr together each. If he is more comfortable loving me with an engagement ring on my finger and no piece of paper than I am fine with that.

And as Shelly stated most people think we're married and it's not like we go around making sure they get corrected. In many ways we are living a life like we're married but we just have'nt formalized it with a ceremony. I don't think that a piece of paper would change our situation for better or worse so then it becomes a pointless document. Neither of us is going anywhere yet I am able to maintain financial independence. I like knowing that I can do things on my own if I have to.

He promised me the day after his 50th B-day we would get married so I guess you could say we do have a date set it is just a long way away!!!

By Jtw on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 03:36 pm:

Me and DH lived together for about two years before we got married while we were engaged. We were only 19 when we moved in together, and we did not have very good jobs. We thought there was no way we could afford to move out on our own, roommates stink, and we thought it would be a good idea to see if we were compatible before we got married. I can't say that I regret living together, but I do think that ,if possible, you should wait until you are married before you move in together. On the other hand, I also think that most people don't agree with living together because it is assumed that they are having sex before marriage. Let me just say: you don't need to live together to have sex before marriage!!! In fact I think our sex life was much more active BEFORE we moved in together. Since then we have become a lot more conservative (I think having kids changes your opinions about a lot of things), and now I think I will be teaching my dk's that they should wait. Whether they listen or not is another story of course!!!

By Juli4 on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 03:51 pm:

i don't understand why you live together and don't get married because of money. Really isn't it the same thing financially. I don't agree with "shacking up" for a number of reasons. I know that many people do adn have successful relationships and some get married and live happily ever after. I am not going to claim that they always end in divorce or are unhappy. I think that the mentality that marriage is not important is worng and an attempt to demoralize our society. Marriage and families are the foundation of society. If you want to change society chipping away at the foundation of families is the first thing that happens. I think it is a bad axample to our children. Teaching them that total committment is not needed or important. I know that you are going to say that you and your live in is very committed and I believe you. But there is a certain level of committment that hopefully comes with marriage that you don't get in the most committed live in relationships. IT seems that a certain level of security also comes with it by taking the vows "till death do us part" or at least in our society "as long as I FEEL happy". Anyways that is my opinion and I will probably get a lot of disagreements, but I think it is very important to keep the marriage sacred and take it seriously. It is more than a peice of paper. I was a lot more committed after marriage than before and in my opnion i was as committed to my husband as they come.

By Feona on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 06:39 pm:

I wish I could give this advice to teenage girls.

I know at least 5 women who didn't get married and didn't have any children because they lived with a guy for 10-15 years waiting for him to be ready for marriage.

There were very smart women with college degrees and I think alot of them were dissappointed for the rest of their lives that they didn't have kids.

By Melanie on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 06:48 pm:

Dh and I moved in together when he graduated college and I was in my second year of college. It made sense at the time. We weren't in position yet to be married, but it was convenient for us to live together at that time.

If I had to do it over again I would not live with him first. Not because it did anything to harm our relationship. It's just that being a little older and a little wiser I would not choose to shack up before marriage.