A few months ago while my mom and I sat at my diningroom table she told me something about her past. Out of the blue my mom got really quite and said "Your going to hate me." Not knowing what she was talking about, I asked her why she thought I would hate her. Okay, a little background history. The year I was born 1973, when my mom was 9 months pregnant with me she had a brain aneurysm. She was rushed to the hospital, tests were ran, and it was determined that she had a blood vessel in her brain that was bulging and leaking blood. They waited for her to go into natural labor, which was 2 weeks later, gave birth to me, then 2 weeks after that she had brain surgery to repair the leaking blood vessel. She stayed in the hospital for another 6 weeks learning to use her left side again, feeding herself, dressing herself, and basic tasks like that. My dad stayed with her at the hospital. My aunt took me in for the first month of my life, while my mom got well and my dad tended to her. Anyway, this is the secret....apparently about a month or so after being home she got pregnant again. The doctors freaked out. They told her she could'nt have the baby because going into labor again could kill her, the pushing could cause another aneurysm. They told her she needed to have an abortion. By doctors orders she had the abortion. She still feels very guilty about this. I reasurred her, told her that I don't hate her, I completely understand. She was scared, had almost died, was only 28 years old, and was doing what her doctors told her to do. What I don't understand is this....didn't doctors perform c-sections in 1973? Why could'nt she carried to term then had a section? I almost feel "cheated" out of having a sibling. I am an only child. I do have a half brother that is 8 years older that I never see, and did'nt see much of growing up. I never had a brother/sister imo.
Again, I don't blame my mother in any way, shape, or form. She did what she thought was best, she did what the doctors told her was best.
So my question is...did'nt they do c-sections in 1973? Also, they made her wait so long to go into labor, she could have died waiting to have me....why did'nt they just section her then give her the surgery? It just doesn't make sence to me. My dad had to sign papers before I was born that if they came down to having to choose which one of us to save, me or my mom. Of course he chose my mom....I totally understand that too. It just seems like a lot could have been done differently if a c-section would have been performed....

By Karen~admin on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 03:53 pm:

Yes, they did C-sections then. But, I don't think it was just the issue of going into labor. Pregnancy can cause your blood pressure to rise - mine did both times; I had pre-eclampsia, and my blood pressure was pretty high, I was in bed for a lot of both pregnancies, and it presented some health risks. That was WITHOUT an aneurysm. In your mom's case, that could possibly have been deadly for her. There is a lot of strain on your body when you are pregnant, your heart and all your other organs work harder, I think the issue was that carrying a pregnancy would have posed a serious risk to her health. And remember, you are talking about 35 years ago - much more is known about how to treat those things now than was known then.

I understand how you might feel cheated out of a sibling, and I'm sorry you feel that way. But I have to say, I think your parents made the right decision - it was probably presented as a choice between having another child, or possibly losing your mom in the middle of the pregnancy. Either way, your parents made the best decision they could at the time, and you have had your mom with you your entire life because of it.

By Cocoabutter on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 09:19 pm:

I was born in 1969 by c-section. My mom had bronchitis and pneumonia and I was born 2 weeks late as it was.

Dh's mom was told right out when he was born that she could not have another one. It would have been nice if a doctor had counseled your mom and dad against getting pregnant again. Had your parents known the threat to her health when she left the hospital, perhaps they would have used birth control?

I had pre-eclampsia as well with my son almost 11 years ago. 3 weeks before he was due I was told to go on bed rest, and then he came 1 week after that.

It appears with your mom's abortion that it was just one of those things that wasn't meant to be. It's frustrating that we can't go back and change history and there's nothing we can do, so we have to have faith that it was meant to turn out that way.

Give your mom an extra big hug next time you see her. I am sure that she feels cheated out of being a mother again just as you do a sibling.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 09:44 pm:

Oh wow, that is quite a confession...

That said, I agree with Karen.. I think it is best that you try not to dwell on what should have, could have been done or for that matter what was done.. Or what might have been.. What is is and you now have and understanding of why.. And I truly feel for you.. But we can't change the past.. Your mom gave you a special secret, a piece of herself that I am sure she doesn't freely share and that shows me that even through her shame she had faith that you would still love her.. A sad but a very special moment in my book... I have great respect for your mom, many people die holding on to their secrets and she trusted you enough to share... Big hugs, and many thoughts for you both.. That is a lot of information to wrap yourself around...

By Kaye on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 10:14 pm:

My mom shared with me when I was a teen about losing twins when she was pg. As I got pregnant later, she shared how she took the blame, what she should have done differently, things they didn't do. She died when I was 26, her last words were about those babies.

I know it is hard to hear, but be thankful you mother was able to share this with you. She undoubtly will never forget, she sure wouldn't of prefaced this with "you'll hate me", if she didn't hate herself for it.

We are not promised anything, who knows what would of happened if she kept the baby, all could be fine, your mom could of died, your sibling could of died at any stage. We can't go back and redo things, and honestly that is a good thing. We have to deal with what we know and at the time your mom only knew what the doc said and they made the right choice given their information set.

