Parenting prayers
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I know this sounds a bit funny. But could yall pray for me to make some tough but correct parenting decisions.
My 14 dd has struck up a relationship with a boy from another town (5 hours away). She hasn't actually met him, but is spending a lot of internet time and phone time with him. He is an aquaintance of a cousin. I know nothing about him, and quite honestly don't like it. We are limiting her phone use and net use. But I have found that she is covering her tracks now. So she knows it isn't okay and she is being sneaky. This is so out of character for her. And I am worried. This is such a turning point. We either reestablish communication or this becomes the fulcrum for the next 4 years of lying. I know my words and approach are the key.
Thanks,
kim
I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I want to share a little story with you. When I was 15 I got involved with a 17 yr. old boy. My parents flat our didn't like him, he wasn't a really good student, a rebel type. Well, the biggest mistake they made was to forbid me from seeing him. I think them forbidding me from seeing him, made him more attractive to me. I ended up sneaking around to see him. Of course, I got caught, ended up lying, and it pretty much set the tone for the relationship I had with my parents for the rest of my high school years. I did end up eventually staying away from him, dated others, etc. When I was a freshman in college I started a relationship with him again. My parents couldn't say anything now because I was 18 years old. Well, it lasted a few years, but on my own, I realized he wasn't the best guy for me. So, I guess what I am saying is, be very careful how you approach this. My mom now says it was one of the biggest parenting mistakes she made. She wishes they would have talked to me more about it, kept an eye on things closely, and let it run its course. And, to be honest, it probably wouldn't have lasted long.
I am really sorry you are going through this. I know it is devastating to find out our children have lied to us. {{{{HUGS}}}}
Debbie that is exactly what my fear is. However, I have to figure out how to balance that with the fear of, I don't know this kid. Nothing...zippo...not his age, etc. She has been completely lying. We took away her cell phone for late night calls. She got it back monday at 8 pm. They have made 11 calls since them. Pretty much if I am not around and she isn't at band she is on the phone with him. I really think I will feel better knowing this isn't a 16 year old. But it just all gives me the heebies! All in all it isn't horrible, but I KNOW this is that moment, how I handle it sets our relationship tone for the next 10 years. UGh!
Right there with you in Gods strength to make best parenting choices. We are not yet in your boat, but still, I am already fearful of watching my daughter make bad choices. She is very disrespectful to me right now and if it doesn't change now, I'm afraid of where it will be at age 14.
Perhaps you can have your DD invite this boy to your house so you can meet him. At least that takes away the not knowing factor in the equation.
Prayers for you and your decisions.
I agree with Debbie. Right now your daughter is being defensive - defending the boy *and* defending her judgment. You can't win when you put her in that position. You can only make it a romantic Romeo+Juliet situation, which is absolutely not what you want.
I think Dana has a good idea. Start inviting him over on a Saturday or Sunday - not for anything special, but to spend time with her and with her family. But with a trade-off ... we will invite him over so the two of you can spend time together, but in return you have to stop sneaking - and, we will continue to limit your cell phone time and will move your computer into the kitchen or family room or living room so you don't have as many opportunities to sneak.
If you do invite him, don't force them to spend every minute with you. Allow them to go for a walk, or go to the ice-cream stand or whatever, or hang out in the back yard without witnesses, so long as you can keep some track of them. Give them the time to speak without being overheard. Take the "forbidden fruit" aspect out of it, which will take a lot of the romance out of it.
Who knows - he may want to spend the time watching football with your husband instead of going for a walk with your daughter (we can only hope), or something equally unromantic.
And in the meantime, talk to the cousin's parents and see what you can learn about this young man. It's entirely possible that once you get to know him you might like him. Or, once your daughter gets to know him, she might not like him.
And prayers. I was that 14 year old daughter, and both you and your daughter need all the prayers you can get. My favorite is "Lord, give me strength."
A quick update. Our talk basically was, I do not plan on picking your friends and controling your time with them as long as you follow certain rules. Part of life is figuring that out for yourself. But part of my job is to keep her safe, which is why we have curfew, phone limits etc. It actually went very well.
We can't have him over, he lives 5 hours away. That is part of what makes this so difficult.
What I think I understood from her (LOL...KIDS!) is mostly she is flattered that a boy likes her. This is a first. She is starting high school and a bit nervous about being liked, he being around just helps with that.
I also was very clear, that she is doing nothing wrong by being friends with him and talking to him. What really has me concerned is how she is hiding things and a couple of rule violations. She started crying at that...maybe she thought we wouldn't let her talk to boys?? I don't know.
Anyway, I think it went really well. But time will only tell if she told me what I wanted to hear, or if we really had a good moment!
Thanks for the prayers, and yes Lord give me strength!
It sounds like it went well! I think you handled it great!
With him being 5 hours away, it will fade when she can't see him. Once she gets involved with school and hanging out with friends, it will end. I guess it is time to start thinking about what rules you will have as far as boys, dating, etc. Yikes!!!
{{{HUGS}}} and LOTS of prayers!
You and DD are in my thoughts.
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