Here it goes again... the Mommy Wars
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Here it goes again... the Mommy Wars
I MUST first preface this by saying that I DO NOT intend to make this into a debate about Working Moms vs Stay at Home Moms. But, I put this thread here because it may just very well turn into that. These things seem to take on a life of their own. But while I respect everyone's right, especially on the Debate Board, to voice their opinion, I really hope we can stick to the point that I am trying to make.
The point that I would like to make is an observation. It seems to me that the MEDIA simply can't seem to drop the debate. Every six months or so, I see an article in the paper or on the Web or I see a story on some TV show like, Oprah, 20/20, Today or Good morning America about this Debate of the "Mommy Wars." It seems to me that if anyone is responsible for stirring the pot and creating a divide between SAHM's and WM's, it's the media.
Now it is in USA Today, again.
USA Today Article
Now, the book that is the focus of the article was released literally MONTHS ago; April 3, 2007.
Amazon.com
Upon its release, there were big write ups about it in The Huffington Post, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Ladies Home Journal, and Glamour Magazine. It is now even out in paperback.
Yet here the book is again, referred to as "The latest salvo..." in an effort to highlight the debate once again, bring it back to the surface and, as an added bonus, dictate that one side of the issue is bad/wrong and the other side is good/right.
I really just wish that the media would stop bringing this debate up. We could all (SAHM's and WM's) get along much better and have much more respect for each other's decisions if we weren't constantly reminded that certain people have problems with the decisions that we have made for ourselves. It causes hard feelings, divisiveness, and chaos.
I have to wonder: Is that what they really want to create? A population of women divided amongst themselves?
Well after all, Lisa, if everyone got along, it wouldn't be "news", just as it wouldn't be "news" if celebrities led relatively sane, sober lives of fidelity to their spouses. Dogs that don't bite don't make news. I think it is much the same kind of contrived "battle" as those set up in most of the "reality" shows on TV these days (Trading Spouses, for example, or Big Brother or Survivor - that's "reality"?).
I agee that this whole SAHM/WOHM mother thing is blown out of proportion (and let's not forget that all moms are *working* moms - it's just that some get a paycheck for their second job). One thing the media (and some of the authors of some of these books) gloss over is that the majority of WOHMs do so because their paychecks put (or help put) groceries on the table, clothes on their childrens' backs, and keep the mortgage and utilities paid. I was one of those WOHMs when I had children at home.
And having seen how much time and the kind of time my dil spends with my dear granddaughter when my dil is not at her job, I have absolutely no worries about the quality of my gd's life or the love and attention she gets from her mom.
I think everyone has to do what works best for them. My kids had a working mom part of the time and a SAHM part of the time. I think they have turned out fine.
My mom was a working mom and a SAHM, too. For 6 years of my childhood, she was a mom, a working mom, and student, as she finished college and got her master's degree. I really don't feel like I was neglected, during those years of 10-16, when she was so busy! Instead I look back on those years fondly, as good quality time spent with my dad. My dad took us lots of fun places, so mom could have peace and quiet to get studying done!
I think the biggest Key is quality has to be looked at not quantity.
I do beleive in a perfect world, women would be happily married, have a husband who makes plenty of money, the kids all got along, the mom stayed home and loved every minute of it and spent lots of time doing quality things with the children.
But that is not the world we live in, things can be tough financially, emotionally, and each person has to decide how their family will work the best.
I am SAHM and I love it. There are days I don't. My kids are all in school and I hear the big, so what do you do all day question from others on occasion. I tell them I rest, so that when my parenting job starts at 3 I can do it with all the energy and time that I need. I have worked outside the home, it was exhausting and I always felt like I was giving something up (usually it was me). There is no way to do it all, but we all have different ideas on the things that NEED done, the things that are nice to have done.
Lisa, I agree that the media just keeps bringing it up over and over, definitely pitting "us" (women) against each other in judgement. It's very sad, but it's such a strong emotion one way or another, don't you think, and that's why it keeps going? I also think that in general, children in the US are just overall a MESS - academically, physically, socially, and mentally - and people are trying to find out why, why, why. Who do you go back to for that? MOMMY! If Mommy works, you're better off. If Mommy doesn't work, you're better off. It's ridiculous because it really is all about individual families, and let's face it, the baseline of the financial ability to stay home (meeting basic needs on one income).
I L-O-V-E being a SAHM in every way. On the bad days, I still never once regretted quitting a job that I also LOVED. I personally see WOHM moms with underage school children that I know aren't poor and I feel sad that they are missing so much and I'm grateful once again that I have a supportive DH and that we have worked together throughout our marriage to make me staying home even possible.
The one thing I don't like is when people assume that if you're a SAHM you've got a money tree in the backyard. My sister is one of them (not a parent yet of course, so she has many opinions without experience at this point still). She thinks I do nothing all day, when in reality I'm so busy from morning 'til night that I wonder how I worked! LOL She also assumes that I have plenty of $, when in reality we have made TONS of sacrifices for me to stay home. We started making those sacrifices actually long before we had Natalie, not "living" on 2 incomes for basic needs. We were married 6 years before becoming parents. We could have bought a mongo house on 5 acres on our 2 incomes and never known the difference, but we didn't because we wanted the OPTION of staying home when the time came. As a result, staying home didn't end up having to be about the $ which was a great relief. It was all about my feelings about whether I wanted to be home and raise my child or maintain my career. It was SUCH a difficult decision for me, so I respect those who continue to work because I struggled with it for a year.
It's always women against women I find. Same with breastfeeding. I've met women who won't give you the time of day when they find out you didn't nurse, but never want to find out or understand WHY. Just want to judge and ridicule. Same deal with the Mommy Wars. I don't think, as women, we will ever accept that we are all doing what's best for our families, and sometimes that's working for sanity or working because you need to put food on the table.
What I don't appreciate are authors who are infantilizing us by writing about what we should and should not do, whether it's staying home or going to work.
Frankly, I'm pretty sure that I'm a grown woman and I can make decisions about whether to stay home or whether to work on my own.
Hey Dawn - Amen!!! Sister.
Well, I think the media keeps bringing it up because there are always new parents having their first babies and for some folks these types of articles may be new to them. Maybe they ignored the 100s of articles in the past about the subject since it didn't pertain to them. Now they read it because they are at the point of, What should we do?
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