Also although she is explaining this to you now, chances are there are many things she still doesn't know. Our parents weren't taught to ask a lot of questions, they didn't have the internet to look up stuff. And her memories are tainted with her emotions and feelings, for all you know there was something already going wrong, she could of already started showing blood pressure symptoms.

Your mother is a strong woman. Love her, hug her and appreciate that you have her.

By Dawnk777 on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 11:08 pm:

{{{HUGS}}} I'm guessing she didn't take telling you, very lightly. I still obsess that I had 2 c-sections and never got to have a vaginal birth. I wish I didn't, because I have 2 great and wonderful kids to show for it!

That pregnancy might have been very hard on her body, that it wasn't good to take it to term, but we don't know that for sure.

By Pamt on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 11:30 pm:

The risk of pregnancy alone, regardless of how the child is delivered, is contraindicated with a history of stroke or aneurysm. My best friend from college had a stroke in her early 30s (caused by BC pills) and was told that if she gotten pregnant again she was at high risk for another stroke. She has an only child as well. Love and appreciate your mom. She must feel a tremendous relief having shared this burden with you. Try not to dwell on what might have been.

By Mara on Monday, July 9, 2007 - 11:49 pm:

I understand that what happened was for the best. All that she was told is that the strain of labor could have killed her....thus, the question I had about the c-section. Yes, I know that blood pressure rises during pregnancy, but I just did'nt think of that in her case...that was probebly a big part of the doctors decision about the abortion. Yes, my mother doesn't ask enough questions...she is that way now, I'm positive she was the same way 34 years ago They may have even told her that, and even other risks, but she probebly just doesn't remember. I felt really bad for her because she told me if just one doctor would have told her that it was okay to have the baby then she would have. She wanted the baby. It took her and my dad 5 years just to get pregnant with me. Needless to say, I was pretty spoiled Things happen the way they are supposed to happen. Still, it is something that I think about from time to time. My dad passed away 3 1/2 years ago. This is going to sound very selfish...but I sometimes wonder if that baby was there to greet him in heaven? that makes me feel jealous..I am his baby. Sorry, i know that sounds terrible. I was extremly close to my dad, I was his little girl, and I was his "boy" to take fishing and stuff like that. Sorry, did'nt mean for this post to become a "I miss my dad post"
Thanks for all the info....yes, I still love my mom, no I don't blame her....I would'nt change a thing

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 01:25 am:

Are you feeling a bit sappy today??? it is perfectly fine that your post became a "I miss my dad post".. I think most, if not all, of us understand where you are coming from..

Yes it is very likely that your mom didn't get the full explanation of her treatment and reasons for the treatment..

It breaks my heart that she seems to still be blaming herself for what happened. It is no way her fault.. She didn't choose to have the health issues... I just wish she had a better understanding that there was likely nothing that could have been done then and probably even now to save them both... And you needed her, you had already spent the first month of your life without her...

By Mara on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 10:43 am:

Thanks Bobbie Yes, I do think I was a little down and sad yesterday. I feel better today. Sometimes things will weigh heavy on my mind and it makes me feel better to talk about it. Thanks to everyone for bearing with me

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 10:59 am:

Mara, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have down days.. We all get trapped in our own minds at times and I too find that talking through my issues, even if its only in my own head, helps me put things back on track..

Suggestion, DH's dr suggested writing letters (to self, people that have upset you, about situations) vent it all out and burn it, shred it.. He says that it is a visual way to get thing off your chest, without hurting anyone one else with your "mood" and the destruction of the letter can be a form of release (like a deep breath). I am not talking journaling.. When you journal, you often write thinking someone may read this some day.. When you write the letter because you are writing it knowing you are going to destroy it you can say whatever you truly feel or at least feel in the moment, with out fear of someone finding it later... Throw down a good old tantrum and send it through the shreder.. LOL This doesn't fix the problems/issues of course but it works as a way to clean your thoughts up and put things back in perspective..

Big Hugs, Glad you are feeling better today...

By Mara on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 11:48 am:

Bobbie, I have wrote letters to myself! I had a few things happen during childhood that changed my life; maybe I'll share another day Anyway, I've sat down and actually wrote letters to my "child" self....make sence? It does help.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 12:01 pm:

Yes it makes sense..

By Juli4 on Friday, July 13, 2007 - 03:14 pm:

Sometimes we make decisions that we regret. Could it have turned out better or different? Maybe, but we will never know. Obviously your mom thinks about that baby often. Most women would and do. We just try to pass down our life lessons and hope that our kids and those who we influence can choose differently. She made the best decision she could at the time and what she most likely needs from you is understanding and forgiveness. Maybe with your understanding and forgiveness she can forgive herself a little.
I know what you are saying about your child self. I almost think of my childhood as a different person. I wish I could go back and tell her all the things that I know now she needed to hear. IF only.....

By Karen~admin on Saturday, July 21, 2007 - 08:25 am:

Mara, how are you feeling about all of this now?

By Mara on Monday, July 23, 2007 - 10:24 am:

Karen, you know, I really haven't thought too much about it lately. I think I was having a "rough" few days when I posted this. I'm just grateful that my mom opened up to me. I love her just as much as before..nothing has changed Thanks for wondering though.